An hour later, the guys had already downed half of the beers, and I had drank four Cokes. I searched for a fifth in the cooler, until Rachel told me the guys didn’t put many in it, but there was more in the fridge in the kitchen.
I went inside and took a deep breath. All right, I had underestimated being at a party with Jessica. In addition, the guys were drinking and talking about the next bike race, and I simply felt lost.
I grabbed a Coke from the fridge, opened it, leaned on the counter, and took long swallows.
“Oh, I didn’t know you were in here,” Jessica said, entering the kitchen through the back door.
I raised the soda can. “I came in for a Coke.”
She nodded, walking to the nearest counter. “Rachel asked me to get more napkins and plastic cups from somewhere in the cabinets.” She opened the doors and three seconds later closed them. “It would have been helpful if she had told me exactly where.”
“I’ll help you.” I set my Coke down and turned to the cabinets behind me.
“Thanks,” she said, opening another set of doors.
On my second try, I found one of the items. “Here are the cups.” I turned to her at the same time she turned to me. My elbow bumped her arm, right on the scratches. She flinched and hissed. Anger assaulted me again. “I’m sorry.”
A big knot set between her brows, and her hand hovered over the scratches without touching them. “It’s okay.”
“No, it’s not okay.” I took her hand in mine and pulled it away from the wound. The middle line had a few drops of blood. After a deep breath, I cupped her elbow and guided her to the sink. “I can’t believe Caryn did this.”
“I don’t think it was intentional. Though she was out to get me.”
I grabbed a paper towel, wet the corner, and dabbed the scratch. Jessica flinched. “Sorry.”
“I’ll be fine.”
“I’ll talk to Caryn about this. She can’t go around threatening you, hurting you.” She pressed her lips in a thin line, and I could see in her eyes that she was bottling something inside. I cleaned the last of the blood and threw the paper towel in the trash can. “What is it?”
“What?”
“I can see a question in your eyes. Ask.”
“It’s just … Is there something between Caryn and you?”
“No.”
“She acts like there is.”
“She has been acting like that since before you and me.”
“Oh.”
“Why?”
“She mentioned being there for you … when you were in jail. And she also said she visits you at your community service.”
I nodded. “Yes, she visited me and sometimes she comes to the community service, but I didn’t ask her to, and I certainly don’t encourage her. Actually, I told her a few times I would rather she stopped. Honestly, I don’t know why she bothers. I told her a million times that I’ll never be with her. Still, she keeps trying to win me over.” I was aware of how conceited I sounded, but it was the truth. For some reason, I wanted Jessica to know it. “The only thing I feel for her is pity. Pity for the woman she became. And a little disgusted when she throws herself at me, and I have to be rude so she’ll leave me alone.”
She stared at me with misty eyes. “I’m sorry … for what happened and for not being here for you.”
I took her hand in mine. “Jess, stop apologizing. It wasn’t your fault, and you didn’t know. Even if you knew, I wouldn’t have wanted you to see me that way.”
She squeezed my hand. “I’m glad you’re okay now.”
I wouldn’t say I was okay, but I was getting there. “Me too.”
The corner of her lips tugged up in a sad smile, and an urge to wrap my arms around her, pull her to me, and kiss her until she couldn’t breathe hit me. She was close, too close. Her gorgeous legs two inches from mine. All I had to do was tug her hand and catch her when she bumped into me. Fuck, I wanted it. I wanted her. Bad.
The desire took hold of me. I raised my free hand and brushed a strand of her hair behind her ear, letting my fingertips linger on her cheek. She took a sharp inhale and her eyes flickered to my mouth.
Fuck, that was all the incentive I needed. I leaned in.
And her cell phone rang.
Startled, Jessica stepped back and looked at her phone. Her brows furrowed, and she pressed the end button. Maybe it was her boyfriend, and she didn’t want to answer it in front of me.
Shit, she had a boyfriend. Why did I keep forgetting that?
Jessica picked up the cups from the counter. “I should take this to the girls.” Without another look at me, she rushed out to the backyard.
Fuck, what had I been thinking? I almost kissed her. I wanted to kiss her. She had a boyfriend. If he hadn’t called, I would have probably kissed her. What was wrong with me? Even if she was spending some time with me, she was unavailable and I would respect that. I would try to respect that.
Obviously, my feelings for her were still too strong, but I couldn’t go down that road again. It hurt too much. And, one way or another, I would end up hurting her. Because that was all I did. I messed up and hurt everyone who cared about me.
Grunting, I turned to the fridge, and instead of getting another Coke, I found a beer.
Chapter Nineteen
Jessica
Mama spent Sunday at the hospital. She called me two or three times to tell me Papa was awake. I had to give her some credit for trying.
The guilt in me only increased. In four weeks, I would be gone and I wasn’t making any progress with Papa. I wasn’t even trying.
At least I was making some progress. Not with Papa, but with someone I had cared about deeply. Spending time with Ryan wasn’t exactly how I had imagined my stay here, but I was glad he was opening up to me. If only I could take his guilt and throw it to the wind, to be scattered in the air and never again found.
Ryan almost ruined the closure we were building by trying to kiss me yesterday. After that, he acted strange and stayed in a corner with the guys. He didn’t even utter another word to me all night. I hoped nothing had changed. I needed to know nothing had changed.
Late afternoon, Luke and Ethan came over to the house and quickly convinced Jason to go for a ride.
“Wait,” I said as they were leaving through the front door. “Any of you have a spare bike? A working spare bike?”
“I do,” Luke said. “Why?”
“Do you mind if I take it out for a ride?”
Luke glanced at Jason, who shrugged. “If you think you can handle it.”
“I may not have ridden in a few years, but I think I can handle it.”
“Come on, then.” Luke beckoned me to follow him. “I’ll take you to my house and give you the keys.”
Luke had a second-hand dirt bike. It looked old and dirty.
“This is it?” I asked.
“It’s what I have. Take it or leave it?”
“I’ll take it.”
He handed me the keys. “Want me to take you for a spin to make sure you still know how to ride it?”
I chuckled. “I’ll be fine.”
He raised an eyebrow. “All right. Just … if you break it, you pay for it.”
I saluted him like a soldier. “Yes, sir.”
Laughing, he mounted his other, newer bike and left with my brother and Ethan.
“Okay,” I whispered to myself. “Let’s do this.”
I hopped on the bike and turned the key. The engine sputtered and came to life. I wondered if it would take me as far as the corner. Just one way to find out.
I accelerated and the bike jerked to life. The weight of the bike surprised me—I wasn’t used to it anymore—and it tilted left, almost taking me down with it. After three more tries, I got the hang of it and finally rode out to the street.
Sanity wasn’t my best friend right now.
I drove to Ryan’s building. His car was outside, but the garage was closed. Gathering courage, I parked the bike an
d climbed the flight of stairs to his apartment. Cursing myself for being this stupid, I knocked on the door.
A full minute went by, so I knocked again, a little harder.
Another minute went by. That was it. I wasn’t knocking again.
I turned to leave when the door opened.
“Jess?” Ryan said.
I whirled back to him and my breath caught.
Ryan stood under the doorframe, wearing only a dark red towel around his waist. His wet hair framed the sharp angles of his gorgeous face. Droplets of water glistened on his golden skin, rolling down his naked, taut chest, and abdomen.
Oh. My. God. The man had gotten a lot more ripped than I first thought.
I forced my eyes to his and I was sure he caught me checking him out. I opened my mouth, but nothing came out.
“I was in the shower, sorry,” he said.
“Oh,” was all I said. So lame.
“Come in.” He opened the door wide and stepped back. “I’ll … I’ll get dressed. Be right back.”
He walked across the living room and disappeared behind another door.
I stepped inside and looked around. The rooms were close together and had no walls separating them. Sofa, TV stand, TV and video games to one side, kitchen with a high counter and a small table with two chairs on another, and in the back, a bed, a nightstand, a dresser, a clothes rack, and the door Ryan had gone through, which I was assuming was the bathroom.
I stood between the living room and the kitchen, waiting while he got dressed and desperately trying not to imagine as that towel fell on the floor and …
Snap out of it, Jessica.
I couldn’t … I wouldn’t fall into this again.
After a couple of minutes, Ryan exited the bathroom, and I wouldn’t confess this out loud, but I was kind of disappointed he wasn’t bare chested anymore. However, the fitted green T-shirt and jeans looked good on him.
He took three steps forward me and halted. “Sorry again. I wasn’t expecting anyone.”
“That’s okay.” I noticed he was wearing a nice T-shirt and jeans. At this time of the evening, if I were going to be home alone, I would have put on a ragged shirt and yoga pants, or even pajamas. “Am I interrupting something? I mean, are you leaving? Do you have plans? Should I leave?”
He smiled. “Jess. No, I don’t have plans and I’m not going anywhere.”
This time, I smiled. “Well, since you don’t have plans, I was hoping to take you somewhere.”
“What? Where?”
“Just … put some shoes on and come with me,” I said. He narrowed his eyes at me, as if doubting my insanity. That just made my smile wider. “Come on. Trust me.”
Shaking his head, he retreated to his bedroom, from where he caught black boots from under the bed.
After putting them on and grabbing his wallet from the nightstand, he stood. “So, where to?”
***
Ryan
“Luke’s dirt bike. Really?”
She watched me with wary eyes. “Yup.”
I put my hand inside my pockets. “Jess, I don’t think it’s a good idea.”
“I’ll be driving. You just have to sit there and enjoy the ride.”
“Are you sure you can still drive?”
“I drove from Luke’s house to here, didn’t I?”
“That might have been luck.”
She chuckled. “Come on, Ryan.” She lost the smile and took my hand. “I know you miss it, and I want to do this for you. Trust me.”
A huge part of me didn’t want to do this. I hadn’t ridden a bike in almost four years, and I sure didn’t think starting now would be wise. But a small, strong part of me was dying to hop on the bike and go with Jess wherever she wanted to take me.
Knowing this wasn’t entirely a good idea, I nodded and sat behind her.
The engine roared to life, a little less ferocious than I remembered, and Jess drove into the street like a pro.
Okay. Another benefit of riding a bike with Jess: feeling her body close to mine. I had forgotten how great this felt. My thighs pressed against hers, and even though I didn’t really need to, I rested my hands on her waist, and glued my chest to her back.
I pushed her hair to the side so it didn’t whip in my face and inhaled deeply. Her perfume had changed. I remembered it smelled like wild roses, and now it was honeysuckle. I would miss the wild roses, but honeysuckle went well with her. Besides, it wasn’t only the perfume. The mix of her and the perfume was what made her scent perfect.
I closed my eyes and let the wind, the sun, and her scent envelope me.
I didn’t pay attention to where Jess was taking us, and after thirty minutes riding along back roads, I didn’t think she knew where she was going either. Still, this right here was perfect. A bike, a road, Jess, and me. Too perfect to be true.
She took us into town and to Gibson Pond Park. She stopped the bike a few feet from the water, but we didn’t get off. We stayed seated on the bike, watching as the sun descended, tinting the water with its orange rays.
Once more, the perfection of the moment hit me. Quickly followed by a reminder that this couldn’t go farther, that this couldn’t last.
She had a boyfriend after all.
I dropped my hands from her waist and leaned back, trying to get some distance from her so I could think clearly.
“I had forgotten how beautiful it is out here,” she said, her voice low and simple.
If only the rest of my life was simple. “What are we doing, Jess?”
“Watching the sunset?”
“No, I mean us. Why did you come to my garage and stay with me while I worked? Why did you want to take me riding? What are you trying to do?”
She let out a long breath. “I want us to heal.”
“To heal?”
She pulled her leg over the bike and sat sideways, her eyes falling on mine. “Yes. We need to heal. To let go of the past. To find some closure.”
Let go of the past. Closure. I got off the bike.
“So you’re playing pity party with me so when you get back to Cleveland, you feel better about yourself?”
Her eyes widened. “What? No!”
“Then why bother? You’re leaving soon. You like torturing people?”
“Ryan, what are you talking about?”
“Nothing.” I turned my back on her and started walking down one of the trails.
“Ryan?” she called. I heard her fast footfalls as she ran after me. “Where are you going?”
“I’m going for a walk,” I said, not stopping.
She fell into step with me. “Right now?”
“Yes. I’m walking home.”
“But—”
I stopped and glared at her. “I’m walking home, Jessica. You should take the bike back to Luke.” My tone was harsher than I intended.
She flinched and muttered, “Okay.”
Shoulders sagged, she dragged her feet back to the bike, but I didn’t stay to watch. I resumed my walk, hoping that with each step, a little more of the heavy fog would lift from my mind. I had to regain control over my thoughts. Thinking about Jess, wanting her to spend time with me, thinking about going back to riding and racing, all of these were dreams, dreams that should be buried in the black abyss in my mind, where they had been locked for so long.
Alas, all it took for them to rush back and send a flutter of hope through me was for Jessica to give me her attention.
Fuck, how I liked her attention. How I yearned for it. What I wouldn’t do for more of it.
I shook my head and focused on locking out all the dreams. It would hurt, hurt so much it would make the first time seemed like a tickle to my soul, but I couldn’t wait for Jessica to leave.
***
After a shitty night, Monday was a shitty day. I worked hard, grunting and cursing. At one point, Noah stopped by and stared at me with big, suspicious eyes.
“What did the wall do to you?” he asked.
“
Nothing,” I barked.
“Doesn’t look like it,” Noah said. “You’re punishing the damn thing.” I glared at him, a murderous look, I was sure. He shifted his weight and looked at the sky through the window. “The hurricane should hit Charleston tomorrow, and then come into the state. I hope it loses enough strength before hitting town. Otherwise, it might mess up all our work.”
I glanced out the window. A blue sky greeted me, but that didn’t mean anything. The storm could come out of anywhere, with its strong, violent winds. Much like my mood.
The only one able to calm me down was Jessica.
After that night under the stars, when I first told her about my future, I started opening up more.
A week or so after, I parked my car a block from her house, but didn’t come up because I was so upset, so messed up, I was afraid I would pick a fight with her because I wanted to unload on someone, anyone.
I didn’t even know why I had driven to her house. No, wait, I knew. Because I missed her. Even after having spent the previous night with her, I already missed her. But it wouldn’t be fair. She didn’t deserve to see me this way.
I sighed and turned on the engine of the Mustang. It would be the first night in three weeks that I wouldn’t be sleeping in her bed with her, and it would hurt like hell. I was shifting the gear to first when I saw the side gate of her house’s fence opening. She spotted my car two houses away and ran toward me, a smile on her beautiful face.
My heart tightened.
Still smiling, she got in the passenger seat, but her smile died once she looked at me up close. She reached to me and rested her hand on my arm. “What happened?”
Two words. A simple question. A sweet, caring voice behind them.
A lump formed in my throat, and all of a sudden, I couldn’t speak. I tried understanding what was happening, but I couldn’t really process it. I was pissed off out of my mind, and as soon as she batted her beautiful eyelashes at me, I turned to mush, wanting nothing more than to bury my face in her neck, breathe in her wild roses scent, and forget everything.
Captured Love Page 16