She pushed back her chair and rose.
Matt felt like a prick for asking her to do something she clearly didn’t want to do and worried about her mental stability. He hated the pain he saw plainly on her face. He wished he could’ve seen her in the light. Back in the days before her life came crashing down around her. She fascinated him, he admitted to himself. Haunted him with her serious amber eyes. He had seen the strength and intelligence in her when she was most vulnerable and no amount of time had ever erased that sight.
“Hallie—” Matt started but stopped when Natalie touched his arm.
“I understand this is difficult for you, Hallie—”
“You know shit, lady,” Hallie interrupted.
***
Hallie spat venom at the woman whose honest and caring blue eyes watched her carefully. She didn’t want her to care, didn’t want her to be nice because it would only hurt her when Doctor Miller decided to leave. And she would leave her. They all did. It was just a matter of time.
For years she had battled against the nightmares and the only thing that kept those at bay were the drugs. Hallie didn’t want to live the little life she had in a drug filled haze and as much as it hurt her to think of her parents, she would rather remember them than not to think of them at all. For five years she had been haunted by that night and the worst of it was that everything was a blur. Nothing retained any detail in her mind except for the fear and cold and desperation she had felt. That night was a private moment—the last time she had seen her parents alive and happy. Call her selfish but it was no one’s damn business what she had experienced and how she felt about it.
“I know you hate me right now…hate us,” Natalie told her. “And you have every right to, Hallie. When something hurts us, the last thing we want is to share that pain. I know that since arriving here you haven’t once discussed the events that led to you being at Paradise Valley.”
“And I don’t intend to start now.”
“Your insight—” Natalie persisted.
“What is with you people?” she demanded. “You’re all goddamn ghouls. Why must I relive that night just to entertain you? Do you think it’s easy for me? Because it’s not, it’s hard. It’s not someone’s imagination. It was real. Lives were taken and blood was spilt. My parents’ blood.” She emphasised the pointed by jabbing an index finger into her chest. “It’s bad enough I have to live through it every night but during the day too? No fucking way.”
“Watch your mouth, kid,” Matt warned.
Hallie sent him a cold, hard glare. “Or what, Detective? What could you possibly do to me? Look around, this is my life and will be until that son-of-a-bitch is caught or killed. Either way, I don’t care.”
Her bottom lip quivered and she fought to keep the tears at bay.
“You have a right to be angry, Hallie,” Matt told her. “Believe me, I would be pissed too, but I’d also be looking for revenge. The girl I met once long ago was a fighter. Where did she go?”
“The Butcher killed her and left her to rot deep inside. I’ve been alone too long, spent too much time inside my memories dying just a little more every day.” She moved to face the wall and stood staring at it with the same intensity she had when they’d first arrived. “Why now, Detective? You’ve had five years to catch him and nothing. What do you possibly think I could know now that I didn’t know back then?”
“Perceptions change. You’re older now. I had to take this chance,” Matt told her.
“He’s back, isn’t he? Killing more innocent people. Who was she?” Hallie asked as she turned back to face Matt and Natalie.
“Her name was Marie Stanton. She was twenty-seven,” Matt answered.
“Only ten years older than I am,” she said, her voice filled with unshed tears. “You know what’s funny—not funny ha-ha, but funny strange? I can’t remember the scent of my mother’s perfume but I can’t forget his smell. Every time I close my eyes I can smell that putrid stink as if he was in the room with me.”
Natalie shuddered. “That’s because scent is one of the most powerful memory triggers. I can only imagine what you must have seen and felt. You were a brave girl.”
“I was lucky.”
Hallie closed her eyes and immediately her father’s Fairlane materialised in her vision. The beefy car pristine, her father having washed it the weekend before. She watched as her father took his place behind the wheel, her mother climbing in beside him. She couldn’t do a thing to change the events she knew were coming but her body ached with the need. Feeling useless—impotent—she made fists with her hands. Her mind rebelled at the memory as it always did but she fought it with all her might. It was the one memory of her parents that stayed with her. She had forgotten the rest.
She had been petulant all day, often complaining about being with them and not at home or at a friend’s place. She hated the constant travelling that had been part and parcel of her father’s career. She remembered giving her parents hell. She had wanted to be treated like an adult, to be left at home like normal children and had shown her parents her displeasure. Not in front of the cameras or the reporters that had hounded her, but when they were alone she never failed to sulk.
She shivered in response to the memory of the cold air. Tears fell from her eyes and she impatiently swiped them away. Her body shook as the memory swamped her, causing her to feel the pain, the breathlessness—the horror—and she lashed out, screaming incoherently and throwing her body into the wall as it all became too much. Her brain felt as if it was on fire. She felt strong arms wrap around her protesting body and draw her none too gently into a hard chest as her flailing arms were restrained.
“Hallie? Hallie, calm down. You’re safe here. No one is going to hurt you except yourself if you don’t calm down,” Natalie told her as she stroked Hallie’s hair. “I know it’s hard for you to relive that part of your past. The pain. The anger you must feel. The guilt you must bear. But you must believe there was nothing you could do except survive.”
Hallie lifted her chin and stared coldly at her tormentor. The woman who cut so deeply into her she could imagine exactly how her parents felt, shared their pain as the Butcher sliced them open.
Hallie took deep breaths as her heart raced in her chest. “I can’t help you. Not with that. Nothing has changed from my original report and I will not torture myself just to give you information you already have. Now please leave.”
Natalie held her gaze. “Only when you agree to let me treat you. I really do believe I have something to offer you that will allow you to have some semblance of a normal life, all it takes is a little time and—”
“Patience?” Hallie asked. “Why do you want to help me when I can’t guarantee I can return the favour? All I see is fog. There is nothing but emotion beneath it. Emotion I can’t control.”
“Because I believe I can make a difference in your life. Because I am here for you, not for a case or a murderer, just you,” Natalie said and Hallie heard the honestly in her voice. “I want to treat you. Not because of what you can give me but for what I can give you—peace of mind. No more night terrors, no more pain and no more drugs.”
Hallie wanted to believe her. The night terrors had begun the night of her parents’ murder and every night after she would wake up drenched in sweat, her throat hoarse from screaming. She had terrified her foster parents who hadn’t known what to do with her. She had been brought to Paradise Valley for treatment and when she had not improved, had been drugged to keep her from hurting herself. Now she could control her anger, and fits like the one she had just had were few and far between. Until today when she had been pushed. She hated it when she lost control. She became another person and it scared her. She would wake from an episode strapped to her bed, her face and body aching from the abuse she had given it. Did she dare to believe this doctor, one of so many, could help her? Could she accept this doctor’s help? She wanted to but she was scared of what would become of her if she did.
&
nbsp; “But you have to be willing to meet me halfway,” Natalie continued. “Together we can get you out of here.”
Matt released Hallie and she bit back a whimper. She desperately wanted him to keep on holding her. It had been a long while since she had felt so comforted, almost loved—certainly cherished. But she didn’t and she felt so hollow inside.
“What if I don’t want to leave?” Hallie demanded, but her tone fell flat.
Natalie’s eyebrow rose. “If we can make you better why would you want to stay here? You’re a bright girl, Hallie, who can have a bright future. Why throw that away?”
Hallie crossed her arms over her chest. She wondered why she was bothering explaining herself. Over the years she had just ignored those who had come before Doctor Miller, but there was something about this doctor that had her spilling her guts and admitting all her dirty little secrets—or at least some of them. What was it about Doctor Miller that had Hallie reaching out, instinctively trusting her?
“Before I came here, I would wake up in a fit. It was that night again for me. I was so terrified I didn’t want to close my eyes. But eventually they would close on their own and then I couldn’t wake up because I was so tired and he was chasing me again. I couldn’t escape.”
“He killed you?” Natalie asked.
“Yes, again and again. They were so real…are so real…although they don’t come as often as they used to but when they do they’re awful.” She shivered uncontrollably, feeling a fine sheen of sweat coating her forehead. She swallowed hard. “When they brought me here for treatment, it was the first time since that night I felt safe and I realised, so long as I’m locked inside these walls, he’s locked out of them. From that moment, I promised myself that while he is still living, while he is still free, I will remain here.”
“Is that why you refused help in the past? Afraid that someone would cure you and send you back out where you’re vulnerable?” Natalie enquired, her eyes wide as she glanced from Matt back to her.
Hallie nodded. “They’d have just sent me on my way with a bottle of pills and the name of a psychologist. No offence, but I don’t see someone like you standing between me and the Butcher.”
“There are other options,” Matt stated. “The police—”
“Can’t help me,” she interrupted. “No one can. Haven’t you ever run away from a problem?”
“Yes, I have,” Natalie answered truthfully but offered no examples. She sat forward in her seat. “I’ll make you an offer, Hallie. Work with and not against me. Allow me to treat you without objection or resistance and I promise you I will not partition for your release until he is caught.”
Hallie studied the woman sitting before her. It was strange but she believed her and more than that, she trusted Doctor Miller. Why, she couldn’t understand and didn’t bother trying to figure it out. She had relied on her judgment before and had yet to be steered wrong.
Hallie nodded. “Okay. Give me your best shot,” she said lightly but hope was beginning to wash over her body.
“We’ll start tomorrow.”
Matt and Natalie stood and prepared to leave.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t help you. And it’s can’t, not won’t,” she told Matt, because it was the truth. She did remember him and his compassionate eyes, how he had tried to help her. She wanted him to know that if it was in her power she would do anything to help catch the man who had killed her parents. “I remember some things with perfect clarity and others are a blur. I don’t understand it but it’s true.”
Matt smiled sadly. “You’ve done more than your fair share, kid. Now it’s time for me to do mine.”
Chapter 6
After leaving Paradise Valley for the third time that week, Natalie headed back to the office as was becoming her routine to catch up on her paperwork and see her regular scheduled patients. She had listened to her patient’s complaints, suggesting courses of action they might take that could prove helpful. No matter the case or intriguing details she heard, Hallie Walker was foremost in her mind.
Treating her could be difficult if she took the wrong approach and Natalie wondered how she should tackle the case, keeping in mind that should she step on one of Hallie’s invisible boundaries a mental barrier would immediately appear and she would be screwed. Which made her job extremely hard since everything about Hallie’s condition involved her parents, a subject clearly out of bounds. In the days since that first meeting she had allowed Hallie to steer the conversation where she wanted it to go, gradually building a relationship with her patient. Hallie needed to trust that Natalie only had Hallie’s best interests at heart and that everything she did was solely in helping Hallie. It was a slow process but well worth the effort in the end.
Natalie understood Hallie’s recalcitrance. Fear was a powerful motivator and it made Natalie sick that the teenager had to go to such depths to feel safe by seeking refuge inside the hospital. Natalie had read the evaluations on Hallie. They had all remarked at how intelligent she was. How she excelled in her classes and read the hospital’s library dry until they ordered in books especially for her.
In Natalie’s mind, Hallie had done remarkably well in her circumstances. Hallie Walker was strong. She had already fought and won. When most, less strong minded people crumbled in nothingness, she had plotted, executed and thrived.
Matt had understandably been disappointed at walking away empty handed but had been more concerned over Hallie than his case. He had promised she could have whatever files she wanted if it helped Hallie in any way, and promised she would receive those files she requested that day. It was obvious to her that he cared deeply for her patient and he had risen in her estimation and she found herself liking him even more. He had told her he would be around and that if anything arose he should be aware of to contact him immediately. She had agreed, maybe a little too eagerly, at the idea of seeing him again.
Natalie wiped Matt from her mind. It was dangerous to let her thoughts stay on him too long. She mentally reviewed her appointment book and told herself to inform the receptionist to book her appointments as close together as possible. The less back and forth from Paradise Valley to her office the better. Her finger clicked lightly on her computer mouse as she printed another newspaper report on the Butcher. Natalie wanted to be completely up to date with the case. The better to know your enemy, she thought.
Hours later, Natalie was sitting on the coffee coloured couch in her family room with a notepad resting on her thighs. The TV was on in front of her and the police tape of the interview of twelve-year-old Hallie Walker was playing. The footage was clear. It was obvious the camera was mounted high up on the wall in the interrogation room from the angle in which it looked down on the witness. Hallie sat at the table wrapped deeply in blankets, her eyes red. A mug sat in front of her, the liquid inside steaming, sending white curls of puff wafting out. Two uniformed officers sat on the opposite side of the table observing Hallie, their backs to the camera as a child advocate sat beside her.
The first officer announced himself as Ryan Garratt, senior constable. The date was August sixth, 2005, and the time was four-twenty in the morning according to the timestamp on the display.
Ryan Garratt softened his voice. Years of experience would’ve told him to tread carefully, otherwise the girl would most likely close up.
“Okay, Hallie, what I would like you to do is go over it again.” Hallie looked at him with unseeing eyes. “Do you think you can do that for me?”
Hallie nodded slowly and recited the events for the officers one more time. Her voice was hoarse from crying and her hair was still damp from her trip in the river. Natalie watched every movement the girl made, every nuance, and listened closely as she spoke. The more she understood about twelve-year-old Hallie, the more she could work with the seventeen-year-old version.
The on-screen Hallie started sobbing uncontrollably.
“I want my mummy.”
She rocked back and forth, trying to comfort hers
elf. Natalie had to bite down on her bottom lip to keep from screaming at the adults to comfort her. For a moment she wondered how they could be so heartless. She knew she was being overly protective. Had they actually comforted Hallie she probably would’ve broken down and become catatonic and then been no help at all. But the latent maternal gene in Natalie felt there was a middle ground that could’ve been explored. Tears burned in Natalie’s eyes. She could feel Hallie’s pain as if it was her own.
She replayed the footage over and over again until her emotions were raw and exposed. Natalie picked up the remote and turned her television off. There was nothing more she could learn from it. She felt the warm, salty tears silently trickling down her cheek and swiped at them as she walked out of the room.
Natalie abhorred violence and as much time as she had spent studying the human psyche, she couldn’t understand why people hurt one another. How soulless did one have to be before they stopped caring about the pain they caused, or the lives they took?
She entered her bathroom and turned on the tap, watching as her bathtub slowly filled up. She added a few drops from her collection of sensual oils. It had been a while since she’d had a bath. As a child she used to love them. When her father had been alive he had joked that she had been born part fish. Natalie remembered fervently stating she wasn’t a fish but a mermaid. Who wanted to be a fish when they could be something as romantic and beautiful as a mermaid? And she had wanted to be pretty.
Natalie had often thought of herself as plain or mousey or at least that was what her beauty queen of a mother had told her. Her easy-going father hadn’t argued with her, allowing his daughter the fantasy of believing. It wasn’t until a few years ago that she had been able to sit in a bathtub again and even now she couldn’t fully relax. It had taken everything she had to overcome her fear of contained water.
She placed her mobile phone on the basin nearby and undressed before slipping into the water. The scent of rose soaked into her skin. She closed her eyes and tried not to think of Hallie, the Walkers or the sick bastard known as the Butcher. The only trouble with that plan was her mind wandered to places she had kept locked up for years.
Not Forgotten Page 6