“He texted me and said you caught Justin cheating and that you needed a friend. I came right home and found you…” She trailed off.
“That’s it?”
“Yeah,” she answered with a frown. “Hannah, what’s going on?”
“Oh, Erica.” I sobbed and leaned into her, burying my face in neck.
Her arms went instantly around me, and I let it all out. Through my sobs, I replayed my entire night to her. I starting with the party and my fight with Marcus and ended with my rejected kiss. She never said a word, just continued to comfort me through the entire story.
To top it all off, Marcus was still trying to help me. He told me to leave after I kissed him. There was no going back from what I did. I couldn’t even be sure we could be civil without the awkwardness I created, and he still thought enough to text Erica and tell her I needed someone.
My heart broke all over again.
I finally pulled away, waiting for her reaction, but she didn’t really show one. Her lack of response to everything I just said only made me want to cry harder.
“Say something,” I begged her.
“Hannah, I…” She opened and shut her mouth a few times before giving up. “I don’t know what to say.”
I leaned into her again, and we just sat there in comfortable silence. I was exhausted, physically and emotionally. My tears slowly stopped, and I wiped my face dry. I was so over crying. I was so over feeling this way. But I knew it wasn’t going to let up any time soon. I wasn’t that lucky. I was too invested.
“How can things get this bad in one night?” I asked her.
She sighed. “I have no words, Hannah.”
“I wasn’t anything special to Justin. This whole time, I was the other girl. I fell for every single thing he said to me. I gave him exactly what he wanted. I’m so naïve.”
She pulled away from me now. “No. He had us all fooled. I liked him. I thought he treated you so well. I was shocked when I got that text from Mark. I honestly couldn’t believe it. You are not naïve. He’s just a good actor, apparently.”
“Not everyone was fooled by him.” I was surprised at how lifeless I sounded. Monotone, really. There was no emotion in my voice. “Marcus didn’t like him, obviously for good reason.”
“What bothers you more right now?” She bit her lip, obviously wary of my answer.
“What do you mean?”
“Don’t get me wrong. I know Justin all but broke your heart. I know you were falling for him so I’m not trying to downplay the significance of what he did to you.” She sighed, and I raised my brows, urging her to continue. “But are you more upset about that or about being rejected by Marcus?”
“What?” I furrowed my brows and blinked a few times. I had no idea how to answer that mostly because I wasn’t sure I knew the answer.
“Look, Hannah. To anyone else, it might look bad that you’re upset about Mark almost as much if not more than Justin because they don’t know the extent of your feelings for him, but you can’t hide from me. If you’d had a choice last month, I know you would have chosen Mark.”
Her words made my chest and my head hurt. Once again, I was at a loss for words. I was upset about Justin, obviously. Distraught, even. My heart had been broken last night, and my hope of moving forward with someone I thought was so perfect for me shattered. It made me feel worse to be upset about Marcus. Erica was right. No one would really understand my conflict here.
I felt guilty for being upset about Marcus when I knew my focus should have been on Justin and his betrayal. I couldn’t explain how hurt I was to find out I’d been nothing but a piece of ass to him after everything we’d been through. Every touch, every kiss, every sweet gesture was nothing but a charade to get me to sleep with him. Over and over again.
Then there was Marcus. The man I’ve loved since I was just a little girl. The person I’d been dreaming of being with my entire life. My very best friend in the entire world. I took a chance, and he rejected me. There was no going back now. Yes, I was hurting and wanting the comfort, but I wasn’t just on the rebound last night. I saw an opportunity, and I took it.
But I failed.
The way he held me in his arms, the way he was comforting me just felt different last night. I couldn’t put my finger on why. I just assumed it was because he felt something other than the protective best friend feelings we were both used to. The fact that Amy wasn’t there told me he made a choice. I just took it all wrong.
To be upset over Marcus made me feel like I was playing down the hurt I felt from Justin. I wasn’t. I couldn’t. I was brokenhearted over both situations. I couldn’t just bounce back from either quickly, if I ever could. The scars were permanently there.
I forgot Erica had asked me a question, but she looked content to let me think about it while she waited. That was good. I had a lot of thinking to do.
“I honestly don’t know.” I exhaled, lying back on my bed.
Erica moved to lie beside me. “It’s okay to be confused.”
“Is it? Because I feel like the most horrible person in the world right now.”
“Hannah, I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but you will be okay.”
I scoffed at her words.
“It may be awkward for a bit, but you’ll bounce back. Mark’s not the kind of guy to just let his best friend go without a fight because of one little mistake.”
I hoped she was right. I wanted her to be right. I didn’t want to work things out with Justin. If I ever saw him again, it would be too soon. But, Marcus? I wanted nothing more than to take back what I did and go back to how things were. I wouldn’t be such a bitch about him dating Amy. I wouldn’t be so whiny or clingy. I wouldn’t take him for granted again. Ever.
If he’d only give me another chance.
“I’m not sure he wants to be my friend after that. I’ll be hard to be his friend when he knows how I feel, but he doesn’t feel the same way.”
“Maybe at first but now that he does know how you feel and now that you know he doesn’t feel the same way, you can move on. No more just hoping to move on. You actually can. Your feelings for Mark will fade, and eventually, he will be nothing more than a friend to you. Your best friend again. And you’ll both be happy.”
I didn’t realize I’d started to cry again at her words until her finger lightly brushed my tears away. What would I do without Erica? She told me when to grow up. She told me when I really did look fat in the jeans I wanted to buy. She told me the truth. She didn’t sugar coat things or paint a pretty picture to me. She loved me. This woman always knew what to say to make me feel better, and this was no exception.
I felt a little hope for the first time since everything happened. The numbness was lifted a little, and I felt a little more functional. I was in no way one hundred percent me again, and I doubted I would be for a very long time, but this was progress. Baby steps. My heart was still heavy, and the mere thought of either Justin or Marcus brought tears to my eyes and pain in my heart, but I had hope that one day it wouldn’t hurt this bad.
Maybe, just maybe, one day, it wouldn’t hurt at all.
i groaned when i woke up. My arm was asleep from hanging over the edge of the bed, and my ribs hurt more than they have been lately. I guess I did a little more than I thought last night. Just thinking about the time I spent with Amy brought a huge smile to my face.
The previous night had been amazing. Never in my life had I ever had that much stamina. Sure, I could go a couple of times if I really wanted to, but damn. Amy was different than any girl I’d ever been with, and I knew why. I loved Amy. Making love had an entirely new meaning when you were actually in love with the person you were with.
After our hours of love making, we’d laid in bed, tangled in each other’s arms, and finally talked about what happened. I’d told Amy everything. She hadn’t say much, not even after I told her than Hannah had kissed me and asked if we could give it a try. Her silence had made me nervous at first. She’d warn
ed me not to let Hannah come, and I hadn’t listened. She had been right to assume something else, but she’d trusted me. The worry finally left me when she’d slid back on top of me and kissed me passionately. The talking had been done then.
Turning over, I was careful to not hurt my ribs anymore and went to wrap my arm around her only to find her side of the bed empty. I frowned, lifting onto my elbows. The bathroom door was open, the light off. Looking around the room, I noticed my clothes were the only ones on the floor. She had gotten dressed.
I rolled out of bed, grabbed my glasses and slid on my boxers from the floor before making a quick stop in the bathroom. Running my hands through my messy hair, I walked into the kitchen, grinning when I notice Amy at the kitchen table.
She was looking out the sliding glass door, at what I had no idea. There wasn’t much of a view from there. Her legs were pulled up to her chest, and she had her arms casually wrapped around her knees. She was beautiful. I couldn’t lie. I was a little disappointed she was fully dressed, but I’d get over it.
“Good morning,” I said with a smile.
She finally looked over at me. “Morning,” she said quietly.
I frowned a bit at her lack of expression.
“You okay?” I took a few steps toward her.
After a moment, smiled back at me. “I’m fine.”
“Good.”
She stood before I reached her and walked straight into my arms. I gladly wrapped them around her, and she buried her face into my chest. Leaning down, I kissed her head, letting my lips linger on her hair. I loved the smell of her shampoo. Vanilla.
We stood like that for a few minutes. I rubbed her back, just enjoying having her close to me. I was perfectly content until her arms tightened almost painfully around my waist. It was only then that I heard her quiet sniffling.
“Amy?” I frowned and tried to pull away so I could look at her, but she fought to keep her head where it was on my chest, where I couldn’t see her. “Amy, what’s wrong?”
“Shh.”
That only made my frown deepen. I was about to ask her what was going on again when she spoke softly again.
“Just a little longer. Just hold me a little longer.”
Now, I was really confused.
I didn’t try to push her away again. She’d ask for a moment, and I would give it to her. Obviously, something upset her. I just wanted to comfort her. I wrapped my arms back around her and continued caressing her back, resting my cheek on her head.
Amy finally pulled away from me but kept her head down. I was about to ask her, again, if she was okay, but she looked up at me, and the words got trapped in my throat.
She looked so sad, so broken. I could only imagine what had been going through her head since last night, but I was going to find out for sure. I’d do anything to take her pain away. I cupped her face in my hands and gently brushed away her tears with my thumbs.
“Amy, tell me what’s wrong.”
She took a deep breath and gazed right into my eyes. Her hands came up to cover mine on her face for a moment earlier sliding them down my arms.
“Marcus…” She pulled her lip between her teeth, and I grew more nervous.
She opened her mouth. Instead of saying something, she looked away before taking my hand and leading me to the kitchen table. I blinked when she just sat down and took that as my cue to sit in the chair beside her, only I moved it closer to her as I did.
“Amy, you’re starting to worry me.” I chuckled nervously.
She had her lip between her teeth again.
“Marcus, I…” She took a deep breath and glanced down at her hands in her lap, where she was nervously picking at her nails.
I went to reach for her hand, but she held hers up to stop me.
“Please, don’t. I need to get this out without any… distractions.” She looked right at me as she said this.
I couldn’t stop my heart from speeding up. Something was very wrong, and I was dying in anticipation of finding out what.
“Get what out, Amy?” I honestly wasn’t sure I wanted to know.
Her beautiful brown eyes locked on mine, and her lip trembled. My heart stopped at her words.
“I can’t do this anymore, Marcus.”
Of all the things I could have come up with about what was bothering her, this was not it. How in the world could this be happening after everything we’d been through last night? After all the bad shit. We had the greatest night together, and now she was saying she can’t do this?
“What?” I flinched when she jumped in shock. I hadn’t meant to speak so loudly, and now I almost whispered. “I’m sorry. I just don’t understand.”
“I can’t be with you right now, Marcus.” Her body was shaking, and she was fighting tears. I could see this was hard for her, but it hurt me like hell too. “I’m sorry.”
“What do you mean you can’t with me? I don’t get it.” I kept my voice strong, needing answers. “I thought we were okay.”
“We are, but…”
“But, what, Amy? If we’re okay, then there should be no buts.” Keeping the hurt and anger out of my voice was proving harder than I thought.
“We are okay, Marcus.” She was crying now, and I wanted so badly to hold her and tell her everything was all right, but I held off to give her a chance to explain. “We’re okay for now, but later down the road…”
“Wait, what?” I took a deep breath, hoping to keep my voice even. “You’re breaking up with me over something that might happen? Amy, that doesn’t make sense.”
She brought her hand to her mouth. Her sobs got worse. Amy was having a hard time with this. I knew that. I just wanted to go back to last night and stay there.
“Amy.” I gently took her other hand, and she let me, keeping her gaze averted. “Amy, talk to me. Where is this coming from?”
I caressed her hand and moved from my chair to kneel in front of her. It was only then that she looked at me again. She brought the hand that had been on her mouth down and ran her fingers through my hair. For a moment, I thought everything was okay. Then she shook her head, and I knew I was wrong.
“She has feelings for you,” she said through her tears. She was no longer sobbing, and for that, I was grateful, but the tears silently kept falling.
“What? Who?” I knew she must have been referring to Hannah, but I didn’t want to believe it. Who else would she be talking about?
“Hannah.”
I blinked, still shocked to hear her say it out loud, and opened my mouth to tell her she was wrong.
But she cut me off. “All this time, you both have had these feelings for each other and neither of you knew.”
“No.” I frowned and blinked again, shaking my head. “No, last night, Hannah was upset. She’s on the rebound, Amy. I was there. I was an easy target.”
She shook her head, and more tears spilled out of her eyes. “No, I know how she feels about you. I’ve always had a hunch, but I found out for sure when you were in the hospital.” Her hand ran down from my hair, and she cupped my cheek, looking lovingly down into my eyes. “How could she not love you?” she added with a soft smile.
I leaned into her hand. I fought for the right words to say, but I had absolutely no idea how to respond to what she said. Not that Amy would lie but she had to be mistaken.
“No, baby. You’re wrong.”
She shook her head more.
“What happened while I was in the hospital to make you think that?” I asked.
“She didn’t want me there, Marcus,” she said softly.
“She was just scared, and she’s not used to sharing—”
“No, Marcus. No more making excuses for her. I know how she feels. Trust me. Everyone knew but you.”
She was wrong. She had to be.
“You’re breaking up with me because Hannah might have feelings for me?” It didn’t make sense.
“No. I’m breaking up with you because it’s only fair.”
&nbs
p; I jerked my head to the side and blinked again. Everything she said confused me that much more.
“What are you talking about?” I asked.
She pulled her hand from mine and brought it my face, caressing my cheeks with her thumbs. With a sad smile, she leaned down and brushed her lips against mine softly. I returned her kiss, frowning at the salty taste of her tears.
“You deserve to see where that goes. With Hannah.”
I sat back on my heels, still on my knees in front of her, and her hands fell from my face. I looked down to where mine were now resting on my knees and took a few deep breaths. It was like I was in the twilight zone. My head was all kinds of fucked up right now.
“Marcus.” Her voice brought my head up to look at her. “Your whole life, you’ve been in love with one girl.”
I went to correct her.
She held up her hand to stop me. “All that time, you thought she didn’t feel the same way. Now you know. Now’s your chance.”
“No.” I stood and took a couple of careful steps back. I was breathing heavily, suddenly angry although I wasn’t sure who I was angry at. “No. This is stupid. I want to be with you, Amy! Not Hannah. You. I thought you wanted to be with me, too.”
In a perfect world, nothing would have happened between Hannah and me, and Amy would have no reason to claim she wanted this. In a perfect world, it would be just Amy and me.
But this wasn’t a perfect world. This entire situation scared the hell out of me because Amy was right. I had been in love with Hannah my whole life. I’d dreamed of her telling me she felt the same way so we could be together. I knew we’d work well together. I mean, look how close we were. But Hannah hadn’t felt the same way.
Or so I thought. Maybe I’d been wrong. Part of me was curious as to how that would work out, but the bigger part of me wanted Amy.
“I do want to be with you, Marcus! But this isn’t about me. I’m doing this for you.” She was crying again. She got up to walk to me, but I took another step back.
“No. I know who I want to be with, Amy, and that’s you. Why can’t you see what you mean to me?”
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