by Criss Copp
“Bend the rules Silas.” She groans. She’s always telling me to do this. “Think boy. I’m still going to be around, and I’m an old bird. I’m more than likely going to give you advice regardless of whether you want it not.” She smiles.
The house looks like just that – a large house; a large ranch house.
Isi’s room is a shared situation; I’ve carried her inside and placed her on the bed.
I can hear Dr. Jensen talking to the other woman at the doorway.
“He’s her fiancé.”
“Can he fill out some of the paperwork then?”
“Can he take it home with him? I gather he’ll need to grab her paperwork together in order to fill it all out effectively. I don’t know all the numbers of my veteran portfolio.”
“That’s right; you served in Vietnam didn’t you darling.”
Dr. Jensen chuckles; it’s a painful, sarcastic chuckle with no warmth. I didn’t know there were women in the Military back then, but I guess Vietnam was no picnic either.
“Sure, I’ll give him the paperwork and then if he can bring it back in the morning, we’ll be on easy street.”
“Thanks Paula. You know the drill. I’m not her doctor though; she’s my friend, so I don’t want to hear from you regarding her personal information and, well, you know the way things work. I don’t need to tell you your job.”
“I do.”
“Silas, you’ll need to say goodbye because it’s important Paula starts settling Isobelle in.”
I don’t want to go; I’m lying in close proximity to her and holding her. It feels right, comfortable and where I should be.
“How long till she can come home?”
“Four weeks. Now come on.”
I sigh. I get up and lean across her. I kiss her lips softly and whisper in her ear that I’ll return tomorrow.
Back in the car, I turn to the lying Dr. Jensen.
“Why did you tell her that I was Isi’s fiancé?”
“So you could come and see her.”
“Oh, I wouldn’t be able to do that if I was her boyfriend?”
“No. And it’s only because I know them that they’ll bend the rules this time too. You’re meant to be family.”
“You swear, you bend and break rules, you’re a kick-ass ex-Army chick – is there something I’m forgetting?”
“I lie to get my way.”
“Oh yeah. You lie too.” I confirm. “Are you really a qualified psychiatrist?”
“Yes. And I was a nurse in the Army back then, not an infantry soldier. Women weren’t allowed to be soldiers.” she sneers.
“Why are you doing this for me?”
“Because I like you.”
“You like me?” I query.
“Look, Silas. I see some seriously fucked up people and things in this job. In fact, I’ve seen and experienced some seriously fucked up shit in my life. Anyone that’s unfortunate enough to be given a shitty and volatile life to navigate; and then battle through it and not end up an asshole deserves to have my respect.”
“Wow. I think you’ve just made me feel hopeful. Maybe my life isn’t completely screwed.”
“There’s always hope Silas. Never forget that.”
Chapter 8: Dating delays
Isi.
When I woke up that first day, I remembered everything. Oh, I remembered and I felt intensely embarrassed at my recklessness.
I learned a lot that day; like that Silas was apparently my fiancé; that he surreptitiously broke into my parents’ house (using my keys) with Hank and found all of my files. That they then grabbed as much of my stuff as they could pile into my car and drove it back to their unit and stuffed it underneath their beds and in their cupboards, before going back for a second load.
I also found out that Silas had done a stellar job of filling out my paperwork and getting it back to my resident counselor, Paula; before she got raked over the coals by her superior.
I’m currently participating in an intense group therapy course of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, CBT for short. I had my first therapy session that morning. The purpose of the therapy is recognizing situations that bring on my anxiety, acknowledge how they make me feel and use learned skills to calm my body’s responses and move past the heightened anxiety caused by the confrontation.
I decided I needed the therapy, but I recognized it’ll take a long time to get through my back catalogue of pain. I kept thinking throughout the session that I would do this better if I had Silas with me, to support me; but that would be unfair. I knew it was my attraction to him encouraging my need.
When Silas returned that first afternoon when I had some free time, he took me for a walk along a trail we were told had a particularly good scenic walk; and when we reached the end, he sat down on a rock and pulled me into his lap; where we watched the beautiful vista.
“I really, really like you Isi. And I’d like to start dating you.” he said, nuzzling his face into my hair.
“Dating?” I asked.
He pulled back and looked at me.
“Yes, dating. You know, go and see a movie, have a meal together, walk through the park holding hands, make out in isolated places in the back of your car?” he smirked.
“I’m too old for you.” I replied, despite my heart telling my brain and mouth to shut up.
“I think you look pretty good for a 40 year old. I could definitely catch onto the cougar obsession.”
“That’s not fair. I’m not firing on all cylinders at the moment.” I smirked, he knew how old I am, he was just trying to get a rise out of me, but I felt flat.
“Look… I’m very attracted to you, I think your funny, I understand you, I don’t give a shit about your age, I’m definitely over my ex and ready to move on and I want to be around you nearly every hour of the day.” he explained.
“That’s weird.”
“Why?” he asked, pulling me tighter into him.
“Because I could say the same about you.” I said.
He turned my face towards him and I thought he might kiss me, but he remained still – looking calculatingly into my eyes, as if he could see whether or not I told the truth. And maybe he could, because he began to smile a beaming grin that made him look like a naughty angel. He still maintained a discrete distance; letting me know he was giving me time to get past my breakdown the previous day.
“So, let’s take this slowly. We’ve both got a whole lot of shit to get through, and when we’re done we can get to all the other more emotional stuff.” he offered.
“Okay.”
“Okay?”
“Yeah, let’s date.” I chuckled.
“Can we make out now?” He jokingly said.
“I feel flat.” I explained looking down at my shoes, barely touching the ground.
“Well, we’ll just cuddle instead and watch the world go by.” he reasoned.
“Silas?”
“Yeah?”
“I really like you too.” I said, looking out at the world.
“I know.”
“Silas?”
“Yeah?”
“You’re a cocky bastard.”
“Yeah, I know that too.” he chuckled pulling me into a tight embrace.
***
“What the fuck do you mean he’s in county?” I ask Hank down the phone line.
“He got into your car, started it, and then two cop cars stopped; and then I suppose they arrested him. I only saw it from the doorway. When I got over there, I wasn’t allowed to talk to him, and they said he was being taken in to be processed for driving without a license.”
“Shit, shit, fucking shit.”
This would’ve been the last time he drove my car anyway, since he was going to leave it here for me after getting here. Not that I had thought the whole thing was a good idea to begin with.
I’ve been here a week, and he’s been driving back and forth in order to spend time with me. We’ve been walking out on the trails, taking a picnic blanket and laying next to eac
h other to watch the clouds and talk while relaxing in the sun. We’ve become closer and closer, just spending time with each other while I recover from my initial breakdown. Apart from that we’ve been known to hold hands and cuddle, and he sometimes sneaks in a quick peck on the lips or nuzzles my neck and hair. It’s like an innocent, sweet love affair.
Today was to be our official first date; and now it’s totally and utterly thwarted.
“Do you know if his family knows about this?”
“No, I haven’t told them, I don’t even know who they are. He may have phoned them though.”
“Is my car still there?”
“Yeah, I’ve got the keys.”
“Can you come and get me? Do you have your license?”
“Yeah, Okay.”
I give him the details of how to find me, and then I’m at the front door with all my things, waiting for Hank to show up. He’ll be a while yet, but I’m buzzing to get going.
My phone is ringing.
“Hello?”
“Isi, I’m in lockup.”
“I know, Hank just called me.”
“They’re going to charge me with driving without a license.”
“I know. Did you actually pull the car forward though? Was it even in gear?” I ask, a sudden thought coming to me.
“No. They were on me fairly quickly. But I managed to switch the engine off the moment I saw their lights flashing.” He explains.
“Okay, are you okay?”
“Yeah.”
I’m not feeling flat anymore, that’s for certain. I feel all fired up. I’m worried about this bullshit, but I’ve got a few ideas about it all.
“How long till they process you?”
“I don’t know, not long I guess, I’m kind of going through it all now. They’re letting me call you early because of my mental illness.”
“Have you made a statement?”
“I’m not required to.”
“Okay; have you called your family?”
“Not yet, I still haven’t seen them since I’ve been out and in the units.” He grumbles.
“You haven’t seen them?” I gasp.
I knew he was spending lots of time with me and going to the gym and stuff; but I thought he may have organized something with them and failed to mention it.
“No, I wanted more time with you before they started crowding me.”
“Shit Silas. You need to call them. Do you want me to post bail?”
“No, you’re right, I’ll call them. I don’t want you spending money on me.”
“I don’t care about money Silas. I care about you.” I explain.
“You care about me?”
“This is not the time to get mushy.” I sigh.
“I don’t care about mushy, I just heard you honestly say you care about me. That’s cause for some God damn celebration.” he laughs.
“Silas, focus. Do you want me to come down there and wait for you to be processed and then post bail?”
“No, I want you to talk to Dr. Jensen and ask her how I can leave the program. I need to get home and start doing things my own way. And I need to be free to ride my God damn bike and come and see you whenever the fuck I want to.” he argues.
“Okay. I’ll go and see her.”
“Okay, good. I’ll phone Jade and get her or Ben to come and bail me out.”
“Don’t tell the cops anything. We’ll fight the charge.”
“Damn right we’ll fight the charge. I didn’t even drive the fucking car this time. I may have been just starting it for Hank for all they know.” he growls.
“Good one. That’s actually a really good idea. I’ll talk to Hank about it.”
“You’d ask him to lie for me?”
“I’d lie for you.”
“Shit Isi, you just keep digging and digging yourself in through my barriers and making me like you more and more.” He chuckles.
Funny, you do that too… from the very first moment.
“Does it make you uncomfortable?” I ask softly, unsurely.
“No, it makes me feel something else entirely, but it is way too early for me to even say it.”
“Damn.” I whisper out in shock. He’s indicating that he likes me more than just like. He’s maybe saying that he loves me, but without quite saying it.
“Yeah.” He says and then clears his throat.
“Okay, I’ll go and see Dr. Jensen. Then I’ll wait for you to call.”
“I’ll call you, don’t worry.”
“I’ll try not to; I just think this is all a bit weird. I mean, the residential units are essentially on private property, but with a public access road. I’d be interested in what a lawyer has to say about all of this.”
“Me too.” he says. “I’ve got to go now. They’re winding me up. I’ll catch you later on today.”
“Okay, I’ll see you later then.”
“You will.”
Silas.
“What the fuck are you playing at Tayte?” Ben growls at me as we leave county.
“I was going to go and see my girlfriend. Hank was going to drive me; it’s all just fucked up.”
He’s stopped dead in his tracks. He stares at me, really stares at me.
I’m kind of internally staring at myself right now. I just called Isi my girlfriend. It’s a pivotal moment. It’s been hinted at, but not set in concrete. As far as I’m concerned it feels right though. She’s certainly no longer just my friend. I’m way too attached to her for just friends.
“What?” I risk saying.
Ben just continues to stare at me, and he picks up the second helmet and tosses it to me.
“We are so talking about everything when we get home.” Ben demands.
“Fair enough.” I lightly throw back at him before placing the helmet on, which is in fact mine. I think of what I’ll need to tell Isi when I call her after I get through all this bullshit.
Ben rides like a demon possessed through the streets of SLO on his Ducati 1198SP, despite having me pillion.
He rides up to the house he shares with my sister and their son; elbowing me in the ribs to jump off, which I do.
I’m taking my helmet off.
“In the house now Silas. Your sister is freaking the fuck out.” Ben growls.
“Happy reunions.” I grumble.
“It could’ve been if the first thing we heard from you about wanting to see us again didn’t begin with the sentence I’m in jail, can you come and bail me out?” Ben argues.
I walk into the house and Jade’s on top of me immediately.
“What the hell have you done Silas?” She says frantically, pulling me in for a bone crushing hug.
“I got arrested and charged with driving without a license.”
“Whose car were you driving?” she asks me, pulling back and giving me her big puppy dog eyes. I guess my eyes can do this too. It makes you want to spill your guts and tell her everything. She should work for the CIA or something. She’d get results.
“Isobelle’s.”
“Who’s Isobelle?”
“My girlfriend.” I groan. Here we go.
“You have a girlfriend?”
“Yes, kind of. We haven’t discussed labels yet.” I answer.
“Does she know you don’t have a valid car license?”
“Yes.”
“And she let you drive?”
“No.”
“So you were stealing her car?” Jade narrows her eyes.
“No, she needed her car, and I was starting it for Hank, who was going to drive it over to her. He was getting ready inside at the time.” I begin to lie. I really don’t need Jade to blame Isi for this, which she will, because she always sticks up for me in my defense.
“That’s stupid, is it an old car?” she asks.
“No, it’s the latest model Lexus.”
Her eyes open really wide.
“You don’t need to warm new cars up Silas. What were you really doing?” she growls.
I’m sticking to this story, but I need to embellish a little.
“The truth is I was going to back it up to the unit. But I didn’t get that far, I only got to start it. I had no intention of driving it on the road.” I explain, or lie as the case may be.
“Ben, if he wasn’t actually driving it, how can they charge him with driving it?”
“I don’t know. I’ll call my lawyer.” He says, turning to leave the room.
“Tell him I called the cop a cunt too, it’s the reason they decided to arrest me I think.” I grumble.
“SILAS.” Jade shouts in shock.
“Well that will bloody well do it.” Ben agrees. “Did you get charged with contempt?”
“No, they didn’t charge me with that. Besides, he was being one, and I didn’t get physical or anything. I just said that the whole thing was bullshit and when the police officer said I was behaving like an irresponsible fucking teenager, I told him he was behaving like a motherfucking cunt.” I explain.
Jade is wide eyed and staring at me, her hand is over her mouth and her head is shaking back and forth.
“How do you know they won’t slap a charge on you for verbally abusing them?” Ben asks.
“An inmate told me they would’ve done it already; and they didn’t. The officer was an asshole in any case.” I shrug.
“Alright, I’ll go and make a call.” Ben states grumpily and leaves the room.
Jade is still staring at me.
“What?”
“Is this what that girl is like? Did you behave like this because of her influence?” She asks.
“Jade, I have always been like this. Do you even know me?” I argue.
“I, yes. You have always been like this.” She agrees, nodding. Then she looks at me.
Shit, the look screams ‘interrogation in process’.
“Who is this Isobelle girl?” She begins. We’re about to start with the rapid fire questions that may or may not satisfy Jade’s curiosity to know everything. I know I’m going to lie, so I quickly think of plausible but simple lies that I won’t forget later.
“She’s a girl I’m dating.”
“What about Shae?”
“What about her. She left me four and a half months ago.”
“And you’re over her?”