by Leah Atwood
“Did you have a good nap, sweetheart?”
Alice gurgled, then smiled. “Mama.”
“Yes, I’m Mama.” Trixie giggled. Mama and baba for bottle. That was the extent of Alice’s vocabulary, beyond random strings of sounds. Although Trixie heard those words countless times a day, she never tired of them.
She kept her eyes open for a safe place to pull over. Her daughter was happy now, but Trixie knew from nine months of experience that this was the calm before the storm. From the time Alice woke up from her nap, Trixie had fifteen minutes max to feed her before the smiles and gurgles turned to clenched fists and ear-piercing screams.
Three miles down the road, she spotted a convenience store with a small restaurant attached. She drove in and parked, detached Alice’s car seat from the base. She looked at the restaurant side with longing, thinking how nice it’d be to sit and relax while feeding Alice.
With her free hand, she consciously felt for her wallet inside the diaper bag. Did she dare part with a few precious dollars? Her stomach rumbled, begging for an affirmative answer. She really shouldn’t—she had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in the car.
I’ll order something small, like a bowl of soup. A cup even, that would be cheaper.
She blinked away an unexpected tear of frustration. This wasn’t how she’d planned her life, but she had no one to blame but herself. At least going home was a step in correcting the bad decisions she’d made.
A middle-aged man with a trucker’s cap exited the store and held the door open for her. She slid through and took a deep breath. Reluctantly, she went straight to the restroom knowing she couldn’t afford the cheapest menu item. She washed her hands and prepared Alice’s bottle.
Her heavy footsteps on the return walk to her car resonated with her mood. Trixie unbuckled Alice and sat in the front seat with her as she happily sucked on her bottle, unaware of her mother’s turmoil. When Alice finished, Trixie played with her for a few minutes before subjecting her to the car seat again.
“Next stop, home.” Regardless of all the doubts and uncertainties that overwhelmed her, that prospect made her smile, albeit a weak one.
For the next hour, she focused on that whenever her thoughts went rogue and reminded her what a horrible life path she’d taken. Jesus offered redemption. She’d been taught that all her life and clung to those promises she’d had to memorize as a child in Sunday school. She needed them now, more than ever.
Send me a sign, God. Show me You still care about me, despite my many flaws and sins. I want back that relationship I once had with You, but I don’t know if it’s too late.
She finished the prayer at the exact moment the sign for Jasper Lake came into view, but in her heart she didn’t take that as the sign from Him she’d asked for. She had known the city limits were approaching. It would take a larger response than that to satisfy that longing in her soul.
Her nerves did one-handed back springs as she drove into town. Each familiar site bit at her, asking her why she’d left. She sighed. Had it only been a year since she’d left? It may as well have been a lifetime for all that had changed.
Where did she go first?
One of her sisters? Phoebe’s or Jessa’s? No, Phoebe would be at work, and she didn’t know where Jessa lived now. She’d moved out of the boardinghouse after getting married, but Trixie couldn’t remember the address.
That left her parents.
She needed support for that reunion.
After carefully pulling off the road, she dug her phone out from her purse and called Phoebe, who didn’t answer. She tried Jessa’s number and tapped her nails against the wide swatch of the steering wheel, unsure of the reception she’d receive.
“Trix, is that you?” Jessa’s voice pounded through the phone with a mixture of fear and relief.
“It’s me,” she answered, her voice cracking.
“Are you okay? I’ve been so worried. I haven’t been able to get in touch with you since before the wedding. Where are you?” The words flooded the line.
“I’m sorry.” Broken by emotions, the floodgates opened.
“It’s okay. Are you okay?”
Trixie couldn’t answer through the tears.
Her sister’s tone turned increasingly alarmed. “Where are you, Trix? Please let me know you’re okay. We love you. Nothing can change that.”
“I…” She swallowed a gulp of air, grabbed a tissue and blew her nose. “I’m coming home.”
Jessa gasped. “When?”
“Now. I’m in Jasper Lake.” She blotted a stray tear with the soppy tissue.
“Hold tight. Don’t go anywhere. Does anyone know you’re back yet?” Once again, Jessa’s words tumbled quickly from her mouth.
“Only you.” She rubbed her arms after a sudden chill passed over her.
“Where are you? At Mom and Dad’s?”
She shook her head though no one was there to see. “Sitting on the side of the road near Tippy’s.”
“I’ll come meet you. I’ll be there in ten minutes tops.”
“No, …” Trixie tried to extinguish her fears with her exhale, and drew in a breath of resolve. “Can you go to Mom and Dad’s?”
“Okay.” Jessa’s reaction came off guarded, and Trixie couldn’t blame her. “You’ll show up there, right?”
“Yes. I’ll head there now.”
“Drive safe.” The sound of a door closing echoed over the line. “I’m leaving the house and will be there in five minutes.”
“You’ll probably beat me there, but I’m coming.” She added weakly, “Promise.”
More noise and the purr of an engine. “I can stay on the phone with you.”
A brittle laugh squeaked through Trixie’s lips. “You don’t have to. My word’s probably not worth much right now, but I promise I’ll be there.”
“All right.” Even so, Jessa didn’t end the call.
“I’m hanging up so I can drive.” She managed a weak smile. Through it all, her sister still loved her.
She thought of calling Phoebe again, but decided to get back on the road. She had no doubt Jessa was already blowing up their sister’s phone until she answered. “Almost home, my sweet Alice. Almost home.”
As though on auto-pilot, she followed the path to her parent’s house. She’d made the drive from town hundreds—thousands—of times over the years, but never in a manner such as this. Never with moments of poignant regret and love and yearning hanging over her like clouds caught between a treacherous dark storm and a serene blue sky.
She turned onto the final road, dug her nails into the wheel.
Peace couldn’t come yet. Not until she saw her family, and they met Alice. Knew why she’d left and what she’d done. Only then could she begin to make amends and find that peace she desperately sought.
Both of her parents’ cars were in the driveway, along with Jessa’s, and Phoebe’s. How had Phoebe gotten there already unless she’d already been there? But on a Monday afternoon? Why wasn’t anyone working? Whatever the reason, she was glad to have this done and over with in one swoop. There’d be more individual conversations to come, but the hardest one would come now.
“It’s now or never, little one.” She sucked in a long breath, holding it until her lungs hurt.
Exhaling, she saw her family peeking through the front windows. The scene would have made her laugh if she wasn’t so nervous. She reached over and clasped the door handle. Its warmth gave her courage, no matter how superficial.
She stepped out, and before she could open the rear door, her family rushed from the house and surrounded her. Four people hugged her at once. All Trixie could do was let their love and welcoming arms hold her as her tears of rejoicing fell onto the shoulders of her loved ones.
Overwhelmed, she freed herself of everyone but her mother. She couldn’t let go of her yet, not after realizing the torment she’d put her through since she’d left. Not after the newfound appreciation she’d discovered for mothers. She
needed this moment of contact. “I love you, Mom.”
“I love you too, my Bebe.”
The pet name, left over from Trixie’s early toddler days when Beatrix was too difficult to pronounce and it came out sounding like beebee, threatened a fresh torrent of tears. No one called her that anymore, except for Mom. When she entered kindergarten, her teacher read the class a story about a girl named Beatrix as well, but she went by Trixie.
From that day forward, she insisted on being called the same, and Bebe fell to the wayside except by her immediate family, and now only mom. It held a special meaning, a promise between them that she’d always be her mom’s little girl.
Mom backed away at long last. “You’re home for good?”
She nodded. “For good.”
Dad slipped an arm around her shoulder. “Welcome home.”
Leaning into him, she inhaled the earthy scent of cologne he always wore, whether for church or work. The undertones of cedar and leather calmed her in a way only decades of familiarity should.
“Let’s move inside.” Mom’s hand trembled when she placed it on Trixie’s arm, as though afraid if she didn’t maintain contact, her daughter would leave again.
The gesture stabbed Trixie in the gut. She’d never wanted to hurt her mom. Not really. She’d simply been too young and immature to realize the consequences of her actions. Inching toward the back door of her sedan, she wondered that no one had noticed the car seat in the back, or heard Alice’s rambling gurgles.
But they weren’t in tune to her like Trixie was. They didn’t know of her existence to think to look for her. That was about to change.
“Wait.” She put a hand on the door. “There’s someone you need to meet first.”
She turned from their stares of curious confusion to open the door. Rather than removing the car seat, she unbuckled Alice and lifted her out. She wasn’t proud of her actions leading to the conception of her daughter, but she was over the shame. She’d never again hide her, ever.
“Mom, Dad, meet your granddaughter, Alice.”
Shock registered on their faces and the world around them went eerily quiet. What felt like hours passed, but in reality, it was only seconds.
Phoebe stepped forward first with outstretched arms. “May I hold her?”
Trixie handed her over, watching the first interactions between aunt and niece. Unperturbed, Alice continued to smile, only caring that someone held her and showed her affection. One by one, the rest of them recovered from their surprise and sought a turn to hold the newest member of the Graff family.
Mom turned into a mother hen with a glowing face. “We should get her inside. It’s too cold for her little body out here.” She turned to her husband. “Ray, can you bring in Trixie’s bags, please?”
Dad winked at his daughters. “Of course, darling.”
Knowing Alice was in capable hands, Trixie stayed back for a minute alone with her dad. She didn’t think it possible to have any more tears left in her, but her eyes washed over again when she took a good look at him and realized he’d aged a decade in the year she’d been gone. His once brown hair had turned almost entirely to grey, and crow’s feet cornered his eyes.
“I’m sorry, Daddy.” Her bottom lip trembled. “For everything.”
He laid a hand on her cheek and issued her a gentle smile. “You’re here now. We’ll sort through it all in time.”
Chapter Three
Elijah’s ears burned. He loved this group of teens, but quiet wasn’t within their capabilities, especially the crew chosen to perform in the church’s nativity play. Chaos reigned, and he searched the sanctuary for Mrs. Graff, his able and willing volunteer. He’d heard something about her daughter returning to town, and he prayed that wouldn’t affect her decision to work on the nativity.
Pride wouldn’t let him admit it to anyone else, but he’d gotten in over his head with this project. He’d never been on a drama team, and while the concept seemed easy—angels appear to Mary and Joseph, they go to Bethlehem, Jesus is born, angels appear to shepherds, said shepherds come visit, then wise men—the production was deceptively complicated.
He stuck his pinky fingers on the corners of his mouth and whistled. “Everybody quiet.”
A hush fell over the young group, but only for a second. Too excited over the upcoming holiday and school break, the boys and girls had lost all semblance of self-control.
“Now,” he bellowed.
Unaccustomed to his harsh tone, the group quieted and stayed so this time.
He pointed to the Advent calendar at the sanctuary’s entrance. “We only have two weeks to get this show together, and we’re no closer than when we began practices a month ago. I know you’re all excited, I get it, but we have to focus, understand?”
Nods and murmurs met him.
“Has anyone seen Mrs. Graff?” When heads shook and no one could say they’d seen her, he stretched his neck, trying to steal a glimpse of the parking lot through the window. Maybe she was running late. “We’ll have to start without her.”
He separated the group, sending the angels to the side room, shepherds to the lobby, wise men to the baptistry room. Something wasn’t right. “Where are Mary and Joseph?”
Come to think of it, he hadn’t seen Aiden all night. But he had seen Lara. He inhaled an irritated breath and let out a sigh. Where had she gone? They didn’t have time for this. He marched to the side room where the angels gathered, huddled in a circle.
When he cleared his throat, they popped upright with guilty expressions covering their faces. Even having younger sisters hadn’t equipped him for the odd behavior of teen girls. He couldn’t imagine what they’d been up to, but he didn’t suspect it was Christ-honoring. A fleeting notion to remind them of gossip’s harm passed through his mind, but he already had enough to deal with. “Do any of you know where Lara went?”
The six girls exchanged sideways glances, but didn’t say anything.
Exasperation filled him. “If you know, tell me.”
Julia, the more subdued of the group coughed. “She ran to the bathroom right after saying she didn’t feel good.”
He looked at his watch. “How long ago was that?”
“About ten minutes ago.” GraceAnn, the oldest of the teens answered.
“No one thought to go check on her?” He laid his gaze on each of them. “Julia, go check on her, please. We need to get this started. Has anyone seen Aiden?”
“I don’t think he’s coming.” Mylie Morgan shoved a hand in her pocket.
“What makes you think that?”
Julia brushed past him, leaving in the direction of the bathroom. The other girls shot Mylie warning glares, as if Elijah couldn’t see them.
Mylie’s features tightened, a visible struggle showing in her eyes. “I don’t know, sir. Just a feeling.”
“I don’t know what’s going on, but I will find out.” He leveled his gaze with the girls. “Remember what we talked about in class Wednesday night.”
He left them to ponder what he’d meant—at the moment, he couldn’t even remember what he’d taught, but it sounded like a good thing to say. Caught between chuckling and growling, he crossed the sanctuary and opened the door to the baptistry. “Have any of you seen Aiden?”
“He’s not here,” Chris, a sophomore, answered.
A refreshing, straightforward answer after dealing with the girls, except it left him in a bind. “Logan, can you fill in for him until he gets here?” Which better be soon.
Logan wrinkled his nose. “So, I have to, like, pretend to be married to Lara?”
The boys all snorted and pointed fingers at him. Maybe they weren’t so different from the girls after all.
“It’s acting. Nothing more, nothing less.”
“I guess.” Logan shrugged. “Where do I go?”
“Stand behind the double doors leading to the foyer. When the music starts, you and Mary will walk down the center aisle.”
Logan sauntered off, c
ompliant but not happy.
Elijah ran a hand over his beard and scowled. He didn’t want to fail at his first big project, but with only two weeks to go and the kids not taking it seriously, success didn’t look attainable. He turned around to see Julia running into the sanctuary, but not Lara with her. “Did you check on Lara?”
“Yes.”
When Julia didn’t elaborate, Elijah asked, “Is she okay?”
Julia shook her head. “She’s crying and said she can’t play Mary.”
Oh for crying out loud, what else can go wrong? “Why not?”
“I can’t say.”
He bit the inside of his cheek until the sharp reply on his tongue fizzled away. “Do I need to call her parents?”
“Don’t do that.” Julia’s quick response told him that’s exactly what he needed to do.
“I’m sorry I’m late.” The breathless voice of a middle-aged woman interrupted their conversation.
For the first time that night, Elijah experienced a grain of hope. “Am I glad to see you, Mrs. Graff. Julia, go back with the other angels and we’ll start in five minutes.”
“I thought I’d be late, but it seems you haven’t started.” Mrs. Graff cast a glance around the sanctuary. “What’s going on?”
“The kids are officially in Christmas mode, Joseph is nowhere to be found, and Mary is in the bathroom crying, saying she can’t be in the play.”
Mrs. Graff smiled, one of the few he’d seen from her since he’d come to Jasper Lake. “Put in a substitute for Aiden and I’ll talk to Lara. Tell the kids I’m here to take care of any trouble-makers. That will keep them quiet.”
He chuckled. “I don’t think they’re much afraid of you, but I’ll give it a shot. I already sent Logan to play Joseph right before you arrived, and good luck with Lara.”
Set with a plan of action, practice got underway. They skipped directly to the scene with the angels and shepherds while they waited for Lara to rejoin them. Despite the chaos of getting started, the teens knew their parts. It shouldn’t have surprised him since they’d been practicing for weeks already, but he’d lost a bit of faith in them. Wrongly so, perhaps.