by Nicole Thorn
She shook her head and stayed silent.
He poked her in the arm, smirking. “Come on, sweetheart. Don’t you wanna go eat at that place that gives us all we can eat bread? You like it when I make myself sick on bread. You always say ‘I told you so.’”
There was a small reaction from Mom, and she sighed again. “I don’t really feel like doing anything today.”
Dad nodded. “I know, but you shouldn’t stay in the house all day. Let’s go have a nice date, and I can take you to a movie.”
I started fixing myself something to eat as Dad tried to convince Mom to get out of the house. I knew how it would go because it was always the same. It would take a while, but she always went. She would be better when she got home, but she would go to bed early. At least she wasn’t angry when she was like this, just sad. I liked her when she was happy and fun. Not this.
When my parents left, and I was all alone again. I only had one friend, and I wasn’t sure how willing to see me she was. We had a nice time yesterday after she went back to normal, but who knows if that would last. I would have regretted telling her the truth if I felt like I could have lived with the lie. She should know how I felt about her; it was only right. She needed to understand how much I cared about her, and why.
It terrified me that she got as angry as she did. She told me that only her sister knew what happened, but Melissa wouldn’t let it happen twice. Layla was almost bitter that her sister would rat her out, but I was thankful. Someone needed to take care of her if she wasn’t willing to do it herself. How could someone get so worked up that they passed out? One of these days, she could hurt herself or someone else. Like that woman that got her thrown out of the hospital. That would have ended a lot worse if Layla hurt her and got arrested. She could ruin her life if she didn’t get this under control.
We had a lot of work to do. She needed to start controlling her anger, and I needed to do whatever I had to do to win her over. I thought she was close to caving in. I needed a little push.
I’d finished a chapter when Layla texted me, asking if she could come over after she was done at the center. I, of course, told her to come and that the house was empty. She’d prefer it that way. I did a little work for the project with Adalyn while I waited for Layla. It was probably twenty minutes, but it felt like hours. God, I have it bad…
Layla rang the doorbell, and I got an idea. Layla liked when I took charge…
I opened the door, and she wore a dress despite the weather. Layla never let practicality stop her from something. So she was in a dress and her ankle boots when she walked into my house. She took them off and started setting them by the door.
“Afternoon, sweetie,” she said with a smile. “What do you wanna do today?”
I grinned at her, and I put my hand behind her neck to pull her in. She moaned happily when our lips met and parted for each other. Layla’s arms went around my neck, and I picked her up to bring her to the couch. She didn’t hesitate on letting me do it, and it told me everything I needed to know.
She was under me, and her legs went around my waist. Ah, very pleasant, but not what I had planned. I wanted to do something that was more for her than me, so I gently unwound her legs from my body.
Layla complained with a pouty sound when I broke away from her. I smiled at her again as I started running my lips down her body, pulling her dress up as I went. I looked up at her to watch the anticipation hit her as I started tugging her panties down her legs.
It was a struggle to not lose my cool. Layla lay back, perfectly fine with me having my way with her on my couch. She trusted me, and she wanted this. It only made me more nervous, so I took my time with her, starting with my lips at her thigh and working my way up.
Layla’s hips shifted around as her impatience started settling in. Her dress bunched up in her hand, and her leg moved closer to the back of the couch, making room for me. My mouth kept traveling up, taking in softness and heat until I got to where I was going.
My shoulders relaxed when it was clear I wasn’t doing anything wrong. Layla made a weak sound, reaching for my hair to knot her fingers in. She held onto me, still moving her hips, only faster now. Okay, so she liked what I did. Thank God, because I had no clue how to do this. I went with instincts and Layla’s reactions to my movements.
This turned out to be much more enjoyable for me than I thought it would. I hadn’t even considered I could get this much out of it or more than just getting the joy of hearing Layla desperately moan my name over and over between pulling my hair and putting her leg over my shoulder.
Layla climaxed, tugging on my hair again, and making a sound halfway between a groan and a moan, definitely taking the Lord’s name in vain. She was done, but I wanted to keep going. I did, and Layla let go of my hair. I thought for a moment that she wanted me to stop, but the rolling of her hips encouraged me to go on.
I took my time, drawing out every touch of my tongue to her skin. Oh, I would probably want to do this a lot. Why the hell hadn’t I tried it before? I was a very stupid person because Layla loved this almost as much as I did.
A second time, Layla called out my name and God’s before she settled back on the couch.
“Do you need rest?” I asked when I sat up on my knees.
Layla tilted her head up, and her gaze dropped to the front of my pants. It was pretty obvious that I hoped she’d say no. When she smiled and shook her head, I grabbed her hand and pulled her off of the couch.
We stumbled to my bedroom, kissing and groping like we had no control at all. I supposed we didn’t since we didn’t even make it to my bed. Layla unzipped my jeans, and I pushed her against my bedroom wall.
I lifted her up, and her legs went around me again. I was inside of her, and I thrust hard, slamming Layla into the wall. She cried out and held onto me as I repeated and gained more force. Her muscles tightened around me more, the harder I went.
Layla’s hands went to my hair, and she couldn’t do much more than try to moan. My mouth enjoyed the warmth on the swell of her breast, and my gaze flickered up to her for a moment. Her eyes squeezed shut, and her mouth hung open, trying to get out my name.
God, she undid me. How could she ever have that doubt in her eyes when I told her I loved her?
I flicked my tongue against the hard tip that stood out against her dress, and Layla bit her bottom lip. She removed one of her hands from my hair to yank the top of her dress aside, exposing her breast to me and telling me what she wanted. She grinned down at me as I did the same up at her, and I kept my eyes locked on hers as I found her nipple with my lips. I watched her teeth dig into her lower lip again before I pressed mine lightly against her.
Layla held my head against her, and my fingernails almost broke the skin on the thighs I held her up by. It was a damn good thing this house was empty because Layla had never been as loud as she was then. She begged and cursed and screamed for more.
Sweat made my hold on her less sturdy, but she had her arms around my neck again, bending her head to kiss me. We took what we could, getting little more than our mouths hanging open in pleasure while our lips brush each other’s.
“Bennett,” she gasped, opening her eyes to look at me. I watched her as she climaxed again and went almost limp in my arms.
Two more pumps, and I was right there with her, locked in bliss as I held the person I loved more than anything in this world and felt her love me back. Even if she didn’t say it, I knew she felt it.
I carried my limp girlfriend to the bed, and laid her down. Her blue eyes were only half open as she watched me fix my pants, and get into bed with her. She wasted not a moment crawling on top of me and tucking her head under my chin. Layla panted, and I stroked her damp hair, also catching my breath.
Layla groaned and rubbed my side, making my shirt scratch against my skin. “That was… huh…”
I chuckled. “Thanks.”
She popped her head up and tucked her hair behind her ear as she looked directly down
at my face. “I thought we were going to get pizza or something. There was no mention of wall sex or making me scream a bunch…” She trailed off, her voice getting quiet, and her eyes distantly staring.
I grinned as my hands drifted up her ribs. Layla moved so her knees were planted on either side of me while her hands rested on the bed. She perched on all fours over me. Dear God, how could I already be hard again?
“We can still get pizza,” I offered.
She smiled again and kissed me as she reached for my phone on the nightstand. I may or may not have twirled her hair in my fingers as she lay on me and ordered us lunch. She let me, so who was I to think too much on it?
“I should probably put my underwear on,” she eventually said, her eyes narrowed at the door. She hopped off of me and skipped out the door.
When she returned a couple minutes later, she sat beside me on the bed. She stretched out her arms and lay back.
Now, it would be easy to ruin this by talking about what we did and how we were totally already a couple. The thing was, it would make Layla recoil if I did that. I felt like I was boiling a frog, but it was a means to an end. We could both be a lot happier together.
When the pizza got to my house, Layla insisted on paying for it. We brought it to my room and sat on the bed to eat. How could something so small feel so big to me? All we were doing was eating pizza and chatting about a video game that was coming out soon. We both saw the trailer and thought it looked cool, and that was the entire conversation.
A million moments passed where I wanted to tell her I loved her. She would make a face or say something that sounded insane, and I wanted to make sure she knew how I felt when she did so.
But I kept it to myself because she would see one day.
iley tossed some crickets into the terrarium for her old man toads, and she cooed at them while I lay out on her bed. We were missing Adalyn who was out with her dad for the day. After an awkward greeting with Riley’s mother, we hid up in her room to talk. So far, I was too chicken to talk about much.
“You haven’t talked to him since?” Riley asked after I told her a few details about my previous day with Bennett.
I sighed and groaned into my hands. “Ugh! Why do I keep having sex with him?”
Riley laughed and turned to me, leaning against the dresser. “Because you like it. There’s nothing wrong with that, ya know.”
I sat up and slumped in my spot. “There’s lots wrong with it. Like the fact that I’m not supposed to date him.”
She rolled her eyes at me, so I guess I annoyed her or something. After she washed her hands in her bathroom, she came and sat on the edge of the bed with me. I got a pat on the knee and a happy smile.
I eyed her with suspicion. “What?”
Riley shrugged and then wiggled her toes as she got comfier on the bed. “I think that even though you’re sure everything is going to stay terrible, it’s going to get better. You can’t stay away from Bennett now. What makes you think you’re going to suddenly start being able to resist what you both want?”
I hoped will power would be enough, but that clearly wasn’t the case. It was far too easy to fall into bed with Bennett. I loved him, and I was probably in love with him. I still hoped that if I didn’t think too much about it, I could pretend I wasn’t. I could only get in deeper if I kept him in my life, but losing him wasn’t an option. That left me in a tricky spot.
“Because it’s what he needs,” I said.
Riley shook her head. “Forgive me for being a little sensitive on this topic, but I really don’t like when people try and decide what someone else needs. It’s not like he’s insane and refusing treatment. He’s sad, and he’s lonely. You make him neither of those things. I think that should be enough for you.”
“Then there’s the other half of it.”
“Being?”
Do I tell her about my crazy person worries and make it obvious that my head is a constant mess of things I shouldn’t worry about but did anyway? I didn’t know why my worries manifested like this, or why it felt like my skin crawled when I thought about it.
But this was Riley, and I couldn’t lie to her more than I already had. “He said he was in love with me.”
Riley’s eyes lit up, and she bounced on the bed. “REALLY?!”
My lack of excitement calmed her down, and I had to explain myself. “Bennett is broken. He’s lonely, like you said, and really sad. I came along when he would have taken any affection he could get. I took his virginity, and I gave him what he wasn’t getting anywhere else. Of course he thinks he loves me. But what the fuck happens when he starts healing? When he gets away from his house and sees that the world isn’t so bad? He’ll start being happier, and that’s great.” I smiled, and then it faded. “Then he’ll see that he doesn’t need me anymore, and he’ll realize I’m not what he wants. I can’t live through the day he wakes up and doesn’t want me anymore.”
Riley bit her bottom lip and stared at her feet. “Ah, I understand.”
“Good.”
“No, not good. He loves you.”
“He thinks he does.”
She shook her head. “If you feel something, then it’s real. He’s in love with you, and it’s awful that you would let that go because you’re afraid of a day that probably won’t come.”
She didn’t get it. Wilson was fine in the head, and he knew he loved her for real. There wouldn’t be a day where he figured out that she wasn’t the key to his happiness because she wasn’t. He had a father and a brother he loved and a business he poured his soul into. Bennett just had me and his writing. There was so little for him to hold onto.
“I don’t think his feelings are real,” I said again, staring at the window on the far side of her room. “It’s only a matter of time before he knows that too.”
“Stop,” Riley said, holding a hand up, her eyes severe. “Stop saying that it’s not real. If you feel something, that’s as real as it can be. If he feels like he’s in love with you, then he’s in love with you. That’s how emotions work, Layla. You don’t get to decide how he feels.” Her volume dropped, and she covered my hand with hers. “I understand that you’re scared. I can’t make that go away, but I can tell you that I really don’t think Bennett is ever going to stop loving you. Yes, you came along in a dark time, and yes, he clings to you. It’s not a bad thing that you gave him light in the darkness. You’re not going to be his everything forever, but he won’t love you less. That’s not what love is. It isn’t finite. It isn’t small or simple. It’s huge and wonderful, and it’s special, so don’t waste this on being afraid.”
Oh, I wanted it. I wanted to forget all the things I feared and all the things I knew I should do. I wanted to get in my car, drive to him, and tell him I loved him.
But I wouldn’t do that.
Because I was afraid.
And I was too broken to ever work right.
In the end, I was too scared to try. I didn’t want my time with him to end, and I wouldn’t take the risk. What we were doing worked, and I was fine with it for now. Too many things were complicated, and it was silly to think dating would make it better.
Oh, but my mind drifted. That was happening to me a lot lately. I was thinking about the things I denied myself. A future where we could wake up in the same bed in a house we owned. Little things like cooking together or walking the dog. All I wanted was the simple stuff because it sounded like the best of it all.
“But you’re going to deny both of you this,” Riley said as if she read my mind. She stared hard at the floor. “You’re going to suffer and let him suffer to because you think you’re doing the right thing. I would be annoyed with you, but I know it won’t last.”
I smirked at her. “Yeah, you can’t stay pissed for shit.”
Then Riley turned her head and smirked right back at me. “No. This, this garbage you’re pulling won’t last. You can sleep with him and pretend you don’t love him all you want. You can convince yourself that
he doesn’t love you back or that he’ll leave you. But you know the truth, and sooner or later, it’s all going to hit you like a ton of bricks. Something is going to bust in like a wrecking ball, and your eyes will open.”
I opened my mouth, but she shook her head. “Layla, you’ll see.”
I felt comfortable again and like I was useful. The center was where I belonged. At least here, I could do something more worthwhile than moping about my non-boyfriend. At least I could save lives as long as I was on the phone. It was what I did best.
I’d been on the phone all day, having conversations with people who needed to know that they weren’t alone in the world. I felt like I was finally back to who I used to be… which was an odd thought since I hadn’t really been much of anything since I was a kid. Those years I lost in The Dollhouse, I was stuck in some in-between state. I could grow now like I could never do before, and the whole rest of my life stretched out before me. Being back here made me realize there was more than Bennett to worry about. He would be fine, but these people wouldn’t.
I hadn’t spoken to anyone in person since I came in. After what happened with Riley, I wasn’t really in the mood to deal with human beings in the flesh. She thought she knew better because she had a boyfriend for a couple months. She was happy and wanted me to be happy, and there was nothing wrong with that. What was wrong was her assuming everyone worked like her. She and Wilson had no reason to have been apart, so it was all hunky dory for the two of them. It was too complicated with Bennett and me, and I couldn’t explain that to Riley. I bet Adalyn would understand. Kylie would have…
I still had those mornings where I woke up and thought I was back in The Dollhouse, but more than that, I had moments where I forgot Kylie wasn’t here anymore. It wasn’t fair that she only got to be free for a little while before she died. She didn’t give life a chance before she left us, and that was the biggest travesty of anything. The four of us could have had something amazing if she stayed. It would have been the four of us till the very end like we promised. I couldn’t forgive her for going back on that. I failed her when I didn’t see that she lost it more than the rest of us, and we all paid the price. I should have known something was wrong. Someone should have noticed. Her parents, or one of us. I suppose it didn’t matter anymore, not when she was dead and buried.