by Carole Gill
Perhaps fate was giving me a chance after all.
*
I found Mrs. Mott in the kitchen. Neither she nor I said anything about the incident the night before. I was embarrassed and I think she realized it. In any event, I was relieved.
She served me toast this time, as my appetite had lessened.
“Yes, I like toast too. I think there isn’t anything as lovely as toast with rich jelly on it. I see you like it, too.”
She was such a pleasant person, so kind-hearted. I could imagine what a lovely home she had, with children and a husband, and then death snatched it all away.
We spoke as though I were some friend of hers and not a damaged young woman trying to fit into the world again.
I truly felt a kinship with Alice Mott. We both had tragedies and shared the horror of Marsh, and happily we had both come out of it.
I had already begun to notice the routine of the house. Order is important; it is something people need to hang on to for it helps to have a focus.
My home had known only the basic desire to survive from one day to the next; there was no room for anything else like happiness.
Marsh had a routine too, one that had to be learned quickly—all manner of coping and not standing out.
I supposed that life was full of routine and ways to manage it in order to exist.
As Mrs. Mott seemed terribly busy I asked her if I might help her with any of her errands. She looked pleased but somewhat amazed. But then she smiled and said I could go into the village for her, as she had some yarn to pick up.
“They would bring it by, but I am in a hurry for it, as I am using it to make someone a gift.”
I was certain that someone was Dr. Bannion.
“Well, I shall go for you!”
I did so want to go, but I found myself frightened after saying it.
“It’s alright if you prefer not to, I will go myself.”
“Oh no, Mrs. Mott. It’s just…”
She smiled so kindly, so knowingly. “I understand. It is hard to go forth as others do so easily. Hard for some…”
We both knew what the rest of that sentence was… some like us…
“No, I shall!” I declared sounding as brave as I possibly could. “I shall go and I will be glad about it, too.”
“Well, if you’re certain you feel up to it.”
I shrugged. “I shall only know if I try.”
“It’s all put away for me. It’s just a little parcel and here is the payment.”
She handed me some money. “I know how much it is for they have told me.”
I started to leave, but she called me back. “Miss Baines, as long as you’re there, have a stroll around. Enjoy your time in town.”
I smiled. “Yes,” I said. “I shall do that.”
*
It was harder than I thought. First. there was the door to open. You wouldn’t think twice about turning a door knob, but perhaps if something awful had happened in your life, you might!
Still, I bit my lip and turned it.
With the door open I faced the path and beyond that, the gate.
Go on Rose, you can do it.
It’s one foot in front of the other, that’s all it is.
And it was! I had managed to walk to the gate.
There I stood, about to leave the safe world of Dr. Bannion’s house for the world of Clegton. So what was the problem? I had been there before.
Yes of course, but I hadn’t been alone. Being alone makes all the difference sometimes.
But I did set out. A bit unsteady on my feet, I did manage to actually cover some ground and before I knew, I was standing outside the sewing shop. I did of course recall the other sewing shop at Marsh.
Ah, but this was different! I smiled to myself as I opened the door. A bell rang and I was inside.
“I am here please to pick up a parcel for Mrs. Alice Mott.”
I was handed her parcel for which I paid and was thanked. That was all there was to it!
I’ve accomplished something, I thought , and I had.
I found as I walked along, it felt easier to be out and about. Even when I came upon a group of people, I didn’t find myself feeling anxious. I wasn’t frightened.
A young man tipped his hat. Fancy, I thought. I am winning!
*
Dr. Bannion was home early. He was delighted to see me come in.
“That’s excellent. You have pleased me no end!”
He bade me go into the library. I handed Mrs. Mott the parcel and followed him inside. I thought he was going to explain about those priceless books of his but he didn’t.
“I thought we ought to just have a chat, Rose. How did you find your excursion?”
I told him the truth and he nodded. “Yes, well, it is a step in the right direction.”
“I am still frightened though, sir. Frightened of my new position and the new people…”
He smiled and folded his hands. It was one of his gestures, opening and closing his fists. “Yes, well—even at the best of times new jobs, new people can be frightening, new endeavors often are. But you will be fine. Besides, I’ll come and see you occasionally. They are my friends after all, and I do go up there.”
“I am happy to hear that. You have no idea how relieved I am now!”
He said he was happy. Then the conversation shifted and we began speaking of Clegton and the house. And eventually, of Mrs. Mott.
“She said you selected some nice things, I’m glad about that. She’s quite a good friend too, is she not?”
That question, I have to , I found odd, as if he was prying. “I find her lovely Dr. Bannion, so helpful and kind.”
“Good, good!” he said.
He gave me a hopeful smile and I smiled, too, but it hadn’t really calmed me at all. As a matter of fact, I felt unsettled by this meeting as I wasn’t at all sure why we had spoken.
Chapter 11
Friday had finally come. I was to go and see how the alterations turned out. Mrs. Mott went with me. Truthfully, I think she would have gone along no matter what.
It looked like rain and she said she had some money that Dr. Bannion left for emergencies. “If it rains hard we shall take a carriage back. We don’t want your new clothes getting drenched.”
New they were not, but they were new to me and that is what counted.
Mrs. Twig welcomed us. “I have everything in the back ready for you to try on.”
We hurried back there. Mrs. Mott asked if I minded if she stayed.
“No!” I said. “I want to know how it fits.”
Of course Mrs. Twigg was there too to see if the alterations were done correctly.
The dresses were lovely. I was so excited that I nearly pranced about.
“You see, it’s exactly right.” Mrs. Twigg announced. “Prim and proper yet feminine, too. I think you shall look a picture, Miss Baines. And they will wear well.”
She carefully folded everything and boxed it with special handles, the kind they use in quality dress making shops. I had seen my mother collect such purchases, on the rare occasion she had something made for herself or for one of us.
When everything was packed, Mrs. Twigg offered me her best wishes. “I hope your new position works out beautifully for you, Miss Baines. I am certain it will!”
I wished I could be as certain.
Mrs. Mott was as excited as I was. “We can’t just leave, two elegant ladies like ourselves, we shall have tea somewhere.”
I had the feeling Mrs. Mott was deliberately spending Dr. Bannion’s money and happily.
We found a nice little tea shop nearby. A waitress brought our tea and scones and clotted cream. It was quite elegant.
I had the feeling sitting there that there were things Mrs. Mott wished to tell me, I just didn’t know what they were, although I suspected all of it was related to her relationship with Bannion.
As I watched her I noticed little furtive movements, extra motions she would make—sil
ly careless gestures.
“Is everything alright, Mrs. Mott?”
She sighed. “I’m just feeling a bit thoughtful, I guess. Thoughtful and sad, too.”
She began to tell me how difficult she found it sometimes to put on a brave face. “It’s like wearing a mask and I sometimes don’t wish to. Besides, it’s no good to pretend, is it?”
I said I agreed whereupon she began to open up. Before too long she was telling me of her bereavement. “It was scarlet fever, Miss Baines.”
I patted her hand. “Please call me Rose,” I said.
She said that she would and she’d be happy to. Then she went on. “First the baby sickened and then the twins. They were only five. I didn’t get ill but my husband did. They were all taken to hospital and were gone within weeks.” She began to cry. “Sorry.” She said this as she dabbed at her eyes, trying unsuccessfully to dry them. At last she went on. “I just wandered for days in the streets, at least that’s what I was told. I do remember waking up in Marsh afterwards and not knowing where I was. I was there for a year…”
I took her hand. “I am so sorry, it must have been awful.”
“It was. But something good came of it…”
I wondered what she meant exactly. I wondered if she suspected I knew about her relationship with Dr. Bannion and it was to that she was referring.
She looked at me. “I quite like my life now. I mean Dr. Bannion is nice to work for and the house is lovely.”
I looked at her and wondered just how content she really was.
“Well,” she went on, “I have worries, silly fancies. I have always been like that. Give me something happy and I shall find something to worry about, Dr. Bannion often says.”
I think I knew what she meant. He didn’t like any problems or complications in his life.
We sat for some time over our tea and scones. And then at last, after innumerable long pauses, we left.
We did take a carriage too because it was raining in sheets.
“Well that’s spring for you,” Alice said. “April showers and all that.”
*
I spread my clothes out on the bed so I could stare at everything. I’ve always been like that. Truly, I couldn’t recall the last time I had gotten any new clothes or anything else for that matter.
It did feel good, I have to say.
Dinner was at seven. But it was just Alice and I, as Dr. Bannion had not come home.
“Please join me?”
She did and I was pleased. We both made polite conversation but there was so much heaviness weighing it down. Odd, I thought, how a person’s absence can make more of an impression than their presence.
If I thought there were long pauses in the conversation at the tea shop, it was worse now. For now she seemed removed and strange. And if that wasn’t bad enough, her mood seemed to alternate between anger and worry, with anger winning out.
I wanted to say something to ease her mind, but didn’t wish to intrude. So instead I asked her if she had ever seen the Darton children.
I was not prepared for her reaction. She became very agitated. “I only saw them once; really I only caught a glimpse of them one time when their mother came by. She had to call on Dr. Bannion about something.”
I took that as a welcome opportunity to discuss Mrs. Darton. “She’s quite a charming lady, isn’t she?”
Alice stared at me for a long time. I tried to read her expression but it was impossible.
I did sense that she didn’t like Mrs. Darton at all. “Please Alice, I hope you don’t mind me asking, but as I am going to work for them, do you think I shall like it there?
“I don’t know them really, Rose. Not well enough to voice an opinion.”
I watched her rise and begin to collect the plates. I had the distinct impression she was avoiding telling me what she really thought.
We did eventually adjourn to the parlor where she sewed whilst I read or pretended to read.
As it grew later and later, I wondered when Dr. Bannion might be arriving. Yet I didn’t make any reference to it at all as I thought it would greatly upset her. Instead I kept my nose buried in a book, Treasure Island this time.
There was a lot happening beneath the surface that was obvious. What it was I had no idea.
Finally, because of the dead silence and the repressed tension I felt, I decided to turn in. I bade Alice good night and crept up to my room.
I did not hear his carriage and when I woke in the morning, I was certain he hadn’t come home at all.
Truly, I was afraid to leave my room for fear as to how I would find Alice.
She did look as though she had been crying.
“Did you sleep well?”
The usual polite questions, albeit uninspired.
“Yes, pretty well, thank you.”
“Rose—”
“Yes?” Oh please, tell me. Please, you will feel better if you do. But she didn’t; she just said she had to finish her chores.
She added that she would be busy for the entire day with jam making.
As for me, I would have so much time to think and plan and wonder what was wrong.
Chapter 12
Things got better for the longest time. Dr. Bannion began to come home for dinner, which cheered Alice up, and I was pleased to see she no longer looked troubled.
I was feeling better, too, as there was no longer an air of tension. However, I was beginning to fret a bit about assuming my new position. I guess as the date drew closer it became daunting.
I was to leave in less than a week! In one week, I’d be put to the test. I’d have responsibilities, two children to look after and to teach.
In short, there would be no time for weakness or self-doubt, no time for sad and tragic ruminations on my troubled past.
How on earth would I manage?
I did speak with Dr. Bannion about it.
“It’s natural for you to feel this way Rose, but I assure you, you will be fine. Remember, the only reason for your stay at Marsh was what had happened…”
I knew that was true yet I was still worried, for it wasn’t as if my life had been happy before all of that.
My memory of my so-called suitor, John, had nearly faded. And what right did I have to think he’d been a suitor. anyway? It had never been allowed to come to that; my father had ensured that it wouldn’t.
As for the silly romantic notions of mine, I was now determined to put all of that aside for I felt it was not my fate to have love.
And as one morose thought replaced another I did also think it was not my fate to be happy but merely to cope. If that was so, it was the best I could hope for.
It went on like that, with me increasingly more worried. If Alice noticed she didn’t say anything, but that was because she seemed distracted, too.
I had quite gotten the impression that there were on-going rows between the two of them. It wasn’t that I overheard anything; it was more a case of feeling the ever increasing tensions within the house.
Dr. Bannion was coming home early, so it wasn’t that, it was something else. Something in the air—something I could not put my finger on.
I didn’t want these feelings of mine to continue unabated for I felt it would affect my behavior and attitude when I assumed my post.
My frame of my mind was not lifted by the weather, either. If Alice and I had thought spring would come early we had no reason to think that anymore, for the weather had turned cold and damp.
At the end of my last week there, the worst happened as Dr. Bannion began to arrive home late. This seemed to quite push Alice back so that she barely spoke to me. She’d be busy with her work and take her meals by herself at odd times, thus ensuring I would have already eaten by the time she did.
I felt sorry for her but still, did not wish to appear intrusive, so I did not ask if I could help her.
And then the day before I was to leave something very unexpected happened.
I read Alice’s journal.
I didn’t know she kept a journal, but she did and I am ashamed to admit that I did in fact read it.
If I had worries before, they were so much worse after I’d read the secret writings of a long-suffering woman, a woman who had doubts about someone I trusted, my doctor.
This is how it all happened, you see. We’d spent a dreadful evening, that last evening, waiting for Dr. Bannion to arrive.
Alice had made a lovely pork roast. “It’s a favorite of the doctor’s and I did want to do it up for him.”
I had the feeling she had done this to ensure he would come home for dinner.
It smelled delicious and I told her I should be frothing at the mouth if he didn’t come home soon, but as the clock ticked on, it became a rather stale and tasteless joke whereupon Alice suggested I eat.
“He can have it later when he gets here.”
I felt so badly, I was no longer that hungry, but ate for I didn’t wish to upset her any further.
She kept pacing back and forth but I did manage (after pestering her) to get her to sit with me at last.
“I wonder what’s keeping him?” she asked as she wrung her hands.
“Perhaps he is just late in leaving.”
He often did go in on Saturdays. And we did hear he was to go to Marsh this Saturday. “I shall be home early, I am sure.”
When I heard him say that I was delighted for I knew how pleased Alice would be.
“The roads might be bad.” I said this knowing full-well that the rain hadn’t really been too bad.
She shook her head and gave me a tremulous smile but didn’t reply.
The tension was awful as the hours wore on—finally her mood began to affect my own.
It got so bad that by half-nine I stood up to say I had to turn in for I could not stand the long silences any longer.
She nodded toward me and mumbled a good night.
I left her then, and though I did go immediately to bed, I found I could not sleep so I stole quietly into the hall. I could see her sitting in silence, her head down—as if her world had come to an end.
My heart broke for her. Best turn in, I thought. But then as I made my way back to my room I glanced into hers as the door was open. There on the bed was a journal. It was open.