However my fears about the race took a back seat the moment I saw Juliet on the Friday. In a weird way, spending time with somebody who wasn’t a reminder of how flimsy the friendships I’d made with the staff might be lifted the weight that had been growing heavier as the return to school approached.
‘What’s up with you?’ Juliet asked after a very long hug in the doorway of the Governor’s Lounge. ‘You’re being all … clingy.’
‘Nah, that was you,’ I said.
She raised an eyebrow. ‘Is that a serial killer thing? Squeezing someone to death?’
‘No, but I did finish the second book and it was so bloody good.’
‘Bloody sounds about right.’
‘Seriously, you should read them. Hannibal is such a —’
‘Nelson, if I’m going to read it won’t be a book about serial killers.’
‘You seem to like me despite thinking I’m a serial killer,’ I said as we headed to the couches.
‘Well, you haven’t serial killed me yet,’ she said. ‘But I swear, the moment you do, we’re through.’
I laughed, then wondered if ‘we’re through’ meant what I thought it meant. Then I wondered if I looked like the kind of person who was wondering that and so I laughed again as if none of it was a big deal.
‘Okay, now that was creepy,’ Juliet said as we sat. ‘So how’ve you been? Met any gorgeous girls?’
Guilt, that little dagger in the gut, dug deeper. ‘There are a few who come up here, yeah.’
‘Some of the staff are pretty hot actually,’ Juliet added. ‘And you’re sleeping with them, aren’t you?’
That made me blush horribly. ‘No, not … not sleeping with them. Just like … I mean, we’re in different rooms. We just sometimes share a shower and stuff.’
‘You share a shower?’ Juliet’s eyebrows shot up.
‘No!’ I raised my hands, panicked now. ‘No, like, we … There are cubicles and … Oh man, I’m sounding crazy.’
‘You always sound crazy,’ Juliet said. ‘But that sounds crazier. You’re fourteen! And they’re, like, twenty. That’s so old. There’s got to be a law against that.’
‘Well, nobody’s … seeing anything,’ I said, wishing desperately I didn’t have to keep explaining this. ‘It’s all … you know … I’ve got a room to myself.’
‘That’s obviously a lie you made up for that tool, Dan,’ she said. ‘I bet you’re stuck in a dorm with, like, thirty guys.’
‘For a start there aren’t thirty people working here,’ I said. ‘And they’re definitely not all guys.’
‘Based on your shower adventures, I guess you’re the expert.’
I gave her the finger.
‘Well that’s convincing,’ she said. ‘Sorry Nel. I’ll believe it when I see it.’
‘Fine,’ I said. ‘Come see it.’
For just a moment, we held each other’s gaze. Juliet bit her lip, so briefly I might have missed it, then nodded. ‘Alright.’
Something in the air had changed. It was like a kind of electric current was running through me as we started to walk. Was I imagining it, or did Juliet look as stiff and uncertain as I did? What if somebody was in the staff room? What was I supposed to say?
But it was the height of dinner service and the staff room was empty; for better or worse, Juliet and I had a clear path into the accommodation quarters.
I tried not to look at her as we walked down the hall to my room. I tried not to think about what state I’d left it in. I tried to look calm as I opened the door and together we walked in.
Juliet took a couple of steps ahead. I wondered whether I should close the door or not, then took the chance.
She sat on the lower bunk, looking around. ‘This is … small,’ she said, with a tiny giggle that might have been nervous.
I sat next to her. Why was I shaking?
‘Well, like I said, it’s … just me.’ I looked at her. She looked at me. ‘Believe me now?’ I managed.
It was so slow. The briefest move from her, then from me. It was like I was on fire, like flames pulsed through every inch of me, making me want to run and scream and be nowhere ever again but here and now.
Our lips met. It felt … Well, I don’t know how I expected it to feel, but not like this. Her kiss was gentle, tentative, like she didn’t know what she was doing. Which made me feel better, because I didn’t know what I was doing either.
We pulled apart. I put an arm around her. She was trembling too. Our eyes locked again.
The second time was deeper. Then the third. Then we were holding each other close, exploring, barely able to let go as we kissed again and again, and that current had grown so powerful I could barely keep it under control.
She pulled back. Her cheeks were flushed, her breathing shallow.
‘I … I should get back,’ she said. ‘My parents and stuff.’
‘Right.’ I nodded. ‘Right. Yeah.’
I moved in for another kiss, but she was up and hurrying out the door.
I closed my eyes. I replayed it all in my head. Then again, and again. It was like my heart was swelling, beating with that pulsing current.
I lay back on the bed and laughed.
16
There were no more kisses that weekend. When I saw Juliet again on Saturday night it was almost as though nothing had happened. Almost. I would have been scared her feelings had changed, if it wasn’t for the smiles we were both trying to keep off our faces, or the occasional laugh and quick look away. And that, honestly, was enough. We weren’t ignoring what had happened; we just didn’t need to bring it up.
The first thing I had to do after Juliet left on Sunday morning was find Matt and fill him in on what had happened. I hadn’t seen him around at all that weekend, and only had until Sunday evening to catch him before I headed home to Snow Point for the first week back at school. I also had to qualify for a ski race that afternoon, but frankly the whole kissing situation was crowding that out of my mind.
Matt wasn’t working in the kitchen. Thinking I would retrace my steps, I returned to the staff room to find Ash and Hayley facing each other. Hayley’s face was puffy and tear-streaked, while Ash’s was closed off and defensive. She had her arms crossed. Neither noticed me.
‘I’m only going to ask one more time,’ Hayley said, her voice wavering. ‘And don’t lie to me, okay?’
‘I’m not lying to you,’ Ash said. ‘You asked if I went near your boyfriend. Last I checked, you were single. Last I checked, so was I. And so was he.’
‘Last I checked, we were friends,’ Hayley snarled. ‘And you know what friends don’t do?’
Ash saw me just as I started to back out the door.
‘Hi Nelson,’ she said.
Hayley spun to face me. I did my best to smile but was pretty sure I got it all wrong.
‘Hey guys, sorry, didn’t mean to intrude. I’m just —’
‘You seen Matt?’ Hayley asked. ‘Ash won’t tell me where he is.’
‘No, I …’ I looked between them, struggling to think of anything to say. Whatever I’d walked in on here was really nothing I wanted anything to do with. I was trying to figure out a way to say that without upsetting anyone, but Hayley was already marching towards me.
‘Fine,’ she said. ‘Nelson, let’s go.’
‘Let’s go … where?’
‘Out. We’re hitting the slopes and getting away from this hellhole and these goddamned liars.’
She grabbed me by the shoulder and guided me out the door. I managed a glance back at Ash as we left. She watched after us, looking miserable.
‘Is everything okay?’ I asked.
‘Everything isn’t okay,’ she said. ‘But right now I don’t want to talk about that. You’re going to keep me distracted.’
I wanted to tell her that I should be getting ready for qualifying for the Whitt, but that didn’t seem a great idea. Nor did mentioning Juliet or asking where I could find Matt. My safest bet was to do whatever she wanted and hope I di
dn’t get caught in the crossfire.
After awkwardly getting changed in the downstairs drying room, we grabbed our skis, crossed the road to the main run, and were away. I tried to enjoy the view from the lift, but with heavy fog there wasn’t much of a view to enjoy and so I was left to sit there and try to work out what to say to Hayley to keep her distracted. I didn’t have much in the way of material. My mind kept returning to the kiss with Juliet, and several times I had to stop myself just blurting out what had happened. I felt like that might be insensitive.
After several runs, however, the tension was getting unbearable. Hayley wasn’t making any attempt at conversation, and what I could see of her face behind her goggles was drawn and angry. I might as well have not been there, but I wasn’t going to point out the fact.
Finally, when we were settled on the lift that took us to the top of the Summit Run, she spoke.
‘Promise me something, Nelson.’
‘What?’
The lift tilted beneath us and I tried to keep my head down against the bracing, biting wind.
‘Promise me you’ll never be an arsehole.’
I blinked at her, confused. ‘I can try.’
‘No.’ She looked at me. ‘Don’t try. Do it. There are too many arseholes in the world and you’re too decent to be one of them.’ She exhaled. ‘Sorry for dragging you out here. I just … I don’t know. I don’t know what I was thinking.’
I said nothing. I wasn’t brave enough.
Hayley shook her head. ‘I just don’t know why … I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Like, guys see the way I look and assume … Well, I have no idea what they assume. That I’ll just find another guy so I won’t care that they hurt me. Or maybe I just seem pathetic.’ She laughed. It was a horrible sound.
‘I don’t think you seem pathetic.’
‘Well, I feel it. I thought … I mean, I know these seasonal flings have a use-by date, but, I dunno … I guess I thought this was different. I thought he was different.’
She tapped a gloved finger against the metal bar. I looked up and tried to gauge how long until we reached the top of the slope.
‘It’s just, I would never do something like this,’ she said. ‘I would never lead someone on and then screw their friend behind their back. Never. I can’t understand anybody who would. Especially not somebody who seemed …’ There was a thickness to her voice now. ‘Well, anyway. Someone like Matt.’
I kept my eyes on the distant lift station. I’d been trying to hold the obvious at arm’s-length, but it was kind of difficult to work around. Apart from the fact that I wasn’t sure how to feel about it, I was sure that I was entirely unqualified to have this conversation.
‘Maybe you just … Maybe it’s all a misunderstanding,’ I said. ‘Maybe you just need to talk to him.’
She snorted. ‘Nel, I know that you look up to Matt, but he’s a bad guy. And look, chances are he wasn’t always. Chances are, when he was your age or a bit older another bad guy made him think this was the way to be, and so on and so on. Because it seems to me that there’s an age where nice kids become crap adults, and once that’s the case, there’s no going back.’
I shifted in my seat. What was I supposed to say? That there was no way I would be like that? I didn’t think I was a jerk or ever would be one, but then Adele would be coming up next weekend and I hadn’t even thought about telling her that I’d kissed Juliet. Or telling Juliet that there was a chance I wasn’t quite the skier I’d made myself out to be. I didn’t know how to tell them.
The end of the lift was close at last. Hayley raised the bar.
‘Anyway,’ she said. ‘Just … be better. That’s all.’
Together we skied off the chair and cut across to the top of the slope. Hayley planted her poles in the snow and leaned against them. Her eyes were locked on something.
I came up beside her and followed her gaze.
‘You ever done the Summit Jump?’ she asked.
I almost laughed. ‘No way.’
The Summit Jump ran parallel to the Summit Run, peaking at about two metres from the slope itself. It was a towering monstrosity built out of a huge amount of snow, and every year people with death wishes ended up breaking bones going over it. I mean, I hadn’t met anyone who had broken any bones on the Summit Jump, but they had to exist. Looking at it from any angle made that much obvious.
‘Want to give it a go?’ Hayley asked.
‘I like being alive.’
This time Hayley’s laugh sounded closer to the one I knew. ‘Come on, Nel. Live a little.’ She pushed off down the slope, veering towards the jump.
I skied after her, then realised if I followed the same trajectory I would end up doing the jump, which was the exact opposite of what I wanted. I shifted to the side, skied down until I was directly parallel to the jump, then stopped. From here, Hayley looked tiny; a pink dot in her bright ski gear. I quietly willed her to change her mind, but it was too late. She was going for the jump.
I did my best not to cover my eyes as she hit the base, jerked upwards, rocketed for the edge without slowing down, then soared out into empty sky.
Everything seemed to slow. I waited for the fall, for the moment she would crumple on the ground. But she just kept flying. And then —
In mid-air, Hayley spun. A full 360. Her skis hit the ground just as she completed it … she seemed momentarily unbalanced, but didn’t fall.
She curved around, away from the jump, and came to a halt further down the slope. I sped down to join her.
‘That was amazing!’ I said as she lifted her goggles.
Her face was flushed but she didn’t look close to crying any more. She was grinning like crazy. ‘Not bad, hey?’
It was, I thought as we returned to the lift, more than not bad. It had been something closer to glorious.
I’d never entered a ski race before and had no clue what to expect. The gloomy grey clouds and thickening fog as I traversed the slopes to Qualifying didn’t seem like a great omen, and I felt a sharp drop in my stomach when I saw how many people were gathered around the small marquee that had been set up at the top of the Family Spur. On some level I’d known that a ski race involved spectators – I mean, that was the point of trying to do well – but seeing how many people had gathered just to watch the Qualifying brought the reality of the whole thing thudding home.
At the very least, Dad, despite his encouragements, hadn’t been able to get away from work to watch the impending catastrophe.
But I only paused for a moment before skiing over and making my way through the chatting crowd to the marquee. Inside, a trestle table was piled with papers lined with the names of everyone who had applied for the race. Hoping I sounded more confident than I probably looked, I gave my name to the harried man marking people off, then shuffled out of the marquee to take my place in line near the pair of red flags that marked the beginning of the course.
There were about five people ahead of me. I tried to resist watching their performances; a good one was bound to send me running. But weirdly, catching a glimpse of the attempts ahead of me had the effect of slightly loosening the knot in my chest. I was faster than that, right? I smiled and bounced a little in my boots. This was fine. I could do this.
The course was as I’d expected: small neon flags placed in a zigzag arrangement down the length of the slope, to where the run curved. I’d have to manoeuvre around them, keeping close and turning sharply. Exactly what Hayley and I had practised. My hands tightened around my poles. I could do this.
I turned to see how many people were now gathered behind me and froze. It took me a full two seconds to collect myself and snap back forward, hoping I hadn’t been seen or, worse, recognised.
‘Nelson?’
I closed my eyes, internally kicking myself. Then, doing my best impersonation of a relaxed smile, I turned. Three spots behind me in the line was Jackson Riley, beaming at me as he waved. Somehow he even seemed to make ski gear look cool and not
bulky.
‘Hey man,’ I managed.
‘You trying out for the Whitt too?’ he asked.
I nodded.
‘Best of luck, dude.’ He almost sounded like he meant it. ‘See you on the other side!’
Fat chance. I’d be straight onto the lift and gone the moment I hit the bottom.
Now that I thought about it, I probably should have guessed that someone from school would give the Whitt a go. But I hadn’t. Doing the Whitt was one thing when the only people who’d see it were those on the mountain. But now I’d get back from the school holidays to find everyone laughing in my face about the fact that I thought I’d had a chance in a race like this.
Buried memories came racing back. The school swimming carnival last year, when I’d bellyflopped into freezing water while everyone else pulled off semi-graceful dives, hit the halfway mark roughly when the others were climbing out of the water, and ultimately had to be pulled out after the very public realisation that I’d overestimated my swimming abilities. Then there was the cross-country run a couple of months back, when Pat and I had come joint last.
There was only one person ahead of me in the line now. I looked past him, down the length of the run. Had it seemed so big before?
Beyond the curve I could see trees and the shapes of neighbouring mountains. Maybe I could skip the turn and just keep going into the wilderness. Start a new life as a hermit somewhere.
A beep sounded. The person in front of me took off. I didn’t watch their progress. I shuffled into place and wondered if it was too late to pull out. Although if Jackson Riley reported that back to the school, it wouldn’t look much better.
The problem was, I knew that Jackson telling the school he’d seen me here wouldn’t be a malicious thing. He was one of those people who was nice to everyone while only actually being friends with the coolest of the cool. There just wasn’t much to dislike in his impenetrable armour of awesome: he was good at every sport he tried, played guitar, had half the girls in the school drooling over him, and somehow managed decent marks as well. All of which would have made him easy to dislike if he wasn’t so likeable.
The True Colour of a Little White Lie Page 10