“No.”
Rather than argue, she squatted and did her business, washed her hands and looked at me with expectation.
“You can shower in the morning. We need sleep. Her mass begins at eleven.”
Mari gasped. “Mass? Aurelio, he took her for help.” While I was fairly certain she had already realized Yesnia’s fate, an actual mass made it real without a doubt.
“Not. In. Time.” I clipped each word, fighting my own despair. I blew out a breath. “They didn’t make it in time. Tomorrow, we mourn. Tonight, we pretend to sleep.”
She dropped to her knees in front of me. “No,” she cried out beating on the unforgiving tile floor beneath her. “She’s not gone. God help me, she can’t be.”
I knew scheduling it so quickly would be hard. I also knew I couldn’t give anything time. Maricio was on the run. The longer I waited, the more distance he put between us. I needed to end him. It was only a matter of time before he came for me once again.
Scooping her up, I carried her to the bed. She curled into herself. Rather than fight the cuffs, she kept her hands close to her body. I let her have the play instead of fighting to shackle her to the headboard. I moved to the other side of the bed, discarding my shoes and settling in beside her.
I laid in the bed with Mari only inches from me. I didn’t move to comfort her. I didn’t do anything but lay on my back with my eyes to the ceiling and listen to her sob.
The hours passed and eventually she crashed.
The exhaustion won for her. I wondered if she found peace in her sleep. I could only stare. There was no serenity to be found or felt.
I was blank.
My mind was a prison of torturous thoughts.
Daylight peeked in and I rose from the bed. In the last forty-eight hours, I had held my daughter as she took her last breaths. I had fallen apart, and then cleaned myself up without being able to throw out the clothing covered in her blood. I tried on three different occasions but I couldn’t do it. So the clothes I wore in the driveway as Yesnia struggled for air were still in a hamper in my bathroom. I might have dozed off, getting only an hour of sleep as I laid staring at the ceiling. There was no way to prepare myself for today. I had Carla, my housekeeper, go pick up clothes and things for Mari as well as ready the house for the mourning guests. Everything was in order. It truly pained me to know what was about to happen. This was goodbye. Leaving Mari sleeping, I went to my room and dressed for the service. From head to toe, I was cloaked in black.
My bedroom door opened and my mother entered. “Is it true?”
I nodded unable to speak.
“Hijo, my heart breaks.”
“Mine too. Mari is in the spare room. I had Carla take a dress to her. Today will be hard for her, Mamá.” I paused so that my mother would take in my next sentence. “You will bring her no comfort. Not today, not tomorrow, not next week nor next year.”
“Hijo, hate in your heart will solve nothing.”
I shook my head at her, silencing the conversation. “I didn’t start this, but I will finish it. She gets nothing from you.”
My mother looked at me and the pain in her eyes was not hidden. “You may control many men, Javier Almanza. You may have wealth and possessions, but you do not get to tell me as your mother what I will or will not do. If Mari needs my empathy, she will have it.” She took a deep breath. “We are all covered in darkness, sadness. The sympathy is our bond. I will give her what she needs as a mother and as my hija. You will stand down and allow me to do so. For the man I raised you to be was not hard. While life may have given us many challenges, you were not raised to punish a woman. Mari will have rights as a mother today. She will have the respect of a mother. You will give her your hand, your arm, and your shoulder as the mother of your only child.”
“Get out!” I ordered and she nodded, but didn’t make a move to leave.
“Listen to me, son, you are a strong man. A ruthless man in business, but Mari has had enough heartbreak. Do not give her more.”
Without another word, she left me alone with my thoughts.
They were dark thoughts. The kind that could push a man to do things that would change far too many lives. I was barely holding on.
Within an hour, we were loaded into the limo. Mari said nothing and neither did I. She wore the black gown I selected with a black veil covering her face.
We arrived at the Catholic Church. Everyone exited the car one by one. Luciana had flown in overnight and was holding our mother’s hand. As Mari started to get out, I grabbed her arm. She flinched at the contact.
Turning to me, she met my eyes and for the briefest of moments, I wanted to kiss her. She was the mother of my child. She was the one woman who knew me before I was tainted with the bitterness of betrayal.
Her betrayal.
Maricio’s betrayal.
God’s betrayal.
I was cloaked in the bad as much as I was covered in black today.
“Javi,” Mari said my name in a whisper.
“Today, you are Yesnia’s mother. I am her father. The past in the past. We will mourn our daughter. Everything between us doesn’t matter.”
Tears formed behind her veil. “Thank you.”
“Thank my mother. While you have broken her heart, she still cares. For her you get to mourn. For Yesnia, you get to mourn. For me, you get today and today only.”
Mari looked at me. Her eyes met mine. The sadness was not shielded. “I will mourn all my days. You will mourn all of yours. While our stories may be different, Javi, our love for our daughter is the same. The pain we feel today is everlasting. Give me your greatest pain, give me Hell. Give me your hatred. But none of it will touch the pain I feel in being without Yesnia. The loss is too great. For in my womb she grew, in my body her heart began to beat. In my arms she cried, she laughed, she lived. In my soul she will forever be missed. So, Javier Almanza, how about you take today and you mourn. You mourn the life lost. You mourn the love lost. You mourn for the pain you have caused so many.”
Her words cut me like knives. I fired back, “Her blood was spilled by your brother and you tell me how she lived in your arms. You have some nerve, Mari.”
“Hate me today, hate me tomorrow, but, Javier Almanza, first hate yourself,” she retorted with venom in every word. “Your world broke my brother and stole my daughter. If you think that in this pain, I’ll forgive you for your part in this, you are mistaken. Now today we will put it all aside and mourn. Our daughter was a light in the darkness. Today we celebrate her light because tomorrow I assure you we are both going to drown in the darkness.”
With those words, she exited the car and I was left feeling like I didn’t have the upper hand. This made me uneasy.
Chapter Four
Mari Belle
The mass was exhausting. I wasn’t prepared. Her casket was a blush color. It remained closed, which pained me further.
I ran my fingers over the edges. Tracing every line of the casket, I took it in. The feel was hard and smooth. Unforgiving, firm. Final.
I didn’t get to see her beautiful face one last time. I didn’t get to press a soft kiss to her cheek, no matter how cold it would have been. Instead, I got to look at a box containing her body.
It was too much.
I didn’t feel closure. I just felt lost. Everything was out of control. Life was out of my grasp. I had nothing left but anger and hatred. No, I didn’t find closure at my daughter’s mass.
Although, I didn’t imagine I ever would.
We all rode in the limo back to Javier’s home. I wanted to leave but where could I go? I had no money, no contacts. Hell, I didn’t even have a change of clothes that belonged to me.
It was all a blur. The fight I had moments before I entered the church vanished when I saw that box.
The box holding my daughter’s body.
There were moments in life you never forgot. Your first boyfriend. Your first kiss. The way your grandmother’s house smelled. The way
your mom called your name when you were in trouble. The moment you realized you fell in love. The moment you held your baby for the first time.
Love.
Life.
The tangled tornado swirled.
I gave her life. Breath of my breath filled her tiny lungs as she grew in my belly.
Now, she was no more.
I couldn’t wrap my heart around it, even as my head screamed all control was gone.
When we returned to Javier’s home, I was numb. Without hesitation I went to the room he had housed me in since Yesnia’s death. Climbing into bed, I curled into a ball.
The memories flooded.
My heart ached.
Javi entered the room. I didn’t look up. I so badly wanted to be alone. I didn’t have the energy for more shit from him.
“Change your clothes,” he ordered making his way to me.
I didn’t meet his gaze. I didn’t move.
“Mari, change your clothes,” he commanded in a sterner tone.
Again, I remained in place.
“We’ve had a long day. You need rest.”
“No,” I croaked out. “No.”
He sighed. “Fine. You can stay in the dress. You can stay awake. We talk.”
“You have guests.” I reminded him of the people downstairs with their food and wishes of peace for Javi and his family. His many business associates that came to show their respects. A few even said they were surprised to learn of Javier’s daughter and they understood his desire to protect her by never acknowledging her.
I wanted to scream. I wanted to tell them he was no father. He betrayed me and because of his power struggles with my brother, I lost my daughter, not his. Yesnia was not his. She was mine.
I knew it was a fight I wouldn’t win so instead, I remained stoic. I let my emotions remain on my daughter instead of the ugly world where Javi lived.
He moved to sit on the bed beside me. “They aren’t guests. They are family. The business I’m in, those are the people I trust to know that I had a daughter in the first place. They won’t question my absence.”
I sat up. “Can I be alone?”
“No,” he replied curtly. “You had over twenty years with her, Mari. I had a moment. You owe me years.”
“I owe you nothing,” I fired back at him feeling my temper rise.
“This pain, Mari.” He clutched his chest. “This pain inside, it shreds my soul. You had years. I want the memories.”
Fury exploded through me. “You can’t take my memories, Javi. You have taken me from my life. Cost me my daughter’s life. You have shackled me to a bed, told me what to wear. You have put me through Hell and now you want my memories. Sorry, they aren’t available.”
He sat back silently pondering.
“You have taken my love and thrown it away. You have taken my life and thrown it away. You do not get to take my memories and throw them away. It’s all I have left of her.”
His single dark eye met mine. The pain was written in his face. The scar that covered his face, a reminder of my brother taking his eye, hit me square in my soul. Javier knew pain. He knew betrayal. But this, I couldn’t give him what he was asking. It was mine. Those memories were mine. Yesnia kept me going on the darkest of days. I couldn’t share all of that with him.
“Listen to me carefully, Mari. I did not throw a fuckin’ thing away. We get one life. I’ve lived mine protecting those I love the best I could. Maricio was not someone I could protect you from, or Yesnia from. That was my mistake. My greatest regret will always be not ending him when I knew he was out of control. I gave him too much space for far too long. Even before you were gone, I made excuses for him and covered for him when I should have ended him. That is my mistake. My greatest mistake.”
“I hate you both,” I told him frankly.
His lips curled into a small half smile. “Hate is a powerful emotion. It fuels our passion to hurt. It is a fire burning strong, giving us a will and focus to continue on a path, rather than fall apart. Hate is not a bad thing, Mari. Whoever told you it was is a liar. For in hate we find drive.”
I thought about his words. I let his anguish engulf me. We were both hurting. We were both grieving a loss so deep it was impossible to find a way out.
We were in the darkness, drowning together.
“Maricio was jealous of you,” I told him. “I didn’t see it. I should have. I should have known my brother was hurting and lonely. I should have felt his pain. With everything we had been through, I should have picked up on the way he looked at you. For everything good you ever had, Maricio wished you pain.”
Javi shrugged his shoulders. “You should realize I was no different than him.”
While yes, Javi and Maricio were similar in their fearlessness. They were so very different. Maricio was wild, while Javi was calculating. Maricio was reckless where Javi was in control. No, as much as they were both driven by our poverty to do things some couldn’t imagine, they were so very different in the type of men they were.
Javi thought for a long moment. “I knew for far too long, Maricio was drowning and I didn’t stop him,” he explained to me. “Paco, he had a bond with Maricio. When Miguel caught Maricio shorting some of the stash transactions, it should have been the end of my brother. He had started snorting the coke, Paco lied saying Maricio was training to test batches rather than let Miguel end him. Maricio was Paco’s golden boy, destined for great things. But Miguel Silvia didn’t get where he got in this world by being stupid. Paco took over. That is the sole thing that saved Maricio’s life. Whether you believe, or he believes it, doesn’t matter. If Miguel Silvia remained the head of the cartel, there is no doubt Maricio would have been killed.”
I knew it back then, too. Maricio had been out of control even then. “I panicked. I shouldn’t have gone with Maricio. It all happened so fast. I was afraid.”
Javi nodded. “Did you know you were pregnant when you left?”
I shook my head. “No, I didn’t find out until later. He kept me chained to a bed. I thought the fatigue and sickness I felt was stress induced. It took a few months before I figured it out.”
“Tell me about her,” Javi demanded.
“No, I can’t,” I muttered feeling deflated.
Anger flashed in his eyes. In a split second, he was up and cuffing me to the bed. “You’ll stay here until you decide to share with me her life.”
He left the room. The anger was intense, but so was my pain. I wasn’t ready to go there. I wasn’t ready to cherish her life and relive her moments knowing there would be no more.
I should have given him what he wanted. Only it was too raw, too soon, and all too much to share.
While I missed Yesnia, motherhood had not been easy. It seemed like at every turn I did something wrong. Javi didn’t get to make me relive my mistakes. No one did. I was not in the headspace to go back in time with him or with anyone.
If that meant I spent the rest of my days in this room, chained to this bed, so be it. He wouldn’t break me because I was already broken when my daughter left this life.
Luciana came into the room not long after Javi left. She unlocked my restraints without a word.
I didn’t know what to say and apparently neither did she.
After a few awkward moments, she met my gaze. Her eyes were filled with unshed tears. As I looked deep into them, I saw Yesnia’s eyes, Javi’s eyes, and it pained me more.
“I can’t begin to imagine your pain, Mari.” She spoke to me softly and slowly as if it hurt her to even form the words.
I didn’t reply.
“I know Javi is being well, Javi. He’s a bit over the top and obviously isn’t letting you out. And I know that has to hurt you as well.” She struggled to keep her own emotions in check.
My hand shot up, silencing her. “If you are here to tell me to forgive your brother, then you need to leave. If you are here to try to justify anything he has done, you need to leave. While I may be stuck here, I don’t hav
e to listen to anyone tell me Javier Almanza is some kind of good man.”
She gave a strangled chuckle. “My brother is anything but a good man.”
My eyes grew wide at her admission.
“I know everything about him and his world. He’s a criminal. Most likely a murderer. He’s fearless and ruthless. He’s an asshole who takes what he wants without hesitation.”
I nodded my agreement. I couldn’t believe Luciana was saying all of this to me.
“Mari, he’s all things bad in a world full of violence, destruction, and disloyalty. The only person he depends on is himself. He’s watched people close to him die for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. He’s watched strong men crumble under less weight than he carries. Javi worked his way up from the dirt to the very top of his empire. You may not understand him. You may not even like him. But, you must respect him.”
I started to speak, but she threw her hand up this time.
“And in turn, he will respect you,” she continued on not missing a beat. “A lot of years have passed. A lot of things have changed. If you can’t see where he is coming from, how can you ever expect him to see you? And yes, Mari, you want Javi to see you. Not the woman he lost. Not the woman who stayed with the brother who betrayed him. Not even the mother of his child. If you want Javier to see Mari Belle Dominguez for the woman you are today, then you must respect the man he is today because the world you are in, Mari, is his world. The world your brother put you in is Javier’s world. The sooner you accept this and bend to it, the quicker life will become much easier for you to manage.”
I took in the words she said. It was all overwhelming. Once upon a time, I wanted to be a woman who stood strong behind her man. Now, I just wanted my daughter back. I wanted a second chance to be her mom. I wanted just one more opportunity to tell her I loved her.
“Javi sent me to unlock you. He has more clothing being delivered. Should you choose to leave, you should know he will find you. All he wants is to know his daughter and you are the key to giving that to him.”
It was my turn to give a strangled laugh. “Always your brother’s keeper, Luciana.”
Cartel Queen (Almanza Crime Family Duet Book 2) Page 4