by Asrai Devin
He didn’t know how she reacted because he fled the room as fast as possible. He closed the door on his own refuge and took a few deep breaths.
His heart pounded through his back to slam against the door. He pulled open the fastener on his pants and let them fall. He wrapped his hand around his erection and stroked it slowly.
He could still smell her on his shirt, on his hand. He breathed it in and imagined he kissed her. she kissed him back. He touched her. She touched him. With her legs wrapped around him, he imagined sinking into her, claiming her as his own, loving her. And her loving him back.
Recalling his name on her lips pushed him over the edge. He shuddered his desire into his hand.
That was wrong. So very wrong.
So why did it feel so damned right?
Selene rolled around her bed after Ben ran out of her room like he was late for a meeting. His scent and warmth lingered in her room. He sat on her bed with his arms wrapped around her; for several minutes she was plastered to his side. If she had tipped her head back a little, she would have been in the right position to kiss him. She didn’t dare because she knew it would freak him out.
Fuck, it would have freaked her out. They were near strangers. They needed time to become friends again before she jumped into getting physical. But she wanted to touch and taste him badly, she ached for him. She had never felt an ache like him. No one else could affect her like Ben.
She had to decide if she liked the new scruffy look. The Ben she remembered was clean shaven with short hair. Now his hair curled around his ears, and his face was covered in stubble. She’d have awhile to get accustomed. She wondered how the stubble would feel against her face.
That night four years ago, he was clean shaven. They spent Christmas vacation catching up, and that night she sought him out for his familar comfort. Back then the guest room was in the basement and Kent was upstairs. Since then, Kent had moved to the basement room. Back then it was her hang out. She used to make out without her high school boyfriend down there.
James the gigantic jerk who dumped her during the summer four years ago. A couple of months later, Ben came home for Christmas after leaving to start his business in Ontario. His visit was the first time she’d been happy since James broke her heart. Then, as now, she wanted more time with him. She went to him four years ago, knocking on his bedroom door. But they sat in the seating area that had a TV for gaming and movies.
He talked about his plans for his company. She talked about him her plans for college and what she would do afterward. As their discussion went on, she was drawn to him, until she was cuddled next to him. He put his arm around her, as he might with a date, a girlfriend. A lover.
The thought of being Ben’s lover made her flutter. She took a few slow breaths, waiting for her heart to slow down. She imagined being in his arms again that always relaxed her. She could easily fall asleep with him. Would he hold her while she slept? She yawned. “Can I sleep here with you?”
“Do you want me to carry you up to bed?”
She pouted at him. “No more snuggles?” Physical affection had stopped between them when she was eight, she was too old, too cool for that. But this wasn’t childlike affection, this was a new dynamic.
He kissed her nose, but his voice was gruff. “Selene.” A warning. His eyes were dangerously dark instead of their usual golden-brown.
She waited for him to say she was too young, too innocent. She wanted to pretend she was innocent. But she wasn’t, her intentions were carnal, adult. Almost too much for her to handle at barely eighteen. She could barely breathe.
He remained silent for a few heartbeats. He leaned his forehead against hers and whispered her name.
Her pulse sped up. “You are my favorite person in the world. I miss you. Why did you go so far away?”
“Lots of reasons. Manufacturing, contacts.” He cupped her neck. “You’re young. You will be busy with school. All the boys will be chasing you, and you’ll be partying and pulling all-night study sessions. You won’t even know I’m gone.”
Her gut clenched. “I’ll know.” She was part of him. Couldn’t he see that?
“You won’t have time for me.”
“I’ll always have time for you.” She stuck out her bottom lip and crossed her arms over her stomach.
“You can always call me. Anytime, day or night.” He rubbed his nose against hers and she wasn’t sure if he was disagreeing or indulging in affection. His mouth tipped forward, or maybe she made the first move. That was a blur now, but their lips came together gently. She froze, he brushed across a few times.
She put her arms around his neck.
“I’m not good enough for you,” he said against her lips. A heartbeat later, he claimed her mouth. Nothing could have prepared her for his kiss. It was full of emotion she didn’t understand then. She understood now what it was like to want something you couldn’t have.
But it wasn’t an all-or-nothing prospect. She could accept his job, move and live with him for a few months, and work with him. She could be in his life every day. She could get to know him again. She could love him in her own way.
She fell in love with him when he kissed her, her previous heartbreak a sudden distant memory. She was foolish, a girl. As if she knew what real love was, she thought she had with James. Not that she knew now either. She had dated a few boys after her kiss with Ben but never got serious. None of it felt real, none of it felt the way she did when she was with Ben.
The bathroom door opened and closed, breaking her out of the memory. Ben. He was down the hallway. The bathroom was right between their bedrooms. A few feet of space separating them, but he might as well be in Ontario for all his was available to ease the ache he was responsible for creating. Feelings he didn’t reciprocate. Not anymore. That was proof he wanted her once, but he moved on and now all she had was her foolish fantasy.
She had two choices. Research his company, or touch herself and release her feelings.
She wiggled her sweats off under the blankets. What if she hadn’t slammed the door on him and put on pants? What if she invited him in her underwear and pressed herself against him? What would his lips feel like now? Had he practiced kissing the last four years? Would he be turned off when he found her inexperienced?
Now was not the time for reality. Fantasy Ben enjoyed her innocence, he instructed her on how to kiss. His hands roaming her body, sliding her tank top off, his hands on her naked skin.
She rolled to her belly so she could press her mouth into her pillow while she pretended the fingers sliding into her panties were his. Wetting her fingertip in her arousal for him, she dragged the slick digit around her clit.
Her pillow absorbed her whimpers as she thrust a finger inside herself. Ben’s face over her, his voice in her ear, were the only stimulus she needed to push her over the edge.
She moaned his name, testing it out as she shuddered with pleasure. Her heart clenched. She was so confused. She was in love. And she didn’t know what to do.
Chapter 5
On Christmas eve Kim sent Dan and Ben to the store to pick up some last-minute groceries. It was all going smoothly until Dan flat out asked, “What are your intentions with Selene?”
Had Ben been driving, he probably would have crashed. Fortunately, he had time to suppress his shock. “What?”
“Ben, I’ve been your older brother for thirty-two years.”
“What does that mean?”
“I see how you look at her.”
“How do I look at her?”
“You love her.”
“Is that a surprise to anyone? I’ve loved her since the minute I walked into this house. Like a little sister.”
“You don’t look at her like a little sister, Ben.”
What did Dan think of him? This was Selene.
“I didn’t ask her to move in with me so I could seduce her.” He wished he could do that. He wanted her to be his. It wasn’t about sex, it was about Selene. Being the on
e to make her smile, the one to make her moan. He swallowed as he reached for the temperature controls, the car was suddenly overheated. Sex crossed his mind, but at the very back. He was a man with desires.
What Dan thought of his younger brother was exactly what it was. Ben wanted Selene. Innocent, pure Selene and he wanted to corrupt her. At least if it was him, he would take care of her, treat her like a princess. Another guy might ruin her innocence. Someone else might break her trust and leave her cynical.
“I know that. I think career wise it’s great for both of you. You’ve needed an assistant for ages, I am tired of hearing how much you need one. And she gets an opportunity of a lifetime. What happened four years ago?”
“Nothing. I’ve been busy for four years.”
Dan ignored his protest. “It wasn’t more than kissing was it? She was eighteen four years ago.”
Ben bit back a growl. “Fine, we kissed. It was nothing. It was not why I stayed away.”
Dan shook his head. “I don’t need to threaten you with harm. Kim will take care of that if you hurt her.”
“If she was anyone else in the world, I’d marry her next week. But this is Selene. Nothing, and I mean nothing, is going to happen between Selene and I.”
“All right. I’m not against you being together. If she was a little older, and it were a little less complicated between you and her. I don’t want you to be hurt either, staying away from someone you want isn’t easy. I tried.”
“You tried to stay away from Kim?”
“I didn’t want to marry someone with a kid. But Kim was amazing. Perfect. Then I met Selene, and I was all in for life.”
“I’m glad you found Kim. She is perfect for you. And I owe you and her everything I have, everything I am.” Kim was his guardian angel. She was the mother he wished he would have had. Weaker women would have passed on taking on a troubled youth like him. Kim gave up her honeymoon so Dan could make the trip to pick his brother up. She came too late to save him from trauma, but not too late to save his life. And she gave Selene life.
“You did all the hard work. We gave you a place. I’m sorry I didn’t know sooner.”
“I didn’t want to burden you. My donor wasn’t much better for you.”
“Nothing like what you lived through Ben. And what you’ve accomplished with your business in only four years. I couldn’t be more proud of you.”
“Thank-you. I’m glad all my hard work is paying off. And I can give a little to the family with this job for Selene.”
“She’ll do a great job. And you can get to know her as an adult.”
“I look forward to it. But I meant what I said. Nothing between us more than brother and sister.”
Dan parked in the garage and gave him a look. “You can drop the groceries in the kitchen, Kim and I will put them away,” was the last thing he said.
“Thank-you Dan. I owe you.”
Ben dropped the groceries in the kitchen and wandered through the house. He considered having a nap, but he found Selene in the living room with her laptop.
He sat beside her and craned his head toward her to see what she was looking at. His website. She grabbed the computer and turned it aside. “Go away.”
“I already saw that you are stalking me.”
“You are the stalker. I’m researching since I’m taking a job at this company. And knowledge would help.”
He pushed the screen down. “You could ask the guy in charge. Your boss. You know, me.” He raised his eyebrows. He was a little hurt she didn’t come to him with this.
“I wanted to research before I started asking questions. I didn’t want to look ignorant.”
“It’s not like you know nothing. I’ve explained in our emails and phone calls.” Those phone calls were the most human contact he had outside of work in the last two years. He needed them like breath.
“Some. But mostly we were talking about my schoolwork, and I was focused on that. What’s your best-selling product?”
“The nightlights. It was our first big seller, pretty much my first product, and it remains high.”
“It’s your product and big seller. You did it on your own.”
“Well, mostly. I didn’t work alone. I had loans and contacts. People who worked with me.”
“And you don’t have a blog. A story, anything. Your website is barebones. Product, where to buy. Does anyone use social media at your company?”
“I’m sure some of my employees do.”
“So no. All right, I want the website redone. I want to start a blog, and post on social media. We need to connect with customers. We want them coming back for more than only nightlights with nontraditional covers.”
“Nontraditional everything. And that’s all your fault you know. After I got the nightlights under production, I recalled all those tea parties with your pink plastic play set. And I knew some boys want tea parties. And girls who like bright or nontraditional colors. That was a harder sell than the nightlights.”
“My fault? I bet Mom was the set in a box in storage. She could find it and I’ll bring it with me. We can have parties again, like the good old days.”
He took her laptop and put it on the coffee table. He wrapped his arm around her and held her tight to him and rubbed her hair until the static had it floating like halo. She convulsed in giggles against him. He relaxed his arms so she could be free if she wanted.
“Sure. Only if you wear a princess gown like you used to.”
Her laughter ended, but she stayed close. “If you can find or make me one that fits, I will do that.”
“Deal.” He found her eyes and caught her, ignoring the way his heart skipped a beat. “Seriously, ask me anything from here on out. I can only trust you if you are open with me. Especially what you don’t know. I’ll help you fill in the blanks.”
“You’re pretty confident.” She poked his side.
“I am confident, because I’ve made every mistake there is to make. At least it feels that way. Many were really hard lessons. I can help you avoid some mistakes. If you let me.”
She looked up into his eyes. She had doe eyes, big and beautiful dark brown. He could get lost in them. When she was little, he lost himself in her frequently. She loved him unconditionally and without reserve. He watched her, amazed that anyone that pure was near him. He was certain he was corruption personified for the three years before. Her trust and love for him, made him realize he wasn’t evil.
“Okay. It’s not like I don’t trust you have my best interests at heart. And I don’t want to screw up your company. I’ll ask more questions.”
“Text, knock on my door, email. Day or night, I am always available to you.”
She looked away. He wanted to hide his face in his hands at the innuendo in his words. He was adept at not showing feelings however, a talent he carefully honed before he met Kim and Selene. “Do you have more questions?” he asked in an even voice.
She grabbed a notebook. “I wrote down some ideas this morning while you were playing video games.”
“I’m sorry Mom for slacking off during my first holiday in four years.”
“This is your first holiday? I didn’t mean you were slacking off. It’s what I was doing, in case you thought I wasn’t be social.”
“Hey, I am taking you home with me. In fact, you might want to steer clear of me, because when we’re live and work together, you might tire of me awful fast.” He removed his hands from her body, but she moved in closer.
“I will never tire of you. I haven’t seen you in four years. That was like an eternity for me. I need to fit an eternity of you into my life before I become annoying and you kick me out.”
His heart lurched. He wouldn’t make her feel unwanted. “My home is open to you as long as you want it, kitten.” Eventually she would want a place of her own, somewhere she could bring her future husband home. He’d imagined her dating while they lived together. The pain would be brutal. But he’d been a human punching bag for three yea
rs. Emotional pain from Selene would be bittersweet. He’d like to see her happy. Even without him.
He was certain coming here that she had a boyfriend. How could anyone that great not have a special someone?
For now, she was his alone. At least he could pretend she was his. He kissed the top of her head. He tightened his arm around her again since she stayed glued to his side. If she got any closer, she would be in his lap, and his body would react noticeable to that stimulus.
While he pretended she loved him, he would love her. With everything he had he loved her. He cried sometimes from it. But he’d never admit that.
Well, to her he would. If she asked but she never would. Was he ready to be vulnerable with her? To break the illusion of being infallible to stop being her hero. He didn’t know if he’d ever be able to tell her all his hurts. How would she react to the darkness in his past? Would she see him destined to follow the same one?
She sighed and rubbed her cheek against his shoulder. “Want to watch TV?” she asked, flipping it on. She flipped through four screens at superhuman speed. “All right, nothing mindless on. So I will introduce you to my favorite show. We can start at episode one.”
“Why would I do that?” He made a face. He didn’t have time for TV. Or any interests outside work.
She mirrored the look on his face. “I never miss this show. If we’re living together, you will see it and I don’t want to answer a million questions from you.”
He didn’t watch television. Ever. He said nothing because she might send him away. Or leave him there alone. And he was tired of being alone.
“I love you Benny,” she said, a childish voice.
He kissed the side of her head and wrapped an arm around her. He didn’t know how he’d explain this to Dan if he came in after their conversation, but he didn’t care. This was his Selene. “I love you too, kitten.”
He was going to hell for it, but he couldn’t give her up.