“Happy Easter, you wild bunny, you,” I said. I sat down next to her and carefully rammed a humorous pair of bunny-ears-on-a-hair-barrette on her head. She gave me a withering look. Oddly, the ears helped.
She pulled a fuzzy ear tip down where she could peer at it. “How exactly did the manifestation of the central event of Christianity result, through the centuries, in me wearing these goddamn ears and setting out huge heaping buckets of chocolate?”
Meanwhile I had noticed that her present state of collapse was causing her robe to open, displaying gorgeous legs and just a hint of blonde curls. I was suddenly completely awake for the first time that morning. Maybe there was time to celebrate this joyous holiday after all…
Kelly continued to complain to the ceiling. “It's not like Jesus went around handing out Skittles to the cripples. 'Here, take thee and partake of the fish and the loaves and the bite-size Butterfingers.' What the hell are you doing?”
“I'm hunting for Easter eggs.”
“I'm pretty… um… pretty sure I didn't hide any there. Oh.”
“Can't be too sure, it looks like a nice soft place to hide stuff.”
“Ah, Jesus… just a little faster… hey! Stop that! The kids are gonna come downstairs any second!” She tried pulling her robe closed but my higher brain functions had gone back to sleep, the beast was in control, and I had a good lock on her thighs.
“We'd better hurry then, huh? C'mon babe, you're no bunny 'til some bunny loves you. Hey, look, I found candy!” I pulled a cherry lollipop out of the leftover bag and began running it between her furry lips. Two great tastes… She didn't object, not in so many words, so I decided to see if rapid rubbing against a g-spot could help me get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Tootsie Pop. I made sure to keep it well lubricated by pulling it out and sucking on it now and then. I even gave her my best blow-job impersonation; propping the stick against her clit and bobbing up and down on the “head”. With one hand she grabbed my head and guided me. I couldn't see where the other hand was, but it was fun to think about.
“Yeah, baby, take it all,” she cried, quietly. She pumped her hips back and forth, sorta joking and sorta getting off on it. “Suck! Suck it, oh god… Hey, my turn!” Kelly scooted backwards up the back of the couch and moved over so I could sit down. I handed her the sucker, but she just smiled and said she had better.
She worked my shorts off — she always pulls them off flat to my body, she says she likes watching my dick fwap against my stomach — and kneeled between my legs. She smacked her lips like Wile E. Coyote spotting the Roadrunner, letting her tongue sweep from one corner of her mouth to the other, and then she smiled up at me as she grabbed the base of my cock with one hand and brought out her other hand out to produce… a chocolate bunny. I think I just gave her a dumb look, and then she grinned, twisted the head off the poor little rodent and jammed it over the head of my dick. I couldn't help laughing, it fit perfectly, and it gave my genitalia such a festive look. Then I saw how she was looking at it, and ice water ran down my spine. I've seen how she eats chocolate bunnies. “Um, you're not gonna bite the head off, are you?”
Kelly just grinned again and stroked my shaft before she started nibbling on “my” ears. “Oh, yum. This is much better than the old way.” In her hand our new rabbit friend bowed and waggled at me. Kelly thoughtfully supplied the dialogue. “Here comes Peter Cottontail, fucking down the bunny trail!” She grabbed a firm hold on the base, rubbing me gently with her thumb, and then abruptly bit off one of the ears.
I tried to jump back, but she had me pinned. “Agh! Damn, woman, take it easy!”
Saliva and melted chocolate was running down her face, across her breasts and all over my crotch. “No,” she said happily, and she bit off the other ear. I reached down to grab her head and rescue my rabbit but she quickly took my entire “head” into her mouth and moved her hand up and down to match her motions. I magnanimously decided to let her continue. The noises I was trying not to make were just to reassure her of her abilities, honest. The feeling was incredible; as the chocolate crumbled and melted inside her mouth she moved faster and faster, letting the candy drip down and cover her hands.
After far too short a time she stood up and leaned over me. Most of the bunny was gone now, but there was a huge amount of melted chocolate smeared all over her upper body and a wild gleam in her eyes. I grabbed hold of her hips as she turned away from me and, without any hesitation, sat down hard on my candy-coated dick. My scream burst against my clenched teeth and I could feel her swallowing her own gasps as she sank to the hilt and her tight ass pressed hard against my lap. I think she had planned to guide the ride, but things were moving too fast and I had my own ideas anyway. Wrapping my fingers around her bountiful breasts, rubbing gooey chocolate over and around her nipples, I leaned forward and whispered into her ear, “Hippity hoppity.” Then I gripped her hips and started jackhammering, figuring if I wasn't going to last any longer there was no reason she should.
Neither one of us did. We both bounced wildly on the couch, trying desperately to drive me farther and farther into her, and we had just found the right cadence and I felt that incredible feeling of hot liquid fire rushing from my balls and I could tell that she was desperately straining to wait for me when we heard the kids' bedroom door open.
Many things happened simultaneously: Kelly stood up, my dick fwapped into my stomach again (leaving a phallic chocolate silhouette this time), I grabbed our clothes, Kelly threw some cushions over our new milk chocolate wet spot, and we both dashed for the downstairs bathroom even as the kids came bounding down the stairs. It was a tie, and we closed the bathroom door just as the first cries of greedy happiness began.
Kelly and I stood in the bathroom, shaking with laughter and need and adrenaline. She was leaning against the door with me right behind her so we could both listen, but we weren't really paying much attention. Kelly was squeezing her thighs together over and over and I think my dick was humming, we were still so close. She looked up at me, eyes wide and pleading, then turned quickly and leaned towards the sink as I sank right into the heat of her climax. Her sweet gooiness gripped me with rhythmic pulses and my furious spurting followed right after, followed by a few minutes of breathless panting and giggling and a good twenty minutes of two grownups trying to silently wash themselves in a bathroom sink.
Hippity hoppity.
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Are You and Your Genitals Sexually Compatible?
It's important to know. Can you trust your squishy bits to always have your best interests at heart? Are you set for the long haul together?
It's a proven medical fact that better than three-quarters of humanity possesses genitals, and not everyone gets along with theirs. For every person that has a healthy and mutually satisfactory relationship with the contents of their drawers, there are ten people locked in a life-or-death struggle for day-by-day supremacy that affects every part of their lives (National Census, 1993). Sure, they look normal, walking along with a slight hunch, but you never know when a surprise coup from down below will strike and cause them to run screaming along the street, clutching at themselves and inadvertently raping entire youth groups.
How well do you get along with your own package? Take this handy quiz and find out!
How long have you and your genitals been together?
a. We discovered each other in the crib
b. I've seen them hanging around here and there, but we really got to know each other as teenagers
c. Since high school, but we really only see each other at parties
d. I am still not entirely sure where they are, exactly
Do you like the same people that your genitals like?
a. I don't know anybody that my genitals don't like, not for long
b. Usually, my parts have pretty good taste
c. No, for some reason my genitals do not seem interested in anybody that would, say, qualify for a home loan
d. I have wo
ken up next to things that would be kicked out of a swamp
Are your genitals considerate of your true feelings?
a. I don't believe I've ever had any true feelings that didn't directly involve my genitals
b. Most times, although they have interrupted the occasional business meeting
c. Rarely, sometimes they act as if I'm not even here
d. I exist solely as the delivery and transport system for my genitalia
What best describes your genitals' relationship to you?
a. best friend
b. rambunctious but cuddly pet
c. global positioning system
d. relentless arch-enemy
What best describes your relationship to your genitals?
a. best friend/lover
b. parent/advisor
c. keeper/wrangler
d. slave/washcloth
When you argue with your genitals, who wins?
a. We act as one in all things, whether it's sex, economics or even what dish soap to buy
b. I usually have the upper hand
c. They do, but only after a long screaming match that often results in broken crockery and police intervention
d. I was overpowered by my genitals at a young age, branded and forced to ever do their bidding
What about affection? Do you kiss or caress your genitals?
a. Only when we both want to — we respect each other's needs
b. Yes, but no tongues
c. Only when I want sex
d. To the point where I am experiencing difficulty finishing this quiz
Do you have pet names for your genitals?
a. Yes, something descriptive involving size or power, i.e. “The Crowd Pleaser” or “The Sperminator”
b. Yes, something cutesy, i. e. “Little Brian” or “Miss Muffy”
c. No, we're not on speaking terms
d. Yes, something descriptive involving our relationship, i.e. “Little One-Eyed Bastard” or “That Goddamn Sin-Hole”
Do you mesh well in your basic goals in life?
a. Yes, we both have an appreciation for life and its beauties
b. Yes, although some of my own goals aren't quite as sticky
c. No, if left to my own devices my goal would definitely not be to prong the waitress with the big boobs and hairy knuckles, or to go home with the aluminum siding salesman with the missing ear
d. All my youthful dreams and aspirations have been subsumed in the ravenous appetites of my loins
Do your genitals ever embarrass or humiliate you in public?
a. No, we work as a well-oiled team, oftimes literally
b. No, I learned long ago to unconditionally support anything they do to avoid looking ineffectual
c. Yes, especially during school functions and medical examinations
d. Yes, I find that I could only attract more attention to my groin if I were to hang a live wombat around my waist, on fire.
Do your genitals ever prevent you from doing the things you'd like to do?
a. I don't understand the question
b. No, what they do is natural and normal and I carry them proudly, like a new parent
c. No, I just pointedly ignore them the way you would an incontinent dog
d. Yes, I would have liked to be able to go back to St. Peter's someday, but it's too late for that now
You and your genitals are at a party. Are they most likely to:
a. hang out by the punchbowl, chatting it up with whoever comes by
b. keep to themselves, avoiding conversation, possibly napping
c. make a spectacle of themselves, taking center stage, wearing bizarre attire, leading a chorus of “Fat-Bottomed Girls,” and so forth
d. start a brawl, take hostages, and finally get subdued by NATO anti-terrorist specialists with really good aim
Do your genitals ever get jealous of the time you spend with others?
a. No, they're good at insinuating themselves into any conversation, even with people they've just met
b. No, they're very shy and even hide when I try to introduce them
c. Yes, they have been known to actually attack people that don't observe the posted signs
d. No, but I get murderously jealous of the time they spend with others, the cheating scum
How would you characterize the sex life between you and your genitals?
a. Equal, fulfilled, empowering
b. Happy, awkward, bumbling
c. Furtive, one-sided, possibly illegal, certainly embarrassing
d. Grievous bodily harm
What sort of relationship do you see between you and your genitals in 30 years?
a. Lovers, friends, compadres
b. Neighbors, nodding acquaintances, fellow retirees
c. Predator and prey
d. Israel and Palestine
=================================
If you had mostly A answers:
Congratulations! You get along famously, with virtually no conflicts at all! You're proud of your genitals and you don't have any crippling ego problems that would force you to belittle them to better your own ends. You probably take them everywhere with you, no matter what the social occasion, and proudly introduce them as your “better half”. I foresee a long, happy life for you and your basket, full of hopes, dreams, and little absorbent tissues.
If you had mostly B answers:
You have a comfortable relationship, you and your crotch, with a few points of dispute here and there but nothing really damaging. You might consider therapy, or perhaps take a long vacation together, just the two of you. Spend some romantic time in each other's company and I think you'll be pleasantly surprised at how well you mesh. You'll feel like a teenager again, if you can find one.
If you had mostly C answers:
There are some deep-seated problems here, ones that you'll need to address immediately. It's not too late! If you and your genitals really want to make this work, and you're both willing to make the necessary sacrifices, you can still make this relationship last. You may also consider seeing other genitals, to make sure that you're really right for each other. There are many doctors that can help you with this, at increasingly affordable prices.
If you had mostly D answers:
Get out, immediately! You are locked in an abusive relationship, one that can only damage you later. You should immediately contact a voluntary clinic for advice on how to get out of the house safely. They can also advise you on the best ways to remove yourself from the vicinity of your genitalia completely, and how to get a restraining order. This will be very difficult for you — victims of genital abuse almost always resist being physically separated from their abusers, but I assure you it's all for the best. Genital abuse invariably leads to blindness, moral decay, sleep deprivation, and, in extreme cases, charley horses. Seek help.
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Truth in Seduction
“Hi, Joe.”
“Hey, Bill. Beer?”
“Thanks. Say, who looks desperate and non-judgmental tonight?”
“Hmmm. There's Jackie crying over by the jukebox, her divorce just came through and her husband brought a date to the final signing. The blonde over there, she's pissed at her mom right now for trying to control her life so I'd say she's ready to defy some authority, and Sara Jean at the end of the bar is just plain horny.”
“Sounds good. What's she drinking?”
“Tonic water, but she's pretending it's gin.”
“Send her one from me, willya? Thanks.”
“Here you are, ma'am.”
“Oh, thank you. Which pathetic jerk is this from?”
“Bill, over there. The pudgy one with the puppy dog eyes and the hard-on you can see from here.”
“Sigh. Best I can do right now, I guess, since I have such a low self-esteem and don't feel I deserve anyone decent. Thanks.”
“Hi.”
“Hi, thanks for the drink. I suppose this obli
gates me to listen to your lame and unoriginal sexual offer now?”
“Yup. I just came in and I couldn't help noticing that while you're sure as hell not the most attractive woman here, you're probably the easiest. Can I flirt with you and toy with your hopes for a bit before we go back to your place and fuck?”
“Sure. I'm looking at you like you're slimy and congenitally insane, but I've secretly decided to get laid tonight no matter what. My name isn't really Mindy but you can call me that, since if I give you my real name you might stalk and kill me.”
“Great, now I don't have to find somebody else. I'm Matt, as far as you know, and I'm hoping you don't notice the un-tanned skin on my ring finger.”
“Noticed it when you came in, but I won't mention it if you won't. Obviously your wife must be a total bitch or you wouldn't be here, and maybe I can break you two up. Come here a lot?”
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