Blaine tried to talk to me several times on the ride home, but I kept my eyes closed and pretended that I was asleep. I was ashamed of myself, and I didn’t want her to see it all over my face. I needed some medication. I needed something that would make this feeling go away; otherwise I was going to need oxygen quick.
When the car came to a stop, I didn’t bother checking to see if we were home before I threw open the door. It was a full-blown panic attack before I made it three steps into the grass.
“Bubba! Bubba! Take a deep breath.” She took off running into the house. I could see her leave me. All I could do was reach out my hand, but she was gone. I thought I was dying, because I couldn’t catch my breath. All the air inside was gone. I was suffocating. “Here,” she shoved a pill into my mouth and handed me the glass.
I drank it fast, and laid down face first into the grass. I could here her voice as she talked calmly into my ear. The stretch of road was in front of me, and I counted each strand of grass I could see around me.
“Twenty one, twenty two, twenty three,” I finally stopped. My breathing was still ragged, but I was finally getting air. Grown men weren’t supposed to fall apart like this. I’d never read any books in prison that said the hero was a weak man who couldn’t protect his sister, and couldn’t think about the past without having an attack. It wasn’t right. I didn’t even have them this bad while I was locked up. I would never make it like this. This place, and these people, and my selfishness, were breaking what little piece of myself I had left.
“Just go. Leave me here.”
“Bubba, please.” Blaine’s voice was sad.
“Go!” I yelled.
I wanted to be left alone.
Minutes passed before she left, and I lay there on the cold grass by myself. I folded my arms under my head and let the medicine calm me down. It worked. Whatever those pills were, I needed them. I had to have them to make it through everyday here.
I must have dozed off at some point, but Madeline’s voice woke me.
“What are you doing out here?” She asked.
“Breathing,” was my only answer.
“Are you okay?”
I didn’t look up at her face. “Do you care?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” She questioned.
“You can go away too. I don’t need your pity either.” I said. “Go back to Phillip, and leave me alone.” My words were meant to be hurtful. I wanted her to feel exactly how I felt. The problem was that she wasn’t the one making me hurt this way it was myself.
“I didn’t want him there tonight. I don’t want to be with him.”
Yeah, right. “Keep telling yourself that Madeline.”
“It’s true. I just can’t leave him. It’s hard.”
I had no idea what she meant by that, and honestly I didn’t care anymore.
That was a lie.
But I wished I didn’t care anymore.
“I don’t belong in your world, and you don’t belong in mine. Go home.”
“That’s it?”
“Look,” I turned my head to face her. “This isn’t about you. I’m a fucked up mess. Stop trying to make this about you. I don’t give a shit what you do with your life. If you want to be with him, fine. Yes, it doesn’t feel good, but I’m crazy for letting myself have feelings for you in the first place. I knew better. Now go live your happy life with him, and leave me alone.”
She ran off quickly at my harsh words.
Good.
She needed to run, as far away from me as she could get.
Chapter Twenty-Three - Present
Hours later when I finally went inside, I found Blaine and Landon asleep on the couch.
She’d finally let him in.
She didn’t need me anymore.
It was time for me to go back. My home wasn’t here with her; it was in that jail cell where I’d spent my whole childhood. That’s where people like me belonged.
I walked quietly into the kitchen and grabbed the pad of paper that was on the counter. I wrote Blaine a note before I left that morning.
Dear Blaine,
Where do I go from here?
In the short amount of time that I’ve been on the outside, I have screwed everything up. I’ve taken away all the good that you have in your life. You had your shit together, and I’ve messed it all up. I was supposed to be the one to protect you. That was my job. But it looks like you don’t need me anymore.
I couldn’t keep a job, or get my act together, and in my head I feel like the biggest failure. No one wants a felon working for him or her, and no one wants to love a felon either. It wasn’t meant to be.
I have to go back. I know that you probably don’t understand it, but jail is where I belong. I’m a fucking moron. I’m trapped inside my own head, and I can’t do anything for myself. I can’t even keep a job. Madeline is playing mind games with me, and my chest hurts all the time. I can’t make it out here. I can’t. I don’t belong in society. I’m a murderer.
Don’t for a second think that I don’t love you, because I wouldn’t be telling you this if I didn’t. I love you with everything I have, and I have to let you go. Landon is a good man. He’ll love you, and he’ll protect you. I have no doubt.
Keep pushing hard, because you deserve all good things from life.
Love you forever, Bubba
I left the note sitting there on the counter where she would see it. I was going to see my parole officer. He would tell me what to do. He’d help me get back in. He had to. Otherwise, I’d have to stir up some trouble, and I knew just whose head I could smash in to make it happen.
∞
“I’ve seen this before. It happens all the time.” Mr. Collins –my parole officer said to me. “We don’t just send you back though. We can’t send you back inside with no cause or reason.”
I had a feeling he was going to tell me that.
“There is a reentry program, that is offered to people like you. I think you’d be perfect for it.” He explained.
“What’s a reentry program?”
“It’s for felons who need help adjusting to reentering society. There is housing available, and they help you find a job. You’d be able to meet other people like yourself who are dealing with the same problems.”
I shifted in my seat. “Why didn’t I know about this before?”
“Because we like to let you try first. They want to make certain that you can’t do it on your own. Some people adjust easily, and some can’t do it all.”
“I just want to go back. I need to go back.” I clarified. It wasn’t that hard to understand. I was definitely one of those people who couldn’t do it. I was okay with that.
He leaned forward across the desk. “I think you should try the program first. It would only be about six weeks or so, and if you don’t like it then we will send you back.”
“Just like that?” I wondered what the catch was. He’d said not two minutes earlier, that I couldn’t go back without cause.
“Yes,” he said. “I’m completely certain that the program will help, and you won’t have to go back.”
“All I have to do is fax up the paperwork, and I can have you on a bus in the next twenty-four hours. Simple as that.”
I felt my phone vibrate from my pocket. When I looked at the screen I saw a message from Blaine. Opening it, I read it silently to myself. She was pissed. She wanted to know where I was, and told me to call her NOW. The letters were all big and bold.
I knew that once she read my letter that she was going to be angry with me. She had every right to be. I also knew that she wouldn’t understand.
Another message came through the phone as I held it in my hand.
I can’t do this without you. My heart is broken. Come home Bubba.
“Do it.” I told Mr. Collins. “Fax up the paperwork, and I’ll be ready to go in twenty-four hours.”
I walked outside the building and dialed Blaine’s number. I’d agreed to this program,
because of her message.
“Where are you?” She cried into the phone.
“I met with my parole officer.”
“Why are you doing this Brian? You can’t go back. I’ve spent too many years without you. You’re just talking crazy nonsense. If you think I don’t need you, then you’re dead wrong.”
I rested my head against the side of the building.
“You can’t give up yet, you haven’t even really tried. I know it’s not easy, but that is what I’m here for. I’ll help you. I swear I will.”
I was so damn choked up that I had to wait before I could speak.
“Please,” she cried. “Don’t leave me. I don’t have anyone else. You’re my only family.”
“I love you,” I said to her, because that was the one thing I needed her to know at that very moment.
“I love you too.” She answered right back.
“Blaine,” I whispered into the line.
She sobbed harder.
“I’m gonna try for you.” I closed my eyes tightly. “I have to leave for six weeks. There is a program that’s going to help me. They give me a place to stay and help me find work. I leave tomorrow.”
She sniffled and I could hear her calming down. “You’re not going back to prison?”
“Not yet.” I didn’t want her to think that it I could do this, because hell, I didn’t even know if I could do it. “I’m going to try this. If it doesn’t work, then I might have to go back.”
“You can do it. I know you can. Please try hard. Please.” She pleaded.
“I’ll try.” That was all I could promise.
“Come home, until you have to go. No one is here but me, and we should be together before you have to leave.”
“Okay, I’ll be home soon.”
Chapter Twenty-Four - Present
~Blaine~
I watched my brother get on a bus and leave me for the second time in my life. It wasn’t any easier this time, than it was the first. I had no idea if he’d be coming back home to me or not. It was scary, and I was so afraid. He thought my life was great. He thought that I was coping so well with the situation, but he was wrong.
I stayed up late into the morning hours last night, writing him a letter to tell him how I felt. The words I wanted to say wouldn’t come out when we were face to face. I was always so afraid that he would think I was weak, and I felt like I had to be strong for him. I knew that his life had been hell inside those prison walls, but mine was no picnic either. I was just as broken as he was. I needed medication too, and now that he was gone again, I’d be back to taking more than I should have.
Before he walked out the door this morning, I slipped the letter inside of his bag. I didn’t want him to know how I felt until he was far away from me. He needed this time for him to heal, and I knew that if he truly understood the way I was feeling he would stay. He’d stay for me. I couldn’t be that selfish. He needed to find himself, and do it for the right reasons. I wanted my brother back. I didn’t care if he was different or if he changed, I just wanted him to be real. I wanted him to love himself. That was the most important thing. He was the most important thing in my life. He just didn’t realize it.
Watching him pull away tore me apart, but he had to go.
I took the rest of the week off from work, even though I knew I couldn’t afford it. I needed a break. Maddie didn’t mind. She promised to come check on me soon.
I’d finally let Landon into my life when Bubba gave his approval. I thought things were going well. He and Landon were closer than I ever expected them to be. Maybe that was what scared him so much. Maybe he felt the need to run away because he thought Landon was taking over his role. If that was the case then he was wrong. I loved Landon in a whole other way. I needed him for far different reasons than I needed Brian. In the grand scheme of things, I still needed them both.
The next six weeks were going to challenge me. I was going to find out if I could keep myself together while he was away, all while pushing Landon to his breaking point. It was something that I could avoid. He knew that without Brian, I wasn’t going to be myself. He’d seen me this way before. But after Bubba came home from prison, Landon had said that I’d changed. I knew I had. I’d changed for the better. Having him around meant that I wasn’t as scared. I didn’t have to take so much medication, and he put me in a better mood. I couldn’t help how he made me feel. He was my other half. Being separated from my brother for so long made me cling to him when I finally got the chance. I wish I could have been open with him from the start. Instead, I acted like everything was great. Like I had no issues whatsoever.
I was a complete dumb ass.
I hoped my letter would help him to see that.
∞
Besides Maddie’s visits, and Landon’s visits, Bubba’s letters were the only things that kept me from completely falling apart. He wrote me once a week for the entire time he was away. I read them over and over, and with each one that came, we grew stronger together. Maddie and I cried together on several occasions, and for different reasons, but in the end we learned that the two of us loved the same person and he was gone. With each letter he wrote I could see how much stronger of a man he became. It made me realize that no matter how bad I wanted him with me, he was exactly where he needed to be.
Week One:
Dear Blaine,
This is the first chance that I’ve had to write you a letter. The first few days here were overwhelming, and it was even harder once I read your letter. I wanted to come back home to you, just hours after I got here. That wasn’t fair you know. It broke my heart to read your words.
Thank you!
I know how hard that must have been for you to tell me those things, but it made me feel like a weight was lifted off of my chest. It was the kick in the ass that I needed to get better and come home. I promise I will try my hardest for you.
Things are different here. It’s not like prison, but it’s also not like home. There are 6 of us here. All guys, although my roommate’s name is Sutton. Weird right? I expected him to be a her, and I was sadly mistaken when I saw him. He’s nice though. We had a few choice words on the first day, but we are better now. It’s like a military style boot camp at this place. Well, maybe not that intense, but I’m glad that Sutton and I are getting along, because they make us do everything together.
The man that runs this place told me that I’d be able to learn how to drive while I’m here. Can you believe it? I think that was one of the reasons I haven’t ran screaming from this place yet.
I hope that you are doing okay. I miss you so much. I didn’t realize how hard this was going to be. I’m glad I decided to come here before running back to jail. I really am. But next week my therapy starts, so I might not feel the same way then.
I’ll write you again next week.
Love you,
Brian
P.S. How is Madeline?
Week Two:
Dear Blaine,
I’m going nuts.
Not really, but I think the doctor thinks I’m a little crazy. She has every right too though. I’ve already had two sessions with her now, and I was given medication after the first one. She said it would help my anxiety, and so far so good. It really seems to calm me down. It’s a lot like the pills you gave me. I talk to the doctor a lot about you, and she said that we should see a counselor together when I get back. I don’t know how you’d feel about that, but I’m up for it if you are. It might be good for us. Who knows?
I’ve also been learning how to use a computer, and I’ve learned how to make lasagna. It’s amazing the things they teach you here. I’ve found that working around people with the same issues makes it a lot easier. I didn’t realize how good I was at certain things, until I met Sutton. He’s even more of a moron than I was. This makes me happy.
I thought I should tell you that I’ve only thought about Madeline a little since I’ve been here. I told the doctor today about the way I was feeling and she
said that I should really be honest with my feelings towards her, but that scares the hell out of me. It was much easier to talk when it was alcohol induced. I’m saving those admissions for another time.
How is Landon? I hope you all are doing okay. I really like the guy, and he seems good for you. Don’t let your mouth get you in trouble. Be nice, but not too nice.
I miss you a lot. Even more as the days pass by. I can’t wait to see you again.
I love you always! Bubba
Week Three:
Dear Blaine,
Looks like learning how to drive isn’t something I’ll be doing for a long time since I suck at it. I now have to find a way to replace a mailbox. Can I borrow some money? <- Just kidding. Not about the mailbox, but about the money. I get to start working tomorrow at a dog-grooming place. It’s not exactly what I was envisioning for myself, but they say it will be good for me. We’ll see. I’ve never been around animals. Hope I don’t get bit.
How are things going there at home? Are you and the gray elephant missing my company or is Landon occupying my space now? Don’t answer that.
I’ve been doing a lot of working out lately. I’m trying to get buff for the ladies, is what Sutton keeps saying, but of course I still only have one lady on my mind. I really do miss her Blaine. Am I crazy? Shouldn’t I care that she’s in love with someone else? I guess that’s a question for the doctor. I have an appointment the day after tomorrow. Wish me luck. I get really nervous every time I have to go see her. I don’t know why. I just feel like a whack job you know?
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