I’ve got together with a few former colleagues and founded a new political party. It’s called the ‘Torts’ Lawyers Make the Planet Safer Party’. We have three policies at the moment. The first is for the abolition of the tort of defamation for public figures. I am sick to death of politicians and sportsmen in this country masquerading as gay when they’re straight. We should be able to in these people without fear of legal retribution. And if I feel the need to express the opinion that the minister for such and such has an IQ equal to the one the average cockroach has in its second brain – which, an entomologist will tell you, is kept in its anus – I should be able to do so without fearing that the Right Honourable Minister will be able to sue me for damages because he can prove he has an IQ of an exceptionally clever cockroach – or, at least, a slow rat’s. And if I have a comment to make that isn’t constructive and literally true, I should be able to freely do that too.
The second policy is for the introduction of two new torts called Misleading Parliament and Knowingly Lying to the Australian People While in Political Office. For the first, the remedies range from fines to loss of superannuation, up to, in aggravated cases, loss of office and public flogging. A guilty verdict on the Lying tort means jail. Hard time. Maximum security. No parole. Politicians are always calling for longer jail sentences. I’m just getting on the bandwagon with them.
The Lying tort will be made retrospective. The third policy of our party is to build another jail.
I’m also working part time at the Randwick South Legal Centre, which suits me for a number of reasons, not least of which is being near Gabby.
The sparks are really starting to fly between us now. Something has to give with the amount of electricity we’re exchanging. I’m certainly working on it. I enjoy our talks over dinner. She still hasn’t convinced me that we’ll ever be ready for a socialist world government. Too many greedy, corrupt bastards for it to work, if you ask me. After all, it only took one five-foot-nothing psychopath from Georgia and a few yes-men to bugger up the Russian experiment. You have to query whether Karl and Fred’s plan is all that Vlad and Leon thought it was cracked up to be. Then again, it only took one illiterate, draft-dodging, execution-crazy Texan and a few warmongering oil men to almost end democracy in America, so maybe capitalism needs some tinkering with too.
It’s all too difficult for me, and besides, my favourite topic when Gabby and I get together isn’t politics. It’s sex. I especially like it when we discuss how many women we’ve each had. She’s a long way in front at the moment, but I don’t want to make it a competition.
From what she’s been describing to me, a simple merger would be fine.
ALSO AVAILABLE FROM PAN MACMILLAN
Richard Beasley
Hell Has Harbour Views
Hugh Walker thought being a lawyer would be something like To Kill a Mockingbird meets The Practice. Defending the innocent, or at least the guilty underdogs.
But it isn’t like that at Rottman Maughan and Nash. In exchange for an office with a harbour view, they stole his good side on the first day. They act for large corporations. They hide dark secrets. They trample on the underdog.
At 32, Hugh has realised that a job with the greatest law firm in the universe is not worth selling his soul for. Even with a lifestyle to maintain. Not to mention that mortgage. Then there is his compromised love life . . .
The biggest trial of Hugh’s life is approaching fast, and it isn’t the mega-case he’s working on.
With his first novel, Richard Beasley gives us a biting, witty, very funny tale about the morality and pitfalls of modern city life.
‘The funniest most unutterably savage lawyer joke ever!’
JOHN BIRMINGHAM
‘Beasley’s debut provides a fearsome satirical blast for the suits and for Sydney, in language that a defending lawyer might call robust’
THE SUNDAY AGE
‘Richard Beasley knows what he’s talking about – and tells a well-paced and very funny story’
MARIE CLAIRE LIFESTYLE
‘Richard Beasley exercises brutal wit in deconstructing modern angst’
THE WEEKEND AUSTRALIAN
Kathryn Fox
Malicious Intent
Dr Anya Crichton, a pathologist and forensic physician, finds that work is sparse for the only female freelancer in the field. Between paying child support, a mortgage and struggling to get her business off the ground, Anya can’t yet afford to fight her ex-husband for custody of their three-year-old son, Ben.
After her expert evidence helps win a high-profile court case, Anya is asked by lawyer Dan Brody to look into the seemingly innocent death of a teenage girl from a local Lebanese family. While investigating, Anya notices similarities between this girl’s death and several other cases she is working on with friend and colleague, Detective Sergeant Kate Farrer. All the victims went missing for a period of time, only to be found dead of apparent suicide in most unusual circumstances.
As Anya delves deeper, the pathological findings point to the frightening possibility that the deaths are not only linked, but part of a sinister plot. Nothing can prepare her for the breathtaking truth . . .
Praise for Malicious Intent:
‘Malicious Intent will keep you gripped from start to finish. Author Fox displays the deft hand of a natural writer, whether she’s weaving her break-neck plots, imparting fascinating medical and police procedural details or breathing life into her characters – both good and bad. What a compelling new talent!’
JEFFERY DEAVER
‘Kathryn Fox has created a forensic physician who readers of Patricia Cornwell will adore. Malicious Intent is chock full of interesting information and also has several nifty twists and turns’
JAMES PATTERSON
Jaclyn Moriarty
I Have a Bed Made of Buttermilk Pancakes
The Zing family lives in a misguided world of spell books, flying beach umbrellas, and state-of-the-art covert surveillance equipment. There’s a slippery Zing, a graceful Zing, and a Zing who runs as fast as a bus. But most significant of all, there’s the Zing Family Secret: so immense that it draws the family to the garden shed for meetings every Friday night.
I Have a Bed Made of Buttermilk Pancakes is a grown-up fairytale, and a mystery set in the suburbs. It’s about what happens when hope leads to sad and hilarious mistakes and when mistakes lead to hope once again. It’s about what happens when you meet a Zing.
The first adult novel from the award-winning author of Feeling Sorry for Celia and Finding Cassie Crazy.
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