by Criss Copp
I stood up beside the bed and began to self-consciously remove my jeans and boxers, all the while watching her remove her jeans and undies; till I could see her revealed before me.
All that I had just touched, all that I had just fondled to submission and delight lay before me. She was blonde, although slightly darker than on her head, and the amount of pubic hair was naturally light.
In the same way as I was looking at her, she was looking at me, checking out my nakedness.
My penis was a good handful and a bit, but I was neither light nor heavy in the pubic hair revelation. I was standing to complete attention though, and I was in my complete glory before her. It was a sobering moment.
My hips and lower abdomen, immediately above my pelvis have some pretty gnarly scars, but I’d gotten used to them over time. It was pleasing she didn’t appear to mind. They were what they were, and I had no ability to change them or fix them further; but the rest of me looked pretty good. More importantly, it was only flesh scars. My hips and everything else worked fine. The best thing about breaking bones when you’re younger is their capacity to heal really, really well.
I went to my bedside drawer and grappled to pull a condom out of a packet inside it.
I hadn’t practiced putting them on. I hadn’t had sex before. I would’ve been able to learn the art of condom application if I had continued at school and through year 11; since they did sexual education classes a couple of times a year with students, and got them to put condoms on vegetables and stuff. But I left before that and began to work. I mean I knew that you roll it down, and that it couldn’t be that hard; but Jade was always saying how it needed to be done correctly; or it could bust… so what was the right way?
I looked at Shae. She’d done the classes.
“Could you?” I asked her, handing the condom across.
She gaped, but then shook her head and grabbed the condom. She tore open the packet and then placed the little hat over the tip of my penis. The anticipation of her touch was too much and my penis jerked and chucked the condom off it; so we giggled nervously. But I was mortified, even though I was strongly aroused. The tip of my penis was already heavily lubricated.
Shae continued, replacing the hat on the tip, pinching the little bubble bit, and then unrolling and sliding it down the full length of my shaft. I remember thinking I would come right then in the condom because of her hands. But I didn’t. I also remember thinking how easy it looked and how stupid I was for not knowing what to do.
I then remember moving across her and her lying back down beneath me, biting her lip again. I moved forward with my mouth and teased her teeth from her lip with my tongue. Whilst this was happening, the two of us began moving closer towards a dance that would stir our bodies to a mutual love and a place of no return.
Kissing her softly, deeply and possessively; I held and positioned my penis till it was teasing the entrance to her body that my fingers had now become familiar with. She wrapped her legs around my hips, and the momentary pressure she placed there saw me dip the tip of my penis inside of her, till I felt that resistance. Rather than freeze, she began to kiss me more insistently, and so I began to pushed inside of her, past the barrier of her virginity, till I was half way inside her and she gasped for me to momentarily stop.
“Sorry.”
“No, just wait a minute. It hurts. It’s supposed to hurt the first time.” she explained softly.
And so I waited till she relaxed and looked me in the eyes and whispered, “Okay.”
I slowly pushed forward again, till I felt my hips push into the soft flesh of her raised thighs. She gasped, and once again I stilled.
After a short delay she kissed me, and then we began to kiss deeper still, although sweetly.
I remember feeling an intense rolling wave of love sweep across my body; up from my groin and through my chest, like a flooding of warmth, a fluttering of butterflies; a little like the onslaught of an anxiety attack but not, because it was wonderful.
I slowly began to move instinctually within her, and she moaned. I was frightened of hurting her, so I tried to pull my face up, but she held me tightly to her and I gained the courage to continue beyond any pain, to the place where we both wanted to be… pleasure.
Again I was moving, and at the same time I was battling the urge to speed up and thrust hard within her. If it wasn’t for my training in discipline, I would’ve just gone with those feelings. But I didn’t. I continued slowly; measurably pushing inside of her and then pulling back out; before repeating. Her moans were growing in intensity and I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep the movements up for much longer – that I wouldn’t be able to give her another climax, because my body had a mind of its own and it was about to peak, regardless of the speed I was executing. I began keening, groaning and feeling as though my penis would erupt in a greater wave and spasm than I had ever managed to generate myself.
It did, and when it did, I wasn’t able to keep the noise inside of me; instead it too erupted, all around us. A guttural roar that powerfully tore through us both, declaring to her that I was hers… completely and utterly. I’d given her my heart.
I open my eyes and realize that it is of course a memory; and that my hand on my cock has just managed to bring me to a self-generated climax all over my stomach and a little on the sheets.
All from the memory that now tears a hole through what’s left of my shattered heart and makes me sick to my stomach, knowing I will never have her again.
I cry out in the darkness, a bleak and forlorn sound that echoes back to me with disgust.
I want to die.
I want to die.
I want to die.
I tear the sheet from the bed.
I look for an anchor point. There is nothing. But I’m inventive. So I tie the edge of the sheet to my ankle. And then I place the opposite corner around my neck, curl up in a fetal position and begin to focus on the pain that is ripping through me right now. It feeds my desperation. I begin to loop the sheet around my neck. Loop, after loop, after loop.
Then I push my legs out and push my torso back. Constricting my throat till I can’t breathe and I can feel panic overtake me. I’m stronger than that though, I push through the fear and begin to lose myself to the darkness.
***
Timing. I’ve always been pretty bad at my timing when it comes to attempting suicide. I can’t figure out why that’s the case; but now I’m in observation; with some pretty red marks on my neck and a cough that seems intent on mocking me every time it sounds it’s barking cry.
You failed.
You failed.
You failed.
I have nothing but time now; nothing but time and regulation. I’m a total failure and a fuckup.
I feel disgusted in myself for trying to opt out of life, and I feel disgusted in myself for not succeeding. I feel dirty and embarrassed that I was found by a female staff member with cum all over me and the sheets, naked and trussed up in a position to asphyxiate me. I’ve been asked a couple times if I was engaging in erotic asphyxiation, and I’m not sure they believe me that I’m not into that.
I finally bust a blood vessel explaining to the psychiatrist that I wasn’t trying to get off; I was trying to opt out. I explain that I was thinking about a past memory and jerked off to it and then felt the need to die, so I did the only thing I could think of at the time. He’s nodding.
“Fucking just fix me already.” I scream at him.
“It’s not like that. We need to work on you as a whole. You’ve had a lot of pain and stress in the past few weeks, and nothing drug related can prevent real life from happening. You’re going through grief, and because of that, we need to monitor you. Most people can deal with grief, because they don’t have the dysfunctional nature that is bipolar. However, when you do have bipolar and have to deal with loss and grief, you’re already at a disadvantage. We need to get you past all of that, and then we’ll be able to get you back on track.” he finishes
his monologue.
“Whatever.” I say with disgust.
***
“How did you deal with me Jade? How did you get through all of those years and continue to love me?”
“I was dysfunctional too. We worked well together.” she reasons.
“But you never gave up. Not when I told you about slicing and dicing people, not when I rampaged through the house and broke stuff; not even when I told you how much I hated you. Why are you still here?” I query.
“Because I’m wrapped around that little finger of yours, Silas. I’ve loved you since you were born. I wanted everyone to think you were mine, that you were my child. I thought you were beautiful.” she smiles, adjusting her ass on the chair, trying to heft her burden to a more comfortable position. “I can’t give up on someone I’ve loved forever.”
I’m smiling. Shit, I’m smiling.
“You’re smiling. Your face is going to break now.” Jade says, mocking me.
“Fuck off.”
“No really, I can see a huge crack. Damn, don’t move Silas, I’ll go and get some help. I think your whole visage is about to slide clear off. I need a suture pack and some staples to secure your face to your head.” she states, getting up and ambling over to me in mock distress.
“Shut the fuck up.” I laugh.
“Help.” she begins to shout, but not so loudly either. “Silas is laughing; his face is falling off and he’s going to need surgical assistance sewing him back together.”
“Jade, stop being such a moron.” I continue laughing.
A nurse pops her head in and offers a huge grin, before backing away from us.
“You’re going to get us into trouble.” I try to reason.
“So stop behaving like a jolly lunatic.”
“Get off me woman.” I scream at her as she sits on me, in my chair.
“I can’t. I need to fart.”
“What the fuck? Get off. Get the fuck off of me now.” I squeal, trying to lift her without hurting her.
She farts, “Okay. I feel better now anyway.”
“Jesus Christ Jade, what did you have for lunch? Now Get. The. Fuck. Off. Me.” I gag, yuck. So, so gross.
She stands up, fluffing her dress out to cut the tail off the smell. It makes the smell waft clear up my nose. I slam my hand into my nose. She has a genuine mean streak.
“You’re disgusting. I hope you didn’t follow through with that one.”
“As if I would. I’m a lady.”
“Um, yeah… right. I’m telling Ben that you farted.”
“I heard you already.” Ben says, coming through the door. “Everyone along the corridor heard.”
“I don’t fart.” Jade says without guile.
“Ah, you do.” Ben reasons, coming over and giving her a peck on the lips and then over to me for a hand shake and half hug. He curls his lip and scrunches his nose up in disgust at the smell Jade just released.
“That was Silas.” Jade states.
“Nope, that’s you. That’s definitely your brand.” Ben argues.
“I do not have a brand.” Jade looks shocked.
“You do so. You fart in your sleep. Unfortunately I share a bed with you.” Ben points out. I’m so glad that I don’t have a farting woman in bed with me.
“I’m pregnant. It’s your fault I’m pregnant, and I can’t be held responsible for your son making my body release gas when I’m asleep.” she pouts.
“It’s both of our faults, he’s your son too; and you can’t help it, but you can claim responsibility for it.” Ben points out.
“You are such an asshole.” Jade laments.
“Lucky for me, you like assholes.” Ben laughs, settling into a chair.
“What’s happening Ben?” I ask.
“Before I tell you my news, the nurse down the corridor tells me that you’ve been smiling. Apparently that’s illegal currency around here. It might get you kicked out faster.”
I feel my face break into another smile, it’s unavoidable now that I’ve already done it once… make that repeatedly now.
“Damn. It’s so good to have you back.” Ben says, leaning in for another half hug and clapping me heartily on the back.
“What’s your news?” I ask.
“I have a placement for you in a private facility in San Luis Obispo. We’re selling the house here in LA and we’ll organize accommodation up there when you’re there and are able to move out of the private facility. It will be a whole new life Silas.” He reasons intently.
Again I smile.
“Wow Ben, they came through?” Jade asks.
“Yeah, they have a placement available September 2nd, in their mentored transitional program for rehabilitation.” He smiles.
“That’s just under a month away.” Jade enthuses.
Jade’s due to deliver any day now. I’ve been anxious about the possibilities of her going into labor in front of me here at Gateways. I’m fairly sure mental health nurses don’t deliver babies.
“Great. Actually, yeah; that does sound good.” I say reflectively.
I could use a new life and surrounds.
Chapter 4: Transition
Silas.
“So they’re going to let you drive me to a facility hours away with a baby in the back; seated next to me.” I reason to Ben, as he gathers up the meager amount of stuff I have with me at Gateways.
“Yes.”
“And Jade is waiting in the car.” I query.
“Yes.”
“And she’s not chucking a spaz waiting for us to get our asses down there.”
“I have no idea, I turned my phone off 20 minutes ago after she texted me three times in ten minutes.” He chuckles.
“And tell me again why you love that woman?”
“I can’t tell you everything, but rest assure she keeps things interesting, very interesting.” he smirks.
“How’s being a Dad?”
“Good.”
“Just good?” I ask a little confused. I would’ve thought Ben would have something incredible to say.
“When she lets me near the little fella, it’s awesome. Unfortunately, she’s all territorial and doesn’t like to share very often. So yeah, it’s good.” Ben explains.
“So I won’t get to have a cuddle?” I ask.
He huffs.
“She’s that bad?” I ask incredulously.
He nods raising his eyebrows for added effect.
“Well, you need to get in there Ben, use your elbows or something. Make her back off.”
“Uhuh.” he huffs again, noncommittally. “I’d have more chance with a ravenous bear fresh out of hibernation.”
I give him a quizzical look before moving on.
“So, can I call him Benji?” I tease.
“Can I punch you in the face?”
“Oh, come on. You really want me calling him junior?” I ask.
“You call him junior, and I’ll knee you in the nuts.”
I give him an incredulous look.
“Wow man, parenthood has really refined your skills of being an asshole.” I argue; walking into the sunshine and out of the main doors for the first time in months.
“You can call him Ben.” Ben states.
“That’s going to get confusing.” I explain.
“He’ll get used to it. I did.” Ben reasons.
I chuckle. I have no intention of rocking the boat too much. But I have already decided to call him Reynolds around Jade. I just can’t help myself. I’m in a good mood. I’m leaving LA and moving on to a new life. I’m off to San Luis Obispo – a beautiful area, and entering into a program to ease me back into the world. And despite the fact that I’ll be doing it alone, and I’ve had no contact from Shae this whole time, I’m feeling positive, really positive.
I’m walking alongside Ben, towards a nondescript silver four door sedan. As I get closer I see a frantic Jade jump out of the back seat and stomp forward.
“She’s all yours. I’m getting in
the car to talk to the little guy.” I explain, quickly removing myself from the ensuing battle.
I haven’t met little Ben yet because he wasn’t allowed into the acute setting mental health unit.
I ignore the two of them ‘discussing’ their issues, and set about talking to Ben.
“Hey there little guy.” I soothe, settling in and pulling the door closed behind me. He’s two weeks old now, and he’s awake. Pumping his little fists and punching himself in the eye. He’s so cute he makes me feel this groundswell of hope and love. He’s so tiny too. I’ve never seen something so beautiful and tiny like this. I’m enamored by him.
Fuck it, I’m getting him out of this contraption.
It’s a bit of a mission getting the straps unhooked around his little arms, and lifting him from the basket styled holder; all the while supporting his head, but I manage. Meanwhile Ben is smirking at me, because he’s seen me interfere with his kid and probably considers I’m in for an extreme reaction from Jade. But Jade has yet to see me, so I plow on through.
I realize he smells a little, but I don’t care, I just pull him tight to my chest and cling to his little body while we sit in the air-conditioning. He’s kind of my flesh and blood. I’ve wanted to meet him for so long now and I think I’m very much in love with him already. I can feel him, so helpless lying against my chest. He’s beautiful.
Jade swings herself around and marches back to the car completely oblivious to me and little Ben sitting in the back. Ben goes to the boot and dumps my bag in it.
He then hops into the driver’s seat.
“Ben, this Toyota’s a bit of a step down for you; it screams family.” I tell him.
“It’s a hybrid car.” Jade huffs at me.
“Well Reynolds and I both think it’s a pussy’s car.” I chuckle. I got it out there and it’s only been a couple of seconds. I swear I really miss annoying Jade and I’m going to really enjoy resuming this part of our relationship.
“Who are you calling Reynolds?” Jade turns and stares at me. And then she gasps like she’s just seen a huge accident on the highway and several dead people are lying strewn across the road.