a. voting
b. soap operas
c. trains
d. a guy named Sid
e. scuba suits with the nipples cut out
16. Hoot Island patrons would probably appreciate a knismolagniac - they get get turned on from:
a. laughing
b. tickling
c. falling off furniture during sexual congress
d. falling off a municipal bus during sexual congress
e. engaging in an act of sexual congress with a member of Congress
17. Which word does not mean “arousal from person of same sex”:
a. iterandria
b. uranism
c. sexual inversion
d. selglalia
e. lung-yang
18. I could be considered a nanophiliac because all of my lovers have been:
a. short
b. incontinent
c. indiscriminating
d. big busted, thank heaven
e. blind, deaf, and apparently unable to smell
19. Pareunasthenia is a fancified word for:
a. a sexual attraction to sea bass
b. male masturbation with the hole in a 45 rpm record
c. sex involving runny cheese
d. a desire to pollinate flower displays in store windows
e. a limp willy
20. Perhaps the strangest fetish of all is normophilia, which refers to:
a. an attraction to fat guys on barstools
b. a desire to have sex the same way your neighbor does, but better
c. a preference for being ravished by William, Duke of Normandy
d. those only aroused from acts considered normal by their particular society or religion
e. a fetish for men with penises of exactly average size, to be determined by means of a measuring tape, a micrometer, a weight scale, and the latest copy of Cosmo
Answers:
1 b, 2 d, 3 a, 4 e, 5 c, 6 b, 7 d, 8 a, 9 e, 10 c, 11 b, 12 d, 13 a, 14 e, 15 c, 16 b, 17 d, 18 a, 19 e, 20 d
All terms taken from Encyclopedia of Unusual Sex Practices by Brenda Love. I recommend it; it's guaranteed to make you feel better about your own twisted perversions.
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Porn Drinking Game
“Hey, Jimmy! Glad you could make it, dude!”
“Me too, man. Didn't think I'd make it. Yo! Beer over here!”
“You got some catching up to do, Jimbo, I'm way ahead of you. You look like you could still legally drive, and I know your daddy taught you better than that. Where's your manners?”
“No problem, you just limit yourself to drinking with one hand at a time and I'll catch up pretty quick. Hey, what's going on over there? They watching the game? Who's playing?”
“Chasey Lane and Juli Ashton, I think.”
“Yeah… what?”
“They're watching a porno, man. Porno drinking game. Hey, you wanna get toasted fast, that's the way to go.”
“What, like that Bob Newhart game where you drink when someone says 'Hi, Bob'?”
“Oh, there's shitloads of drinking games. Every popular TV show has one, and there's about a zillion Star Wars drinking games. The thing is, you drink when certain things happen or certain things get said. Sometimes you take a drink, sometimes you have to slam whatever you're holding. You up for it?”
“Um, I…”
“C'mon over. Hey guys, mind if we sit in?”
“WHOOO! Drink! Drink!”
“What? What happened?”
“Too late for that one, man. One of the girls just said, 'I've never done this before,' that's a drink. Drink up!”
“Oh, right…” (gulp)
“Drink, Jimmy! He's going down on her!”
“Why didn't we drink when she was blowing him?”
“Cuz that happens in every movie, if we did that people'd be passing out during the opening credits. You gotta wait for the more occasional things. Like that! Drink it all, Jim! Quick, she's coming! Okay, he's driving it home. Now, fill up your mug, you're gonna need it.”
“Why? What's up?”
“You gotta be ready in case they… there! They switched to the under-the-balls camera angle! Now you have to start drinking and keep going until they switch angles again. Go!”
“Okay…” (gulp, gulp, gulp, gulp, gulp, cough, cough, gulp, cough, gulp, cough, ack, koff) Jesus, how long does it last?”
“Hell, that one angle lasts longer than my whole evening, man. Wipe your face, we've got a long way to go. Hey barkeep! Fill 'em up!”
“No ones drinking now, what's up?”
“Aw, he's just fucking her. Be thankful they don't keep switching back to the under-the-balls shot, I almost died of alcohol poisoning once during “In & Out & In & Out”.
“So we're good for now?”
“Just for a minute. Okay, they're coming up to the money shot, get a mouthful of beer.”
“Oh, god, why?”
“Cuz when he pulls out for the popshot, you spit. Thar she blows! (gulp) Ptooey! Ptooey!”
“Spaaauugh!”
“Nice one, but it looks better if you spit it out in three tight squirts.”
“Jesus Christ. No wonder you get blotto on this.”
“Yep. We've got a bit of breathing time while they do plot shit, so I'll give you some tips. Okay, you really should drink out of bottles for this game. Long necks are the best, for obvious reasons. There's a whole separate set of rules for bottles. See, if she deep throats him you gotta drink with as much of the bottle in your mouth as you can handle. If she wraps her tits around him while she's blowing him, you have to stick your hands in your shirt and use both of them to grab your beer, and then chug.”
“Does anybody ever make it all the way through?”
“Sometimes, when the union guys come in. Okay, she's sucking on both of those guys, so take both of these bottles.”
“What? Wait a minute…”
“C'mon man, do me proud! If it was a guy with two girls you'd have to drip from two mugs into your mouth at the same time. Don't spill man, don't spill!”
“Mmmggllphh! Cough, cough. Shit. Oh, well. what's next. Why is everybody looking at me?”
“I told you not to spill, boss, now you're the gangbanger. You're just fucking lucky that wasn't Peter North in that scene, you'd have had to finish off whatever you were holding.”
“What the hell is a gangbanger?”
“Don't worry about it, it probably won't come up… oh, shit, sorry dude. You're the gangbanger all right.”
“What the hell does it mean?”
“See all those guys standing around the girl on the pool table?”
“Yeah? So? What, I gotta drink out of everyone's beer or what?”
“Hey, that's pretty good, but no. You just sit there, and when they all start shooting, everyone stands up and—”
“What… Hey! Motherfucker! Agh, goddammit! Get the fuck away from me! Jesus!”
“—pours out their drink on your face. Better learn to swallow faster, that's always my advice.”
“Yeah, thanks a whole hell of a lot. Jesus, look at this.”
“Hey, there's worse. We could be watching German porn.”
“No thanks. Dammit. So what… oh, yuck! Why's everyone throwing up! Ayuch! What the hell does that mean?”
“Huh? I don't… oh, I see. It's not a regular rule.”
“What the hell is it, then?”
“It means Ron Jeremy took his pants off onscreen in a movie made after 1985. Oh, wow.”
“Ewww, I see what you mean.”
“Yeah, I'm all sober again now. Let's go home.”
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All We Want for Christmas Is…
Ah, Christmas, our economic and religious shot in the arm. The time for all of us to reflect on our loved ones, and the spirit of giving, and what the fuck to give our loved ones when they won’t goddamn tell you what they want for Christmas and you have to guess and you know it�
��ll always be wrong. The time for everyone to rush out and join what is apparently every other human being born since the beginning of time who have all decided to go to the same mall and write checks without bringing ID. And unless you are exceptionally fortunate, you and your loved one are in the same frustrating position you were in last year — you have no earthly idea what to get them.
Or, worse, you have no idea what to ask for. I mean sure, there's stuff you want, but if you're like me you either save up and buy it yourself or you hope your Significant Other will somehow guess what you want. It's like a gift loses its appeal if you have to ask for it. Shouldn't she know? Months before Christmas my wife will start asking me what I want and I always go blank. Moments before I may have been thinking “Gee, I'd sure like to have a graphics tablet, or The Simpsons Second Season DVD set, or the hardback Alias collection, and that 6’ gargoyle at Spencer’s would look pretty cool in the bedroom,” but as soon as she asks — voomph. I got nuthin', it's like my brain was an Etch-A-Sketch and as soon as she asked someone snuck up behind me and shook it. So when she asks what I want for Christmas I usually say something smart-ass like, “A blowjob, why?”
Ladies, this may sound familiar. You ask a guy a serious question and he answers with some lame toss-off answer like that. Well, speaking for guys around the world, I'm here to reveal the sincere and honest truth:
We're serious. We really do want a blowjob.
And so I'd like to present to you all the entirely plausible reasons why you should grant your guy a little Christmas cheer under the covers next Monday morning.
* It's cheaper than a set of tires.
* He was really, really good this year.
* You don't have to worry about the vagaries of the United States Postal Service.
* If you don't do it, Santa has to.
* You can probably talk him into giving you a backrub right afterwards.
* Who are we kidding, you can probably talk him into giving you a new living room set right afterwards.
* 10 minutes and your shopping is done.
* You don't have to wade through crowds to get his gift (if you do have to wade through crowds, maybe you should rethink this relationship)
* You don't have to worry about where to hide his gift beforehand.
* It's a pretty safe bet that at least this year his mom won't be able to get him anything better and outclass you.
* You don't have to worry about your credit card balance, bank account or grocery money.
* You can make him make those weird little whimpering noises.
* His balls ring, are you listening?
* You don't have to worry about getting him the wrong brand, the wrong color or the wrong model.
* Depending on your technique, you probably don't have to get batteries.
* It's one less gift you'll have to wrap.
* It's extremely unlikely he gave himself one before you could give him yours.
* It's so refreshing to finally enjoy having one of your gifts returned
* You can put a ribbon on your own head and give him a “bowjob”.
* You don't have to worry about whether or not he already has one.
* It'll never be one of those presents he just pretends to like and then “accidentally” breaks the first day.
* You won't have his entire family watching him open his present and muttering about it, unless you have an exceptionally open attitude about these things.
* You don't have to keep track of the receipt.
* It'll fit. I promise.
* You don't have to worry about the online company going bankrupt before shipping.
* It's the hot gift this year, like robot dogs, GameBoy Advanced and those damn scooters, and you don't have to scurry store-to-store to get it.
* He'll be much more relaxed when your family arrives and maybe this year you can avoid the traditional after-dinner “are you all fucking insane?” speech.
* You can go back to sleep right afterwards, honest.
* The Santa at the mall told him he'd get one.
* Away in this manger, there'll be room for some head.
* You can use the extra cash for your own present.
* You can wrap red ribbon around it and make a candy cane. ? With any luck he won't wake up until you're almost through and you can avoid the inevitable cries of “Suck Dasher, suck Dancer!” and “Oh sweet Jesus, here comes Santa Claus!”
* If you wear those little jingly bell earrings you can get a sleigh bell sound going for a nice holiday effect.
* You won't see it for 75% off in the stores the next day.
* You'll have the satisfaction of knowing that for him the rest of this joyous day is all downhill, except maybe for the football game.
* Selfless giving is the true meaning of Christmas, so why not give him some.
* You get to eat the milk and cookies that were left out, with perfect justification.
* Every time you swallow, an angel gets her wings.
* You might get it back next year.
God, I hope this works…
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Hey Kids! Sex Survey!
In honor of Good Vibrations’ 25th anniversary, Hoot Island favorites Anne Semans and Cathy Winks updated their best-selling sex manual, The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex, and they asked for reader input. As they did in the two previous editions, they asked for anonymous feedback from women and men of all ages, backgrounds, and sexual styles. I posted links to this survey and urged my readers to take the survey, both to help out with one of the best how-to sex books I’ve ever read, and because I knew my readers would blow their curve.
I took the test myself, of course.
Sexual Arousal and Response
Please describe your experience of any or all of the following: women: orgasm, multiple orgasm, ejaculation, G-spot stimulation; men: orgasm, multiple orgasm, orgasm without ejaculation, prostate stimulation.
I have experienced women, orgasm,… oh, wait, I see now. Okay, I've experienced orgasm a few zillion times and I don't regret a single one, except maybe the one during my indictment. I achieved multiple orgasm only once, and I can't remember a single detail, although from what I can tell on the security tape I really enjoyed it. I have never experienced orgasm without ejaculation because that's just wrong and probably communist. I have never had my prostate stimulated voluntarily, or at least that's what I keep telling myself.
Please describe how your experiences of desire, arousal, and orgasm have (or haven't) changed over the course of your lifetime. For instance, how have your experiences changed with age, during pregnancy, upon becoming a parent, while on medication, after surgery, etc.
My desire has steadily increased since puberty, to the point where I am now masturbating more or less continually. I managed to stave it off briefly for my SATs, prom night, and most of my wedding ceremony, and since then I have been unable to appear in public. Powerful sedatives and a pair of boxing gloves helped me get through the birth of my children, and in case of necessary surgery my doctor has been instructed to only use a local anesthetic and to keep out of the way. I did stop cold for a month three years ago for no medically apparent reason, which was a good thing as it allowed me to finally accept the Bronze Star, which I then used brutally (although without, let me stress, stimulating my prostate).
Self-image
What factors have had the biggest influence on your sexual self esteem?
My enormous wang, for one. The Federal tax rate. My Bronze Star. Ginger Lynn. Oh yeah, and Batman.
How has your sexual self image changed over your lifetime?
Ever read The Picture of Dorian Gray? Like that, only dirtier. And with a bigger wang.
Masturbation
What's your earliest memory of masturbating (consciously engaging in sexual self-stimulation)?
I vaguely remember rubbing up against the portion of the womb where the placenta was attached, because I could get a better friction ther
e, but I can't recall anything really concrete until my circumcision. Boy, was that a pain. I had to wait until almost half an hour afterwards.
Describe your most memorable masturbation experiences.
I managed to ejaculate on each and every one of the attractions in Walt Disney World in one wild afternoon (except for “It's a Small World,” because I've never been able to successfully whack it when thousands of children are singing at me). I was ready for some lunch after that, I can tell you.
Coming of Age
When did you start having sex with a partner, and what were these early experiences like?
By partner, do you mean someone non-related? Then it would have been when I was 15. We were just learning about each other, timid and giggly, but we learned fast and the passion built up inside. In the end it took 17 Federal Marshals to bring us down on that foggy December night.
What specific resources did you find most useful in learning about sex and sexual technique (books, parents, partners, sex ed class)?
Flash cards, inspirational posters, and by swallowing the semen of more experienced scouts and ingesting their RNA.
What were the most positive and most negative messages you received when learning about sex?
Most positive messages: keep licking until she's unconscious, sex is the most fulfilling and beautiful think you'll ever order, and the less experienced the woman the less likely she'll know what a penis is supposed to look like. Negative messages: not in the sink, never defile anyone whose name appears on your paycheck, and having a woman crap on your chest isn't nearly as much fun as it sounds.
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