“Baby, I’m sorry,” I pleaded.
“I loved you, Jaquon,” she said with tears streaming down the sides of her face. “Why? Why didn’t you just love me back?”
“Baby, I do love you,” I said, feeling her pain in its intensity for the first time.
“You couldn’t have,” she said through a cracking voice.
I could feel her body lose its strength as her struggling arms became limp and her outburst turned into inconsolable sobs. I slowly let go of her arms. She didn’t swing again.
“Baby, I’m sorry,” I tried to say as sincerely as I could.
“All I ever asked was for you to love me, for you to stay true to me, Jaquon, and you couldn’t even do that,” she said.
I crawled from atop her and sat next to her on the bed, watching her anguish release itself. She placed her hands over her face and continued to cry. I placed my hand on her shoulder but she shook it off. I wanted to wrap my arms around her, letting her know it was going to be okay, but I knew she wouldn’t allow it.
“Baby, talk to me, please,” I begged, trying hard not to lose it myself.
“What is there to talk about?” she asked sadly.
“Us.”
She sat up abruptly and I leaned back a bit, thinking she was going to start swinging on me again, but she didn’t.
She said, “There is no ‘us.’ I’m not even sure if there was ever an ‘us,’” she said despondently.
“Don’t say that,” I said, looking at her.
“I mean it this time, Jaquon,” she said, sniffling. “I’m done being your doormat.”
“Baby, we have both done some wrong things here.”
Her expression spoke volumes. She didn’t have to say a word and I knew what I said never should have come out of my mouth. I knew I didn’t have the right to throw up her indiscretions when I had been doing wrong all during our relationship together. Fury invaded her and I knew my words were not sanctioned here.
“You have the nerve to bring Derrick up right now,” she said irately.
“I didn’t say his name.”
“You didn’t have to. It was insinuated.”
I couldn’t say anything because she was right.
“I had every right to cheat on you,” she said.
“But you had to do it with my best friend. Derrick and I have been boys forever,” I said.
She smirked and said, “What better way to get back at you than to screw your boy?”
“But how was that going to solve our issues?”
“Now you want us to resolve things. Now that I have slept with your best friend, that’s when you want to make things work,” she said, getting up off the bed and walking over to the closet.
“I wanted us to work before all this happened,” I countered.
“Well you had a funny way of showing it, Jaquon. I mean really. You invited one of your women to an event you knew I was going to be at. What were you thinking?” she asked.
All I could say was, “I wasn’t.”
“Do you want to know why I slept with Derrick in the first place?”
I leaned forward on the bed, shaking my head because I didn’t want to know, but Kea continued anyway.
“Jaquon, you were never here. You were always making excuses as to why you were sleeping over Derrick’s house. So when he came over here to see you because he was upset about Zacariah cheating on him and you weren’t here, our emotions got caught up. He needed somebody and I needed him.”
Her words were cutting me deep. I didn’t ask for particulars, nor did I care to know, but that didn’t stop her from spewing the gory details.
“The next morning you come up in here saying you were with him. I knew you were lying because Derrick was in bed screwing me. He lay next to me most of the night. And you know what, it felt good. He felt good,” she said with a coldness I had never seen. “Your friend worked my body like it’s never been worked before, but it could have been because he was releasing the pain he was dealing with too. Our grief integrated into a night of passion I will never regret,” she said, pointing at me.
I couldn’t say anything. All the conversations I had with myself didn’t prepare me for Kea telling me in detail how she enjoyed getting it on with Derrick.
“I wanted to see for once what it felt like to be you. I wondered what had you out in the streets all times of night. But I guess in the end the joke was still on me,” Kea said.
I lowered my head, saying the only thing I could. “Baby, I’m sorry,” I said, repeating myself.
She ignored my apology and said, “I only slept with Derrick because he was there for me. He listened to me. He gave me what I couldn’t get from you because you were too busy giving it to other women.”
I went to stand but a twinge of pain shot through my side, reminding me of what a scorned woman could do with a bat. “Baby, I want us to work. I love you and I don’t want to lose you. I will forgive you for everything if you promise not to leave me.”
“I couldn’t care less whether you forgive me. The fact of the matter is I can’t forgive you. I gave you way too many chances with my heart, Jaquon, and you stomped on it. For goodness’ sake, you slept with the enemy.”
I forgot about that. Zacariah was once my past sexual encounter.
“You did her and her best friend. I don’t know what you got. Hell, I don’t know what you could have given me,” Kea said.
“Baby, please,” I begged, finally managing to stand to my feet. I walked towards her, but she held her hand up for me to stay away.
“I need you to leave. Pack your belongings and get the hell out.”
“Is there anything left to pack? You threw everything off the balcony, didn’t you?” I said, laughing, trying to lighten the mood. It didn’t work.
“Then go outside with your crap, Jaquon. I don’t want you here.”
“When can I come back?”
“Never,” she said.
“This is my place too, Kea.”
“I don’t care. You are leaving here tonight. Go to Zacariah or Essence or whoever else you’ve screwed. Just leave me the hell alone,” she demanded as she went into our master bathroom.
I sat back down on the bed, looking in the direction she’d gone. I knew this was the end of us. I didn’t realize how much I loved this woman until now. I was mad at myself for ruining such a good thing.
I stood back up slowly as more pain shot throughout my side. I walked in the bathroom to find Kea standing in front of the mirror. She was just staring at her reflection. I could see her broken spirit and hated that it was me who caused it.
I walked up behind her, looking at her reflection. She didn’t make me move. She didn’t scream at me to get out. She just looked at me with such sadness. I ran my finger across her cheek, almost whispering in a sympathetic tone, “Do you really want me to leave?”
The conclusion to our relationship abducted my voice. I couldn’t speak any louder because the wind was being taken out of my sail.
“Yes,” she said, looking into my eyes through the reflection in the mirror.
I was choked up. I knew she could see how much I agonized over her decision and wished she would change her mind. Tears were on the verge of falling but I tried my best to hold them back. I guessed that was the man in me. Maybe if I dropped down this masculine wall and let the pressure of losing her spew from every inch of me, she would consider taking me back. She would see she’s won this battle and I am waving a white towel in surrender because I want to make this relationship work. But I couldn’t. I nodded my head as I cleared my throat of any emotion wanting to escape me. I wrapped my arms around her for the last time, making our bodies into a solitary cell. I wanted our molecular components to transform into something beautiful. As many times Kea played the song “No Air” by Jordin Sparks, which I couldn’t stand to hear, now I understood what that song meant. Kea was my air. And no one could ever fill the span of my heart that belonged solely to her.
I
let Kea go and walked back into what was once our bedroom. I looked around at the space surrounding me. We did have some wonderful times here. I placed my hands in my pockets, lowering my head toward the floor. I looked back at Kea one last time and I watched as tears streamed down her cheeks. This was really it. I had finally pushed away the woman I loved and right now the only thing I could do was abide by her wishes and leave.
Chapter 3
Zacariah
My stint in the hospital was a short one. I actually got out the next morning with no one to pick me up. For some reason, Essence didn’t bother to call or come by to see me today. I called her house and got no answer. I kept calling her cell but she never picked up. That ticked me off. She knew I didn’t drive myself here so I didn’t have a car. She knew I had no family I claimed, either, so that left her. She was supposed to be my best friend but right now I wanted to pull that title from her. I was there for her when she passed out while she was screwing Jaquon but then she did me like this. I swore if she was with Jaquon while I had to try to find a way home, I was going to go off. I swore I would end my relationship with her if she continued to see Jaquon. It was either him or me, and it was in her best interest to choose me since he was a continuous cheater. “A friend before men” was my mantra.
Since I couldn’t get Essence to come get me, I ended up taking the cab home. “Home” was still staying with Essence, since Derrick kicked me out. Not only did I miss him, I missed that house. Don’t get me wrong, Essence had a nice home also, but Derrick’s was a lot nicer and a lot bigger. Where Essence’s home was one story, Derrick had a two story with a finished basement. I missed the walk-in closets and large master bathroom. I missed the fireplace we used to make love in front of and the granite countertops I used to hop up on to sit when I watched Derrick cook dinner for us. I couldn’t say Derrick wasn’t right for tossing me out on my ass. He did catch me cheating on him. I was still traumatized thinking about him ramming his fingers inside my womanhood and smearing the residue of the other man’s semen all over my face. I had been disrespected many times before but nothing like what Derrick did to me.
I expected to see Essence’s car sitting in the driveway but it wasn’t here. This was surprising since Essence told me last night at the hospital she was going home. Once inside I saw that the house was empty. I went to her bedroom to see her bed had not been slept in. Where was she? I was ready to cuss her out if she was still sleeping but she wasn’t here. No answer on her cell. No-show at the hospital and now her not being home . . . I thought this was odd, especially since Essence used Sunday as her relaxation day. I didn’t think she got the spirit and decided to go to church, because she never went to church. I didn’t know whether to be happy she wasn’t here or mad. Where was she?
I picked up the phone sitting on the console table behind the couch and dialed her number again.
“Hi, you’ve reached Essence. Leave me a message and I’ll get back to you when I get a chance. Later.”
After the beep, I said, “Essence, this is Zacariah. Where are you and why haven’t you returned my calls? Look, I’ve made it home now so when you get this message, please give me call. And I will try not to lay your behind out when you decide to call me.”
I hung up the phone and looked around the space, a little worried about where she was. Then I thought it was actually nice having the place to myself. The quiet was very much needed, so I walked around the table and sat down on the sofa. Laying my head back, I looked up at the ceiling and replayed the events that landed me in the position I was in.
“I told them I would get them back. They thought I was a joke and now look at them. Who’s laughing now? They deserve what they get. Little Ms. High and Mighty over here,” she said, looking at Kea, who stood with no tears, no expression, just shock plastered on her face.
“And you,” Zacariah said, sneering at Derrick. “I was your woman. I loved you and you cheated on me with her. This serves you right. I bet you wish you would have kept your dick in your pants now. You wouldn’t have had to worry about something as sick as this happening. Karma, baby, karma.”
Snapping back into now, I sat up on the sofa and proceeded to get up. I felt sore, like I had been in a battle. Well I had been in a battle. I was just on the losing end of this battle. Walking into the bathroom, I looked into the mirror at my reflection. With black eyes and a busted lip, anger came over me again. I wanted to go looking for Kea to whoop her for what she did to me.
Yes, I had just opened up the Bible and read a verse the nurse recommended to me last night.
Cease from anger, and forsake wrath: fret not thyself in any wise to do evil.
But how do I do that? How do I not be angry about this? It’s not in my nature to turn the other cheek. All my life people had turned away and ignored me like I didn’t exist. No one ever cared about me. Looking back on my entire existence I had a lot to be angry about. I had been the only person I could trust in this life. I couldn’t trust my mama or daddy. I couldn’t trust any of my aunts or uncles. I thought I could trust Derrick but he left me too. And today I couldn’t even depend on Essence. All I had was me. Who in the hell was doing anything for me?
Tired of wallowing in self-pity I decided I was going to order some take-out and chill for a little while. Deciding to wait and see if Essence contacted me, I took this time to get to know television again. Why not get caught up in something else besides allowing my thoughts to dampen my already sunken spirit? So I clicked the tube on. Too bad the first bit of news I heard was a tragic death, and it was someone I knew.
“An elderly man by the name of Otis Hanks was shot and killed late last night at the Copper Ledge apartment complex in a robbery gone bad,” the anchorwoman said. “Sources say the gunman was an African American male looking to be in his late teens. He was wearing black jeans and a jacket with green lettering on the back. If you know any information regarding this murder, please call your local authorities.”
I was shocked. Derrick’s biological father was dead. I just talked to this man the other day. I wondered if Derrick got a chance to see him before his passing. I wanted to go over to his house to see him but thought better of it. Not after what I had put him through. I did decide to do the next best thing and call him. I knew once his caller ID showed it was Essence’s house, he might not answer, but to my surprise he did.
“Hello.”
“Hey, Derrick. It’s me, Zacariah.”
When he heard my voice, he said nothing.
“Derrick, are you there?”
“I’m here.”
“I didn’t know whether you hung up on me.”
“I have every right to, don’t you think?” he said impassively.
“Yes, you do, but, Derrick, just hear me out. I want to apologize,” I said, thinking this might smooth things over a bit.
“I think it’s too late for that.”
“Please, Derrick. I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean for things to turn out like they have.”
“It went exactly like you wanted it to go, Zacariah,” he said loudly.
“Yes. No. Derrick, look, baby, I never wanted us to end up where we are now,” I said, confused.
“You can’t blame any of this on me.”
“I know if I never cheated on you, we would still be living in bliss.”
“I doubt that,” he said coldly.
“Well I think so. I love you.”
“You love me so much you were determined to ruin my life. I’m sitting here more unhappy than I’ve ever been in my entire life and it’s all because you couldn’t leave well enough alone. All you had to do was let me go on with my life, but because I wanted my future to be with Kea, you couldn’t let that happen.”
“You’re right but, Derrick, I didn’t lead you to believe your father was your biological dad. That was your mother. And I didn’t rape Kea’s mom to produce Kea. That was your biological father,” I said defensively.
The next thing I heard was a dial tone. I di
aled his number back but he never picked up the phone again.
I was mad at myself for going there with him. I was getting aggressive because he was trying to blame all of this on me but he couldn’t. Why couldn’t he see his mother, Kea’s mother, their dad, and other family members let these lies consume a past all of them were trying to conceal, which eventually turned his world upside down? I was just the one who brought things to the light.
Chapter 4
Zacariah
It was four days later and I still hadn’t stepped foot outside of Essence’s house. And Essence hadn’t stepped foot inside. I thought maybe she had gone to visit with her parents. She was planning this trip before all this drama came up. Maybe the stress of everything made her leave earlier than she planned. I was supposed to go with her but if she needed to do this on her own then more power to her. Right now I had Derrick to worry about.
I used these days for my body to heal. And it gave me time to think about how I was going to get Derrick back. Since he decided to ignore my numerous attempts to talk with him, I decided I was going to try to call him from a pay phone. Of all the days he needed me, today was that day, since they were burying Mr. Hanks today.
I dressed like I was about to rob somebody. I had on a black jogging suit with a hood I pulled over my head, and some dark shades to cover my healing bruises. The sun felt good but I was in no mood to enjoy the springlike weather.
I climbed into the back of a cab, since I still didn’t have a car, and asked the driver to take me to the nearest pay phone. He turned and looked at me like I was crazy.
“Did you hear what I said?” I shouted to the African American man.
“Oh, I heard you. But why don’t you tell me where the nearest pay phone is because I don’t know.”
“You drive around all damn day. You never see a pay phone?”
“Ma’am, why would I be on the lookout for a pay phone when everybody on earth has a cell phone? Even my five-year-old granddaughter has a cell phone,” he said jokingly.
But I didn’t find a damn thing funny.
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