I got my phone out of my pocket and sent a quick text to Erica, telling her to pick Hannah up at the hospital ASAP from the appointment. That was all I said.
The rage I was feeling came back, and without thinking, I threw my phone as hard as I could, watching it shatter against the far all in the kitchen beside the refrigerator. It wasn’t satisfying enough.
I wasn’t a violent person. I’d never felt anything like I was right now, but I couldn’t stop myself.
I walked back into the spare bedroom where Hannah and I had started buying little things here and there. Things we could get away with without knowing the sex, some unisex baby blankets, random onesies with cute sayings on them, supplies we would need no matter what the sex. I couldn’t stand to look at it.
I wanted to smash it. I wanted to break everything in sight and tear the clothing and bedding to shreds. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I couldn’t bring myself to take my anger out on an innocent baby.
He or she may not be mine, but they deserved much more than that.
Instead, I went back to the kitchen for a large trash bag and came back to the spare room. Without a second thought, I started throwing as much as I could into the bag, filling it more quickly than I’d imagined. I had to go back for two more bags before I got everything out of the room. What to do with it now was the question.
I debated taking it to Hannah’s apartment, but in all my haste, I had no idea how much time had passed and wasn’t sure if she’d be home or not. I opted for the garage for now. I could deal with it later when I’d calmed down.
I had a feeling I’d regret trashing it. I also had a feeling I’d regret tossing it in the garage like trash. For now, though, it was a small comfort in the hell that had become my life.
Was I overreacting? Maybe but I’d never felt a betrayal like this.
Hannah might not have been fully aware of the situation, but I couldn’t help but wonder if she’d ever at least suspected it. I didn’t think Hannah would lie, but she’d been doing some pretty out of character things when she was jealous of Amy. What if she just didn’t want me to know so I wouldn’t leave her?
That couldn’t have been it. She had been just as excited as me for this appointment. If she knew that it wasn’t my baby, she wouldn’t have been. It had been a shock to her too.
Still, I couldn’t bring myself to go back. I needed time away from her, time to think.
I just hoped she’d forgive me when I was ready for it.
If I was ever ready for it.
I didn’t know what this meant for Hannah and my relationship. If I had to decide right now, I’d say it was over, but I couldn’t really think rationally. One thing I knew for sure was that I would not take it out on that baby. He or she deserved a father.
If Hannah would have me after this, that was exactly what I’d be. The way I was feeling right now, I would be that and nothing more.
A father.
“liven up, girl! it’s your birthday!” Devon said excitedly as she nudged me playfully with her elbow.
She had talked me into going out tonight for drinks for my birthday. I hadn’t really been in the mood, but she told me I needed to get out. Devon had a point. I’d been cooped up in my apartment with the kids on and off for the last couple of weeks. Mom made sure to have the night off so I could go out for my birthday.
“I’m having fun!” I replied defensively.
Devon narrowed her eyes at me. “Yeah, okay. I’ll pretend I believe that.” She snorted, downing the rest of her drink. “You’re twenty five now!”
“You say that like that means anything,” I said with a laugh.
“Well,” she started, pretending to think about it. “Okay, so there’s nothing special you can do specifically because you’re twenty-six, but it’s still your birthday. You should be having fun.”
She sounded a little down now, and I knew it was my fault.
“I know. I’m sorry.” I took a big drink of whatever the heck she ordered for me when we arrived and sucked in a breath through my teeth once it went down. My throat burned, and I resisted the urge to cough. It was supposed to be fruity, but I had a feeling she made sure they made it strong just for me. “Let’s have some fun!”
Devon laughed and grabbed my hand, dragging me to the dance floor of the crowded bar. She’d told me there was nowhere local she wanted to go so she brought me to one of the hottest bars in the city. I couldn’t even tell you the name. That was how often I came out on the town, so to speak.
We danced for over an hour and had a couple more drinks between the two of us. I was feeling pretty good, but nowhere near as drunk as I had a feeling Devon was trying to get me. Still, I had to admit, the alcohol helped me loosen up, and I actually start to have a good time. Maybe Devon was onto something here.
A couple of guys came up and started dancing with us without really asking for permission, but we were too far gone to even care. We danced with them but paid more attention to one another, giggling like school girls. The guys assumed it was because of them because they stayed.
Devon wasn’t worried about Chad getting mad. He wasn’t the jealous type, and there was absolutely nothing going on. If I was being honest, Devon and I were probably touching more than we were with these guys. I couldn’t even tell you what they looked like, and I wasn’t that drunk.
Eventually, they seemed to get the picture that we weren’t interested and moved on. I was really starting to be grateful that Devon made me come out tonight. It was my birthday, and I did deserve to have a good time.
Until my phone vibrated in my pocket.
I looked at the screen. It was my mom. Frowning, I showed Devon my phone, and she grimaced. She followed me out of the crowded bar and onto the street anyways.
I shivered, wishing I’d have brought a jacket now as we stood in the cold night air. By the time I was able to answer the phone, Mom had already hung up. I mouthed a sorry to Devon as I dialed Mom’s number back, and she smiled and shrugged in understanding.
“Amy?”
Mom sounding flustered automatically had me on edge. The alcohol in my system no longer buzzed as it was a few minutes ago.
“Mom? Is everything all right?”
“Oh, honey. I am so sorry. I know it’s your birthday and you’re out with Devon…”
I took a deep breath, already knowing what she was going to say.
“But I just got called into work. Someone quit, and, well, it’ll be overtime if I work tonight. They’re desperate.”
I pressed the heel of my hand against my eye for a moment and let out a breath. I knew the struggles my mom was going through, what with the adoption process and trying to work full time. She only asked for my help when she truly needed it. I shouldn’t be angry with her, but I couldn’t help but be a little bummed that my night had come to a stop.
Not to mention I’d been drinking so that would make watching the children even more interesting.
“It’s all right, Mom. I’ll grab a cab and come get them.” I looked up to make sure Devon heard me, and she already had her phone to her ear, giving me a thumbs up and a wink.
She was always one step ahead of the game.
“I’ve already got them ready. I’ll just meet you at your place. Is that okay?” Mom asked, still sounding a little flustered.
“Of course. I’ll see you soon,” I said before telling her I loved her and hanging up my phone.
“Cab should be here soon.”
I gave Devon an apologetic look.
She waved it off. “It’s okay. Family comes first.”
I didn’t deserve a friend as good as her.
“I just hope they’re good. I have a feeling I won’t be feeling the best when the alcohol is out of my system,” I said with a humorless laugh, which Devon returned.
“I’ll hang with you if you want. Then you won’t be alone when they go to bed.”
i was feeling a little better about leaving my makeshift birthday party with D
evon to watch the kids when the cab dropped us off at my apartment. Luckily, I had just gotten groceries. They were already staying with me for New Year’s, and I’d wanted to be prepared and not have to brave the grocery stores in the holiday crowd.
“I don’t see Mom’s car yet,” I said, taking a look around the parking lot for it before walking with Devon up to my apartment door. “I’ll call her to see where she is.”
I unlocked my apartment door and walked inside with Devon right behind me. I laid my keys on the table by the door and slid off my heels before moving farther into the apartment so Devon could shut the door. I reached over, turned on the lights, and nearly jumped out of my skin.
“Surprise!” came in a chorus from at least a dozen people who’d been hiding in my living room and kitchen.
“What is this?” I asked once I finally managed to catch my breath.
“It’s your surprise party, silly.” Devon came up behind me, placing her hands on my shoulders as if to ground me.
“But my mom…and the kids…” I was in shock. I looked around the room, taking in all the smiling faces.
“Your mom was in on it,” Devon explained.
I laughed. Of course, she was. I needed to remember to thank her later as well.
Chad was there as well as a few other people I knew from the gym. Sarah, Greg, Janet, Michael, and even Lauren, the other trainer who I rarely saw but talked to whenever she was around with free time. Devon had even invited a couple of regulars who came in a few times a week, Sherry and her husband Tom. It was amazing.
I smiled wide but I couldn’t help noticing who wasn’t there.
Marcus.
We hadn’t talked much, but I couldn’t imagine he would miss this, and I knew Devon would have invited him. I tried not to let it bother me too much. He had better things to deal with now.
I hugged Devon, thanking her for all of this before moving to Chad. I knew they were in this together, and I appreciated all they’d done for me. Not only did Devon get me out and get me to loosen up beforehand, but they’d both set up a surprise party, knowing I’d have said no if they told me they wanted to throw me one.
“You guys are amazing,” I said, feeling tears sting my eyes. “Thank you.”
“Oh no. The alcohol must be getting to you,” Devon teased, winking at me. “You know what that means? Shots!”
An hour or so and more than enough shots later, we were all back to having a good time. Someone had set up Dance, Dance, Revolution in my living room, and my kitchen table had been turned into a beer pong table. I’d need about ten extra vacuum bags to sweep up all the confetti that kept appearing out of nowhere.
If I didn’t feel like cleaning up, at least I’d be decorated for New Year’s already.
All thoughts of Marcus had almost disappeared. Almost. It was hard, but I was willing to ease the hurt with more alcohol and so far, it had been working. Until I noticed Devon and Chad whispering in the kitchen.
Being the nosy person I tended to be when drunk, I carefully made my way over to them. They hadn’t even noticed my approach.
“I’ve called him a dozen times. He’s not answering,” Chad whispered, but not very quietly. The music helped to sort of drown him out.
Speaking of music, I wondered how my neighbors were taking my party.
Focus, Amy.
“I thought you said he’d be here,” Devon replied, none too happily.
“He said he would. I don’t know where he could be.” Chad sighed, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand. “It’s not like him to flake out like this.”
“You think Hannah put a stop to him coming?” This time Devon’s voice was dripping with distain, but at the moment, I couldn’t think of why.
“I don’t know.” Chad dropped his hand and looked at his phone again. “I’m going to call her. What if something is wrong?”
“No, don’t. It’ll probably just cause more problems right now. We can deal with him later.”
“Deal with who?” I slurred in question, even though I already knew who. I pretended not to see the exchange of looks between them.
“Amy, we should play DDR!” Devon said excitedly before looking at Chad. “Can you get us some more drinks?”
I blinked, watching them for a moment.
“Wait. What were you guys talking about?” I asked again.
“Oh, I love this song!” And she was off, pulling me behind her.
I looked back and saw Chad smile softly and shrug. I wondered what he was thinking.
Devon had ahold of my hands, and we were moving around my living room. Had I been sober, I might have been embarrassed, but I wasn’t. I found myself laughing and dancing right along with Devon.
A few minutes later, Chad brought us over some drinks as requested by Devon and started dancing with us. I really was having the time of my life. Good friends, a great party. Fun times.
What had I been worrying about a little bit ago?
“hannah? you sure you don’t want some?” Erica asked, holding up a pint of mint chocolate chip ice cream from where she sat next to me on our couch.
I just shook my head. I didn’t have any words at the moment.
He left me. Marcus just up and left me at the hospital. I was so shocked at the time, thank goodness, because my tears didn’t start until I was in Erica’s car on the way home. I just couldn’t believe the way he reacted to the news. I could understand being surprised. I was surprised as well. But angry? So angry he’d just walk out?
My heart was in two. Correction. My heart was in pieces. If I thought finding out that Justin had been using me to cheat on his girlfriend was bad, this was monumentally worse. Just the thought of Marcus walking out on me like that was enough to bring bile up my throat. Adding that to the fact that I was carrying Justin’s baby was enough to make me want to crawl in a hole.
Justin.
I’d gone so long without thinking about him. All the things going on with Marcus aside, suddenly Justin was all I could think about. It made sense. I was, in fact, carrying his child.
I still got a little lightheaded with the thought.
I was finished with Justin. After everything he’d put me through, I was ready to move on. He hadn’t reached out to me, and I wasn’t about to reach out to him. Until now. Maybe. I had no idea what I was going to do.
“Hannah, please say something. You’re worrying me.”
I shook my head again, still not ready to talk.
My mind was playing ping pong with my thoughts. Justin. Marcus. Justin. Marcus.
I couldn’t stop thinking about Marcus. What was he thinking about? Would he come back? Was he going to stay mad forever? He couldn’t possibly think I’d known about this. I’d have been worried if he wasn’t surprised and upset, but this? This seemed to be a little overboard. Maybe I was wrong, though. My emotions were all out of whack.
And then there was Justin. This was his baby. He had a right to know, didn’t he? If he chose to do the right thing, that would keep me tied to him for the rest of my life. If he chose not to, that would crush me for the sake of my child. Who could turn their back on their own child?
Or worse. What if he tried to fight me for it? It didn’t help that he came from a family of attorneys himself. I couldn’t let that happen. I wouldn’t survive it.
I might only be fifteen weeks pregnant, but I loved this baby more than life itself. It was a part of me, and I refused to let anything bad happen to it.
I just hoped I had a choice in the matter.
I guessed not telling Justin would make sure that didn’t happen, but could I do that? Justin may be an ass to me, but who was I to judge his ability to be a father? It was a lot to think about, and quite frankly, I was losing myself to exhaustion from today’s events.
I wanted to forget.
Too bad alcohol was now out of the question.
“What are you going to do?” Erica asked warily, knowing it was best to tread with caution. I felt like a time bomb, an
d I knew she could sense it too.
“I don’t know.”
Erica had already voiced her opinion about the way Marcus behaved. I’d never heard her say a harsh word about that man before, and I couldn’t lie. I was completely shocked. She agreed he had a right to be upset but to leave me? Out of the question in her eyes as well.
“I think you should tell Justin.”
Her words had my head snapping in her direction. Whether she had a point or not was irrelevant. I suddenly felt betrayed by my best friend. No matter what was actually right or wrong in this situation, I expected her to be on my side.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” I said.
“Hannah, that’s his baby too,” she whispered.
I looked down at my lap, wringing my hands together. This was harder than I could have imagined.
Erica would be adamant about me telling Justin. While she had a fantastic relationship with her stepfather, she’d always wondered about her biological father who’d walked out on her mom after finding out about Erica.
Thinking about Erica put a few things in perspective for me. I couldn’t imagine my child growing up to find out that I had intentionally kept their father from them. Still, I had to wonder if that would be better than to have their dad not want them from the get-go.
My situation was different. My stepdad was my father. He raised me, and I almost couldn’t remember a time when he hadn’t been around. My real dad had died from a heart attack when I was just a baby. He’d only been thirty five years old.
“What if he doesn’t want this baby?” I asked, frowning when Erica flinched. I hadn’t meant to hit a nerve, but I couldn’t take it back now.
“But what if he does?”
I could hear the sadness in her voice, but I couldn’t bring myself to be sympathetic.
“I don’t think I could handle having Justin be a part of my life again. I don’t want to be tied to him by this.”
“It’s not fair to him or the baby for you to make that decision though, is it?” The sudden hardness in her voice startled me.
She looked away like she was ashamed, and I took a deep breath. I couldn’t say that I disagreed. I’d already played through all the possibilities in my head, but that didn’t mean I was willing to put myself through anything else like that.
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