I’d only taken a couple of steps when his rasp stopped me. “Hang on. Did ya just dump me?”
I sighed and turned to face him as he rose. “I’m pretty sure it doesn’t qualify as a dump when we were never together in the first place. It’s just a goodbye.”
He scowled. “An’ you’re thinkin’ ya gotta leave so poor little baby Arnie doesn’t get beat up anymore.”
I winced. “No, Arnie, I-”
“Ya think I’m scared of gettin’ a few bruises? We talked about this. I thought ya said ya trusted me.”
“No, I do trust you, you know I do, I just…”
“Ya just what, darlin’?” His voice softened as he stepped closer. “Ya tryin’ to protect yourself again?”
I held my head. This is why you don’t let people in. It only hurts too much when you lose them.
I straightened. It was for his own safety. Like Kane said. Don’t get too close in our line of work.
“No. I’m thinking of you. I know how you feel about getting attached, and I’m getting too attached to you, too.”
I knew exactly what to say to end it forever. I forced the words out of my mouth. “Arnie, I love you.”
He rocked back a step and the unbruised parts of his face paled. He spoke uncertainly into the silence. “You’re just sayin’ that so I’ll run.”
I sighed as the weight of loss threatened to crush me. “No. I’m saying it because it’s the truth. I love you. And we both know you don’t want that. So goodbye.” I turned away.
“Aydan,” he said hoarsely.
I stopped without turning, closing my eyes to shut out the pain. I opened them again when I felt his arms around me.
He tilted my chin to look down into my face, and his voice was a rough velvet rumble. “Aydan. Darlin’, ya got no idea how long I been waitin’ to hear ya say that. I love ya, too.” He kissed me gently, and then sank down on one knee in front of me, clasping my hands between his own.
“I joked about it often enough, but this time I’m serious. Aydan, will ya marry me?”
Chapter 41
My breath went out of me in a hiccup. I stared down at Hellhound’s battered, earnest face in sheer horror for a few long seconds before my panicked gaze darted around the lobby, searching frantically for an escape route.
Kane and Spider were staring at us, Spider’s mouth hanging open in an ‘O’ of shock. Activity in the lobby ceased and conversations hushed while everyone turned to watch.
“Arnie, get up! You’re attracting attention!” I hissed.
“Not ‘til ya gimme an answer,” he said. “I been waitin’ a long time for this. I knew ya were the one the very first time I met ya, when ya slammed my head into a wall an’ made a crack about my stayin’ power. If ya love me, too, then let’s make it official.”
My legs gave way and I dropped to my knees beside him. “Arnie,” I choked. “I can’t. I’m sorry, I just can’t.”
“So ya were lyin’ when ya said ya love me,” he said quietly.
“No, I was telling the truth. I do love you. I love you for your big heart and your courage and your dirty sense of humour and your brilliant mind…”
“An’ I’m good in bed,” he reminded me.
“And you’re mind-blowing in bed. And in truck seats. And everywhere else.”
“But ya won’t marry me.”
“No. I’m sorry. I don’t want to marry anybody, ever again.”
He searched my face. “Will ya move in with me?”
“No.” I dropped my gaze, unable to watch what I was doing to him.
He raised my chin again and eyed me gravely. “Will ya go steady with me? Not be with anybody else?”
“Arnie, I don’t want anything more than we have right now, and I never will. I’m sorry.”
He bellowed out a laugh and swept me into his arms. “I love ya, darlin’!” He kissed me soundly, and I pulled away, staring at him.
“W-what…?” I stammered.
He grinned. “I knew ya were shittin’ me.”
Comprehension dawned. “You… you… tricky bastard! You faked me out!” I gaped up at him, not knowing whether I was going to laugh or cry or smack him.
He roared laughter again. “Christ, ya shoulda seen your face!”
I was starting to laugh in spite of myself. “You lousy bastard! You scared the shit out of me! What would you have done if I’d said yes?”
He chuckled. “Ran like hell, what d’ya think?” He stroked the hair back from my face and took my hand. “Okay, let’s try this again, darlin’. I gotta say this, ‘cause we promised not to lie to each other.”
I sobered, watching him, but he smiled. “What I was gonna say was, I’m gettin’ too attached to ya. I been down this road before, an’ it always ends up ugly, ‘cause chicks think that means goin’ steady or movin’ in or whatever, an’ that’ll never happen. But if ya don’t want that, if we can keep what we got…” He met my eyes, serious for once. “Long as you’re still good with our original deal. No commitments, an’ no lies.”
I tried to swallow the bubble of joy and relief, but it burst out on my face in a huge grin despite me. His face lit up, too, and his shoulders relaxed.
“Arnie,” I said. “That is exactly what I want.” I threw my arms around him, and he held me close in a sweet, lingering kiss.
Applause and whistles made me jerk away to see everyone in the lobby clapping and smiling, patients and hospital staff alike. A couple of women dabbed at their eyes.
I turned back to Arnie. “Oh, for shit’s sake.”
He burst out laughing and stood, reaching a hand down to me. As I rose, he tucked an arm around me and waved graciously to our audience, smiling. “Hell, darlin’, they’ll never know any different,” he growled out of the corner of his mouth. “Let ‘em think they’re seein’ a happy endin’.”
I grinned up at him. “They are.”
“That they are.” He pulled me closer and kissed me again, and the crowd began to drift back to its normal rhythm and flow.
After a moment, he pulled away, his expression serious again. “Aydan, I know what ya been through, so I’m gonna cut ya some slack this time. But don’t ever pull that shit on me again. If ya wanna be rid a’ me, look me in the eye an’ say so, but don’t play mind games, okay?”
I swallowed hard. “Okay. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay, darlin’.” He kissed me gently before pulling back with a wicked grin. “An’ I promise not to fuck with your mind by pretendin’ I wanna get married.” We both laughed and turned to face Kane and Spider as they made their way over.
Spider was grinning from ear to ear, practically bouncing up and down. Kane wore his unreadable cop face.
“I take it congratulations are in order,” Kane said evenly.
Hellhound grinned and squeezed my shoulders. “Yeah. I’m the luckiest guy in the world.”
Spider flung his lanky arms around both of us. “Congratulations! Wait ‘til I tell Linda, she’ll be so sorry she missed the big proposal! When’s the wedding?” he bubbled.
Arnie and I exchanged glances. “Dunno, darlin’,” he said thoughtfully. “What d’ya think, February 31st?”
I pretended to consider it for a few seconds. “Yeah, that’ll work. Hell should be frozen over by then. We could go there for a skiing honeymoon.”
We turned to face the other two. Spider’s expression of consternation almost made me feel sorry for pulling his leg. Kane exploded in a bark of laughter.
“But… but… what…?” Spider stammered. “That looked like…”
Hellhound chuckled. “Hell, ya spy on people’s private conversations, ya get what ya deserve.”
I relented. “Sorry, Spider, I know what it looked like, but it wasn’t that. Arnie and I are happy the way we are, and that’s the way we’re going to stay.”
“But…” His disappointment was almost palpable. “But you’re not… anything. You’re not even together.”
Hellhound clapped him
on the shoulder. “Now you’re gettin’ it.” He turned to me. “I gotta go. I gotta see a client in Calgary tonight. Ya need a ride, darlin’?”
“Uh, yeah, I guess I do. I’ll have to get my car.”
“No need,” Kane said. “We impounded it from Nichele’s the day you left. I had it delivered back to your farm last night. I’ll take you home.”
I surveyed him in pleased surprise. “Thanks!”
Arnie began to drift toward the door, his arm still around me. “Damn, darlin’, I was hopin’ we’d have time for a little celebration later. I wanna see ya put some drag-racin’ moves on my stickshift.”
I linked my arms around his neck and pressed close. “Yeah, my slushbox needs some work, too, and you’ve got just the right tool. Too bad you’re leaving.”
He grinned. “I might be back.”
I kissed him. “Better be.”
Chapter 42
Kane and I got into his Expedition in silence. We had driven for several minutes before he spoke abruptly. “Webb said you were wondering if your family had been executed. Did you find the information you were looking for?”
I stared out the windshield. “No. Spider said all information on me had been redacted, and I couldn’t find anything on my own.”
“What will you do now?”
“Nothing. I have no place left to look. And you don’t need to ask what I’m going to be doing, because I have to give you a notarized report every time I sneeze or go to the bathroom from here on in. Stemp made that pretty clear. Either that or I get locked up.”
He shot a sidelong glance at me, which I ignored. “You understand it’s for your own safety, don’t you?” he asked.
“Yeah.”
We rode in silence for a few more minutes.
“Your father and your uncle both died natural deaths,” he said. “The circumstances around your mother’s car accident were… unusual, but our government didn’t kill any of your family, directly or indirectly.”
I jerked around in the seat to stare at him. “How did you find that out?”
He kept his eyes on the road. “I called in some favours. There’s more, too.”
My hands trembled as I folded and unfolded the seatbelt over my chest. “What?” My voice cracked, and I cleared my throat and swallowed hard.
“Back in the mid-sixties, the idea of the brainwave driven network was conceived. A few years later, Sirius began widespread testing of school-aged children, looking for specific brainwave patterns.”
My heart hammered. “And I was one of them.”
“Yes. You were one of only six in the entire country who fit the parameters. Dr. Kraus developed a system of exercises designed to develop and enhance those patterns. Over the years, the other children’s patterns stagnated and eventually deteriorated despite the exercises. Yours didn’t.”
“Testing three times a year. And the exercises that he called games.”
“Yes,” he confirmed. “You weren’t supposed to remember them. The others didn’t. But you were different. By the time you reached junior high school, it became apparent that you were the best hope for what Kraus had in mind. It was then that Sirius recruited your father.”
“Who began to work for the government. Carrying a gun. And teaching me to shoot.” I squeezed my eyes shut briefly, willing away the dizziness and nausea. “You’re telling me I’ve been manipulated my entire life.”
Muscles jumped in his jaw. “They tried. You were supposed to be recruited into the computer program right out of high school. Your father was supposed to encourage you in the right direction. That didn’t happen.”
I tried to suck oxygen out of air that seemed suddenly too thin. “When Mom died, we just… shut down. Just going through the motions. I couldn’t deal with the thought of an academic program, so I went into drafting instead, got a quick certificate, and started working.”
“And met your first husband,” Kane said tightly. “That’s when they deployed Robert, but it was already too late. You were too damn loyal, and you wouldn’t break it off with Steven, even though you should have.”
“Hindsight’s twenty-twenty,” I said faintly.
I had already suspected what he was telling me, but the confirmation was almost more than I could bear. I stared blindly at the highway lines dashing by outside the SUV. One at a time, too quickly to count, like wasted years slipping away.
“I can’t believe they made Robert hang around all those years,” I said finally. “No wonder he went rogue at the end.”
“They didn’t make him,” Kane said gently. “He volunteered. Year after year. He took over the mission to manipulate you into working for Sirius. For years, he sent in reports describing his efforts. When your first marriage finally ended, he said he would have to marry you in order to apply more pressure, and the department approved it. He was still sending in reports detailing his plans and efforts to bring you into Sirius the week before he died.”
Confusion clouded my brain, and I turned to frown at Kane. “He never even mentioned Sirius. And he never wanted me to do anything with computers. When I took those computer courses, it was almost like he was discouraging me.”
Kane continued, still watching the road. “By that time, Stemp was in the director’s position, and he asked some hard questions. When the analysts really dug into it, they couldn’t verify any of Robert’s reported activities. Then they discovered he was secretly making plans to take you out of the country and give you a new identity. Stemp ordered me to eliminate him before he could complete his scheme. He had airline tickets for both of you, for the evening he died.”
“He said he had a surprise for me, and I was so looking forward to it. He came home early that day to celebrate.” Cold sickness tunnelled into the pit of my stomach. “So he was working for Fuzzy Bunny all along.”
Kane slowed to turn into my lane and stopped at the gate. He turned to meet my eyes. “No, he wasn’t. He was protecting you. He loved you, Aydan. He knew the kind of life you’d lead if you worked for Sirius, and he was willing to do whatever it took to prevent that. Even if it meant making you vanish. Even if it cost him his life.”
His words slowly penetrated my brain, and I stared out the window, blinking hard.
Kane got out and unlocked the gate, and by the time he returned, I had my voice more or less under control. I’d also had a chance to consider what he must have done in order to get this information. Even Spider’s super-hacker skills hadn’t been able to unearth it.
I swallowed hard and met his eyes. “Thank you. This means… more to me than you can imagine.”
“You’re welcome. I owed you that, and a lot more besides.”
Another thought hit me.
“So…” My voice quavered, and I stopped and tried again. “So when the perfect farm came up for sale here in Silverside… My dream farm… That wasn’t coincidence, was it?”
“No. It took them almost two years to get it set up. They had to acquire the house and land, get your requirements from your real estate agent, update the property, and then list it and make sure it went only to you.” He shot a wry smile at me. “You made it easy. All they had to do was build that deluxe garage. They didn’t even have to renovate the house.”
Hurt and anger burst out of me. “Why didn’t you just tell me?”
“Please believe I would have told you if I’d known,” he said quietly. “If I had known this from the start, it might have changed… a lot of things. Stemp doesn’t believe in providing any more details than what’s absolutely necessary to accomplish what he wants.”
He parked beside the house and turned to face me. “I still owe you that apology. Aydan, I can’t tell you how sorry I am. If you’d been able to trust me enough to come to me with these questions, this latest disaster could have been averted. And I took a bad situation and made it worse.”
His steady gaze faltered, and he turned to stare at his whitening knuckles on the steering wheel. “I was angry and… hurt. And I let
that get in the way. It wasn’t just unprofessional, it was childish, and I’m sorry-”
“John, it’s okay,” I interrupted. “You had orders. You were doing your job. I’ve always admired your sense of duty, and it’s not your fault that I don’t always like what your duty demands.”
“To hell with duty!” He turned and took my hand, searching my face. “Aydan, I wouldn’t have killed you. Not even under a direct order.” He swallowed. “I didn’t know you’d been communicating with Webb. I didn’t want to believe it, but I was starting to think you’d betrayed m… our team and gone rogue. And when I thought you’d turned Arnie against me, I… did and said some things I regret.”
“We both overreacted. I’ll forgive you, if you’ll forgive me for taking off and leaving you holding the bag. And I hope you’ll forgive me for saying some things I didn’t mean, too. Can we just put it behind us?”
His face softened, and he drew in a deep breath. “Yes. Thank you. I… yes.”
He shifted in his seat, his clear grey eyes serious. “Aydan, there’s something else I have to say. I… you won’t want to hear it.”
My shoulder muscles coiled into slow knots, and I held my voice steady with an effort. “Add it to the list of things I didn’t want to hear. Spit it out.”
“Aydan…” He stopped as if gathering his strength. “You know I’ve never lied to you.”
“So you said.”
He flinched. “I’ve never lied to you,” he repeated firmly. “I can’t make you believe that, but it’s the truth.”
I sighed. “John, you’re a spy, and spies lie as easily and convincingly as they tell the truth. I’ll never know who you really are, and I’ll never know whether you’re lying to me or not.”
I looked up to read the pain in his face. I paused, uncertain, then took a deep breath and made the decision. “So, this is probably stupid, but I’m just going to trust you unless you give me a reason not to.”
I hadn’t realized how rigidly he was holding himself until he relaxed. “Thank you,” he murmured.
“You’re welcome.” I made my voice as casual as I could. “If we can, I’d like us to be friends again.”
Tell Me No Spies Page 32