He flinched. The blunt words hit him like iron being struck by a blacksmith with a grudge against his profession. “Right.” Sebastian withdrew, his lips pulled taut, arms tucked into the pockets of his sides.
“Sebastian, wait. That came out the wrong way. I’m glad you appreciate my work.” She placed a gentle hand on his forearm. “I’m sorry.”
He nodded and stepped away. No tone, no inflection, “You’re right,” he said, between gritted teeth. An emotionless stare replaced the passion that had glinted behind sparkling eyes. “You wouldn’t be here with me like this if I didn’t have the upper hand.” Spoken with the cadence of a robot, he’d win an Emmy for best male text-to-speech voice actor.
Nervous, fidgety hands tumbled in circles. “I’m enjoying this project. Remember, I asked for this assignment.”
Uncertainty weighed down his jaw, tugging his lips and every other facial muscle in the same direction. “You asked for the project before you knew you’d be working with me.”
“Eh, true. I still enjoy working with you.”
“Is that the only thing you enjoy doing with me?” Sebastian locked crossed arms over his chest.
“No,” she said, leveraging the power of the two-letter word. If Sebastian wanted her, she’d let him be the aggressor tonight.
Like a slack rubber band, the tension in his brow relaxed. His arms dropped to his side. “Do you enjoy our conversations?”
“Yes.”
He stepped closer. “Do you enjoy spending time together?”
“Yes.”
His finger danced along her arm, up to her shoulder. “Do you enjoy my touch?”
“Very much.”
“Do you love me?” His question hit her in the belly like a battering ram.
She held the side of the seat to prevent her fall. Words caught in Ashley’s throat. Silence.
Not letting up, his brow raised, and he stared without flinching, awaiting her reply.
Ashley swallowed hard. “The thought of loving someone frightens me. I love the moment.” She turned away, hiding the lie on her face.
“Love frightens me too.” He guided her eyes back to his. An unwavering stare. “I’ve been thinking. Maybe we can learn to conquer our fears, together.”
The walls closed in around Ashley. The meaning of his words, like the dawning sun, rose inside her, bringing light and newborn hope. Hope that quickly withered. Sebastian’s offer should have been accompanied by joy. Instead, fear camped in her heart.
A thin smile, unsure and forced, greeted him. “Maybe some fears can’t be conquered.”
“Darlin’, love conquers all fear,” he said.
“If love is the thing we’re afraid of, how can love conquer itself?”
“If you and I are in love, we have to conquer our fear.”
“Do you know what I fear more than love?” she asked.
“What, baby? What’s more frightening than love?”
Her eyelids fluttered, rapid blinks. “The pursuit to conquer love.”
“There’s no failure in trying. That’s all we can do.”
“But there is fear of failure.” She closed her eyes, breathed a heavy sigh. “Sebastian, I think you’re going to take me down.”
“Baby, sometimes, you have to reach your lowest point to rise again.”
His words were meant to be soothing, but she couldn’t escape the feeling gnawing at her insides. Sebastian Stone would take her down. In the end, she thought, Will I rise again?
Chapter Nineteen
When Sebastian opened the door, the city stood at Ashley’s feet. Lights shimmered and glittered in the distance like diamond dust sprinkled over a sea of black. She had never seen a more spectacular view than this one from the penthouse.
Sebastian headed toward the living room. “Come on in,” he turned to face her.
The apartment boasted a modest selection of furnishings.
She eyed Sebastian’s proffered hand, glancing around the space again. “Why are we in the penthouse?” A hand flew to her hip.
He shuffled past the espresso-finished sofa table and sunk into a stylish tan sectional. A slight dip of the head, his eyes lifted up, pleading with Ashley to take his hand. “That view is inspiring, don’t you agree?”
“Yes, the view is amazing.” She couldn’t hide the hesitation in her voice. “What’s this have to do with the plumbing situation?”
“You know, this apartment is more than double the size of your new apartment.”
“I can see that.” Across the room, on the balcony, she spotted a table set for two. “Why are we here?” She held her breath.
“Have a seat, Ashley,” he commanded from his roost.
She couldn’t respond. All her brain power prevented the lashing of a sharp tongue and bodily movements. Movements that now rioted her thoughts. Thoughts that told her to run. Victorious over her inner protest, her legs buckled at the bend and Ashley went down unwillingly.
“That’s better,” he said, as she squirmed beside him. “The reason I brought you here is the same reason why I can’t get enough of you.”
Fingers curled around a pillow. The roller coaster inside her stomach reached the maximum speed. If the damn thing didn’t slow down, it would fly off the tracks, compromising his safety.
“I brought you here because I’m ready to conquer my fear.”
Fear. Excitement. Anxiety. The emotions crowded her head when they should have taken residence in her heart. “What does that mean, Sebastian?”
“You know exactly what I mean. I’m talking about taking a real next step. Going to the next level without the bullshit and games.”
“The next level? When have we been on any level? All you ever wanted from me, I gave.” The roller coaster slipped the tracks. The force of its load aimed at Sebastian. “You said you wanted sex without strings. I gave you sex without strings. Now you want to tie me down? Where is this coming from?” Her cadence rose with each word, matching the terror compounding inside. Inside, new construction was underway. A wall that could not easily be removed.
“Stop fighting. Stop running. Stop thinking. Just stop.” Each word he uttered was a nail, drilled into reinforced-steel walls erected around her flimsy heart. “I’m sorry. If I could, I’d take back my actions, my words, the way we found each other,” he said, lecturing himself as much as entering his plea. A burly hand caressed her cheek. “This isn’t easy for me. Guilt has been my companion for years and I...” He looked away, eyes glazed over, captured by a memory filed in folder number five thousand six hundred and ninety-two in the cabinet of his mind.
The drilling inside stopped long enough for Ashley to feel her heart pulse and pound. Her heart ached. Ached to love, to be loved. “Guilt?” She understood the feeling too well.
Snatched back into the present, Sebastian sheltered her hand, keeping anxious fingers still beneath his own. Stormy gray eyes found her, stole her full attention. The depth of his emotion, raw and visible and strong. “Ellie was my world. Met her my sophomore year in high school.” A smile, resurrected from the past, faded as quickly. “She was the new girl. Her family had just moved to Houston. I remember how scared she looked that first day.” He tightened his fingers around Ashley’s small hand as if clinging to her fortified him. “The thought never crossed my mind that I would be without her.”
The name perched the edge of her tongue, on the verge of leaping into the air. She understood how Sebastian felt. She understood his anguish. She simply understood. And yet, Ashley couldn’t find the courage, the resolve to say Chris’s name aloud.
“Sebastian, Ellie chose to end her life.”
He looked away. “I know. Ellie had emotional demons that I didn’t understand. She was tormented. I took on the job to protect her. The pain became too much for her. She gave up.”
“So you feel guilty?”
Sebastian shook his head. “No. I know her suicide wasn’t my fault. I did everything I could do to help Ellie, to be there for her, and that was the bas
is of my love.” He stole another glance at Ashley. “I feel guilty because I didn’t think I deserved to feel the way I do now, but here you are. I love you in a way that I never knew would be possible, in a way that I never loved her.”
The room went silent. In the quiet, Sebastian’s guilt transferred to Ashley. How could he betray Ellie’s memory? How could she betray her memory of Chris? Inside, her heart played tug-of-war with her mind, logic pulling in one direction and feelings and longing yanking her back.
“Sebastian, I don’t know what to say.”
“Just tell me how you feel.”
Her chest tightened. “I don’t know what I feel.” Her cognitive abilities fled the instant she entered the apartment. Hell, the instant he entered her life. She couldn’t articulate her feelings even if they were scribbled on notepaper.
Low light cast shadows, wrapping the definition of a fine jaw, and tension wrenched his brow. “You won’t admit how you feel, but we both know,” he whispered. “Every part of me wants every part of you. I’m in love with you.”
Sebastian leaned forward, lifted her chin. A kiss. Tender, sumptuous, lusty. Sebastian groped her behind, ready to feast. Ashley’s nails dug into his forearm.
Harsh, ragged breathing escaped his lungs and he withdrew his kiss. “Did you feel that?”
Scared to love him. Scared to lose him. Scared to be loved. Vulnerability became her defense. Ashley pushed away from him. “Why did you bring me here?” she asked again, the toxin in her venom less potent.
“Because this is where I want us to make a new life together. I thought we needed a place in this world that’s just about us, just ours. No evidence of the past to haunt us, only new memories to make, neutral ground. I don’t need an answer tonight, but I’ll try my hardest to convince you.”
Sebastian stood and then swooped Ashley into his arms.
If she wanted to protest, the feeling ripping her apart inside would not allow the action. He carried her into the bedroom. A large canopy bed dominated the center of the room. White sheers hung around all four sides of the bed and pooled to the floor. He lowered her onto the mattress.
“Sebastian, we can’t do this.”
“Shhh, baby. There’s nothing you can do to stop us.”
Ashley’s head sunk into the soft down pillow. She stared up at the smooth white ceiling. Sebastian’s touch, his smell, the force of his passion constricted her better judgment.
“Ahhh,” she gasped, as he entered her.
He met her release. “Ashley,” he groaned, pumping himself into her hard.
Sebastian lifted her legs, placed them into the crook of his elbows. His face nuzzled against her neck. Her back arched as he reached her end, pounding into her heat, his motion unrestrained.
She gripped his shoulders, bracing for the next thrust. The emotional weight of his lovemaking forced another release. “Ahhh. Sebastian,” she whimpered. “Too much.”
He lifted himself to see her. A tender gaze witnessed her panic. Sebastian slowed his tempo to a halt. “Let me love you, Ashley.”
She turned away. “I can’t.” She heaved, gasping for air. Heavy emotions weighed down her breathing.
Sebastian lowered his hand to her cheek, brought her eyes center to his. “Why?” Glossy pain coated his eyes.
Pressure that had been building for the past six years burst from the dam in her soul. “I can’t,” she snarled.
She loosened Sebastian from the shackles of his past, and yet freedom didn’t find her. His love laid at her feet waited to be taken, and she trampled him. “His name is Chris.”
Emotion burned Sebastian’s chest. A salty tear slid from the corner of his eye. And then another. “He’s the one in the photos?” Red eyes stared at her, awaiting an answer.
She nodded. “Yes.”
His heart turned liquid, his erection remained strong. “If you love him, why are you here with me?” Sebastian impaled her hard. “You love me. Tell me you don’t.”
He gathered her hands, pinned her wrists to the bed. His eyes pleaded for an answer. His heart pleaded for rescue. “Tell me you don’t love me,” he repeated, his agony compounded by her silence.
Ashley shrunk into the pillow. She struggled free of his hold. “We were engaged.” She pushed against his chest. “I don’t want to talk about Chris.”
Familiar sadness in her eyes caught his attention, resounded in his heart. Sebastian eased out of her, and sat upright. “You have to open up to me. Let me inside. Let me know you.”
“I… I… I can’t.”
“For so long, I felt empty, lost. You’ve freed me. Freed me to love you. Let me free you.”
Ashley gathered the sheet in her hands and covered her naked bosoms. “Take my body and do what you want. I… I can’t give you anything more.”
Moonlight shimmered off her mocha flesh. She’s so beautiful.
He turned away from her. “I want everything, and instead you’ll giving me nothing.”
“Sebastian, I’m sorry,” she sobbed. “You made the rules. I’ve played by them. Now you’re changing the game.” Her eyelids fluttered, tears swelling. “I’m sorry. I don’t know how… I can’t…” She sobbed harder.
Sebastian never tasted pain so bitter. “All right. I’m done.” He tossed his hand into the air, defeated. “The apartment is my gift to you for all you’ve done. Take it or not,” he said as he scrambled out of bed.
“Sebastian…” Ashley shot up. “I’m sorry. I can’t love you the way you want me to.” She shook her head and buried her face in her hands. “I’m so sorry,” she muttered in deep sobs.
“Me too.” Her bare hands reached into his chest and squeezed the life out of his heart. As he approached the doorway, “I expect you to continue working with me. Get dressed,” he called back, refusing to look at her.
On the other side of the door, Sebastian fastened himself to the wall. His eyes closed. Soft mutterings from the room where Ashley was held up garnered his attention. His ear pressed against the door. He heard the truth roll off her tongue.
“Oh, I do love you, Sebastian,” she sobbed. “I do, but I can’t.”
If Ashley refused to give in to their love, he would force her heart. He would take control.
Sebastian burst through the door. Ashley curled into a ball, her knees folded into her chest, and she rested against the headboard. He sat down beside her and held out a hand. “Hi. My name is Sebastian Stone. You are the most intriguing woman I’ve ever met. You’re stunning. You’re smart. I’d like to get to know you better.”
Ashley jerked back. He could see the light flicker on behind those bold brown eyes. She met his handshake. “Hi, I’m Ashley Turner.” Her smile stole away his angst.
“Hi, Ashley. What sorts of things do you enjoy doing?”
“Well,” she paused, appearing to fight against the tug of her lips. “I’m very athletic. I like jogging. I play racquetball. I hike. And my absolute favorite sport to play is basketball. What about you?”
“Hmm. Interesting,” he said, giving her hand a squeeze. “I jog every morning. I play basketball on the weekends. I don’t hike or play racquetball, though.”
“We all have our flaws,” she teased.
“Some more than others.” Sebastian scooted closer. “Have you dated a white man before?”
Laughter broke through the anxiety. “I don’t discriminate. Something tells me that you’re not like any man I’ve met before, white, black or other.”
“I’ve never dated a black woman. Black women have always intimidated me. Beautiful, strong, intelligent. You’re all those things. How’s a guy supposed to react to all that?”
“Just like he would react to any other woman.”
“So, did you always want to go into marketing?”
A pained expression replaced her joy. She sucked in a breath. “No! I wanted to be an engineer.”
“An engineer? Why didn’t you chase your dream?”
Exhaling, “I was strongly encour
aged to find a more realistic career by my demanding mother,” she said. “She also told me that I needed to give her little brown babies while she was young enough to enjoy them and that no man wanted a woman whose job was more demanding or paid better than his.”
“Little brown babies, huh?”
“That’s what you react to?” She shook her head. “Well, would you date a woman whose job paid better than your own?”
He stroked his chin. “Let’s see. Technically, I’m unemployed. I won’t draw a salary until my construction project is done. So, yeah. I’d date a woman whose job paid better than mine. That is if she’d be interested. Now, about those brown babies…”
She shook her head again, and rolled her eyes. “Do you want kids?”
“Of course, but I can’t give you little brown babies.”
“I don’t want to talk about kids. I’m not ready for them.”
Breaking script, he whispered, “You do realize we haven’t used a condom the last few times.” He swallowed hard. “You could be pregnant.”
She shook her head. “I’ve got us covered. I get birth control shots.”
“Oh, thank goodness.” Sebastian wiped his brow. “I want kids someday, but I’m not ready for them now. Besides, I need time to convince your mother that little tan babies are every bit as lovable as the brown ones.”
She laughed again. “You’d be willing to meet my mother?”
“Yes. I love all of you, including your overbearing mother. Don’t worry. I have a way with mothers.”
“You’ve never met Ericka Turner.”
Puffing out his chest, “Ericka Turner’s never met me,” he said.
They continued talking, watched television, and enjoyed each other. Sebastian hadn’t seen Ashley as unguarded as that night.
“Can I ask you a question?”
“Yes. Of course,” she said back.
“Did Chris hit you? Did he hurt you?” He thought back to their encounter in the elevator. He thought back to times when he had been sure he had seen fear in her eyes.
He watched her shrink and then turn away. “Sebastian, you wouldn’t understand.”
Fever ran in his veins. His blood passed the point of boiling. “Where is he now?” Tempering his rage, he closed his eyes and opened them slowly.
Take Me Down (Suits in Pursuit) Page 21