by Jan Irving
Kyle saw a flash of a familiar kind of uncertainty in Jesses eyes. Hed often seen it in Macs. This, he could maybe help with. “You did the right thing.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. Seems to me if he needs to talk to you, hell do it if you give him some space, let him know youre there.”
“Im trying to be. I hate that Ive had to go away and work so much, leave him with friends sometimes.”
“You did what you had to,” Kyle said. “Dont beat yourself up about it. Sometimes its not pretty, but if you can get through stuff—”
“You seem to have done all right,” Jesse noted, looking around the kitchen appreciatively. The fountain burbled in the sudden pause in conversation as Kyle found himself blushing. Damn it, he usually didnt do that to compliments, but this was Jesse. Seemed to get to him where he lived.
“You do a lot of shit when youre lonely, Jesse.” Kyle surprised himself by admitting it.
“Yeah,” Jesse said, rubbing his upper lip.
Crazy thing was, Kyle was sure he did know.
* * *
Kyle went out to the barn just as their customized truck with trailer pulled in. Pete got out, writing on his clipboard. “Brakes are up for inspection on Tuesday,” he told Kyle after giving him a nod of his silver head. Pete, a retired truck driver, drove their draft horses to town and back five days a week.
“Uh-huh. Better use the backup while you get this one in, then,” Kyle said, and Pete grimaced. The backup meant Pete would have to drive the horses in one at time, so it was a pain in the ass, but they only had the one customized trailer that could take up to four horses at a time.
Jeremy had already opened the trailer and was slowly leading out Daisy, all eighteen hundred pounds of Percheron. She butted the stable hand affectionately.
She was still very young, and Kyle patted her dappled white coat, checking her over, rubbing her nose. “Shell need fresh shoes soon,” he said, sighing a little already over the cost. Four shoes encapsulated in polyurethane to offer traction and reduce friction on pavement were over two hundred dollars for the set and needed to be replaced once a month. Normally this wasnt a problem for his business; but theyd lost the barn boss and two carriage drivers, and those departures took a bite out of income. He had to hire replacements as soon as possible, but the right people werent easy to find.
Something whispered through his mind. Kyle paused, frowning.
“All right, boss?” Jeremy asked when he didnt say anything more.
“Oh yeah. Get her comfortable,” Kyle said, snapping his attention back to the task at hand. Hed like to stay and baby the draft horses that had arrived at the end of their eight-hour shift, but he had to catch up with the rest of the ranch. Cattle, the horses they boarded, the horses they used on the ranch or broke for riders. Yet he couldnt resist ducking into the horse barn briefly, and as he entered, the whisper grew louder, and a fuzziness overlaid the enclosed, musky space. He watched Jeremy brushing Daisy, but there was a sense Kyle wasnt alone, that someone else watched with him.
Jesse.
He zinged an inquiry in his direction, but there was only a muffled feeling, as if hed prodded a sleeping man.
Sleeping. Jesse was dreaming. Somehow his unconscious mind had reached out and connected with Kyles, twining around it like ivy. Kyles hand tightened on a support post as he wondered if this could be the source of his erotic dreams about Jess. Had they touched each other while dreaming the past year?
He rubbed the back of his neck, wishing he understood this stuff. But he was just a simple man. Until hed started hearing Jesses thoughts—and at first hed thought he was losing it, big-time—hed never believed in things like telepathy.
Suddenly the dream swamped him, so it felt as if he wasnt where he was standing, but instead inside a deserted stall. Jesse had both palms pressed flat against the wood behind him, his blue eyes a burning light in the darkened space.
Kyle parted his lips to ask him what was happening, how it was happening, but then Jesse claimed his mouth, and Kyle wanted to say no, wanted to shove him away, ask what the hell he was—But all he could manage was a soft whimper.
“Kyle.” Jesses whisper was one of triumph, of desire, of revelation as his mouth slid, hungry, and they careened into territory that in all his years, Kyle had never visited. Jesses hair was like silk under his hands as he raked his fingers through it. He was surrounded by rock-hard arms, leaner than Macs had been—
As soon as that thought flickered through his mind, Jesse yanked away, eyes wide. Kyle panted, staring at him. He could feel that Jesse had read that thought, that inevitable comparison.
“Jess.” He choked, but what he would have said, he had no idea.
In the next second, the dream dissolved like water stirring, rippling—and when it cleared, he was standing where he had been, his hand still gripping a pillar. Lucky, a Belgian with a vanilla mane, palomino coloring, was clomping peacefully past him.
“Crap!” Kyle ran his hands over his face, feeling the dampness of sweat that had chilled against his skin. He was cold, a little spacey, and his head ached dully.
“Kyle?” Jeremy was back, staring at him. “You okay, man?”
Kyle could only wonder how long hed been standing there, checked out, caught in Jesses dream. Color burned his cheeks, and he hurried from the barn without answering.
* * *
David was still up much, much later when Kyle dared to return to the house. He was making a sundae with toasted nuts and chocolate syrup and vanilla ice cream. When he saw Kyle, he doubled the portions and then pushed a dessert glass toward him.
“Jesse crashed earlier,” David whispered, nodding to the far side of the large kitchen table where Jesse was sleeping over the paperwork hed shown Kyle earlier. Looking at him, David rubbed the pink spear in his hair. “He was really tired.”
“Worried about you,” Kyle said. “You know that, right?”
David nodded. “Are you okay about being here again?” Kyle was thinking of Mac, of Davids fresh grief the last time hed been on the ranch. He wasnt sure if Jesse, in his driving need to get David somewhere he perceived as safe, had asked David his feelings about being here again.
“I dont think about Mac much,” David said, gaze carefully on his sundae. “Except coming here. Its suddenly weird hes not around.”
Kyle nodded. “I went through that. Sometimes I still do.”
“Yeah.” David looked at Kyle. “But mostly being here is…before and after, you know?” “You mean, your life with your pa compared to what it was like when Mac was here.” Kyle thought how often sundae desserts had traversed difficult ground with the boys, how once upon a time hed found Mac in the kitchen late at night with one of the boys, taking them through some teenage labyrinth.
“It sucked.” David gave him an accusing stare. “I thought youd come get us. Why didnt you come get us? Mac woulda, and you and he were solid.”
Kyle put his spoon down. “I wanted to, but I couldnt. I was just your brothers boyfriend, Davy. I had no rights, and Jess was too young back then to take a stand.”
He remembered how hed fallen to his knees when theyd driven out of sight that day, how hed felt as if his guts had spilled out on the gravel and dust.
David sat back. “I know. Okay, I know this.”
“It would be nice for there to be a reason, to have someone or something to blame, but the truth is it happened. We all lost someone we loved, and then it sucked that you boys had to leave,” Kyle said.
David went back to eating his sundae, and Kyle couldnt resist reaching out and squeezing his shoulder. When his gaze inevitably went to Jesse, who had been deeply asleep, he saw heavy blue eyes regarding him and David.
For some stupid-ass reason, his breath caught. Jesse had such beautiful eyes.
“Thank you.”
“You shouldn’t eavesdrop.”
“Why not? Did I really kiss you in the barn, or was that another goddamned frustrating dream?”
Heat rose from his throat to his hairline. He must be crimson. Kyle said, “Do you want a sundae? David can set you up.”
Jesse grunted, and David put together the fixings, then slid one over to his brother. Jesse gave David a wink and dug in.
Kyle found himself focusing on Jesse eating his treat, on his tongue licking the spoon, on the gleam of saucy amusement in his eyes when he caught Kyle practically drooling. Kyle would have assumed that—Jesse being the younger of the two of them—it would be Kyle who was the more confident, dominant lover. But he remembered too well how it felt to have Jesse take his mouth and the sensation of those muscled arms pulling him closer, Jesses fingers playing with the gray at his temples.
“Oh yeah, you were so hot, Kyle.”
“I’m too old for you!”
Kyle felt abruptly ridiculous, like he had locked a room and was moving furniture in front of the door to keep Jesse out—or to keep himself from Jesse?
When his BlackBerry buzzed, he looked at it gratefully, thinking ranch business would be a good distraction. Oh, but this…? This was perfect.
“I hope you boys are settled,” Kyle said, getting up from the table. “Ill see you both in the morning.”
Jesse blinked and then put his spoon down. “Where are you going?” he demanded.
“I have a date,” Kyle said, feeling a combination of things shifting around uneasily in his chest. Mostly he felt like he was dodging a bullet. “Dont wait up.”
Chapter Four
“Just where the hell do you think youre going?” Jesse growled softly, obviously not wanting David to overhear. He placed a palm flat against the front door.
For some reason Kyle wasnt pissed off by the burning anger in Jesses eyes. More like exhilarated. What was he thinking? He was too old to feel something like that.
“And quit with the „too old garbage.”
Kyle laughed. He knew he was probably adding sparks to the kindling heaped between them, but he couldnt help himself.
“Youre going to drive me crazy, arent you?” Jesse leaned his head against Kyles neck, as if he liked breathing in his scent. It was primal. It was unmistakably something a lover would do.
“Have you thought about how a…relationship between me and you would be taken by David?” Kyle prodded. He saw Jesses eyes widen. “No, I can see you were just doing what any passionate young man does. Thinking with his—”
“Thats not fair.” Jesse pulled away, rubbing the back of his neck. “You know thats not fair.”
Kyle sobered. “No, its not. Look, I know youd tear out your guts for that kid, but that doesnt make it untrue. Davids in a precarious place. I heard that just talking to him now. How do you think hed feel about me and you, when I used to be Macs?”
Jesses response was a blank stare. No, he obviously hadnt thought of this. Kyle quashed the feeling that had been rising like an optimistic balloon inside him. They couldnt be together. Jesse would see that. “Does he even know youre gay?”
Jesse smacked the wall. “You think Im experimenting, playing at being Mac? Fuck you, Kyle.” His voice lowered. “I hope you have a miserable time on your date.”
Kyle swallowed thickly. “Good night, Jess.”
* * *
David caught a whiff of a disagreement in the hallway and headed for the atrium in the back. He knew it was just Jess and Kyle. He knew that, but his hands were shaking.
He looked around, trying to focus on the space. It was full of greenery: cacti and more spider plants and long chains of leaves and flowers that fell like the waterfall featured in the small pool. Hed found this alcove right off. No one seemed to use it, so maybe it could be his place sometimes.
He sat on the rim of the pool and stared into the depths for a while, catching chlorine-smell. That must be why he could see the blue-painted bottom, as if he were at a public pool.
After a moment he took off his running shoes and socks and put his feet into the water. The artificial current gave him a foot rub. He loved water. Hed missed living here, near a lake.
Mac used to say he was part fish, the way hed stay in the water until his hands and feet pruned. Mac…
He squeezed his eyes shut, because being back on the ranch made it seem like Mac would be back anytime, striding around in his cowboy boots, his confident voice echoing through the small cabin theyd shared. At first hed made David flinch, just hearing how loud Mac was. Under Morrisons roof, you had to be quiet, real quiet.
But somehow being noisy was okay here. And it was okay to laugh. And it was okay to yell at Mac and tell him off if he forgot to make dinner or some other fool thing. Slowly David had soaked it in. It had become home, and it had become safe.
He should have known it couldnt last.
A sob caught in his chest, and he cupped a hand over his mouth. What the hell…?
He gripped the sides of the pool and breathed in and out, focusing harder than ever on the falling water until hed shoved the feeling down.
The tension in the house was gone now Kyle had left. He didnt want to know why Kyle and Jesse had stuff that made them not get along sometimes, like two gears jammed up in an engine.
Finally he pulled his feet from the water and slid to the Mexican-tiled floor, tracing the pattern of cracks in the cobalt squares. He was calm when his BlackBerry sang. Weird, he didnt remember giving Marty or Eric down at the beach his number yet. Hed have to—
David read the number of the incoming call, and his hands started to shake again.
* * *
Smoothing his hair and wishing belatedly hed had time to put on a little of the fancy aftershave Darren had given him for his birthday, Kyle slid into a booth at the All Nite Bar and Grill off Highway 23.
Darren Gregory was already waiting for him, a book laid out that he snapped closed as he pushed his glasses down in stereotypical professorial fashion. He gave Kyle an appreciative look out of clear green eyes. “I was surprised you were free for a late meal,” he said in his gravelly voice, which didnt quite match up with the academic appearance. “Pleasantly surprised, Kyle.”
Kyle just raised his eyebrows and put his hat on the table beside him. Theyd share a meal, some coffee, and then leave without a fuss to head to Darrens condo. Kyle was always discreet. Although people knew Kyles orientation, Mac had been gone a long time now.
“You dodged seeing me for a long time, much to my disappointment,” Darren went on, pushing his longish brown hair behind his ears. “Im not good company lately,” Kyle said, shrugging. Truth was, hed gone to Darrens in a real state the last time and burned out residual passion from the dreams about Jesse. And when hed come, it was Jesses name hed whispered against Darrens sweaty skin.
Fuck.
Hed felt so crappy about that, hed been avoiding his friend.
“Somethings wrong. Is it Mac?” Darren had been the first to penetrate some of
Kyles walls a year after hed lost Mac. Hed had a few drunken and incredibly depressing encounters before seeing Darren, really just to prove to himself he was alive, even though he felt like someone could drive an eighteen-wheeler through his empty insides. But with Darren, it had begun as a friendship. Theyd met at a night class on photography and after that had gone for hikes to take pictures in the woods and by the lake. Hed even convinced Darren to go out riding with him a few times, taking along food and bedrolls and sleeping curled together under moving branches and moonlight.
It was a good thing they had this occasional thing. A warm thing, a reliable thing, a mature thing.
Kyle sighed, rubbing his upper lip. “Indirectly its about Mac, yeah.” “Hmmm. Well, somethings riding you, Kyle, so lets hear it.” The waitress appeared, and Kyle decided on decaf and cherry pie, late as it was. Caffeine affected him more now than it used to, and he had to get up early in the morning.
“Macs little brothers are back,” Kyle offered. Darren blinked. “Those kids you took care of when Mac lived with you?” He studied Kyle. “But thats a good thing, I assume. I know youve mis
sed them, worried for them.”
“It is,” Kyle agreed.
“Still, Macs gone, so the interaction must be a little strange without him; you arent related to them.”
“I would have offered them a home on the ranch if I could.” “I know.” Darrens gaze brushed his like a caress, sharing silent support. “So Macs father allowed them to come stay with you? Im glad he relented. Macs death was certainly not your fault.”
Kyle swallowed. “Jesses twenty now,” he said, and his voice sounded overloud to his ears. He flushed and continued in a lower tone. “He has custody of David, and he brought him to the ranch. David has some years of school to finish up. He needs a stable home.”
Darren continued to watch him as if he were one of the films they sometimes saw together at the local theater. “Wow, Kyle, thats a hell of a lot on you.”
Kyle quirked his lips.
“I suppose this means well have to be even more discreet, with a teen under your roof?”
A couple of times Darren had stayed at the big house with Kyle overnight, but Kyle had never felt quite at ease. He couldnt seem to sleep in the same bed with him. He always ended up wandering the halls, staring out at the darkened ranch buildings and kitchen garden, and brooding into the morning.
“I wont be able to invite you over,” Kyle agreed. He quashed the relief he felt with a good helping of guilt. Darren was a good man. They should have moved in together years ago, but he knew he had deliberately kept things light, and Darren accepted it.
“Of course not, though I would like to meet Macs brothers sometime for a meal,” Darren said. “Mac was a big part of your life.”
“Id like that, but David may need some time. Last thing he knew, I was living with Mac.”
“I wont push, Kyle.” Darren watched him eating his cherry pie. “You havent said much about the middle brother. Whats his name?”
Kyle dropped his gaze. “Jesse,” he mumbled. Saying the name felt like invoking an incantation, almost like it could bring Jesse here, now.