by Nicole Thorn
“What happened?” I asked the officer. “That was one of his parents. Can you please tell us what happened?”
The man looked torn, but he shook his head. “I’m sorry, miss, but I’m not allowed to give out sensitive information.”
Someone walked out of the front door, and I honestly didn’t know how to feel when I saw that it was Bennett’s father. The man looked haggard and coated in blood. His arms, face, shirt, and pants were soaked with blood. Something was a little off about it, making it look watery in places. He stopped on the porch and didn’t move an inch.
“Dad!” Bennett called out.
The man saw him and started moving. The officer got out of the way to make room, and he went to stop someone who was trying to take pictures.
“What the hell happened?” Bennett asked his father, taking in the blood and water.
Bennett had let go of me, and his hands trembled at his sides as he kept looking in the direction of the ambulance. It felt like he was waiting for it to bring his mother back to him.
“I found her,” Mr. Posey said, shoving his hands in his pockets. “I got up, and she wasn’t in bed.” He rubbed his forehead with his wrist, trying not to get blood on it. “I went back to sleep and woke up again, and she was still gone. I got up and went looking for her. I found her… I found her in the tub.”
I didn’t know what to say, so I didn’t say anything. I stayed beside Bennett and hoped that he wouldn’t break down. I watched his face, trying to read every line and every flinch. His mother was dead. Just… dead.
“I was talking to her yesterday,” Bennett said, sounding like he didn’t believe what he was being told. “How is she…?”
His dad looked down at the blood on his hands, then he wiped it on his pants. “She used one of my razors.”
My stomach did a flip as I thought of Zelda. She was all alone in her house when she died, and her parents got home to the police swarming the place, there to tell them that their daughter was dead. It was a little more horrific for Mr. Posey who had to live with the fact that he was in bed while his wife killed herself.
I hugged Bennett, preemptively trying to keep him from having a breakdown right here and now. He buried his face in my neck and gripped me tightly while I tried whispering comforting things in his ear.
When we pulled apart, I took his face in my hands. “Do you wanna go back to the car, baby?”
“No,” he whispered.
I quickly kissed his lips and turned back to his father. “Did she say anything yesterday? Did she leave a note?”
“She didn’t,” the man said with no inflection. “She got home yesterday, and she didn’t say anything really. She told me you two got married and that Bennett wasn’t coming home. I took her to dinner and then we went to bed. I don’t understand.”
“Sir?” an officer called as he walked out of the house. He had a notepad in his hands as he looked at Mr. Posey. “Can I see you for a minute?”
He swallowed and turned to Bennett. “I need to… I need to go.” Without another word, he joined the officer in the house.
Bennett’s legs wobbled, and I barely caught him before he started sinking to the ground. I kept him from getting hurt by falling hard, and I leaned him against the police car. I stayed kneeling in front of him as he put his head between his knees.
“This is my fault,” he said, and I knew it was coming.
I knew he would decide that this was his fault because his mother raised him to think every pain in her life was somehow because of him.
“No,” I told him, keeping my hand on his back. “This has nothing at all to do with you.”
He raised his head, and I had to watch him crying over a demon. “She was so upset, and that was because of me. I was so horrible to her.”
I put my hands under his chin so he didn’t have the option of looking away from me. “Listen to me, Bennett Posey. Your mother was sick in the head. She was emotionally damaged long before you came along. The woman needed medication, and I’m sure she knew that. If it wasn’t this incident, it would have been another one. Let me tell you something that it took me a really long time to figure out; you can’t save everyone. You can only save the people who want to be saved. Your mom gave up a long time ago when she made the choice to hurt her baby instead of getting help. She loved you, but she wasn’t right in her head.”
Bennett looked at me like I insulted him. “You’re telling me she wanted to die?”
I sniffled, a tear falling. “Love, she took her own life. She didn’t leave a note, and she didn’t ask your father for help. I think that she wanted it to be over.”
Bennett took in a breath and started picking at his fingernails. He dug into his skin, drawing blood immediately. I covered his hands with both of mine, and I stilled them before he could do more damage. I pulled him to me and put his face back at my neck. I hushed him, rubbing his back while he sobbed. I wanted to sob as well, but I needed to stay strong for a little while longer. I said as many reassuring things as I could but knew he couldn’t hear them.
“She’s gone, Layla,” he cried against my skin.
I rubbed the back of his head, and I couldn’t speak without my voice shaking. “I am so sorry, baby. I’m so sorry.”
I held him tight while the officers started thinning out the looky-loos that had gathered. I wanted to hurt them for looking while Bennett was so upset. They got their jollies peeking in on this unbelievably private moment, and I had to let the cops do what they would. It was my job to take care of Bennett, and that was the only thing I needed to worry about right now.
Bennett didn’t want to move, and I wasn’t about to make him. The officer that owned this car was kind, and I only needed to give him a look, and he understood. He chose to go wait in the house and not say anything to Bennett. I doubted he would need to be questioned.
His father never did come back out of the house to check on him, but I didn’t think he was going to. The man was a wreck from this, and I understood so completely. As awful as this bitch had been, the man loved her. She was his wife and the mother of his child. The child he didn’t protect. Half these scars were because of him.
As upset as Bennett was, I myself was in shock as I knelt there. It was an odd thing, death. The idea of someone being here one second and not the next was almost insane to me. How could you be around and then just not? I hated it. I hated that someone could slip through your fingers with such ease, and all you could do was watch and then mourn. I wouldn’t mourn Mrs. Posey, but I would mourn all the things that Bennett lost today, and I would mourn for all he gained. If we were lucky, the blame would fade away after a while, but I wasn’t so sure how easy it would be for him to get there. His mother was gone, so there was no hope that they would ever come to peace over this. He wouldn’t get to forgive her and let this poison out of his body.
One last wound she gave him in her death.
Bennett
didn’t like the suit, but I had to wear it for a few more hours. Then I would escape with my wife, and we could hide in our bedroom until the crowds didn’t come looking for me anymore. They mostly just gave me glances anyway. The few members of my family congratulated my wife and me on the wedding, careful to keep the judgment out of their eyes. I didn’t give a damn either way.
I brushed my fingers along the cool marble that was my mother’s headstone, and I looked at the words carved into it. Caring wife, loving mother. I was kind of pissed off about that one. It took some gall from Dad to put that on there, knowing what we knew. We lied to the world now, letting them remember her differently than she was. Oh well, what was it to me now?
I’d already been through all those thoughts about how I would never see her again, hear her voice, or smell her perfume. Those thoughts did nothing for me because I couldn’t bring myself to miss her yet. I thought I loved her, but that was before my eyes were opened wide. I didn’t deserve what she gave me, and I was a long way to forgiveness for her. All I could feel was bi
tterness that she abandoned me after years of abuse.
Layla’s arms came around me from behind, and I felt her cheek press into my back. “Do you need anything, sweetheart?”
I put my hand over hers and brushed her skin. “No, but thank you.”
She moved so I could see her, and she cast a look over her shoulder. Adalyn talked to her mother’s headstone, and Riley waited for the girls at Kylie’s. This patch of land held the bodies of the people we loved, and the thought of that seemed odd to me. That just past these cemetery gates were bodies buried six feet under. Bodies we all used to hold and would hold us. Bodies that held souls of people that told us they loved us or that we’d fight with or that we would swear we never wanted to see again. All of them were strangers to each other, but they were connected so deeply.
“Did you talk to your dad?” The wind blew, and Layla curled a lock of hair behind her ear. “He said he wanted to sell the house and get something smaller. He wants to talk with you about it.”
I nodded. “I’ll see him in a minute.”
She looked over her shoulder again, seeing Adalyn walking toward Riley. She joined her on her knees and touched the gravestone.
“You can go,” I told Layla. “I’ll be fine alone.” I tried to smile, but she didn’t fall for it.
“I don’t feel good about leaving you all by yourself.”
I put my hand behind her neck and pulled her in so I could press my lips to her forehead. “I will survive for ten minutes, darling. Go say hello to your sister.”
Layla exhaled through her nose, but she did as I said. I got more than a couple glances as she walked away. The wind blew at her black dress and her ponytail. A few stray locks flailed wildly, and Layla ignored them.
With a sigh, I left the headstone and the body under it. I hadn’t thrown the handful of dirt in when we were all supposed to go. I couldn’t do it.
I passed Wilson sitting on his car hood, watching the girls in the distance. We both knew to give them their privacy for what they wanted to say to Kylie. The man gave me a nod before I was out of his sights.
The cemetery held so many members of my family that I didn’t know or remember. No one visited us, and the only one to ever call was my dad’s mom, and that was on our birthdays. I didn’t care about the rest of these people who told me how wonderful my mother was and how much poorer the world was without her.
I was stopped by one of them before I could reach my father. This woman was a cousin of my mother, and I knew that because it was the first thing out of her mouth. She smiled at me, and her gray hair looked shiny in the bun she had up. She gripped my arm while she talked to me about my mom.
“I cannot imagine how upsetting this is,” she said after her speech was over.
I very carefully hid my frown. “Well, I have my dad still.” My dad who let me get beaten and didn’t lift a finger to stop it from happening. “And I have my wife.”
The woman gave me an awkward smile. “Ah, yes. She seems very nice.”
“She is.”
She looked around. “I don’t seem to see her. Did she come today?”
Really? “Of course she’s here. She’s visiting with someone right now, but she was the girl who was by my side throughout the ceremony.” Obviously. “Blond, pretty, hair tied up.”
She put her hands in the air. “Sorry, I can’t picture her. I hope I get the chance to give her my condolences later. Were she and your mother close?”
God, I wanted to hide in the car… “They didn’t get the chance to bond,” I said in a sigh.
“Oh!” the stranger exclaimed as she covered her mouth. “So tragic. I know that your mom is looking down from heaven, so proud of you.”
I nodded, pressing my lips together. “Yeah… well, I should go find my dad, if you don’t mind.”
I was forced into an awkward hug before she freed me and went to talk with another stranger about a woman she hardly knew. Everyone was so fake at a funeral, and I couldn’t understand what brought it out in them. If you didn’t care, then don’t try faking it. Stay home, and don’t bother other people with your fakeness because God knows I didn’t need another person in my face to tell me how much of a loss my mom was. And I didn’t want to fake agreeing with them.
My father leaned against the cemetery gates when I found him, his hands deep in his pockets as he looked at the gray sky. The day was chilly, and my teeth chattered on the way over to him.
I didn’t like seeing him like this, all broken and lost-looking. He’d known my mother most of his life, and she was his best friend in the world. Maybe that was why he let her do the things she’d done. It was that or deal with the fact that she wasn’t that same girl he’d married. How she’d been violent to their child, so silence suited him.
But that was bullshit. I loved Layla. She was the moon and the sky and the air I breathed, but I wouldn’t forgive her if she did to our child what my mother had done to me. There was a line, and Mom had crossed it hundreds of times. That was something Layla would never do, hurting something that we made together. She wasn’t capable of that kind of hate.
“Layla said you wanted to talk to me,” I said as I approached from the inside of the cemetery. I walked out and ended up facing my empty-looking father.
He cleared his throat and blinked his bloodshot eyes. “Yeah. How are you holding up?”
I exhaled. “Not great. My mother is dead, and I’ve been listening to people talk about her all damn day, telling me that she was amazing and kind and they couldn’t imagine her taking her own life.”
My father managed a glare. “Are you suggesting your mother wasn’t amazing?”
“Are you fucking kidding me?” I snapped. “Should I be sobbing and cursing the heavens for her loss?”
“Yes,” Dad growled.
I scoffed. “Maybe I’ll be in the mourning mood after my bruised ribs heal up and I stop getting headaches when it’s cold outside.”
“Bennett,” Dad said, calmer as he pushed off of the wall. “Don’t hold that stuff against her. She didn’t know what she was doing.”
I rolled my eyes. “She knew exactly what she was doing, Dad. She knew when she was reaching for that racket, and she knew when I was screaming for her in that freezer. You knew it too, so how about we cut the crap and you tell me what you have to say.”
He closed his eyes and pressed his palms into them, taking a deep breath. “I don’t want to fight with you, Bennett. Your mother and I have made a lot of mistakes, and I can’t deny that.”
“No, you can’t.”
Dad opened his eyes again, looking like he lost the little bit of energy he had. “I fucked up, and your mom fucked up. I can’t undo any of it, but I can try and be better in the future. All I ask is that you think about it. I have something else we need to talk about.”
“What is it?”
His hands went back into his pockets. “I wanted to know how you felt about selling the house.”
I shrugged. “I don’t live there anymore, Dad.”
He nodded and looked at the ground. “I know, but you grew up there, and I thought I should ask you. I don’t want to be there anymore. There are too many bad memories for the both of us, and I want something smaller.”
“If you want to sell it, then go for it.”
“Good,” he mumbled. “And there was one more thing. The house is worth a lot more than it was when we got it. After I get my new place, I figured I would give you what was left over. And your mom left you some money. You won’t have a lot.” He looked sideways as my wife began walking away from the headstone of her sister. “But you kids are starting out. I want to help you out as much as I can.”
My eyebrows rose in actual surprise. “Really?”
“Yeah. And I was going to sell my old car and keep your mom’s. Or I can give it to you.”
“The SUV?”
He nodded.
He was trying to buy my forgiveness. It wasn’t a great thing to do, but Layla and I needed th
e help and to put less on her parents for being as kind as they were in letting us stay with them.
“Thank you,” I said. “That would be great, actually. Maybe we can get an apartment.”
“There would be enough for a nice down payment on a house, if you wanted. We were your age when we got our first house.” He smiled. “We ate take out on the floor every night for a month. Couldn’t afford a couch or real food.” He breathed in. “God, it feels like months ago.” With a blink, he put his hand on my shoulder. “Listen to me, Bennett. It’s a cliché, but it’s the truest thing you will ever hear. Life rushes by you faster than you can understand, so don’t wait for things you want. You’re gonna blink and be an old man, and there is no going back. Don’t put off the things you want because there aren’t second chances.” He turned his head and pointed to Layla. “And take care of her because I didn’t take care of your mom in all the ways I should have. Don’t let things get bad, kiddo. Please.”
I thought that was when it hit me that Mom was gone because my father never had talks like this with me before. I didn’t get real father time. Mom was gone, and she wasn’t coming back. I didn’t know how I felt anymore.
“I will,” I promised. “For the rest of my life, I’m going to take care of Layla.”
Dad patted me on the shoulder as Layla approached, and he said goodbye to the both of us before he left to talk with other relatives.
Layla turned her head from my father’s direction to mine, and she put her little hands on my shoulders. “Everything okay?”
“Yeah,” I said. “He’s going to give us a little starting-out money and the SUV.”
Her mouth popped open, and I watched worry leave her as some of the weight lifted off her shoulders. “Oh, that’ll be such a help.”
I smiled. “I know. He wants to make up for being a horrible father.”
She scrunched her nose up and rocked up on her feet. “That’s gross, but I won’t look a gift SUV in the mouth. You?”
“Nah,” I shook my head. “I’ll take what he gives me. No need to let pride screw us over.”
I got a hug and kiss from my wife as she tried to soothe these open wounds I had. We both knew that it was almost pointless, but I appreciated the effort. I drew out the hug for as long as I could get away with.