by Lisa Jordan
“I’ve seen you every day since, but you haven’t said a word, Evan. What kind of endorsement deal?”
“It’s for a travel website promoting different activities at a popular beach resort. If I accept, I’ll be highlighting their different paddle sports—canoeing, kayaking, stand-up paddleboards. Basically, I’d need to go and film a commercial.”
“Then what?”
“Then...I come home and deposit the check in the savings account I’ve started for Aidan’s future.”
“No, Ev. What happens after this endorsement? What if you’re offered another? And another?”
Evan lifted his shoulders. “I can’t predict the future, Nat. I have no idea what’s going to happen. I may mess things up and no one will want to touch me. I just have to put it in God’s hands and go from there.”
“What if this puts you back on the water? Or has you traveling all over the place? Aidan needs a father who is going to be there for him. Not someone who flies in and out of his life when it’s convenient.”
A muscle jumped along the curve of his jaw as his brows furrowed. “I’m not like that, and you know it. I honor my responsibilities. And this opportunity could help save for Aidan’s future. If I decide to do it, both of you could come with me. We could turn it into a family vacation.”
Her jaw tightened. “Aidan starts school next week. And I’ve told you, I don’t want a lifetime on the road, not having roots.”
“We’re not talking a lifetime, Nat. This is a one-time gig. Short term.”
“I’m sorry, Evan. I just can’t.”
“Can’t or won’t? Why does everything have to be so black-and-white with you?”
“Because shades of gray lead to heartbreak. I just feel like once won’t be enough for you. I saw you in action, remember? I saw that adrenaline rush, that winner’s high. How will this be different?”
“This isn’t me competing. It’s being in one commercial spot that will be aired online. This has nothing to do with my career.”
“Of course it does. You were offered this gig because you’re a great paddler. They wouldn’t want you if you were a nobody, Evan. You just can’t see yourself as others do. You’re blinded by a mistake that makes you feel like a failure.”
“How do you see me?”
“What?”
“You heard me. I want to know how you see me.”
“Why does that matter?”
“Because it matters to me.”
She turned away and wrapped her arms around her waist. “I see you as someone who is strong and brave. You have the ability to overcome difficulties and reach for your dreams. You’re a great father to Aidan. And a good friend to me.”
“That’s it? You see me as just a friend? Nothing more?”
“Yes, a friend, because anything else is just too painful.”
Just once, why couldn’t she be truthful? To him. And to herself.
Evan slid his hand behind her neck and put his other hand around her waist, pulling her close. “No, Nat, you’re wrong. I can be your friend. And so much more. We can be great together if you just give us a chance.”
Tears filled her eyes and blurred her vision. “I can’t. Don’t you see—it’s not just about me anymore. I have to think about Aidan. What if we get involved again and it doesn’t work out? It’s not just my heart that’s in pieces all over again. I have a little boy to consider.”
“Why are you expecting me to break your heart?”
“Because we...” She swept an arm over the land. “This isn’t enough for you. Like I’ve said before—river water runs in your veins. The water calls to you.”
“No, Nat. It doesn’t. Maybe at one time, yes, it did. Even though I’ve been following my passion, I’ve realized since I’ve been home there’s been something missing right here.” He pressed a fist to his chest. “I want more. I want a family. I want someone who is willing to go through life with me, cheer me on through the difficulties and not give up on me. I want to be worth someone’s time and effort.”
Say it. Say you can be that person.
Even though her head wanted her to speak up, her heart forced her to stay silent.
He took a step back and scraped a hand over his face, his eyes suspiciously wet. “I have a feeling that no matter how much I love you and tell you how I feel, it’s not going to be enough. You’re so blinded by the pain of your past that you’re not willing to risk your heart for someone whose words means something. I don’t know what I have to do to prove I’m worth being in your life, being a good dad to Aidan, but I can’t keep jerking my heart around hoping that maybe someday you’ll be brave enough to take a chance. I hope you can find what you’re looking for, Natalie. But apparently it’s not with me.”
Evan brushed his lips across her forehead and, without another glance, walked away.
Balling her hands into fists, Natalie clamped her jaw tight and forced the shudder in her chest to keep her from melting into a puddle on the side of the country road.
Chapter Thirteen
If she could turn back time, she’d go back to the day before Chuck Holland’s birthday party when she and Willow had talked about partnering with Zoe and the Hollands on the service dog project and say she wasn’t interested. She’d come up with an excuse to avoid taking her father to the cookout.
Then she wouldn’t have run into Evan.
She wouldn’t have spent the past month falling in love with him all over again. And she wouldn’t be spending her evenings crying into her pillow like a lovesick teenager.
Running the back of her hand over her cheeks, Natalie stepped out of the dress she had bought for the wedding and kicked it into the bottom of her closet, knowing she could never wear it again without remembering the brokenness in Evan’s eyes before he’d walked away from her.
After pulling on a purple T-shirt and a pair of old jeans with holes in the knees, Natalie dried her face with the hem of her shirt, slipped her feet into a pair of black flip-flops, then headed downstairs and outside to the kennels.
Spending time with the dogs would soothe her wounded spirit.
Her mother’s car wasn’t in the garage, so the rest of her family were still at the wedding. When she pleaded a headache and wanted to leave, they’d offered to bring Aidan home. She was more than happy to let him stay. She didn’t want to deal with a meltdown when she pulled him away from his cousins.
She went into the kennel kitchen and started getting the dogs’ dinner bowls ready. She had portioned out their food after breakfast, so all she had to do was drop it into clean bowls, mix in wet food for the dogs who needed it and cart their meals to their suites. She exchanged her flip-flops for the pair of paw-print rain boots she wore for cleaning up after the animals.
Bert, a long-faced basset hound, met her at the door of his suite, his tail wagging. She unhinged his door, petted him a moment, then swapped out his empty dish from that morning with a bowl filled with his kibble. She gave him fresh water, backed out and relocked the door so he would eat.
She stopped at the next suite, where Buster the beagle was curled up in his bed in the corner. As a first-time visitor, he wasn’t used to the noise from the other dogs. He slunk low to meet her at the door with his ears pinned back. She sat on the floor while he crawled into her lap so she could rub his belly. Then she gave him fresh food and water.
By the time she’d delivered the rest of the food dishes, Bert had finished eating. She hooked his leash to his collar and led him outside to the play yard so she could clean and disinfect his suite.
By keeping busy and focusing on the animals, maybe she wouldn’t have time to rewind Evan’s words and replay them in her head for the hundredth time.
He loved her.
Not the way she’d wanted to hear those words, but still, he’d said them.
And she was the jerk who threw them to the ground and
stomped all over them.
No wonder he’d walked away.
When would it end? The constant fear and anxiety that kept her from moving forward, from reaching for what she wanted.
From the driveway, car doors slammed, sending the dogs into a barking frenzy.
Everyone was home.
After scrubbing Bert’s suite with a long-handed scrub brush, she rinsed the floor and sprayed disinfectant. Then she retrieved clean bedding, rinsed the floor once again, replaced his bedding and refreshed his water.
She knew these tasks by heart and could practically do them in her sleep.
She repeated the process for the remaining suites. By the time she had thrown the dirty bedding in the washer and portioned out the dogs’ meals for the next day, she was ready for a hot shower and to crawl into bed.
But she couldn’t bury her head under her pillow just yet.
The laundry would need to be changed over and the dogs taken back outside one last time.
With a storm brewing, she’d probably sneak out to check on them, especially the ones afraid of the thunder.
Then maybe she could crash for the night and put this miserable day behind her.
She’d just finished showering and changing into yoga pants and a clean T-shirt when a knock sounded on her bedroom door. Without waiting for a response, the door opened and her mother walked in, still wearing the navy dress printed with daisies that she’d worn to the wedding. “Can I come in?”
Natalie nodded as she unwound her wet hair from the towel.
“How’s your headache?”
Natalie balled the towel in her hands and sat on the edge of the bed, her eyes filling with tears once again. She buried her face in the wet towel and sobbed.
Mom moved from the open doorway and sat next to her, tucking her wet hair behind her ear. She wrapped an arm around her shoulder. “Oh, honey. Is it that bad? Can I get you anything?”
She shook her head and wiped her face. Swallowing past the boulder in her throat, Natalie told her mother about the conversation with Evan. “I ruined everything, Mom.”
“It may seem that way now, but I’m sure you two can work things out.”
She shook her head, rubbing a hand over her forehead to ease the ache forming for real this time. “He left. He walked away.”
“Give him time.”
“Part of me wants to pack up and leave.”
Next to her room, Aidan’s door slammed.
Had he been listening to their conversation?
She waited to see if she could hear anything else from his room. Just to be sure, Natalie slipped off the bed and closed her door.
“Why?”
“So I don’t have to see him again.”
“Natalie Grace, that’s your broken heart talking. You don’t mean that. Aidan’s looking forward to going to school with Livie and Landon next week. And he’s getting to know his father. You don’t want to take him away from all of that simply because life is hard right now. You have to come to a point in your life when you’re done running.” Mom took her hands. “Let go of the past and embrace your future.”
“I don’t even know how to do that.”
“Give it up to God.”
“How do I hand twenty-plus years of anxiety over to God?” Natalie cradled her head in her hands.
Mom started rubbing her back. “Oh, honey, it’s definitely a process. When I moved back to Shelby Lake, I was full of shame for my choices and the resulting consequences that created trauma for you and Ben. My parents were so supportive. God forgave me, but I struggled with forgiving myself. I had married the wrong man and nearly lost my precious children. Then, I met Ted, who taught me about God’s unconditional love. Not just through his words, but through his actions, too. It’s a process that takes time, trust and grace.”
A knock sounded on her door. Mom crossed the room and opened it. Dad stood in the doorway with a tired look on his face.
“What’s wrong, Ted?”
“Aidan’s gone.”
Natalie pushed off the bed. “What do you mean gone?”
“I went upstairs to see if he wanted ice cream, but his room was empty. His sneakers and backpack are missing.”
Ice coursed through her veins. Her fingers trembled and her heart quaked. “It’s getting dark and there’s a storm coming. We need to find him.” Natalie tried to push past her father, but he reached for her arms and turned her to face him. “Call Evan and let him know what’s going on. He can help with the search.”
Her stomach cinched in knots, Natalie checked around her room but her phone wasn’t in sight. Then she remembered her jeans from cleaning the kennels. After pulling it out of the back pocket, she scrolled through her phone and tapped on his name.
The phone rang, but he didn’t pick up. He probably saw her name on the screen and hit Ignore. Getting his voice mail, she forced her voice to remain calm, explained the situation and asked him to call back as soon as possible.
She gripped the silent phone as she shoved her bare feet into flip-flops and headed out the door into the fading daylight.
She lifted her eyes to the darkening sky and uttered, “God, protect my little boy.”
* * *
Evan had no idea how things had fallen apart so quickly.
One minute they’d been searching for a quiet spot to connect, then after Tori’s accidental spill about the endorsement deal, Natalie had shut down.
Despite baring his heart, it hadn’t been enough. Knowing he wouldn’t have been able to change her mind and not wanting to cause a scene that ruined his brother’s wedding day, Evan had walked away.
Maybe he should have stayed.
Maybe they could’ve talked things out.
But with the set of her jaw, Evan knew she’d made her mind up already.
Maybe tomorrow would be different. He didn’t know. Right now, though, he wanted to help with cleanup, then hole up in the RV with the dogs and hope tomorrow was a better day.
After Tucker and Isabella left for their honeymoon, his father and Claudia had herded the overly tired, hyped-on-sugar twins back to the farmhouse for baths and bed.
Evan changed out of his tux and then helped Jake, who had done the same, to tear down tables and chairs and put away the tents.
As he stacked the folding chairs borrowed from the church, his thoughts spun back to the anger on Natalie’s face.
Man, he hated the drama of relationships.
He added the last chair to the back of the pickup with a little more force than necessary.
“Whoa, dude, take it easy. What’s up with you?” Jake rounded the truck with a black trash bag in his hand. He tossed it over the side, landing it next to the last stack of chairs.
“I’m fine.” Evan pulled an empty trash bag off the roll in the front of the truck and picked up stray forks, balled-up napkins and empty bubble bottles.
“Yeah, you look it.”
Evan leaned against the bed of the farm truck. “Natalie and I had a fight.”
“About what?”
Evan lifted a shoulder. “We want different things, I guess.”
“I’m sorry, dude. That’s messed up. Maybe things will be different tomorrow. Sleep has a way of clearing away anger.” Jake grabbed a couple of waters out of the leftover tub of beverages and handed one to Evan. “Still blows my mind that you have a kid.”
“Yeah, you and me both, man. Aidan’s a great kid. Every time he calls me Dad my heart bumps against my ribs.” Evan nudged his brother. “A couple more months, then you can join Tuck and me in fatherhood.”
A grin split Jake’s face. “Can’t wait. That leaves Micah. You hear from him lately?”
“About a week ago or so. He said he’d be here for the wedding. Then he texted Tuck and said something came up and he wouldn’t be able to make
it.”
“What could be more important than family?”
“Cut Micah some slack, okay? The past few years haven’t been easy on him.”
“They haven’t been easy on any of us. That’s why we stick together—to help each other through those tough times. That’s what family does.”
“Yeah, well, sometimes we tend to rely on ourselves instead of being a burden to others.”
“Micah wouldn’t be a burden.” Jake swept a hand over the property. “We started the Fatigues to Farming program to help veterans like him—to give them a sense of hope and a purpose so they won’t camp out on park benches.”
Evan held up his hands. “Hey, man. I believe you. You’re doing a fine job, but as Coach used to tell me—you gotta want to change to make it happen.”
“Ain’t that the truth.” Jake clinked his plastic bottle against Evan’s.
“Let’s talk about something that’s not going to get you all twisted up inside. Do you know what you’re having yet?”
“No, Tori wants to be surprised, so no gender reveal for us. Either way, we’re excited for a healthy baby.”
“You pick out names?”
One more thing he’d missed out on doing during Nat’s pregnancy.
“Yeah, but Tori’s been pretty tight-lipped about what we’ve chosen. She wants them to be a surprise. If I tell you, don’t say anything.”
Evan held up two fingers. “Scout’s honor.”
“If it’s a boy, he’ll be named Charles Jacob and we’ll call him Charlie.”
“Cute. Dad will love that.”
“Yeah, we thought so. If it’s a girl, her name will be Lillian Christina, and we’ll call her Lilly.”
“Mom’s first name and Claudia’s middle name. Nice.” Evan drained his bottle of water, pitched it into the trash bag and glanced at the darkening sky. “We need to work quickly to get everything torn down and loaded before the rain hits.”
They slid the last table into the bed of Jake’s truck. After pulling up stakes and tearing down the tents rented for the reception, Jake and Evan bagged the poles. They folded the material and stacked everything on top of the borrowed banquet tables to be returned to the church.