Kody
Eventually Madison, who was fourteen at the time, noticed Robyn sitting in the corner. “Dad, who is that?” she asked.
For a long time, I’d had a running joke with my kids about taking a young wife. They had agreed that the youngest woman I might marry had to be twenty-eight at least.
“That’s Robyn,” I said to Madison, “and she’s thirty.”
Madison picked up on my insinuation right away and immediately she got a twinkle in her eye.
Eventually, Meri, Janelle, Christine, and I sat down with Robyn in Meri’s living room. Robyn was very forthcoming and direct. She laid out all that she had been through, explaining about her ex-husband and their destructive relationship. She said that before things went any further, she didn’t want there to be any secrets about her kept from the family.
While Robyn was laying it on the line for us, Christine leaned over and got right in her face. “So, do you think our husband is cute or not?”
Robyn didn’t know Christine well enough to understand that she was joking. Robyn explained that this sort of decision was left up to God and what He thought was right. Whether or not she thought I was cute was immaterial. She said that she was just there to figure out if this was something that God wanted for her. She was all business.
Her answer took the wind right out of my sails. I’d been hoping she would confess to the same electricity I’d felt when I was with her. I was deflated. Finally, Robyn explained that pursuing a married man isn’t something she’d ever do. “Yeah, right, you hussy,” Christine teased.
Robyn looked mortified.
By the end of the evening, I was despondent. I was not just smitten with her, but in love. And I’d believed, incorrectly, that she had similar feelings for me. Now I realized that I’d have to court her affection.
The next day, when I got home from work, I discovered that Meri had invited Robyn over. Since my wives had given me permission to get to know Robyn—which is the first step in approaching a new wife—I decided to say what was on my mind.
“Robyn,” I said, “do you want to see if we can get to know each other better?”
“Maybe. But I’m not asking anyone’s permission,” she said. This meant she wasn’t going to approach her father or the church leaders. All the hard work had fallen to me. She was not going to make things easy.
Robyn
There are several ways for a woman to enter a plural marriage. One of these is to tell her father and her church leaders, after which they would approach the family. I felt uncomfortable with this. I was a divorced woman. People were already under the impression that I was hunting for a husband—which was completely untrue. Even though I had legitimate grounds for divorce from my first husband, a failed marriage still tarnished my reputation. So I was especially careful not to give the impression that I was desperate to remarry. I didn’t want to chase anyone. Especially because I had three children, to be so bold as to ask about a married man seemed very presumptuous. In our community—and I’m sure others—imagining that a man, especially one with many other children, wants to take responsibility for your kids is taking a lot for granted.
Eventually, Meri convinced Kody to talk to the church leader. This is an important step in our faith for several reasons, one of which is so the church can make sure that a man has pure intentions and is not simply wife chasing. Kody was uncharacteristically shy about approaching the leader. But when Christine and Meri accompanied him to the meeting, Kody was immediately given permission to talk to my father.
When Kody called my father to ask permission to court me, my father was guarded. He knew how badly I’d been hurt before. “You can’t court her, but you can get to know her,” my father said. “No flowers, no chocolates, no love letters.”
Since I lived so far away from Kody, he and I talked on the phone regularly. Meri and I also kept in contact. Eventually, we started visiting on weekends. Whenever Kody visited me, he brought one of his wives or several of his children so that I could get to know the family better.
During this process, we were very chaste. We never hugged. We only held hands a couple of times, and that was in order to say a prayer. The only time we were alone during the “getting to know each other process” was to get chicken from the grocery store.
Soon, I started to fall in love with him. I felt safe with Kody, and I felt comfortable with his family. Kody did and said everything perfectly. He proved himself to me effortlessly. However, I was still waiting for a “eureka” moment when I’d know without a doubt that I was meant to be part of Kody’s family. I wanted fireworks and fanfare. I wanted angels singing in my ears. I wanted a sign from God.
While I was waiting for this to happen, I wanted to deepen my relationship with Kody. So I told my dad, who called Kody and gave him permission to court me at last.
Kody
For a couple of years before I met Robyn, I had been working as a sales representative selling advertising for billboards. While this job allowed me to work locally, it was a tough way to make a living. There were times when I could barely sell at all.
The day that Robyn’s father called and gave me permission to court Robyn, my sales career had hit an all-time low. Things were so tough that I was considering selling my car. I didn’t have two nickels to rub together, but I was still considering courting this amazing woman. I was certain that God would find a way for me to bring Robyn into my life.
After I got off the phone with Robyn’s dad, I told my wives that we’d received permission to court. Luckily, Robyn was visiting Lehi at the time, so we could immediately go on a date. My wives were all excited for me. Each of them had received the answer that Robyn was meant to be in our family. In fact, Christine had received a more intense spiritual witness that Robyn should marry me than she had received about her own marriage. Together we teased Robyn mercilessly about the fact that we all knew her destiny. My wives and I were in what Robyn called the “Knowing Club,” while Robyn was still waiting for her answer.
On our first date, over lunch, Robyn and I confessed everything about ourselves to each other—stretch marks, smelly feet, bad habits. We wanted to get all the silly stuff out of the way. When we got back in the car, it had rained slightly and the sky was beautiful with sunlight pushing through the rain clouds. I looked over at Robyn. “I love you,” I said. I couldn’t help myself. Saying those words was a relief—an absolutely cathartic experience.
Robyn
I may have loved Kody, but I wasn’t saying it until I was 100 percent sure. Words can be cheap and I wanted to be careful. Now that we were courting, Kody and I started visiting with each other without the company of his wives. It was time to get to know each other better. I didn’t want to be rushed into a marriage and family that was still unfamiliar. I know some people in our faith want a quick courtship and engagement, but I needed to build a better foundation. I didn’t want to go to my wedding day and wedding bed with someone who was a relative stranger. In addition to God’s testimony, I wanted a romantic love.
Some of my sister wives were more interested in the sisterhood than in the husband. But perhaps since I’d been married before, I knew that I needed a man whom I loved, trusted, cherished, and adored. I also knew that asking for and receiving all these things is hard.
During a visit I made to see Kody, I began to pray and fast in order to receive a sign or an affirmation that I was meant to be in his family. I needed something concrete. I knew I was falling in love with him. I felt him breaking down all of my walls. I felt She-Rah putting away her sword. On one of our dates we drove to Thanksgiving Point, a beautiful lookout where Kody had a billboard he was eager to sell.
On this drive, I had a singular experience. I felt my heart start to swell. It seemed to be growing bigger in my chest. It even hurt. I started to feel out of breath, but also at peace, because I was with Kody and he was wonderful. Suddenly, I felt as if the Heavenly Spirit was talking to me. And I knew. This was my affirmation. I knew witho
ut a doubt that this is whom I was meant to marry. I burst into tears. Kody looked at me, wondering what was wrong. Then he began to cry, too. We were both so overcome.
Kody
I had been planning to ask Robyn to marry me on her birthday. But I jumped the gun. A few days before her birthday, she told me that an older and esteemed man in our faith had called to inquire about courting her. This was a shock to my system. I was devastated. I didn’t have the money to marry and support Robyn, but I knew that I would have to find a way. Even though Robyn told the man she knew where she belonged, I was still shaken.
The next day, Robyn and I drove back out to Thanksgiving Point. As we sat there talking, I was overcome with what I believed was God’s spirit. Before I knew what I was doing, I took her hand and asked her to marry me.
When Christine and I got engaged, she told me she wouldn’t kiss me until we were at the altar. After we were married, she realized she had made a mistake and made me promise that if I married again, I’d kiss my next wife before we said our vows. So I took Robyn’s face in my hands and kissed her. Robyn leaped out of the car and began to dance around. She was so happy and joyful. I got out of the car, and she jumped into my arms. This happened on September 26. We wouldn’t get married for six months. Our lives were in upheaval. I couldn’t support Robyn yet. I couldn’t even move her to our town—but I knew God would help me do what it would take to bring our families together when the time was right.
Chapter Five
MERI
Like many women who choose plural marriage, I idealized the nature of sister wives. I was eager for my first sister wife to be my friend in addition to being married to my husband. I never wanted to be in a situation with a sister wife who didn’t want to associate with the rest of the family. As I imagined it, it would be the most natural thing in the world for my sister wives and me to form instantaneous friendships.
Paradoxically, I am reserved but at times can be opinionated, which makes me cautious about quickly forging close relationships with women. In forming friendships and relationships, I need to feel safety and trust with the other person before I feel I can open up to a deep relationship. But when I do, I value them deeply and expect these friendships to last. When Kody and I entered into our first courtship with a young woman we’d been introduced to at a church gathering, I was excited. She and I became close friends right away. This was unusual for me and I immediately took it as a sign that Kody and I were destined to marry her. This girl and I loved hanging out together and spent lots of time on our own without Kody. As I saw it, we were on our way to achieving the sister wife ideal I’d always imagined.
Though sometimes I got jealous of the afternoons she and Kody went off on their own to develop their relationship, I did my best to deal with those feelings maturely. I felt confident that the three of us had a wonderful future together and I was certain that while she would be a great wife to Kody, she would remain one of my best friends.
But things didn’t work out. I was devastated when the courtship soured and she left. Back then we were all so young—she was only eighteen, and Kody and I were in our first year of marriage—so we may have mistaken a crush for love. Nevertheless, I felt personally betrayed. I had lost one of my closest friends, a woman I imagined would have been a perfect sister wife.
We managed to put our failed courtship behind us. Kody and I were still the fun-loving, goofy, and wildly romantic couple we’d always been, but we felt that adding a wife to our family was something we needed to accomplish sooner rather than later in order to make good on our commitment to the principle of plural marriage. This was a promise we made to each other when we married—as much as we loved each other and had a wonderful, stable relationship, we knew that plural marriage was our destiny.
I’m not sure when it became apparent to me that Janelle wanted to join our family. Of course, since she had once been married to my brother, I had known her for several years. We had a cordial relationship. Even after her divorce, I thought of her as a sister-in-law, and it never occurred to me that she would one day be a sister wife.
If Kody had feelings about Janelle that were anything other than platonic, he hadn’t discussed them with me. I knew that he valued her intellect and her work ethic, and he had a deep respect for the way she conducted herself on an emotional level. I was surprised when Janelle approached Kody and asked to come into our family, but not unpleasantly so. After all, she was close to my family already, and she was one of the people Kody and I associated with on a fairly regular basis. So it didn’t seem too far of a stretch to imagine her as a permanent fixture in our lives.
I have to admit, part of me was relieved that Kody and Janelle weren’t a conventionally romantic couple. I didn’t feel that Janelle’s presence in our lives in any way threatened the love Kody and I shared. Their bond was intellectual, which made it easier for me to accept Janelle. If they had been one of those gushy, lovey-dovey couples, who melt at the sight of each other—if they had been the same kind of couple Kody and I were—I would have had a lot more trouble making peace with the idea of her as a sister wife.
I immediately saw that Kody and I would have one type of relationship—the passionate, romantic one we’d always had—while he and Janelle would have another, something more cerebral. This seemed both totally acceptable to me and easier to handle, as our first move into plural marriage.
After nearly three years of monogamous marriage, I was ready for a sister wife, or so I thought. I was happy for Kody that he’d found someone to satisfy his intellectual curiosity, and I was happy for Janelle to have chosen—and to have been chosen by—such a wonderful man after her failed relationship with my brother.
One thing that was difficult was the timing of Kody and Janelle’s wedding—they planned it to take place on my birthday, thinking that it wouldn’t be a big deal. Looking back, I realize a lot of my issues with their marriage were really because I thought they were being extremely insensitive. Birthdays are important to me! I felt like I was being completely overlooked, even when they offered to celebrate their future anniversaries on a different day. It floored me that my husband would think this was a good idea, but it baffled me even more to know that a woman who was wanting to join our family would even think for a minute to do it on the birthday of a future sister wife! Fortunately, Kody’s mom got involved and persuaded them to move their wedding to the day after my birthday.
While I wished them all the happiness in the world, I was not as prepared as I believed myself to be. Kody and Janelle’s courtship was so quick that when their wedding day arrived, I was struck by the realization that I was going to be sharing my husband. It was harder than I thought it would be. No matter how much you are committed to the principle of plural marriage, the first time the reality hits you, it’s a total shock. For three years, Kody and I had been practically inseparable, and now there was going to be a new person in our midst. Permanently.
Their ceremony was simple but touching. I was happy for both of them, but I couldn’t deny my own sadness, especially at the prospect of them leaving for their honeymoon. After all, Kody and I had barely been apart since we married. We spent every possible moment together. Now he was driving off for a week-long trip with another woman. No matter how hard I tried, it was difficult for me to come to terms with this.
Just before Kody left for his honeymoon with Janelle, he pulled me aside and handed me some money. “This is mad money,” he said. “Go out and play. Spend it on whatever you want and enjoy yourself.”
His gesture was so sweet and touching. My plan was to hole up in a hotel room and gorge on television viewing while I tried to make sense of my complicated feelings. Who was I, now that I wasn’t “Meri and Kody”? When my mom and dad realized what I was intending to do, they insisted that I come stay at their house. I resisted at first. I couldn’t imagine being around anyone and burdening them with my emotions. In the end my parents prevailed.
“This is a time when you need peop
le around you,” my mother explained. She knew, without my telling her, how much I was struggling inside.
My parents were completely right—instead of wallowing in a hotel by myself, I needed to be surrounded by family and friends. Despite my sadness, I managed to enjoy myself, which was really important because it made the week pass more quickly. Kody called me every day to check in and to tell me that he loved me.
When Janelle entered the family, Kody and I were still starry-eyed regarding the principle of plural marriage—and marriage in general—so we had no idea how to prepare for the emotional and domestic reality of our new situation. I guess we just assumed that after Kody and Janelle got married and went on their honeymoon, the three of us would live in one house as a big, happy family, and everything would go back to normal. Neither Kody nor I anticipated the need to change our behavior when Janelle came into the house. We didn’t consider how he might have to balance the relationship he had with me with the one he was developing with Janelle. I never took the time to think about how I should open up my space—both physical and emotional—to accommodate a new wife.
I felt as if I was welcoming to Janelle, but I didn’t realize at the time how different our personalities could be. We all moved into a new house about the time of Janelle’s wedding, so I didn’t feel like it was my house, but our house. When we were deciding who would get what bedroom, I offered Janelle the master bedroom, thinking it might be something special to have as a newlywed, while I took the small bedroom at the back of the house. I didn’t realize then that Janelle wasn’t the type to speak up for what she needed, so I don’t know whether this was something that was important to her, or even appreciated. I assumed that Janelle would feel free to behave with Kody the same way I was with him, and I didn’t realize I needed to change my behavior sometimes as well.
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