Laura would have taken comfort if she had known the way that Alfred had reacted during her labour and when he had been told of the safe arrival. He had sunk into a chair and only when he had been handed a large glass of brandy had he been able to recollect himself enough to join in the conversation that was going on around him.
*
During the first week after Laura’s confinement, Alfred felt as if he had lost something. He had told Lord Halkyn everything that had happened to bring him to Home Farm and Lord Halkyn had assured him, in his own direct way that Laura was now his responsibility and he would make sure that she was settled somewhere safe and would be looked after. Alfred should have felt relief, and he did for Laura’s sake, but it also left him feeling hollow inside. He could not scrutinise his feelings as to why, he just acknowledged that he felt lost.
He wrote to Mr Frost and informed him of the developments. He thought it only fair to let his employer know what was happening. He also asked when he would be expected to return. For some reason, the thought of returning to his old life was no longer as appealing. He dreaded receiving the letter he would likely soon receive from Mr Frost, with instructions on when he would be due back. There was nothing he could do about it, because he felt that it was his livelihood and something that he was good at, but he had seen something different and it had unsettled him and made him want more.
It would also mean leaving Laura and the baby and he was not happy about that either. Laura was the only person that he had any real feelings for and the thought of never seeing her again, made him feel sick. Laura had tried to get him to promise that they would stay in touch, but the reality was, that once he had returned to London and she had gone goodness knows where, they would probably never see each other again. Work and cost would prevent them, they did not have the freedom that a genteel person had.
The baby. That was another issue. He knew Laura did not lie, especially to him, they may have only known each other a short time, but they had confided everything to each other. He trusted her and yet her announcement had seemed so out of character. He had not believed her, he had been so angry with himself and her, but then, in the depths of the night, he had wondered if it could be true. He would toss and turn and then get angry with himself for believing something that was obviously not true, and continue to torture himself until falling into a disturbed sleep.
It was these unsettling thoughts that took him to Laura’s bed chamber one morning. Lord and Lady Halkyn had not risen, and Charles and Martha were busy with their own duties. Alfred had waited until the maid had been in the room and then knocked quietly on the door. He heard Laura’s muffled voice and opened the door.
Alfred paused when he saw the look of surprise on Laura’s face. “Alfred?” she asked in wonder, never having expected to see him again, let alone in her bed chamber.
“I wanted to see how you were,” Alfred said gruffly, embarrassed now that he had done it, knowing clearly how inappropriate it was to enter a woman’s bed chamber, let alone one who was confined.
“Well you’d better come in then,” Laura responded, hiding the surprise and delight at seeing him. She knew she would have to tread carefully if not to cause another argument.
Alfred entered, and closed the door behind him. “I can’t stay long,” he said.
“That’s fine, it’s just good to see another face,” Laura said with a smile. “Charlotte and Martha are really kind, but unfortunately they can’t stay all day.”
“Are you being demanding?” Alfred asked with a grin, relaxing immediately with her.
“Of course,” Laura responded, “Would you expect anything else?”
“No,” Alfred admitted, sitting on a chair next to the bed. “How are you?”
“Bored,” Laura said with a groan. “They tell me I have to stay here another week, but I think I will go insane before then,” she explained.
“Like the outdoors now, do you? I thought we’d never get the city dweller out of you,” Alfred teased.
“I hate being inside, just as much as you,” Laura responded tartly, but then became serious. “I’ve missed our walks most of all.”
“I have too,” Alfred said honestly. “I am sorry for storming off and leaving you, if I’d have known the baby was going to arrive…..” he apologised.
“I know, you would never have left me,” Laura reassured him. “I didn’t realise it myself until you were no longer in sight.”
“It’s probably because of me that she came early,” Alfred said. That thought had haunted him, if anything would have happened to the baby, he was not sure he could have ever forgiven himself.
Laura reached over and took his hand, squeezing it. “As Martha said, they come when they are ready. I don’t think you had any effect one way or another. I am sorry we argued though,” she said, holding fast onto the rough hand, that she wanted to kiss, but could not for fear of him pulling away again.
“I am too,” Alfred acknowledged. “What you said….”
“Don’t let’s talk about it now,” Laura said. “I want to spend time with you were I am not afraid to say anything for fear you will walk away again. We have time in the future to talk about what I said,” she could not risk him withdrawing from her again, he meant too much. She had pushed him too quickly, too far, and now she must take things slowly and tell him the truth a little at a time.
“Are you sure?” Alfred said, feeling relieved and disappointed at the same time.
“Yes, I want to hear what has been going on while I’ve been missing,” Laura said, smiling.
They talked until Alfred decided that it was time he left. He had stayed for over an hour, far longer than he had anticipated, or Laura had hoped for. Throughout the whole time, Laura had kept hold of his hand and Alfred only pulled it away, after he had placed a kiss on her fingers.
“Go to sleep,” he instructed. “I can see I have tired you, rest now.”
“Yes, master,” Laura teased, but she snuggled into the pillows and pulled the cover up. “Will you return?”
“Yes, I shall see you tomorrow,” Alfred said, before leaving Laura to dream of houses in the country with Alfred and Frederica waving at her from the window.
Chapter 17
Charles was frustrated. He was not an unfeeling man and the arrival of Lord and Lady Halkyn meant that Laura would receive the support she deserved and which they all had been waiting for, but unfortunately for him, it meant more work. He did not mind that in principle, in fact it had been more like a holiday than work over the past few weeks, but more tasks to do in a day meant less time with Martha Fairfield, and that frustrated him.
He had planned to kiss her at every opportunity that presented itself, only with Lord and Lady Halkyn in the house, those opportunities were none existent. Martha spent her time between Lady Halkyn and Laura who was still confined and he spent his time with Lord Halkyn and Alfred. Only at the evening meal did they meet.
Martha looked more in control than ever. Charles could tell that she was more at ease now that there was no reason that she would find herself alone with him again. If he was a true gentleman he would leave her be and forget about her and what she meant to him, but in this matter he was not a gentleman, he was a man of business and he ached for Martha Fairfield.
Lord Halkyn had decided that Laura should stay in the area. That way, she would always have the support of Lord Dunham if she needed it. He had also decided in a name change.
“She should adopt Mrs Atkinson,” Lord Halkyn said to Alfred and Charles one morning. “It will help create a background for her, a young widow moving to the north, to escape her grief.”
“What about the staff here?” Alfred asked, not willing to examine why he did not like the term, Mrs attached to Laura’s name.
“They are loyal to the Dunham’s,” Lord Halkyn said, “that was proven time and again when Elizabeth stayed here. There will be no issue with them.”
“She will need a job,” Charles said, “But sh
e will struggle with the child.”
“She has told Charlotte she has some money set aside and I will provide her with an income, she won’t need to work if she chooses not to,” Lord Halkyn said.
“It is not your responsibility to look after her,” Alfred said, a little defensively.
Lord Halkyn, looked assessingly at the young man before him. He had always considered Alfred older than himself, when he had dealt with him previously, but he looked a lot younger now. He no longer bent slightly as he moved, almost as if he was ashamed of his height. He had filled out and was a healthy colour, hardly recognisable as the thin, drawn officer, who had attended his residence all those months ago.
Lord Halkyn had some sympathy with the young man, but he was also a man who was not used to indulging others, not until he had met his wife, at least. “And if not mine, whose is it?” he asked, with the raise of an eyebrow. “She saved my wife from goodness knows what, and directed her to me, and I shall be grateful to her until my dying day. So, yes, I do feel some responsibility for her, unless of course, you want to take over the role.”
Alfred glowered at Lord Halkyn’s mocking tone, which only amused the aristocrat even further. “I cannot support her, as you damn well know.”
Lord Halkyn laughed, “Well you could, but you obviously aren’t prepared to, more fool you, so I shall continue with my plans.” Lord Halkyn turned to Charles. “Please find a small cottage near here that would be suitable. I shall leave it to you to secure it. No doubt once it is secured my wife and Miss Fairfield will want to take a part in its furnishing, so just keep me informed and send me the bills,” he said dismissively.
Lord Halkyn left the room and the two men stared at the door for a moment in silence.
“I thought Lord Dunham was straight to the point,” Charles said, ruefully, trying to break the atmosphere.
“If I didn’t know that he was a decent man, I swear I would have to kill him,” Alfred ground out.
“That’s what I’d have said too, and I realise that we say this all too often when dealing with the aristocracy, but it is only his way,” Charles soothed.
“Yes, the perfect excuse for bad behaviour,” Alfred responded. “Would you like me to accompany you on your search for a cottage?” he asked.
“No, thank you,” Charles replied. “I had already heard of one, I was told about it while we were deciding on where Mr Lawson would live, so I will visit it before doing anything more. If it is not suitable, then I would welcome your help.”
Alfred accepted what Charles had said and then left him, as it was time to visit Laura. Everyone knew what happened every afternoon, and accepted that it was a part of the complicated relationship that the two shared. Charles had some sympathy with the pair, but if anyone knew of his own inner turmoil they would surely wonder what on earth had happened at Home Farm since the visitors had arrived.
The following morning Charles set off the visit the cottage. It was only a few miles outside of the Home Farm Estate and so he took his time, enjoying the feeling of not being on the alert for Martha, every time he left a room, or rounded a corner.
The visit went well and he returned to the estate, taking the long way around. He almost groaned with frustration when he turned into one of the lanes and saw Martha walking ahead. He stopped his horse when he reached her and dismounted.
“Good morning Martha,” he said.
“Good morning, Charles,” Martha responded calmly enough, but her skin was flushed since the moment she had realised who was approaching her. “Did your journey prove fruitful?”
“Yes,” Charles acknowledged. “The cottage is perfectly fine for mother and baby.”
“Good, Laura will be relieved. I know she has suffered from feeling uncertain about her future, no matter how often I have tried to reassure her,” Martha said
“I suppose it is easier to say words, than to believe them,” came the obtuse response.
Martha flushed a little deeper, not sure whether it was a dig at her or not. “I’m sure,” she murmured, but really did not wish to get into a deep conversation.
Charles changed the subject. “Have you responded to your brother yet?” What he really was asking was if she had sent the money to her family.
“Yes,” came the quiet response.
Charles sighed, “Martha, I know he is your brother and you care for him, but he should not have asked you for such an amount.”
Martha paused before replying. She actually agreed with Charles, Thomas could not help the situation they were in as such, but to ask a spinster for her life savings was condemning her to a life of goodness knew what struggles. As always though, Martha defended her brother. “We are a family and when one is trouble we help each other out.”
Charles was stung a little at Martha’s tone, “Well for your sake, and I mean this sincerely Martha, I hope he is there for you when it is your turn.”
“Well I am sure that if he isn’t, you will be standing in the background gloating,” Martha snapped, always ready to imagine the worst in the man stood before her.
At her words, Charles stopped in his tracks and turned to face her. “I don’t think I realised until today just how much you really do dislike me,” he said, his face an astounded expression, as if he could not quite believe it.
“I don’t,” Martha said automatically, but there was no conviction in her words.
“Don’t treat me as a fool Martha,” Charles snapped. “Here I am, thinking that underneath the bluster, the criticism and the put downs, that you have some affection for me, but you don’t, do you? You really must think me a cad if you would even consider that I would gloat at someone else’s misfortunes.”
“I don’t think that!” Martha said quickly. “It is just that where I am concerned, I think you dislike me no matter what I say or do,” she babbled.
“Where you are concerned?” Charles asked in disbelief. “I asked you to marry me, I kissed you, twice! How in the world would you think that I disliked you from those actions?”
“All your interference when we were last here and then at Dunham House, how could I not think that you disliked me?” Martha responded. “Whatever I did, you offered some comment or other, always interfering, always undermining.”
“Interfering and undermining?” Charles spluttered. He looked at Martha, she looked mortified and uncomfortable. How had he managed to create this amount of animosity by his actions? He could not believe how wrong he had been. He sighed and shook his head. “I was foolish at the start of our acquaintance Martha and god help me, I have suffered for it since.”
“I don’t understand,” Martha said, frowning and biting her lip.
“I saw you as this perfect woman, totally in control and a completely confident woman and clearly above my station. I wanted to ruffle your feathers. Maybe it was childish of me, but I did it out of attraction, I suppose. The problem I didn’t foresee was your immediate dislike which developed because of my actions, and how that has remained firmly in place ever since. I have tried time and again to offer help and support and been rejected at every turn, but I still tried. I had no idea that your responses were genuine and that you can’t abide me,” Charles explained, finally being able to put into words what he had been feeling for months.
“I don’t dislike you,” Martha said quietly.
“Oh do me the honour of not treating me like an idiot as well,” Charles said, his voice rising. “I tried to make amends for my foolishness and I thought, just the once at Dunham House, that I had succeeded, that you did think something of me, but I was obviously wrong. All that is now left for me to say is that I am sorry, for everything I have done, for making such a hash of things and choosing the one woman who was incapable of forgiveness. I sincerely apologise Martha, and please be assured that I will never trouble you again.”
Charles mounted his horse and rode away, he had been a fool. The one woman he had to go and fall in love with and she would never, ever, consider him as a husband
. What a damned mess.
Martha watched Charles ride away from her, rooted to the spot. He had said that he had been attracted to her from the start, she would never have imagined that his behaviour indicated that. Her head spun. He had liked her from the start?
Martha started to move towards the house. If Charles had liked her from the beginning, then that meant that his proposal was not so strange after all. She had condemned him for acting out of pity, when he must have been reacting on stronger feelings. Martha’s cheeks stung with the deep red that infused them as she walked. Never in her life had she been so mortified at her behaviour. She had insulted the man who had been consistent in his regard.
She understood the kisses, they were no longer to be considered as something that had occurred because he was plaguing her, but because they meant something. She reflected on her own behaviour and it did not bode well. She had been rude, dismissive and angry and all without justification. If she had not been so precious about her ranking, her importance in the family, she probably would have seen Charles’s actions for what they were.
She had responded to his kisses, and why? She had wanted them to happen, that was why, just as much as he had. Yes, they overwhelmed her, yes, the intensity frightened her, but she wanted them to happen. Just as in the same way that when she had seen him on his horse, her heart had started to pound, partly because she had expected him to stop and for a kiss to occur.
How arrogant she had been! How presumptuous, and how self-absorbed. The house came into sight, she could no longer hide the fact that most of the situation she was now in, losing the respect and affection of the one man who she cared for, was completely and utterly her own fault. She admitted to herself that she cared for him, how could she not? The acknowledgement could only add to her pain, it did not offer any comfort to her feelings.
After that first season, she had presumed that she would marry at some point, and look what had happened to bring her down to earth when she had been smug then. Her whole family had been almost ruined. She had accepted being a spinster, only allowing the longing for a husband and children to surface very occasionally and then be pushed down again, into the part of her heart that she rarely allowed out.
An Inconvenient Trilogy - Three Regency Romances: Inconvenient Ward, Wife, Companion - all published separately on Kindle and paperback Page 54