by Vella Munn
“Or your parents were dead,” Uncle Talio said. “Maybe you’d been stolen from them.”
Jay thought she might recoil, but she simply nodded, and he understood this had occurred to her before. “There are a lot of possibilities. Believe me, I went over and over them, but I couldn’t make something out of nothing.”
He couldn’t stay where he was any longer, not with her looking so alone. He stood, positioned himself behind her, and rested his hands on her shoulders, careful not to touch her flesh. “Then you came here, and Wolf reached out to you.”
“And you’re asking yourself if this is where you began,” Uncle Talio added.
She covered his left hand with hers but kept her attention on Uncle Talio. “Is that possible?”
Jay wasn’t surprised when his uncle didn’t respond, because only Winter could answer her question, not with a birth certificate but a feeling in her heart. Wolf’s howl.
“I wasn’t an easy child to be around,” she whispered. “I don’t remember wanting to be cuddled. No wonder no one stepped forward to adopt me. Sometimes I did things I shouldn’t have, just to see what kind of reaction I’d get. My probation officer called me an outlaw.”
“Probation?”
“I was a juvenile delinquent. Locked up for stealing when I was homeless.”
His hold on her shoulders tightened, and his heart ached. “You were homeless?”
“Self-imposed, because I kept running away. It was—I was always looking for something even though I wasn’t certain what it was.”
Something to belong to, a place maybe. “You had Wolf.”
“Not really, because, like I said, by my teen years I’d convinced myself that Wolf was a figment of my imagination. I wanted to be so damn mature, not rely on an imaginary creature.”
I did the same, turned my back on my spirit.
The silence following her comment about how she’d come to perceive Wolf wasn’t uncomfortable. He nearly thanked her for being so honest about her early years before he remembered her question about Yakanon. Wondering if his uncle was thinking the same thing, he looked at him.
Uncle Talio nodded. “Winter, you have proven yourself worthy of understanding why I said what I did when we first met.”
Under his hands, her body became wire-tight.
“That day, my spirit guided my words in ways it seldom does. Usually, Eagle rests in my heart, and I’m sure I’m on the path He wants me to be on. Restlessness had brought me to Potlatch. I thought maybe Eagle wanted me to tell my nephew something, to again try—but it wasn’t that. Only Jay can decide how he wants to walk through life.”
“But it wasn’t that,” Jay said hoping to bring his uncle back on track.
“No. Winter, you might not believe what I’m telling you, but, because of Wolf, you will. My role the other day was to hand you a message. Not just from my spirit, but others, as well.”
Her shaking increased, prompting him to reach over her shoulders and rest his fingertips on her throat. Close to her tattoo.
“Thunderbird does more than control storms. He gives Yakanon a voice.”
“Why does Thunderbird have to do that?” she asked.
“Yakanon doesn’t have form. He’s an essence, a sound, a message.”
When she muttered something that might have been a prayer, his heart went out to her.
“What is the message?”
Uncle Talio stared at the window then at her again. “It relieves my heart to realize Wolf resides in your soul. Maybe his presence will make this easier for you.” He sighed. “Yakanon’s voice is a lament for the death of a soulless one.”
“Soulless one?” she whispered.
As Uncle Talio started rubbing his thigh again, Jay wondered if he was aware of what he was doing.
“Eagle tells me that, through most of Hoh history, Yakanon seldom spoke. There was little need, because those who lived here walked a clear and righteous path, but there were a few times when the ancients heard Yakanon. Not even the shaman was certain whether the cry was for the living or dead.”
“Is the cry a warning?” she asked, leaning forward.
Uncle Talio’s features sagged. “My spirit hasn’t told me.”
“So.” She sighed. “There’s no way I can be sure whether Yakanon is saying someone without a soul has died or that death is coming.”
Uncle Talio extended a hand toward Winter. “I’m sorry. I wish I could tell you which it is. Jay, I’ve barely slept the past few nights. My heart is heavy.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked.
“Because you’ve already taken on so much.”
* * * *
Before they left Talio’s place, Winter helped Jay bring in enough wood for a couple of nights. Much as she’d wanted to hug Talio, she was afraid either the man or his spirit might be able to read her mind. Maybe Talio’s heart was heavy because he knew the wolf mask was missing from wherever it had come from. Perhaps he hadn’t said anything because he wanted to see if she was capable of being honest. Worthy of Wolf.
“He’s an amazing man,” she said as Jay and she neared Potlatch. “I can’t help but wonder…”
“What?”
She probably wouldn’t have responded if Jay hadn’t reached over and rested his hand on her thigh. Just like that, she mentally relived how she’d revealed what she understood about her past.
“This is going to sound crazy, but my childhood might have been different if I’d had someone, a grandfather maybe. I would have an anchor. Not need to rely on an imaginary playmate.”
“There’s nothing imaginary about Wolf for you.”
Propelled by the warmth over her knee, she squeezed his hand. “I know that now. If only there’d been someone I could tell about Wolf all those years ago.”
He threaded his fingers through hers. “Don’t. Live in the present.”
A present that revolved in large part around him.
“Thanks for helping with the wood,” he said. “My brother should have taken care of that.”
Unless Floyd had fled after killing Doc.
Half sick from the thought, she struggled to focus on her surroundings. The drizzle Olympic was well-known for gave the forest a misty quality. Between that and the setting sun, she felt caught in a netherworld where time didn’t matter. It was becoming dark, but that state might last for hours.
“What are you going to do next?” he asked as he pulled into the Potlatch parking area.
Out of the corner of her eye, she glimpsed his profile with the wilderness just beyond. The fingers of his left hand clenched the steering wheel.
“I’m not sure. I can’t leave.”
“How are you going to support yourself?”
She’d barely given that thought. Even with his question, it didn’t matter. “I should have worked on getting my information to the grant committee.”
“You couldn’t because you’re being bombarded with the question of who killed your friend.”
Except for Floyd, she’d talked to everyone she considered a suspect. As she slid around for a clearer view of Jay, she likened their relationship to glass. It might shatter.
“You can’t do anything tonight,” he said. “Let it be until morning.”
“I want to.”
He faced her. “Go to your cabin. Get some sleep.”
I don’t want to sleep. I want you.
The admission echoed, making her wonder how long it had been waiting to be expressed. “Jay?” Just saying his name made her shiver. She tried to calm herself by concentrating on unfastening her seat belt, but wound up cupping his hand between her palms.
“What?”
“I don’t— I’ve forgotten what I was going to say.”
“Have you?”
Jay’s black Hoh eyes dug past countless layers. He touched her heart and nerve endings, made her acutely aware that she was a woman.
“Come in with me, please.”
“You’re sure?”
&
nbsp; She nodded. “I’ve never been more sure of anything.”
Chapter Twenty-One
Winter had hunched her shoulders and held her collar against her throat during the short walk to her cabin, but the light rain reached her anyway. Her side next to Jay remained warm while the other became chilled. The splat-splat of drops striking the path gave the evening a rhythm but made listening for Wolf difficult. If Jay had asked what was on her mind, she would have told him she was hoping Wolf would approve of what they were about to do. But even if her spirit didn’t, she wouldn’t have changed her mind.
They had tonight.
As soon as they stepped inside, Jay started crumpling newspaper in preparation for starting a fire. She got a towel from the bathroom and dried her hair. After closing the wood stove door, he took the towel from her. Unsure what to do with herself, she removed her jacket and laced her fingers together.
“I have food if you’re—”
“Not now.”
Watching him remove his coat tightened her throat. He still had on his Forest Service uniform, not that it mattered, because she was seeing the man and not the federal employee.
“My uncle wants to accept you,” he said. “But he isn’t sure yet.”
Talio wouldn’t want to have anything to do with her if he knew what she’d done with the wolf mask. Maybe his admitting he couldn’t sleep had been his way of hinting about his knowledge.
No. Talio didn’t play games.
“What’s wrong?” Jay asked. “Maybe his hesitancy concerns you.”
“It’s not that. I comprehend his reservations. He’s everything the words ‘Native American’ represent, while I…”
He brushed damp hair back from her face. “Just be you.”
For tonight, his touch and expression seemed to say that only the two of them mattered. She could love a man like this. Maybe she already did.
No. Love didn’t happen in the space of a few days. Desire, yes, wanting to sleep with him, certainly yes, but love took time.
More than she’d ever taken.
“I shouldn’t have said that,” he said with his hand against the side of her neck. “I’m telling you to be comfortable in your skin when I’m not in mine.”
She continued to lean into his touch. “You’re not?”
“I’ve been lying to myself.” He pressed his mouth to her forehead. “All my damn insistence that I’m content living in today’s world—it isn’t that simple.”
Thunder rumbled, sounding so far away it barely made an impact, although maybe the truth was she couldn’t concentrate on anything except what Jay was saying and her need for him. Casting aside all doubt and fear, she flattened her hands over his chest.
“We’re both on journeys,” she said. “Attempting to weave the ordinary world with something that goes far beyond that.”
His expression eased a little. “Thanks for keeping it basic.”
They kissed, not a simple thing, nothing gentle or questing about the contact. Ruled by want, she wrapped her arms around his neck, rose onto her toes and pressed her body against his. All the while, his lips bruised hers, and she met his message with her own. Thunder grumbled again, adding strength to her desire. She felt drunk. His erection pushed at her. Moist heat flooded her crotch. Her mouth still sealed to his, she whimpered.
His greater strength closed around her. Held her prisoner against his fierce male body.
“Wait.” The single word from masculine lips vibrated through her. “Something—” Groaning, he forced distance between them while still holding onto her. “Protection. We need—”
“I’m on the pill. I don’t sleep around, but I’m not a nun. I’m also not good mother material right now.” Someday, please.
“I have condoms. For the record, they’ve been in my wallet for a while.”
“I want you,” she managed.
“I’ve hoped this would happen from the first time I saw you.”
She couldn’t say the same, because, back then, concern for Doc had consumed her, but this was tonight. After he’d settled her arms by her sides, he reached for her shirt’s top button. Suddenly weak, she locked her knees.
“Thanks for showing your tattoo to my uncle,” he said.
Speak. Don’t miss anything. “I had to. If anyone can explain the connection between Wolf and me, it’s him.”
“He won’t spell things out for you. He believes it’s your journey.”
Her eyes burned, but for one of the few times in her life, she didn’t care whether someone saw her emotions. “At least he knows.”
Even with desire filling her veins, she wished Jay would say more about his uncle’s reaction to the wolf likeness. Maybe after they’d had sex, he would—what was going to take place between them? Was it simply sex or were they after lovemaking?
Feeling as if she was being tossed between two very different acts, she didn’t move as Jay slowly dispensed with her shirt. To her mind, sex was a physical act, bodies seeking and achieving satisfaction. Lovemaking went deeper and was a place she felt a stranger to. She’d wanted to fall in love, had twice believed that was what she felt, but the condition hadn’t lasted.
Looking into Jay’s dark eyes, she realized it was different this time. No matter what happened tomorrow, she’d never forget him.
And in the world she desperately needed, what had begun between them would never end.
“Lovely,” he muttered. “Perfect.”
Where had she gone while he was unfastening her bra? Judging by how she was shaking, obviously her body had remained in the moment.
“Will you do something for me?” he asked. “I’d like to watch you get rid of the rest of your clothes.”
Her garments consisted of jeans, panties, socks and tennis shoes, none of them seductive, but she wanted to please Jay. She sat on the side of the bed and leaned over to untie the laces. Her newly exposed breasts and firm nipples were now in full view.
“You’re making me crazy.”
Still bent over, she studied him. He’d gone to the table and leaned his hip against it. His fingers were maybe a foot from her laptop where she’d read Doc’s confession. If anything was to come of what was beginning between them, she’d have to tell him what Doc and Floyd had done.
But not now.
She dispensed with her shoes and socks, then stood. She managed to unhook her jeans before Jay’s stare got to her. He’d cupped himself, and his head was tilted to the side. Sucking in her stomach, she eased down the zipper and pushed the denim over her hips. Excitement had already drenched her panties, her teeth felt as if they were floating and she kept having to swallow.
Despite her clumsy fingers, she got the denim past her buttocks. An awkward shimmy resulted in a wad of fabric around her ankles. She had to sit down to finish the job. Then, she stood and took hold of her practical white panties. Wishing they were red or black and hugged her navel, she started them on a downward journey.
“Wait.” He pushed away from the table. “My turn.”
She had no objections. She even managed to stay in place when he pressed his palm against her belly. Shaking, she planted a hand on his shoulder to brace herself and lifted one leg and then the other so he could slip her feet through the panties. The job done, she stood naked and vulnerable before him. He settled his hands over her hips before leaning down and running his lips over her tattoo. Need crackled. Her nipples ached and heat built on heat in her core.
“The bed.”
Galvanized by his raw order, she stumbled over to it and collapsed. She covered the wolf head with one hand and cupped her mons with the other. “Your turn. I need you naked.”
“Maybe you want to—”
“I can’t. Please do it.”
Jay Raven dispensed with his clothes, keeping her riveted on every move. She didn’t care that he had a matter-of-fact way about him. He was doing this for her. His body wasn’t perfect. A surgical scar on his right elbow and a wide, pale-healed gash over his left calf
spoke of a physical life. Fine, dark hairs dusted his chest and ran down his flat belly. When he revealed it to her, his fierce, jutting cock stopped her breathing. He hadn’t been circumcised.
Wonderful, she wanted to tell him. You’re wonderful. Instead, she pressed her legs together.
“You’re all right?” he asked.
“What? Yes.”
“You look, I’m not sure, scared.”
If she was afraid of anything, it was herself. She’d never wanted something as much as she wanted Jay inside her. Sex might destroy her, emotionally rip her apart, but it was worth it. “Come here.”
He nodded then picked his jeans up off the floor, extracted his wallet and pulled out a foil-wrapped package. Seeing the condom in his hand made what they were going to do even more real.
When he sat on the bed next to her, his greater weight pulled her toward him. She’d never ripped herself open to anyone like she’d done with Jay Raven.
“I think,” she said, “we shouldn’t talk about certain things.”
He rested his hand on her thigh. “I’m not interested in talking.”
Of course he wasn’t. When he turned toward her, she placed her fingers on either side of his face and touched her lips to his chin. “I haven’t had much success with relationships.”
“I failed a pretty big one myself.”
She took a deep breath. “Tonight’s all that matters.”
“What about tomorrow?”
“I want it to be good for us, but I can’t promise—”
“One step at a time.” His breath dampened her face. “That’s how we have to do this.”
“You’re right.” No insane thoughts about walking hand in hand into the future.
His fingers began a slow, seductive march up her thighs toward that already heated place. “I’d like to have tomorrow off and spend it with you.”
Yes! “Maybe you could take me to some of your favorite places. No agenda, just…”
“The two of us?”
Speechless, she again pressed her lips to his chin. He looked down at his hands as if reminding her of what he was doing
She spread her legs and fell back on the bed. He propped himself on one elbow, then brushed her sex with a work-roughened finger. Gasping, she dug her nails into the cheap spread.