by Beth Martin
Come to think of it, why did the lab even need a guard? There were only a few people living here. Surely the lock on the door was sufficient. Who were they trying to keep out? I tried to clear my thoughts and get back to the point. “There’s a statue of a woman frozen in the ice which can be seen through the windows of the lab. Except she’s not a statue, she a real woman, and I’m pretty sure she’s alive.”
Lisa’s eyes widened. “You mean, like, cryogenicly frozen?”
“I mean alive. I saw her open her eyes.”
She let out a low whistle. “Jake, are you sure your eyes weren’t just playing a trick on you?”
I hadn’t thought of what I saw being another delusion. She was definitely there, right? Doron could see her too. There was really a woman frozen in the ice, and Lola had led me to this planet. It was too much to be a mere coincidence. Unless the conversation with Doron about the statue had been a hallucination, just like the imaginary blizzard in the quarantined room. “I don’t know,” I said, letting out a shaky breath. “I’ve never had the firmest grasp on reality.”
Lisa gave me a smile, the sweet kind of smile that meant she pitied me. “Don’t worry about it right now. For the time being, you should try to rest. I’ll go make you some tea.”
I watched Lisa as she left the room before curling myself back up in the mass of blankets. I looked down at my hands, wondering if I could trust anything I saw.
Lisa came back in with two mugs of steaming liquid. “Jake? What’s the matter?”
I touched the new scar on my face with my fingertips. It felt wet. Was I bleeding? I looked at my hand and it was wet with tears. I was crying.
“I don’t know what’s real anymore.” The realization hit me like a rogue asteroid. I could feel myself crumbling under the pressure of it.
“Oh my god, Jake,” she said, placing down the mugs before sitting next to me and wrapping her arms around me. “Is there anything I can do?”
I tried to nod my head. “Call my doctor on Kappa. Dr. Ryan.” I knew I’d be committed to his care, but that beat never being able to rely on my senses again.
She nodded and jumped up. “I’ll do that right now.”
•••
I wasn’t able to sleep. Each time I closed my eyes, Lola’s frozen face with her haunting eyes would jolt me back awake. Lisa had insisted that I shouldn’t be alone and was nestled beside me. Not wanting to disturb her, I got out of the bed and slipped on my clothes.
“What are you doing up?” Lisa sat up to look at me.
“I didn’t mean to wake you. I can’t sleep. I keep seeing her face. I need to do something.”
She sighed and laid back down. “You’re not planning on doing anything stupid like going out in the cold by yourself again, are you?”
I leaned over the bed to kiss her briefly on the forehead. “Don’t worry. I’ll be fine.”
She gave a little pout, but didn’t try to stop me from leaving. Once I was out in the hall, I decided to seek out Doron.
I found his spare key and let myself in his apartment. The lights inside were all off, and the door to his bedroom was closed. I debated whether or not to wake him before a heavy fatigue settled over my body. I needed to get some sleep. Instead, I pushed through.
I knocked on his bedroom door and it almost immediately opened. “Jake! I’m glad you made it back. Care for some coffee?”
“Yes, coffee would be great. I’ve had a hell of a day. I don’t know what to believe anymore.”
Doron nodded idly as he went around the apartment turning on lights. He set up the coffee maker to start brewing enough for two. “It’s a lot to take in.”
“I don’t think you understand,” I said. “I’ve struggled with mental illness my entire life. I already have a hard time distinguishing reality from fantasy.”
The coffee maker gave a beep, and he poured two cups of coffee, handing me one. “Well, let’s say everything you’ve experienced is true. What would you do then?”
I thought about it for a moment. The past few weeks I had been seriously entertaining the possibility that Lola was real, but I hadn’t fully embraced it. I took a sip of my hot mug of coffee while I decided whether or not to share my experiences with Doron. I was already on Chi. There was nothing more for me to lose. “That woman frozen in the ice. If she’s really there, I would want to free her.”
He raised his eyebrows and set down his coffee, giving me his full attention. I explained my second venture outside of the building complex and what I had seen.
Doron slapped his hand against the kitchen counter and exclaimed, “I knew it!”
“What do you mean?”
“Originally, all of us scientists thought she was just a statue, but as we continued researching the behavior of the dark matter masses we noticed a pattern. Clusters of dark matter would collect around her, then disperse, like she was drawing them in and sending them away. I bet that’s how you saw her as what you thought were delusions. She was sending you messages using the dark matter.”
“But… how?”
“We’ll just have to find out. I think the best way would be to thaw her out and ask, don’t you?” He got up and set his mug in the kitchen sink and called out, “Put on something warm. We’ve got a body to reanimate.”
I felt a fluttering in my chest. This was it. The definitive answer to what I had been experiencing for the past decade. The final truth of my sanity. I went into the office I had been using as a bedroom and pulled back out my outerwear. Once I had it on, I met Doron in the living room.
“What are you wearing under that?” he asked.
I looked down at my jacket. “Just my normal clothes.”
He walked back to his bedroom. “That won’t do.” He reemerged holding up a shirt and pants which looked like one of the animals farmed on Delta. “This will keep in the heat and help you stay warm.”
I shrugged off my outerwear and donned the fluffy outfit before putting my golden clothes on top. With the extra layer, I looked like a fat man and felt like a pillow.
“Ready?” Doron asked.
“As I’ll ever be.”
He led the way out of his apartment and to the lab. “Shouldn’t we be going to the exit?” I asked.
“There’s another exit in here. I need to grab some equipment first.” He took a bag and put two devices inside before saying, “All right, let’s get out there.” I only recognized the gravitometer.
Behind a wall of panels and computers was a hidden hall which ended in an exit to the outside. Through the door was another airtight chamber before we passed through a second set of doors and were in the icy expanse.
I was disoriented upon emerging outside from a different exit, but Doron knew exactly where to go. He turned to the left and after a while we came to the narrow path between the wall of ice and the lab windows.
I wasn’t sure that the extra layer was helping at all. If anything, the coarse fibers were poking through my normal clothes and itching my skin, making me uncomfortable in addition to the biting cold.
“Here it is.” He pointed along a ridge of jagged ice. We climbed through carefully and soon found ourselves face-to-face with Lola’s serene figure. “You go ahead.”
Something seemed off as I approached her. The first time, an irresistible pull had lured me to this spot. But now, I felt nothing. “Lola,” I whispered. “Please still be there.”
A wave of several emotions crashed over me: excitement, nerves, apprehension, joy, and fear. I wasn’t sure what brought them up. I could feel my heartbeat in my throat.
This time, I was able to get a good look at her. She wore a white dress which clung to her body. Her white hair floated around her head in an aura of flowing strands. Her eyes were closed, but I could still see the ice-blue irises in my mind.
Doron came up behind me and rummaged through his bag. He pulled out the gravitometer and aimed it toward Lola. When he powered it on, a dark cloud hologram descended over her. “There it is.” He
pulled the other device from the bag and aimed it at the ice wall. “You might want to stand back.”
I took a step away from her and watched as he turned on what looked like a flashlight, except the light was melting through the ice.
Say my name.
“What? Why?”
Doron turned off the ice-melter and turned to me. “What’s up, Jake?”
I squinted at her through the ice. Say my name.
I slowly removed my gloves and pressed my bare hands against the ice wall. “Lola.”
Her eyes opened, and they seemed to suck me in. I couldn’t look away.
Before I knew what was going on, Doron and I were flung backwards by a wave of energy. I landed on my back, but quickly propped myself up to see what had happened to Lola. She traveled toward me, her arms and legs unmoving like she really was a statue. She came right at me, crashing into my body. Pictures seemed to flash in front of my face: Lola riding a crowded underground train, Lola walking on a completely uninhabited Zeta, a foreboding feeling while traveling in a small craft to Chi. I lost all sense of myself as Lola took over.
•••
I remember now. I remember what happened to me.
She was inside a small craft. I recognized the view. She was between Theta and Kappa. The craft, however, was not one that I recognized. Aside from pictures in history books, I had never seen technology so archaic.
Lola was deep in thought as she let the autopilot guide her ship. It’s about time my parents let me add a breathable atmosphere to a planet by myself. Figures they would wait until only the farthest-out planet was left. I doubt anyone will ever settle there since it’s just an icy dump. I should be able to get everything set up in less than a day. Then, I can go back to the base on Kappa with plenty of time before my wedding.
I could see the image of the young man in her thoughts. He was average height with dark hair and eyes. To be honest, he looked a bit like I did ten years ago. Maybe that’s why she chose me—because I resembled her fiancé.
Time shot forward to Lola on the surface of Chi, dressed in a space suit which made her look like a purple marshmallow. She pulled a large device from the bottom of her craft and started fiddling with the controls. Once it was on, the device began hissing as it shot out gasses. I recognized what it was doing. It was an atmosphere builder, except a much older model than any I had seen before.
Satisfied that her work on the surface was done, she slipped back into her craft and removed the space suit. She sat down heavily and gave out a long sigh. This time, I couldn’t tell what she was thinking.
She moved to the back of the craft and pulled out a large bag. There was a zipper around the perimeter which she opened slowly and carefully. When she pulled out the garment inside, she smiled. I recognized the dress.
No, I shouldn’t. I couldn’t tell what she was debating in her head. Maybe just for a minute. She undressed down to just her panties before slipping the white dress over her head.
She looked truly breathtaking. The fabric fluttered effortlessly around her figure. She pulled out a small mirror from her bag and admired herself. Oh, I almost forgot. She pulled another item from her bag. At first, I thought it was some sort of scarf. She placed part of it securely on her head, and the rest of the fabric cascaded down her back. I can’t wait to see Michel’s face when I wear this down the aisle.
A shrill beeping outside demanded her attention. She turned sharply to the side. Something was wrong with the atmosphere builder.
I could already foresee what was going to happen. I wanted to yell at her, “No, don’t do it!” but I couldn’t reach out to her. She wouldn’t be able to hear me.
She extended her hand and pressed a yellow circle on the door. It made a hissing sound. Oh no.
It was too late.
She had forgotten about her space suit. Protocol was to keep it on until the atmosphere builder passed the 15% mark. But she had gotten distracted by the idea of trying on her wedding dress.
And now, all the air was getting sucked out of her lungs so quickly she didn’t even have a chance to scream. The door flung open, and she stumbled outside, her muscles freezing in the cold. Her entire body was frozen solid by the time she reached the ground.
I picked myself up and brushed the flakes of ice from my pants. Doron had a stunned expression on his face.
“Did you feel that? It was like a pulse of energy or something.”
It was like her entire life had flashed before my eyes. I tried to hold onto her memories even as they slipped out of my consciousness like a dream right after waking.
“You didn’t see?” I asked.
He raised an eyebrow. “See what? You stupidly try to freeze your hand off? You’re lucky I was able to pull you away before you got stuck to the ice.”
“I could see her life. All of her memories.”
“Interesting,” he said. “Well, I got it all recorded on the gravitometer, so once we’re done out here we can review what it captured. But right now, we’ve got to free her from the ice and bring her inside.”
I helped Doron lift the heavy rectangle entombing Lola, and we brought her in through the door directly to the lab.
Once inside, we carefully placed her on a refrigerated lab table which would keep the ice frozen for the time being. We peeled off our outerwear, and I removed the itchy thermal layer. Then, Doron held the gravitometer up to one of the lab panels to transfer the recording he had taken. “All right. Let’s see what this puppy saw.”
The hologram from the panel flickered on. I could see the gray cloud enveloping her form in the ice. The cloud of dark matter condensed into a figure. It was a copy of her. The dark Lola walked forward and reached out her arm, touching the spot where I stood. Then the cloud of matter dissipated back into a mist.
Doron slapped his hand onto the lab table. “Holy shit. It’s a dark person.”
“Do you think she’s both physical and dark?”
He was practically vibrating, he was so excited. He started turning on all the panels and keying in notes. “Jake, do you know what this means? All of the other scientists thought that dark matter was homogeneous, but if dark organisms exist, it must be more complex than that. There could be all kinds of dark lifeforms!” He continued talking about the endless possibilities, but too quickly for me to catch what he was saying.
He interrupted his jabbering to stare at me silently for a moment. “Jake, you’re the key. Your ability to communicate with it will be instrumental to furthering our research.”
I was still wrapping my head around what had happened. Lola was dark matter? Or did she just control it? Was she the only one? Were there whole civilizations of dark matter people? All the questions swirling through my head were making me dizzy and my head ache.
Then it hit me.
Lola is real. She’s been real all along.
Pain like the stabbing of a knife sliced between my eyes and reverberated within my skull. I thought I heard Doron utter some statement of concern before I lost consciousness.
•••
My episodes were supposed to have been a side-effect of the drugs to manage what I now knew weren’t hallucinations. Yet here I was again, regaining consciousness after an intense headache.
“We lost you for a moment there, son.” Doron said. He and Rachel were both looking down on me as I laid on the pull-out in Doron’s office.
“I’m fine,” I insisted as I tried to sit up. Dull pains swirled in my head, and I had to move slowly.
Rachel walked away from me and pressed her back against the far wall. “What did you do?” I looked at her wide brown eyes. They were filled with fear. Was she afraid of me?
Doron grasped a strong hand on her shoulder. “I already told Rachel about the statue being an actual woman.”
“Lola,” I said, quietly enough that neither caught her name. I took a deep breath as I steadied my thoughts. “I’m fine. I used to have these… episodes all the time. Migraines, followed by passin
g out. I thought they were a side-effect from the medicine I used to take, but I guess that wasn’t the case.”
“You were probably just in shock,” Doron said.
I had struggled with these incidents for long enough to know that what I had just experienced was one of them. They always happened when I thought too hard about Lola or when I had trouble accepting her existence. Now I knew they were caused by me refusing to accept the truth. I started laughing, the insanity of everything suddenly feeling humorous.
Doron sat down next to me and pressed a hand against my forehead.
“I’m not sick. It’s just so funny.” I laughed again and Doron and Rachel shared a concerned look. “I just—I’ve been seeing this… dark person… for ten years. I thought she was a delusion. I was diagnosed as schizophrenic. And now, I just found out she’s fucking real. Yeah, I think I’m in shock.” I laid back down and took another deep breath trying to steady myself, then continued laughing until tears streamed from my eyes.
Doron looked at Rachel. “Maybe we should give him a minute.”
She nodded. “We’ll be right out here if you need anything, Jake.”
They slipped out of the room and left me to my maniacal laughing. I laughed until my ribs hurt and slowly each heave of breath devolved into a sharp sob.
The past ten years of my life had been a lie. I had lied to myself. Dr. Ryan had also lied to me—although I’m not sure he would have been able to differentiate between a delusion and an invisible person. If only I had known, maybe I would have finished my education and actually become a pilot. I could have avoided my horrible occupation as a ship janitor.
I knew I wasn’t being honest with myself. Lola was too distracting. I would have never been able to finish school with her hanging around. Even if I had, there was no way I could have gotten a job as a pilot with a disruptive person always following me.
As I calmed down from my sobbing attack, I wondered where she had gone. She was always finding me, but now I had been the one trying to seek her out.