His eyes twinkled as he caressed my face with his other hand. “I think we may need to practice that a few more times to make sure I get it just right.”
I was still reeling from the powerful kiss, so all I could manage was a nod. Nolan gently extricated himself from my grasp and returned to his spot on the couch. He reached for his wine glass and took another sip. My eyes were fastened on his mouth as he licked at his lips. When my eyes met his, I saw such warmth in them that it made my insides hurt.
Regret suddenly began clawing at my insides and I was reaching for the tablet before I could stop myself.
I’m sorry, Nolan. For everything.
He looked at me in confusion. “You have nothing to be sorry for, Dallas. You gave me a job when no one else would-”
I waved my hand impatiently.
I should have stopped it. I should have said something, but I was a coward. I knew if I defended you, everyone would turn on me.
Nolan stiffened as he finally realized what I was talking about. He set his wine glass down and then fisted his hand against his stomach. I felt tears sting my eyes for ruining this perfect moment between us. But this conversation had been a long time coming.
I’m sorry, I don’t mean to upset you by bringing it all back, but you’re such an amazing man, Nolan, and I’m not. I don’t want you to let me off the hook for what I did back then.
“I understand,” he murmured. “High school was a tough time for all of us-”
I grabbed his arm so he’d look at me and shook my head violently.
No! Don’t make excuses for me or for what any of us did to you.
His armor finally began to crack. “Why are you doing this?” he whispered, his voice breaking just a bit.
Because I don’t deserve you. You were always so much better than me, Nolan. Than this town. I was so glad when you got out.
“I should go,” Nolan said as he tried to get to his feet.
I grabbed his arm and shook my head. I pointed at him and then my chest.
“I don’t understand,” he said. “I don’t understand what you want from me.”
I waited until I was sure he wouldn’t try to run and then typed out my message.
I want you to tell me how you felt in school…how I made you feel. I want you to say the things you should have been able to say back then. I want to hear you, Nolan!
His eyes shot to mine. Tears began streaking down his face. “Hear me?” he croaked. “No one hears me, Dallas! If they had, they would have-”
He shook his head and tried to get up again. But I refused to release him. I ended up typing with one hand.
Would have what, Nolan? Tell me.
He turned away from me, but the anguish on his face was hard to miss. “Would have stopped it. Would have seen what it was doing to me…”
His eyes shifted to me and the raw emotion was like a punch to the gut. No, it was like a goddamn battering ram.
“It was worse, you know?” he said softly. “What you and everyone else did.”
The tears I’d been trying to stem fell unheeded down my face. I nodded to him, but didn’t pick up the tablet to respond.
It was his turn to speak.
“Jimmy, Doug, the rest of those guys – that’s who they were. Throwing eggs at me or tripping me in the hallway…that was just who they were…who they probably still are. But you, the other kids, the teachers, my parents…you had to know I wasn’t really that strong. That I was dying inside…”
My throat hurt so bad it was hard to breathe. I managed another nod, but it was so fucking inadequate.
Nolan wiped at his eyes. “So yeah, I had to pretend I was strong because the alternative was swallowing a bottle full of my mother’s sleeping pills or sitting in my father’s car in the garage with the door closed and the motor running.”
I let out a harsh sob at that, though it came out sounding more like a grunt than anything else. I leaned forward and wrapped my arms around Nolan’s body. I pressed my mouth to his ear and for the first time in years, began saying the words I’d wanted to for so long.
Since the first time Nolan Grainger had looked at me with that silent plea in his eyes.
Despite the fact that there was no sound to accompany my words, Nolan relaxed against me. I pulled him back against the couch cushions so that he was pressed up against my chest. His hand was resting over my heart. I waited until his body settled on mine, then pulled out the tablet and typed out the words he hadn’t been able to hear.
You’re my one regret, Nolan. If I could have one moment back in time, I’d pick that day with the eggs. I’d wrap myself around you so tight that you wouldn’t have even known what was happening. You would have just felt safe and warm and wanted.
I held the tablet so Nolan could read the screen. He nodded against my chest, but didn’t move. I could feel his tears starting up again.
I’m sorry, Nolan. I’m so very sorry. We all lost out by not hearing you, by not seeing you.
This time when Nolan read the message, he didn’t react at all, so I tucked the tablet into the gap between the cushions and then wrapped both my arms around him and just held onto him. At some point, I fell asleep because when Loki woke me up the next morning, Nolan was gone.
And I had no clue if he was coming back.
Chapter Eleven
Nolan
I didn’t go back to the center for two days.
And when I finally did, it wasn’t because I needed the job.
It was late afternoon when I arrived, and while Loki greeted me by my car like he usually did, Dallas didn’t appear, so I went in search of him.
An easy task considering Loki led me right to him.
He was sitting between the two fences surrounding Gentry’s enclosure, leaning his back against the outer fence. I’d noticed early on that he had a soft spot for the bear and often spent a few extra minutes with the big animal throughout the day. Gentry was standing inside the enclosure along the fence near Dallas, scraping at the snow, probably looking for lingering berries that Dallas would feed him every day in that same exact spot.
I’d been working around Gentry’s pen enough to know that I had to enter the small building that butted up against the enclosure to access the gap between the fences. Dallas had explained that bears in captivity didn’t hibernate, so the building provided Gentry a place to escape the cold. There was a large door leading from the pen into the building that could be closed to secure the bear in either the enclosure or in a smaller cage within the building. The door always remained open unless Dallas was bringing in a vet to treat the bear for something. In those cases, Dallas secured Gentry in the cage by closing the door, preventing him from returning to the enclosure. There was a small walkway surrounding the bars of the cage to allow easy access to dart Gentry from any angle so he could be sedated for when the vet needed to physically examine him.
I made my way past the cage and stepped back outside. Dallas didn’t notice me until Gentry did. Being around the bear, even with the heavy fence separating us, still made me nervous, but I was getting used to the way the huge animal liked to walk alongside visitors when they entered his area.
Despite seeing me, Dallas didn’t move. He looked terrible, and I knew that as hard as these past couple of days had been on me, he hadn’t escaped unscathed. I’d been angry at him at first for ruining what had been an amazing night.
But I knew why he’d done it.
And it hadn’t been just to assuage his own guilt.
Dallas’s expression was pained as he watched me approach. I wondered if he thought I was there to officially quit. It was certainly the first thing I’d thought about doing when I’d woken up in his arms two mornings earlier.
But then I’d remembered that kiss.
That amazing kiss on lips that hadn’t ever touched any other man’s but mine.
It couldn’t have been an easy thing for him to admit. And I had my suspicions about why he’d resorted to random hookups over t
he years – ones that didn’t include something as intimate as kissing.
Dallas started to get up, but I said, “No, stay.”
He swallowed hard and sat back down. His knees were raised and there was a little room between his legs, so I slowly dropped down until I was kneeling between them and facing him. I ignored the snow seeping into the fabric of my jeans. Dallas reached for his phone, but I stayed his hand. That had a whole new level of worry drifting across his features.
“Dallas, you don’t need to get your phone out because you don’t owe me anything. No explanations, no apologies. I know why you did what you did the other night.”
He shook his head slightly and dropped his eyes. I immediately pulled my glove off and used my fingers to tilt his chin up. His skin was really cold, leading me to wonder how long he’d been sitting there for.
“We’re not the same people we were back then. I’m scared to death that you think you somehow deserved what happened to you – like it was karma or some other shit.” When he lowered his eyes, I knew that was exactly what he’d been thinking.
“We’re okay, Dallas. I came here to tell you that. And not because I need this job or I feel sorry for you. But because I believe what you said…that if you could go back in time, you would. And because I think that I wasn’t the only one who needed to be heard.”
Dallas lifted his eyes. They were swimming with tears. He shook his head and I instinctively knew what he needed from me.
I reached out to cup his cheek as I spoke. “You have nothing to be sorry for, Dallas. But if you need my forgiveness, you have it. You have it, Dallas.”
He let out a harsh cry that sounded more like a mix between a gasp and a sob and then he was pushing into my arms. I clutched him to me as his hot tears soaked the skin of my neck and his body was racked with violent tremors. I held onto him for a long time, whispering into his ear that we were okay. When he finally quieted I gently pushed him back and wiped at his face.
“Are you finished for the day?”
He nodded.
“Will you come somewhere with me? It’s guaranteed to put a smile on your face.”
Another nod. When he reached for his bandana, I covered his hand with mine.
“You won’t need that.”
He hesitated and then put the bandana back in his pocket. His trust in me tore at my already pained heart. I reached out to take his hand and steadied him as he climbed to his feet. His limp seemed worse than normal as we made our way hand in hand out of Gentry’s enclosure. Dallas let his free hand trail along the fence near Gentry’s head as the bear walked alongside us.
Once outside the enclosure, Loki fell into step next to Dallas. It didn’t take long for Dallas to figure out where we were going. I felt his fingers squeeze mine and he shot me a soft smile when I looked at him. Even though Dallas had already fed the kittens and they were in the process of settling down for the night, they began meowing excitedly when I flipped on the lights and led Dallas into their room. Loki followed us, and as soon as we sat down on the floor, our backs against the wall, the kittens were climbing all over us. Dallas leaned into me and when I looked over at him, he had a soft smile on his face. He held my gaze for a moment, then dipped his head and brushed his mouth over mine. The kiss was brief and chaste, but it rocked me to my core, and I wondered how I was going to be able to keep from losing a piece of myself to this man.
I shook my head as I turned my attention to the black kitten trying to climb up my chest.
Who was I kidding?
I’d already lost so much more than just a piece of my heart to Dallas Kent.
“You got me something?” I asked as I lifted my eyes from the tablet.
Dallas nodded. He looked nervous.
You can’t get mad, he typed out. Promise me you won’t.
I arched a brow at him, but since I wasn’t about to spoil the mood between us, I nodded. “Promise.”
He motioned for me to wait and disappeared around the corner, presumably to go to his room, since I heard his footsteps on the stairs a moment later.
It had been three days since I’d returned to the center. Things had gone back to normal, but with one big difference.
One of the walls between Dallas and me had finally come down.
It wasn’t something I’d even realized until I’d arrived the morning after I’d told him I forgave him. As soon as he’d seen me, he’d smiled.
This great big, no-holds-barred smile. It hadn’t been reserved or hesitant, like he was afraid of showing too much of himself.
It had been the famous Dallas Kent smile.
The one my teenage self had fallen instantly in love with so long ago.
It was the smile he’d reserved for when he’d hit a grand slam or pitched a no-hitter. It was the smile I’d seen in the picture of him and Maddox on the wall by the stairs.
Only this time it had been aimed at me.
Nerdy Nolan Grainger.
Even if the smile hadn’t been enough to metaphorically send me to my knees, his touches would have been.
They were the smallest things.
His fingers brushing the outside of my hand as we walked.
His body pressed up against my back when he stood behind me to point out something he wanted me to see in one of the habitats.
His hand skimming my jawline when he went to push a stray lock of hair off my ear.
Tiny gestures with devastating impact.
But that was as far as he went. He hadn’t kissed me again like he had in the kitten room. The pent-up need for more was slowly killing me, but I was helpless to do anything about it. He’d made it pretty clear that he wasn’t willing to cross the employer-employee line. And truth be told, there was still a little part of me that liked to remind myself that I wasn’t good enough for Dallas Kent. That I was reading into things that weren’t there.
So I was pretty much a glutton for punishment by spending more and more time with the man, including having dinner at his house the past three nights. Last night we’d even watched a movie, during which I’d promptly fallen asleep. When Dallas had gently shaken me awake, I’d been lying on my side, my head resting on his muscular thigh.
And he’d been playing with my hair.
I’d practically tripped over myself as I’d rattled off an apology for falling asleep on him, but he’d just flashed that smile at me and given me the okay sign.
Surprisingly, my mother hadn’t complained or questioned why I was getting home later and later each night. And she’d continued with her weird need to make me breakfast every morning. I’d finally given up trying to figure her out. I was too busy trying to make sense of my relationship with Dallas.
I straightened when I heard his footsteps on the stairs. I wasn’t sure, but it sounded like his footsteps slowed as he got closer to the living room. When he finally did round the corner, his face was full of tension.
And I instantly knew why.
Because he couldn’t hide what he was holding in his hand.
“Oh my God,” I whispered when my eyes fell on the violin case.
Dallas was hesitant as he moved to sit down next to me on the couch. But I didn’t even spare him a glance because I was too busy trying to breathe.
He’d gotten me a violin.
“What did you do?” I croaked.
Dallas eased the case onto my lap, then reached for his tablet.
It’s probably not what you’re used to playing, but the guy at the store said it was a really good quality one. Maybe it can tide you over till you get yours back or you get a new one.
“Dallas,” I breathed in complete and utter disbelief.
He motioned to the latches on the case.
I nodded and opened it, my fingers shaking.
I knew just by looking at the violin that he’d spent quite a bit of money on it. I let my fingers slide over the wood, then the strings. The need to pick it up and play was like a living thing beneath my skin.
I couldn’t ac
cept it.
I just couldn’t.
It was too much.
But one look at Dallas’s hopeful expression and I was nodding my head. “Thank you, it’s beautiful.”
His smile made my heart stutter. He reached for his tablet and was about to type something when Loki suddenly climbed to his feet from where he’d been lying on the floor next to the couch and let out a low growl.
The three of us held there for a moment before Loki suddenly took off and darted through his doggie door. Dallas stood and went to the kitchen door that the wolf hybrid had disappeared through. He threw it open and listened. I got up and went to him, but heard nothing.
Dallas snagged his coat off the hook and motioned to me.
“I’m coming with you,” I argued, and grabbed my coat. Dallas shot me a quick glance as he reached for the flashlight he kept by his coat. I was glad when he merely nodded.
It was pitch dark outside, but Dallas had installed low-level lighting along all the walkways. The motion detector lights were only on the buildings that weren’t close enough to any enclosures where the animals would trip them every time they moved around at night. So we were reliant on the flashlight and the walkway lights as we made our way through the inky darkness.
We’d only gone about a hundred yards when we heard it.
A loud, rumbling roar.
There was only one animal capable of making that kind of sound at the center.
“Gentry,” I breathed right before Dallas took off running. I managed to keep up, but if Gentry’s enclosure had been any farther away, I would have lost Dallas for sure.
As we ran toward the building that led to Gentry’s enclosure, the bear’s screams – and that was the only way I could think to describe the awful sound – grew louder. As he ran, Dallas shined his light on the bear’s enclosure in the hopes of locating the distressed animal. I nearly came to a stop when I saw that the door separating the outside enclosure from the inner one was closed.
I’d been with Dallas when we’d said our goodnights to the bear.
The door had been open.
Fear tripped through me when I saw that the lights in the building were on.
Locked in Silence_Pelican Bay [Book 1] Page 14