by Beth Martin
“Shit,” I muttered. I tucked my novel back in the chest under my cot before getting up to follow Cory.
I was used to spending a good amount of time in the medical wing, but had never been summoned there before. We made our way down the hall to the medical room, and as soon as I went in, Cory excused himself and left.
“Hey, Doc,” I said. Dr. Whipple and Ford were the only individuals on Paradido who were older than me. Doc’s head was packed with white curls, which looked hilarious at zero gravity, and he had the light, watery eyes that came with age.
“Hello, Jake. Please, take a seat.”
I grabbed the side of the cot and pulled myself down to sit on it.
“Commander Ford is concerned about you, Jake. We all are.”
“You’re just worried about the damn ship.”
“No, I’m trying to look out for you and your health. These events aren’t good for you.”
“I’m doing fine, Doc. Really.” The episodes were inconvenient, but it wasn’t like they could kill me.
Dr. Whipple set down his clipboard and stared at me. “Each one has been worse than the one before. After the asteroid, you were out for over seven hours. I’m worried that the next one could kill you.”
I didn’t believe it. I couldn’t. They were just migraines followed by passing out. No one had ever died from a simple headache. I think. “Even if they could, what am I supposed to do about it?”
“I’ve thought about that and have come up with two options. The frequent episodes mean you’ve developed a tolerance to Xanestam. Either we double-up your dose to two pills a day, or I sedate you for the rest of the flight.”
I took in a sharp breath. “Won’t I have more side-effects if I take more?”
“It’s likely. But this is really your best option. Sedating you now would only give the other crew members more work in your absence. And in all likelihood, the doctors on Zeta would recommend upping the dose of your regular medication as well.”
I didn’t like either option. “These episodes are a side-effect from Xanestam, right? Taking more will only make it worse.”
He shook his head. “No, it helps regulate your core temperature and blood flow, making it excellent at suppressing seizures and migraines. It you refuse to take two each day, I will be forced to tranquilize you. I wish there was some other way.”
“Me too.” My mental acuity was already greatly impacted by those damn little pills. I could only imagine what taking more would do to my brain. Even though my job was easy by any metric, would I still be able to do it?
“You can choose the second option and wait until we arrive at Zeta; one of the doctors there may be able to help you find the most appropriate dose.”
“No,” I said, not even thinking about it. “No, I can keep going. I’ll take two a day.”
Doc nodded. “Good. Good. I’ll keep a close eye on you, keep track of how you’re doing. Now, if you have another episode this flight despite increasing your dose, we’ll have to move to the other treatment.”
I pushed away from the cot a little. “Is that all?”
“Yes. That’s all for now.”
I left the medical room feeling defeated. Not only had my affliction cost me the chance of ever becoming a pilot, but now the treatment for it could very likely make me unable to hold any occupation at all, even janitor.
That’s why you should just stop taking the pills all together.
I’d give the heftier dose a shot. When I got back to my cabin, I pulled the small tin of pills from under the padding on my cot. I opened it and pulled out two, shoving them in my mouth and swallowing before I could stop and doubt myself. No matter how I looked at it, my life was essentially over.
•••
After ten agonizing days, I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to know what the consequences would be for stealing another student’s exam pad during the prelims. Even though it was still the first quarter break, and I wasn’t required to wear a uniform outside of class, I put it on. I hoped that my official dress would somehow help my case.
All of the academy administrators and professors were gone over break. All of them expect Dr. Pierce. I took a deep breath and glanced one more time at my reflection. I looked like I belonged here.
I left my dorm and made my way to the offices. It was still early, and Trappist barely peeked over the horizon. What if Dr. Pierce wasn’t in his office? I could just wait outside for him to come in. But then I would look desperate. I closed my eyes for a moment, trying to calm down. Worrying about each possible scenario right now wouldn’t help.
The offices were in the nicest-looking building on campus. Powerful panels displayed a hologram which encompassed the entire building. One day it would look Roman with large columns lining the front, then the next it would be something else entirely. I only recognized a handful of the structure skins. Some were from The First Planet: A History, a text I had read from the library. I would never figure out what the rest were.
Dr. Pierce was already in his office, tinkering with a virtual star map. I stood in the doorway and waited for him to notice me. When he didn’t, I cleared my throat to try and get his attention. His ear was glowing green, so he should have been able to hear me.
“Um, excuse me?” I said.
Dr. Pierce turned to me and made a little nod. “Mr. Metcalf. Seems I can only get my research done when there are no pupils on campus. What brings you here?”
I hadn’t thought that I would be interrupting him. This conversation already wasn’t going well. “I wanted to apologize about the prelim exams.”
Dr. Pierce turned back to his map. “Apology accepted.” He moved around the stars like he was looking for something hidden amongst them. After a minute, he glanced back up at me. “You can leave now.”
I stood my ground, even though every fiber of my body wanted to leave his office. “I was wondering what the consequences would be…”
“You got kicked out of the exam room. If it makes you feel better, that actually happens all the time. You don’t need to make a big deal of it.”
“But,” I said. He would never overlook such an indisputable case of cheating.
“It’s too bad you left early. You had an excellent start on the navigation portion. I have a special project I’m working on and could use the assistance of a few good students. If you’re interested, I can add you to the team.”
At first, I had thought I was going to get expelled, but now Dr. Pierce was asking me to work with him on a special project. He had taken notice of my pad, but what about the one for the pale woman? Part of me wanted to explicitly ask, but I decided to leave it alone. “That would be great. Thank you.”
“I’ll give you details at the start of next quarter. Now go enjoy your break.”
“Yes, I will. Thank you.” I turned and left his office, then walked over to the library in a daze. I was fine. Nothing bad had happened. All of that worrying had been for nothing.
Yet I couldn’t get it out of my head. How had she done so well? What had happened to her pad? Who was she? Once I got to my usual study table in the library, all the burning questions in my head came to a boil. I needed answers.
There was a school directory which included all the students and staff. Theta academy was pretty small, so I could go through all of the individual records until I found her. Then I’d have her name and would be able to do even more in-depth research.
I took a seat at the back of the library even though there were no other students there to snoop on me. I picked a table that had a panel mounted on the surface. It powered on and displayed a hologram of the library building with a prompt: “What would you like to learn today?”
“Student directory.” The hologram grew and gave the illusion that the viewer was rushing through the front door to reveal a line of students. “Browse.” I looked at the hologram of the first student. Not him. I swiped my hand to push him away and bring up the next one.
Slowly, I made my way t
hrough all of the students. There was only one person with white-colored hair: a man named Nicolas with blotchy red skin. She could have been one of the staff, especially considering she already seemed to know everything they taught at the academy. I pulled up the directory of staff, and when that came up with nothing, I checked the faculty.
She wasn’t in any list of people affiliated with the academy. After exhausting several years of alumni, I started a search of local residents in Theta who lived near the academy or were the same age as a student. I spent hours and hours looking at face after face, person after person. She didn’t exist on any list. Perhaps she didn’t exist at all.
When I woke up, I didn’t feel rested at all. The only thing I wanted to do was to go back to sleep.
It’s hard to describe how I felt. Thoughts came slowly. It took me a while to recall that I was on Paradido and had to work. I had to concentrate just to get through my normal routine: get up, washed, and dressed.
I stumbled through each step. I tried to climb out of my cot without unstrapping myself first. While showering, I somehow got water all over my undershirt and shorts. When I tried to put on my coveralls, I had trouble putting both arms in the correct sleeves, and the buttons eluded me.
Somehow, it had taken me well over an hour to get ready. It wasn’t the worst thing that could happen; the ship would still get cleaned. I navigated through the hall, going slower than normal since I was having a much harder time avoiding colliding with the walls.
Adam was using the cook-top in the mess hall, probably making another one of his unique concoctions. “Hey, Metcalf. How’s it flying?”
“I’m…” I had to think about it for a moment, “fine. Just foggy this morning.”
Adam laughed. “Morning? That’s a good one.”
“Huh?” I checked my watch. Nine a.m. was definitely morning.
“Damn, man, you really need to get with the program. You’re the only person I’ve ever met who uses universal time. You want some Chef Adam surprise?”
“Sure.” I looked at my watch again. How did I convert the time displayed to local time?
“Alright, that’s the spirit.” Adam proceeded to spoon the porridge-like substance he was making into a ration bag, sealed it, and tossed the glop at me. It bounced against my chest before my hands could grasp it. I chewed off the seal from the straw and took a gulp of Adam’s mystery ration.
“Can you guess the secret ingredient?” he asked.
It tasted like nothing. It was like eating warm water with the consistency of overcooked porridge. “Oatmeal?”
Adam raised his brows and placed a fist at his waist. “Oatmeal? Come on, man, you know I wouldn’t use something as basic as oatmeal. Guess again.”
I took another swallow of the sludge. I couldn’t detect any flavor at all. “I don’t know.”
“Shit, Metcalf. It’s got Beta crabs and cinnamon.” Beta crabs were from the planet Beta, the one closest to the Trappist star. Normally, they tasted like rotting sea plants. Adam was the only person that seemed to enjoy their flavor. I ate some more, but I couldn’t detect the slightest hint of either ingredient.
“It’s not my favorite,” I said.
“That’s cool. Means more for me.”
I tossed the ration bag back to Adam before leaving to get to work.
•••
The rest of the break went by in a daze. I didn’t know whether I should question my own sanity, or if the mysterious pale woman was hiding something. I spent all of my time in my dorm, at the library, or grabbing food at the deli in the student center. My new routine was nice and comfortable, and I was sad to break it on the first day of class for second quarter.
Dressed and ready for class, I grabbed my bag and opened the door to my dorm ready to leave. The pale woman was waiting just outside in the hall.
“What… what are you doing here?” I asked.
“I’m a student here. I thought I’d walk with you to class.”
“You can’t be here. This is a men’s dorm.”
She looked to the side. “No one cares if a female comes in. I’m not going to hurt anyone.”
I stepped out of my room and walked with her out the building. “You’re not a student here.”
She gave me a smirk and giggled. “Of course I’m a student here.”
“I checked the student directory. You weren’t in there.”
“You can’t do a search for me without knowing my name.”
I stopped walking and turned to face her. She stopped as well. “I didn’t do a search. I looked at the faces of every single person going to Theta Academy.”
We stood there in silence for a while as she bit her lip and looked away. “I guess there’s no reason to be coy any longer. My name’s Lola.”
“Jake,” I said, holding out a hand. I grasped her delicate fingers, but as my skin touched against hers, she melted away into a mist. I looked around, trying to figure out what just happened. She was no longer standing in front of me, and I was just holding out my fist.
“The pleasure’s mine,” her voice said from within my head.
•••
Getting through my work duties was just as difficult as tackling my waking routine. I kept forgetting things, and even the simplest tasks took me longer than they should have. As my shift wore on, I grew angrier and angrier about the side-effects of those damned pills. Wasn’t it supposed to take at least a little time for the medicine to build up in my system? This was like slamming into a warp ship’s hull. Would the effects continue to get worse as time wore on?
By the time I finished all of my duties, I was exhausted. I didn’t have the energy to hang out with the rest of the crew. Instead, I went straight back to my cabin. I would just relax and read a book. Maybe a simple novel this time instead of my collection of planetary system histories.
I dug through the chest under my cot to find a nice, light-hearted story. I plucked out one of my all-time favorites. After getting comfortable in my cot, I opened to the first chapter.
I couldn’t read it. The letters appeared to be dancing and spinning around the page. By the time I could identify a single character, the letter next to it zipped away, making it impossible to decipher even a single word. I set the book down and closed my eyes for a moment. I shook my head before opening my eyes and trying to read again. This time the text was stationary, but the characters looked like they came from an archaic language.
Frustrated, I slammed the book closed and threw it at the wall. It bounced back and hit me square in the face. I let out a shout of exasperation before getting out of my cot and leaving the cabin.
Dr. Whipple had cautioned against spending time at the bridge, but at that moment, I really needed the comforting company of the stars. I was able to make it up to the observation deck without getting too close to any of the control panels. Pressing my back against the catwalk, I looked out at the stars. Orion was still straight ahead. I tried to imagine him as an actual person, standing there, wanting to talk to me.
“I feel so numb,” I whispered. I waited for the constellation to respond, but it didn’t. It was just an arrangement of stars. I laughed, realizing the idiocy of trying to talk to Orion. The medication making me feel numb was also preventing imaginary things from talking to me. Of course he wouldn’t talk back.
I laughed until tears started streaming from my eyes, collecting around the bridge of my nose. I smeared them away with the sleeve of my coveralls once I had stopped laughing. The tears kept coming, even though I was no longer feeling amused. I wasn’t a person anymore. The medication had turned me into a meat sack that could barely function. I would lose my job and have to live in the mental health facility on Kappa with all the other crazy people. Even then, I would be force-fed medication for the rest of my life. I would never feel normal again.
Maybe Lola had been right. Her voice in my head was always telling me to stop taking the pills. I could manage one little delusion, especially if I was at peak mental
acuity.
I navigated back to my cabin as quickly as I could, bumping into walls the whole way. Adam was already strapped into his cot, fast asleep. I tried to remain quiet as I pulled the tin out from under my bedding. How could I get rid of them without anyone noticing or without making too much noise?
The calm droning of the air-circulation system gave me an idea. The vents in the air intake panels were far enough apart to fit my meds through. I climbed over our shared desk to the air intake panel above it. A draft blew past me into the large square fitted on the wall. Opening the tin, I grabbed the rest of my pills in my hand and held them up to the vent. Each one flew in with the strong current, making a noisy clattering as they bumped through the air duct.
“Shit,” I whispered. I looked over at Adam. He made a soft grunting sound before his even breathing continued. I checked my hand and made sure all the pills had gone in. It was empty. I’d be okay.
I was proud of my decision. Finally, I got into my cot and strapped myself in. With a smile on my face, I drifted off to sleep. All would be well.
I woke up suddenly, the realities of what I had done slapping me in the face. “Dammit!” I yelled. This was not good. This was very not good.
I removed the straps from my bed as quickly as I could and jumped toward the air intake panel. There was nothing around it, and peering inside, nothing seemed to be lodged inside. “Shit!”
I needed to check the airfilter. If all the pills got pulled into the air vent, the filter in the mechanical room would catch them. I’d never gotten ready faster than I did for that shift. Within a few minutes, I was washed, dressed, and out of my cabin.
“You want some more Chef Adam surprise?” Adam called out from the mess hall.
“No thanks, I’m in a rush. Could you just toss me a ration biscuit?”
Adam shook his head. “No imagination.” He threw me the rock-hard disk of simple nutrition, and I continued my way to the mechanical room at the back of the spaceship.