by Lisa Jordan
“It’s understandable.”
“When life gets overwhelming, I just want to slow down and take a deep breath. Lately, it’s been a struggle to catch my breath. I screwed up, and now I feel like the biggest disappointment.”
“Evan, you’re such an amazing, stand-up guy. The disappointment you’re feeling is all one-sided. If only you could see yourself the way others do.”
Evan jerked his head toward her. Did she realize what she’d said? Who she was talking to?
She took his hand and turned it to trace the tattoo of a sturdy oak tree on his left forearm. “I remember when you got this.”
“Jake, Tuck, Micah and I got this same tattoo after Mom was killed. There’s a tree near the farmhouse that remained unchanged even though the tornado nearly wiped out everything else. Dad had said our family was like that tree—Holland strong and rooted deep to weather any storm.”
“And you will get through this, too.”
“I’m just not sure what my future holds now.” He curled his fingers around hers. “You’re a great listener. You always have been. What about you? What do you want?”
“At least you can look to your future.”
He frowned. “What do you mean by that?”
Natalie shifted her eyes toward the open field where wildflowers swayed in the breeze, cows called from a distance and the wind toyed with her hair. Sadness shadowed her eyes despite the smile curving her lips. “Peace. I long for peace.”
“Like world peace?”
Nat shook her head and tapped her fist against her chest. “Peace in here. Peace to stop running.”
Evan closed his fingers over hers. “What are you running from?”
Her eyes glazed with wetness and shimmered in the moonlight. “If I tell you, I will lose everything.”
Before he could ask what she meant by that, she leaned over and brushed her lips across his, silencing him.
He cupped her face in his hands and deepened the kiss.
Chapter Nine
It was just a kiss. And not even her first kiss. Or even the first with Evan.
But it was her first one since she’d ended their relationship over five years ago.
Being wrapped in his arms again felt so right...and so wrong at the same time.
She shouldn’t allow herself to get close to him. But when he looked at her with those blue eyes swimming in vulnerability, she shut off her brain and listened to her heart.
Needing to put some distance between them, Natalie loosened her arms around him and pressed her forehead against his.
She slipped out of Evan’s arms, slid off the tailgate and then wrapped her arms around her waist. With her legs still feeling like jelly, she stared at the diamond-studded sky that shrouded them in darkness.
The metal creaked as Evan jumped off the bed of the truck, landing with a thud on the ground. A moment later, one of the truck doors opened, then closed again.
He moved behind Natalie, the hairs on the back of her neck detecting his presence. He wrapped something soft around her shoulders. She detected the scent of his soap and realized it was a zip-up hoodie.
She slid her arms in the sleeves and zipped the jacket halfway, resisting the urge to bury her nose in the fabric. She smiled up at him. “Thanks.”
He wrapped an arm around her waist and brushed the backs of his knuckles across her cheekbone. “I should take you home. Or find another way to keep you warm.”
He lowered his head, but she pressed a hand against his chest. “Evan, we can’t.”
“Can’t what? I’m simply holding you.” He flashed her a boyish grin that reminded her of their son.
“And you were about to kiss me.”
He reached for her hand. “Are you complaining?”
“You know it’s not a good idea.” She tried to step out of his embrace.
He drew her close again. “Actually, I think it’s a pretty good idea. You must have thought so, too, because you were the one who kissed me.”
“Yeah, but I did that because...”
“Because why? You find me charming? Totally irresistible?”
Her cheeks warmed and she turned away. “I kissed you because...” She sighed. “I kissed you because I didn’t want to answer your question.”
Evan loosened his hold and frowned at her. “What question?”
“You mentioned you weren’t sure what your future holds. I said at least you could look to the future.”
“Right. I asked what you meant, and you kissed me.” That grin slid in place once again, which caused her heart to shift.
Her cheeks warmed. “Yeah.”
“So, what did you mean?” His gentle tone, low and throaty, invited her to open up to him.
And she wanted to. But...
She pressed a hand to his chest again. “Evan, there are some things in my past that may change how you feel about me.” She closed her eyes against the mounting pressure, then opened them to find him looking at her with such compassionate concern. “I want to tell you but, honestly, I just don’t want to get into it tonight. Can we table this conversation for another time with the promise that I will share with you?”
He ran the tips of his fingers over her cheek and then pressed a kiss against her forehead. He gathered her into the security of his arms and rested his chin on top of her head. “Sweet Nat, I won’t pressure you to share anything you don’t want to tell me. Just know I’m always here for you, ready to listen.”
Hearing those words lifted some of the burdens off her heart. She glanced at her watch. “It’s getting late.”
He nodded and tipped up her chin. “I’ll be here when you’re ready to talk. Maybe I can help.”
She shook her head, blinking back another rush of tears, and turned away from him. Despite the too-big hoodie, she shivered and rubbed her hands over her arms. Then she faced him again. “Thank you, Evan, but you can’t. No one can. This is my cross to bear. Would you mind taking me home?”
“Of course not.” Evan moved to the passenger side of the truck, opened the door and helped her in. He rounded the front, climbed behind the wheel and started the engine. They headed down the hill in silence.
A few minutes later, Evan pulled into the Bishops’ driveway and left the engine running. He draped an arm over the steering wheel and looked at her. “Will you go to church with me tomorrow?”
She jerked her gaze up. “Church? I didn’t realize you attended.”
“I do when I can. Now that I’m home, I attend with the family.”
She released the seat belt, removed his hoodie, already missing the warmth it offered, and grabbed her jean jacket. “No, thanks. I don’t do church.”
“Why not?”
“There’s no point. God picks and chooses whose prayers He answers—I wasn’t chosen, so I stopped praying. Why bother going to church?”
“You know, Nat, I’ve had similar thoughts, but a wise man once told me, ‘God won’t ever give up on you. If anyone walks away, it will be you.’”
“Who told you that?”
“Your dad. And he was right. I haven’t always made the best choices, but despite my screwups, God’s still there for me.”
“I appreciate your faith, but I was an innocent child who cried into her pillow night after night, begging God to listen to my prayers. He stayed silent.”
Evan cupped her cheek and brushed his thumb over her skin. “I don’t know what you’ve gone through, but I hope you can trust me enough someday to share. Just know I’m here for you.”
Natalie pulled his hand away and simply held it. “Why are you so kind to me, Evan? What I did was horrible. What did you say—unforgivable?”
“I reacted out of anger. I know you have your reasons. Someday, you’ll tell me, and then we can move forward.” Releasing her hand, he opened his door and step
ped down. Then he came around to her side and helped her out.
Always the gentleman.
They walked to the door, where the porch light shone overhead like it had when Natalie was in high school and out with friends.
The glow of the amber light highlighted the sculpted planes of Evan’s face.
He trailed a knuckle over her cheekbone. She wanted to turn her face toward the warmth of his touch, but she didn’t move, afraid to break the moment.
“Nat, I’m always here for you. Anytime you want to talk. About anything.” He leaned forward and kissed her forehead, barely brushing his lips over her skin. Without another word, he turned and stepped out of the circle of light and disappeared into the darkness.
A moment later, he backed out of the drive and disappeared down the road.
She was a fool, and she didn’t deserve someone like Evan.
She pressed her back against the column and rested a hip on the front porch railing, replaying Evan’s words over in her head.
What if she did take a chance? What if she unburdened her heart? Would Evan be able to handle the truth? Or maybe the lies, depending on his perspective. When he’d learned about Aidan, he’d said he couldn’t forgive her. What if he learned the truth about who her biological father was and wanted nothing to do with her? Or worse yet—what if he used that truth to try to take Aidan from her?
For years, she had trusted only her parents and Ben. After her brother was killed, her circle of trust had grown smaller.
What if she widened it by sharing her secrets with Evan?
She’d kept the past locked up for so long because the shadows that crept through her dreams filled her with anxiety, silencing her.
Trusting Evan meant risking everything she’d worked so hard to rebuild.
But it was time to put the past to rest and move forward.
She just hoped it didn’t cost her more than what she could give.
* * *
Evan should’ve been walking on air.
After all, he somehow managed to redeem himself after the escape room meltdown.
And he kissed Nat.
Yeah, that was the highlight of the evening.
So why did he feel so weighed down?
Evan hoofed it down the quiet road. The sun, barely stretched across the horizon, cast an amber glow across the cornfields.
As he cut through the barnyard, chickens waddled in front of him and cows called through the open doorway of the barn. The morning dew wet his flip-flopped feet as he crossed the yard and took the back deck steps two at a time. He kicked off his shoes—Mom’s long-ingrained rule still in his head even after her death—and scuffed his damp feet on the burly welcome mat.
The scent of fresh coffee and cooked bacon flavored the air, causing his stomach to grumble.
He opened the door and was greeted by Toby and River, wagging their tails. Entering the kitchen, he rubbed their heads. “Hey, boys. Did you behave last night?”
“They sacked out on the living room rug and didn’t move until I got up this morning.” Dad sat at the kitchen table, his open Bible in front of him and a steaming cup of black coffee at his right hand.
The open Bible was as much a mainstay on the table as the salt and pepper shakers. Some of Evan’s favorite memories had been waking up as a kid, heading into the kitchen for a bowl of cereal and finding his dad bent over his Bible, hands folded in prayer. Knowing he was included in those prayers gave Evan the courage to chase after his dreams.
And to return home when those dreams were destroyed.
“Morning, Dad. Thanks for keeping them.” Evan placed a hand on his dad’s shoulder and gave it a quick squeeze before moving to the counter. He pulled a mug out of the cupboard and filled it with coffee.
Dad looked up from reading, slurped his coffee and held his cup out for Evan to top it off. “Morning. You stay at your RV last night?”
Leaning against the sink, Evan took a sip, allowing the rich goodness to slide down his throat, and nodded. “I got back late and didn’t want disturb you and Claudia. Wouldn’t mind using the shower, though.”
Dad waved a hand toward the ceiling. “Have at it. You know where everything is. How’d last night go?”
“It was...” Evan didn’t want to tell his father about his freak-out at the escape room, but he’d understand. “It wasn’t the best date. When I picked Nat up, she asked if I’d mind doubling with Willow and her date. We had Mexican food, then ended up at an escape room with half a dozen strangers.”
“An escape room? Huh.”
“Yeah. I managed about ten minutes before the walls started closing in. So I humiliated myself by rushing out of the building and nearly passing out on the sidewalk. Natalie came after me. We left and went to my place.”
His father lifted an eyebrow.
Evan held up a hand. “Relax. We sat on my tailgate and talked about my claustrophobia. I told her about the hay fort caving in.”
“You tell her about your recent accident?”
He nodded. “A little. And I mentioned about not knowing what the future holds. Something bad happened to her, but she didn’t want to get into it. I’m hoping she’ll open up soon. You know anything about it?”
Dad rubbed a callused hand over his chin and toyed with his spoon. “That’s something you’re gonna have to hear from Natalie.”
“So you do know.”
“Not my story to tell. Give her time and she may come around. She needs to learn how to trust people.”
“I invited her to church. She said God picked and chose which prayers He answered, so she didn’t see the point.”
“How’d that make you feel?”
“Conflicted.”
“About what?”
Evan dragged a hand through his hair. “While we’re racing through the competition circuit, my church attendance is sporadic, but the River Rats...well, we did our own Sunday morning get-togethers. One of my teammates, Preach, would read scripture and we’d talk about it, then have a time of prayer. His wife, Tasha, played songs on her ukulele. It may not have been a white building with a steeple, but God was there.”
“Church isn’t a building or place. It’s a gathering of believers. The Bible tells us, ‘where two or three are gathered together in My name, there am I in the midst of them.’”
Evan drained his cup, rinsed it and placed it inside the dishwasher. “I miss my team. They’ve been texting, asking when I’m heading back.”
“I’m sure. They were a huge part of your life for the last five or so years. What’d you tell them?”
“I said I didn’t know. PT’s not going as well as I had hoped. And that I had some family business to tend to.”
“Like Aidan?”
Evan nodded. “I didn’t go into detail. I’m not embarrassed by him. I’m just not ready to share him with the team yet. I guess I’m being a little selfish and wanting to keep him to myself a bit longer.”
“He seemed to have a good time with everyone the other night.”
“Nat said he’s been talking nonstop about Livie and Landon.” Evan moved to the table and pulled out a chair. “Preach and Tasha remind me of you and Claudia.”
“How so?”
“They lost their spouses, then found love again with each other. They didn’t allow those tragedies to derail their faith.”
“Unexpected love is a beautiful thing. Even when you think your heart isn’t ready, God works within to make changes.”
“I hope Nat will let Him make changes in her heart. Otherwise, how can I let myself fall in love with her again if she’s not willing to give God a chance?”
“You need to give it up to God and make a choice.”
“Even if that choice means not being a family for our son?”
Dad moved out of his chair and rounded the table t
o stand in front of him, coffee cup in hand. “Evan, being in a spiritually mismatched relationship is challenging and could create more issues down the road. You and Natalie can be great co-parents even if your relationship keeps you only as friends. You’re both an important part of his life. No matter what choices the two of you make, you’re always going to be in each other’s lives. But if you two don’t agree on God, then you need to decide how you’re going to proceed with that relationship. I’d hate to see you get your heart broken, and even more than that, I’d hate to see you change your relationship with the Lord to please a girl, no matter how pretty or important she may be.”
“So you’re saying I shouldn’t pursue a relationship with Nat?”
“I’m saying give it up to God. And do what He directs. He’s working in your life and in Natalie’s, even if she doesn’t see it.” His father drained his cup, then set it upside down on the top rack of the dishwasher.
“Nat feels if I go back to paddling, I’m choosing my career over my son. She doesn’t understand I can have both without walking away from him. Or her.”
“That’s her fear talking. Give her time.” His dad glanced at the clock above the sink. “I’d better head upstairs and get ready for church so Claudia doesn’t leave without me.”
“Like that’ll happen.”
“Love you, son, And I promise you, God’s got this. Let Him work it out.”
“Love you, too, Dad. And thanks.”
“Anytime.” His father left the kitchen.
Evan snatched a piece of bacon off the paper-towel-covered plate on the stove, then looked out the kitchen window over the sink, soaking in his father’s words,
Yes, he believed God was in control, but what if He didn’t change Natalie’s heart?
Then what? She was the only woman he’d ever loved. Being around her again roused those feelings he had buried for his heart’s protection.
Maybe it would be best to put a little distance between them before someone got hurt.