by Lesley Crewe
“Even I can’t ruin Kraft Dinner.”
“I’m not hungry, I’ll eat later,” Ashley said before she disappeared up the stairs to her room.
Mother and aunt looked at each other.
“What did the doctor say?”
“How should I know? I wasn’t allowed in the office with her. He told her to take some vitamins and get blood work done, I guess to rule out anything horrible.”
Tansy gave the pot a stir. “You might be barking up the wrong tree.”
Bay sat at the table. “What do you mean?”
“Maybe she and Matt had a fight and she doesn’t want you to know about it. She hasn’t been hankering to see him lately.”
Bay folded her arms. “You may have a point. Well, if that’s the case, I’m staying out of it. I’d only make things worse. I can’t seem to do anything right these days.”
Tansy gave her a smile and knocked the wooden spoon against the side of the pot. “That’s not true.”
“Oh, yes it is. Dermot’s annoyed with me.”
“Oh?” Tansy walked over and sat in the opposite kitchen chair. “What happened?”
Bay put her elbow on the table and cupped her chin in her hand. “The usual. I said something and he got mad and then he said something and I got mad.”
“What did you say?”
“I told him we should take things slow. You’d think I’d asked him to become a monk.”
“I see.”
“So much for your great advice. Now what?”
Tansy got back up and took some plates out of the cupboard. “Now nothing. He can’t manipulate you like that. If he likes you so much, he should be prepared to do things your way. Keep away from him until he gets over his little hissy fit.” She placed the plates on the table. “Are you ready to eat?”
“I guess so. You know, you’re right. Why am I always the one who has to play by other people’s rules? He can stew for all I care. I have more important things to worry about.”
It occurred to Ashley in the middle of the night that the blood test would give away the fact that she was pregnant. That’s why the doctor had ordered it. The way he’d looked at her made her think he knew what was up. She wouldn’t get away with not having it done, so she had no choice.
She had to tell Matt.
Her mother poked her head around the bedroom door before she left for work. “Good morning. Must be nice to sleep in now that you’re not in school.”
“I’m not sleeping in. You’re talking to me.”
Bay crossed the room and sat on her bed. “That’s true. When are you going to hand out your resumés? You’ll need a job soon. You shouldn’t have left it so late.”
Ashley closed her eyes. “Yes, Mother, I know.”
“I’ll leave you the car and you can go in and get your blood work done. Don’t forget.”
“I won’t.”
“You and Matt aren’t having problems, are you?”
Ashley’s eyes flew open. “What?”
“You’ve been reluctant to see him and I wondered if anything was up.”
“I haven’t been feeling well and he’s busy working for his uncle, that’s all.”
“Good.”
“Good? I thought you’d be happy if Matt and I broke up.”
Bay frowned. “When did I say that?”
“All the time. It drives me nuts.”
“Well, you’re wrong. All I said was—”
“Never mind, Mom, I’ve heard it before.” Ashley sat up and crawled out from under the sheets on the other side of the bed. “I’d better take a shower.”
Bay sighed. “All right, I’ll see you later.” She got up and started for the door, but turned around and took Ashley in her arms. “I love you, you know. I only worry about you because I love you.”
Ashley stood as stiff as a board, waiting to be released. “Fine. Mom, I have to go.”
Bay dropped her arms. Ashley walked out of the room and into the bathroom, shutting the door behind her. Bay looked around at the mess. She wandered over to a picture tacked up on the bulletin board. They’d taken it in a booth at the mall. Ashley had her tongue sticking out and Bay had her eyes crossed. She reached up and touched the picture. She stood there for a long time, thinking about that day. They’d gone to the movies and had ice cream from the Tasty Treat. Ashley had said she was the best mom in the whole world.
Where did that little girl go?
CHAPTER EIGHT
Ashley drove up to Matt’s house and blew the horn. She called him before she left the house, so he was expecting her. There was no way she was going near his front door and running into his mother. She was afraid Ruth would look into her eyes and know instantly that she was carrying her grandchild.
Matt came out the door on the run. He had a big smile on his face as he approached the car. At that moment, everything in his world was fine.
And she was the one who was going to ruin it.
He opened the door and hopped in. “Hey, gorgeous. I missed you.” He leaned over and gave her a kiss. She pulled back quickly. “Not here. Your mother’s probably watching.”
“Then let’s go, because I’ve been going crazy without you.”
Matt thought he was going with her to get blood work, and chatted happily about his new job before they even left his street. He was so busy telling her about everything, he didn’t notice until the last minute that she’d turned off the main highway and driven down a dirt road that led to a point overlooking the harbour.
He smirked. “You want to go parking first, do ya? Then get over here.”
Ashley let him kiss her for a while, because it felt good to be with him again, but when his hand disappeared up the back of her blouse, she stopped him.
“We need to talk. Not here.”
She got out of the car before he could say anything. He quickly followed her and yelled into the wind that whistled from across the headland. “Just a sec. Wait.”
Instead of stopping, she tramped over the rocks and grass that edged the bank. There was a large boulder. This would have to do. She sat but didn’t look at him; instead she kept her gaze out over the water. He scrambled up beside her, out of breath.
“What’s going on? Why did you want to come here?”
“Sit down.”
Matt gave her a funny look but did as he was told. “You’re making me nervous. Have I done something wrong? You don’t want to break up with me, do you?”
She shook her head. Her hair whipped around her face because of the wind, and she had a hard time keeping it out of her eyes.
“Then talk to me.”
When she turned and looked at his sweet, earnest face, so full of love and concern, it broke her heart. “I have something to tell you and I don’t want to.”
Matt reached over and took her hand. “You can tell me anything.”
Ashley looked at their hands, trying to will the words to come.
“Oh my God, you’re not seriously sick, are you? Please tell me you’re all right.”
“I’m not all right…”
“God, what is it?”
“I’m having a baby.”
Matt’s head snapped back as if she’d slapped him. “What? What do you mean?”
“It’s true. I can’t believe it, but it’s true.”
Matt stood up and put his hands on his head, as if trying to keep this shocking revelation inside his brain. He looked one way, then the other, and finally back at her. “For sure?”
She nodded.
He sank down on the boulder beside her and put his arms around her shoulders. For the first time since the morning she first knew, she let herself cry out loud. No more hiding her face in the sheets or in the shower or into a towel. She cried as if her heart would break, and let her wails be carried off by the ocean breeze.
Matt rocked her and held her close. He said nothing. There wasn’t anything to say.
After a while she had no tears left, but Ashley kept her arms aroun
d his waist and her face hidden against the soft fleece of his hoodie. He rested his chin on the top of her head. She heard his heart thud in his chest. If only she could stay like this for the rest of her life. Then the world wouldn’t be so frightening.
Finally she spoke. “What are we going to do?”
“I don’t know.”
She lifted her head and let him go. She reached into her pocket for some tissue to wipe her eyes, then crumpled it up and started to shred it in her hands. “Maribeth thinks I should go to Halifax and have an abortion.”
“You told Maribeth before you told me?”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to tell you and I needed to talk to someone.”
Matt rested his elbows on his knees and put his face in his hands.
“Don’t be mad at me.”
He turned his head to look at her. “I’m not mad at you. I just wish you trusted me enough to come to me first. How do you know she isn’t going to blab this all over town?”
“She’s my best friend. Best friends don’t do stuff like that.”
“You better hope not.”
Ashley frowned. “At some point everyone’s going to know about it, no matter how hush-hush we are. That is, unless you want me to take her advice and get on a bus to Halifax and get it over with.”
“Is that what you want?”
Ashley jumped up and held her arms across her chest. “No, that’s not what I want. It’s our baby. Is that what you want?”
“I don’t know what the fuck I want. I can’t think straight. All I keep wondering is how we can raise this baby when neither of us has any money, or full-time jobs, for that matter.”
“You have your uncle’s job.”
Now it was Matt’s turn to stand up. “I’m an errand boy! I make minimum wage. And what about you? What are you going to do?”
“It doesn’t matter, does it, since your mother’s going to kill me anyway.”
“What about your mother?” Matt yelled back. “You think she’s going to be happy about it?”
“Of course not. Don’t yell at me.”
“Well, don’t yell at me.”
Ashley flicked her hand in exasperation. “Listen to us. We sound like kids.”
“We are kids.”
“Then we’re kids who’ve done a pretty good job pretending we’re adults.”
Matt ran his hand through his hair. “This is nuts. I don’t know what to do.”
Ashley started to walk past him. “Never mind, then. I’ll figure it out on my own. Tell your mommy to send you to university in September and you can forget all about me and my big belly.”
Matt reached out and grabbed her arm. “Hey, that’s not fair. You’ve been living with this for a while. I’m five minutes into it. I’m scared, okay? But that doesn’t mean I’m going to leave you in the lurch. This baby’s mine too. I do love you, y’know. Don’t you love me? Or am I just the creep who knocked you up?”
Ashley reached out and walked right into his arms. “I love you, Matt. I’ll always love you. You’re my baby’s father.”
He rubbed her back and kissed the top of her head. “Then we’ll figure it out. We don’t have to solve it this minute. Let’s stop being so frantic. We have to stick together, because when this comes out, we’re going to need each other.”
All was quiet that evening. Ashley went to her room after supper and spent the night on her computer, instant messaging Matt. Gertie came over and she and Bay played cards at the kitchen table. They asked Tansy to join them, but she refused.
“I hate cards.”
“You hate everything,” Gertie laughed. “I have yet to hear you say you love something.”
“I love sex.”
Gertie put her cards down. “Do tell.”
Tansy sat down at the table. “There’s nothing to tell. Doesn’t everyone?”
“How the hell would I know?” Gertie yelled. “I’ve been felt up maybe twice in my life. But I’m sure hoping that will change by this time next week.”
Bay shuffled the cards. “Don’t look at me. I’ve been withering on the vine for years.”
Gertie lowered her voice. “Have you had a lot of lovers, Tansy?”
Tansy shrugged. “I guess.”
Bay tsked. “Don’t you worry about disease?”
“I’m not stupid.”
Gertie looked behind her, afraid Ashley would show up. “If you don’t mind my asking, where was the craziest place you’ve ever done it?”
Bay slapped Gertie’s arm. “For heaven’s sake, don’t get her started.”
Tansy leaned back in her chair and folded her arms across her chest. “Let’s see. There was that time in the elevator, and then there was the revolving door, and oh, I know, once up in an apple tree.”
Gertie’s mouth hung open. “You’re joking.”
Tansy got up with a laugh. “Of course I’m joking. Can you imagine trying to do it in a revolving door?”
“Or up a tree,” Bay smiled.
The three of them giggled. Then Tansy put on her sweater that had been hanging over the doorknob in the hall. “I’m going for a walk.”
“Take Merlin, will ya?” her sister asked.
“Okay. Come on, boy.” Merlin jumped up from his mat and rushed over to the door. Tansy grabbed his leash and put it on him. “You guys want me to pick something up at the corner store?”
“Yeah. A bag of Dorit—”
“What was that, Gertie?”
“A bag of oranges.”
“Oranges it is.” She went out the door.
It was nice out, warm, with no wind. The sun was disappearing over the horizon and the sky was a blaze of pink and mauve. Tansy couldn’t remember sunsets like this in New York. She’d forgotten how breathtaking they could be.
Even though it was early in the evening, there weren’t many people about. Little kids who’d been racing around on their bikes or playing street hockey were now corralled indoors. Tansy imagined that most mothers on the street were putting little ones to bed or parking older ones in front of a video.
As she rounded the corner, she smelled someone’s barbeque going and heard laughter coming from behind a fence. Friends over for a beer, no doubt—all normal, everyday activities that she had never taken part in. It made her sad.
She headed down towards the wharf, a perfect spot to sit and look out over the water. Merlin was happy with this long adventure. Tansy could have sworn he was smiling at her, with his goofy, hairy face. “Thank you, Merlin. At least someone loves me.”
On the park bench she stopped and breathed in the fishy air. The fog rolled in from offshore. It wouldn’t be long before it crept over rooftops and enveloped the town, muting sounds and making shapes a hazy blur.
Tansy sat there, not registering what was going on around her. If she had, she would’ve noticed Dermot pass her in his truck, brake, and then pull over to the side of the road. He hopped out, slammed the door, and headed straight for her. He was almost on top of her before she realized someone was approaching, and that was only because Merlin sat up and started to wiggle with excitement.
“I want to talk to you,” Dermot said.
Tansy turned her head. “Don’t sneak up on a person like that.”
“I’m hardly sneaking.” He stood in front of her. “What do you think you’re playing at?”
“Excuse me?”
He pointed his finger at her. “Don’t be all mealy-mouthed and give me that ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about’ stuff. You know damn well why I’m annoyed.”
Tansy gave a big sigh and looked away. “Everyone’s always upset at me about something. Join the crowd.”
“Is it any wonder, the way you carry on?”
Tansy glanced back at him. “Don’t stand in front of me. I can’t look up that long. If you have something to say, sit next to me and maybe we can talk like two adults.”
Dermot looked wary for a moment and then did as she asked.
She pivoted around to face him and put her arm on the back of the bench. “So what have I done that has you riled up?”
“You’ve talked to Bay about me. And she’s talked to you, obviously.”
“Shouldn’t you be mad at her too?”
“As a matter of fact, I am mad at her, but since you’re here, you’ll do.”
Tansy smiled.
“What’s so funny?”
“‘Since you’re here, you’ll do.’ Isn’t that exactly it? Isn’t that what you wanted? Bay wasn’t with you, so I was. And now because I was, you’re angry with me. I didn’t twist your arm to sleep with me, as I recall.”
“I told you I loved her.”
“And a minute later you loved me. You aren’t better than me, Dermot. You were in that bed too.”
“But I didn’t know who you were.”
“I didn’t know who you were either. Why are you mad at me? Shouldn’t you be mad at yourself? If I’m getting it in the neck, why aren’t you?”
Dermot looked flustered. Tansy knew she’d scored a point, so she waited.
He finally spoke. “All right, we didn’t know. We’re on equal footing as far as that goes, but I’m annoyed that you told Bay to cool it with me. She was more than ready to be with me the other day and then she changes her mind. I know you’re behind it.”
Tansy turned away from him. “I’m behind nothing. All I said was that she’s been alone for a long time and she’s forgotten that she should be wooed by a man.”
“You’re a great one to be giving that advice.”
“I’m aware of my own double standard, Dermot. I’m not my sister. You have to realize that just because you’ve liked her for years, that doesn’t give you the right to undress her in your back room. She’s worth more than that, and I told her so. Why is that wrong? I’m worried about her. I don’t want her to rush into something she may not be able to handle.”
“I’m not some jerk who just wants to get in her pants. I care deeply about her.”
Tansy turned back to him. “Then do me a favour and slow down. She’s had a horrible time of it. I think she’s depressed, and that’s why she can’t get her life back together. She’s not the Bay I remember. She’s uncertain and scared and vulnerable. I want you to understand that before you demand things of her.”