That had been a different Texas, and he had been a different Caleb. Never in his life had he been happier than when Sarah and Lynda came to him. He’d had his whole family. Lee had been alive, and he and Lynda were so much in love. He’d had John too, so eager to please his father. How he missed John! And he’d had Tom, his life’s blood, the son he all but worshipped.
The pain of losing both sons was at times almost unbearable. Caleb found himself turning to speak to them, but they were not there. Sometimes it seemed as if Tom was right beside him, whispering to him. He saw the boy in every hollow and on every hilltop. He was so Indian, smiling his handsome smile, sitting on a fine stallion, built like his father but with his mother’s dark, dark eyes. They had been inseparable. Tom would have been twenty-four now … twenty-four years since he had been born in the foothills of the Rockies, in those glorious days when Caleb Sax rode as Blue Hawk among the Cheyenne, married to Walking Grass. Now all of it was gone.
In Caleb’s grief, his love for Tom was growing to such painful, unrealistic proportions while his love for the rest of his family who lived seemed to be getting lost in a world he could no longer face. He felt his feelings and his sense of reason running out of control, so that he hardly knew himself anymore, or knew what he wanted out of life.
* * *
Sarah watched in quiet agony as Caleb kept putting a screaming James on the pony. Caleb cajoled, soothed, urged, got up on the pony with the boy—all to no avail. Five-year-old James wanted nothing to do with the pony, and Caleb’s patience was growing short. During the two years since he had returned from the war, Caleb had shown little patience for James, expecting much more from the child than he was able to give. Now he angrily pulled James from the pony, holding him out in front of him in a tight grip.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” he shouted at the boy. “Your brother rode a full-grown horse when he was only four!”
“Caleb!” Sarah charged up to them then, literally yanking the boy from Caleb’s hands, “Give him time.”
“Time?” Caleb threw his hands in the air. “My God, he’s five years old.”
“Yes. Only five.”
“You’re babying him!”
“And you are forcing him into things he isn’t ready for yet. Every child develops differently.”
“Cale already rides a pony. And Tom rode when he was only four.”
“He isn’t Cale. And he isn’t Tom,” she shouted back. “He’s James. James. My God, what is happening to you!” She set James on the ground, and the crying child ran into the house.
Caleb watched him run and turned angry eyes to Sarah. Never in the years they had known each other had Caleb Sax even looked at his wife in anger, let alone had words with her.
“You’re babying him to death,” he accused. “You never had the chance with Lynda, so you’re going overboard with James.”
She stiffened at the words. “Maybe I am. But at least he knows I love him. At least he knows he’s loved for James. I am not trying to make him replace someone!”
“And what is that supposed to mean?”
“You know damned well what it means, Caleb Sax. Tom is dead. When are you going to face that and go on from there? James is alive! He’s your son and he loves you. Stop trying to make him be Tom.”
The back of Caleb’s hand slammed across Sarah’s face, making her stumble backward. Lynda and Jess were just riding in.
“Father!” Lynda leaped from her horse and went to her mother, who stood hunched over gasping for breath. Caleb looked at his hand as though it were some foreign object that had acted without his will. Sarah made a whimpering sound as Lynda put an arm around her, and Jess dismounted and stormed up to them. Caleb backed away, staring at Sarah, his hand shaking. His eyes widened at a white welt on the side of his wife’s face.
“Sarah.” He uttered the name as though in agony. He had hit Sarah. All the strain of their uncertain future in Texas and the horrible grief over Tom; all his losses had brought him to this. He glanced over at James, who stood crying in the doorway. His family had always been so important to him, and he was destroying it with his own grief. His eyes moved back to Sarah. “I … didn’t mean to …” He swallowed. “My God, Sarah.” He turned and stumbled to his horse, then mounted it and rode off at a hard gallop.
Sarah watched after him. Her face stung and her ears were ringing. This seemed incredible.
“Mother, what happened?” Lynda asked angrily.
Sarah looked at her. “It’s all right.” She blinked back tears. “I reminded him that Tom is dead. He got impatient with James, trying to make him do all the things Tom did at his age. He’s got to realize that James is James and Tom is dead.” She turned and walked wearily to the door, where she scooped James up in her arms.
“Mommy hurt,” the boy wept.
“No. Mommy is fine.”
“Daddy doesn’t like me.”
She cuddled him close. “Oh, yes he does, darling. Your daddy loves you so much. He’s just very sad inside, James. We have to be patient with him. When he comes home, you tell him you’re sorry you wouldn’t ride the pony. I want you to try again tomorrow, James. I want you to ride that pony for your daddy. You’ll find out it’s fun, and your daddy will be very happy. You’ll see. Will you try?”
“The pony will bite me.”
“Oh, James, that pony would never bite a little boy. Wouldn’t you like to ride around the corral with Cale? You can’t let Cale beat you at things. You’re his uncle.” She set the boy down in a chair and he put a chubby hand to her red cheek. Lynda came inside, watching with tears in her eyes. “Did you know that in the Indian world, the uncles teach the young boys how to be riders and warriors and how to hunt?” Sarah asked James.
James shook his head.
Sarah kissed his cheek. “Well, they do. You ask your daddy about it when he comes back. He can tell you. And you’re an uncle. That makes you very important, James. You should be teaching things to Cale, not letting him do everything first.”
The boy frowned. “I want to be a good uncle. If daddy won’t yell, I’ll ride the pony again.”
Sarah smiled, even though her heart was heavy with grief. She refused to show it i front of James. “I’m proud of you. You’re very brave to try again, James Sax. Some day you’ll be big and strong, just like your father.”
“Will he like me better then?”
She took his hands. “He’ll love you, just like he loves you now. You have to forgive Daddy. He still hurts inside because of your big brother who died.”
“Did he love him more?”
She squeezed his hands. “No, James. He did not love Tom more. He just misses him.”
The boy hugged her and Sarah looked up, her eyes meeting Lynda’s. Her daughter’s expression was full of love and concern. “Are you all right, Mother?”
“I am fine. And don’t you hold this against your father. I don’t think anyone understands better than I why he did what he did. If I can forgive him, no one else has any right not to.”
Lynda put a hand to her stomach. “I love him so much. But when I saw him hit you …”
“Lynda, these things happen. Caleb is full of grief. The worst of it is coming out of him now. It’s like being sick and vomiting, then feeling better. You know what a good man he is. And you know ordinarily he would never lay a hand on me.”
Lynda blinked back tears and nodded, moving to a chair to sit down. She looked pale.
“Lynda?” Sarah patted James’s bottom and set him aside, going to her daughter. “What’s wrong, Lynda? It isn’t just what happened between me and Caleb, is it?”
The girl shook her head. “I … I’m pregnant, Mother. And I … feel so strange.” She began to cry. “Oh, Mother, I think I’m going to lose it!”
“Dear God. Come on. Come in and lie down.” She helped the girl into the bedroom and called out to James to go and get Jess.
Chapter
Twenty-Two
* * *
“Lynda lost a baby today,” he said grimly.
Caleb frowned. “Lost a baby. Lynda is pregnant?”
“Was pregnant. I didn’t know either. And the miscarriage is your fault!”
Caleb jerked his arm away. “What are you talking about?”
“Haven’t you even noticed how hard she has been working to help you rebuild this ranch? Are you blind, man? We’ve been arguing over it for months! Don’t you see what she’s trying to do? She’s trying to replace Tom!” Jess’s blue eyes flashed with bitterness. “Goddamn it, Caleb, stop trying to find Tom in everyone else! Lynda is not going to work the ranch anymore, understand? I’ll do my share, but my wife is staying off the goddamn horses. She’s staying home and she’s going to rest up good and she’s going to get pregnant again and have a healthy baby!”
Caleb sighed, turning away and running a hand through his hair. “I’m sorry, Jess.”
The man’s agony was written so clearly on his face that some of the anger trickled out of Jess’s heart. “Damn it, Caleb, I know what you’ve been going through,” he said then in a calmer voice. “We all do. But we can’t make up for it forever. That’s what Lynda’s been trying to do, you know. That girl loves you. She worships you. Other than finding Sarah, the happiest day of her life was when she discovered she had a father still alive. She treasures that blue quill necklace like it was made of diamonds and gold. And in your grief over Tom she feels that somehow you don’t love her as much anymore. It’s all that much worse for James, because he is too young to understand it. The living need you now, Caleb, not the dead.”
Caleb felt a crushing ache in his chest. “I know. I have been … thinking. When I hit Sarah, I knew.” His voice was quiet, defeated. He turned to Jess. “I really am sorry, Jess. I’ll go talk to her. I’ll make it my own order that she stays home. That will make it easier for you. I know how stubborn she can be.” He glanced at the doorway and back at Jess. “How is she?”
“She’ll be all right. She lost a lot of blood, and the cramps were pretty bad. But she’s more depressed than anything else.”
Caleb glanced at the door again. “Sarah?”
Jess sighed. “It has been a pretty hard day for her, to say the least. She’s got a bruise on her face.”
An agonizing sigh, close to a groan, came out of Caleb’s throat, and he leaned both hands against the doorway, hanging his head between them. “There’s no excuse. No excuse.”
Jess reached out. “Go and talk to her. Talk to Lynda, too, if she’s awake. I’ll go for a walk and leave you alone for a while. Cale and James are asleep on the cot in the outer room. I’m going to come in later and sleep in a bedroll on the floor beside Lynda. I want her to have the bed to herself tonight. You and Sarah have been delegated to the loft, unless you want to go over and use our cabin. I just didn’t want to move Lynda till tomorrow. I’m scared of the bleeding.”
Caleb nodded, tapping on the door, and Jess walked quietly away. It opened, and Caleb met his wife’s gentle green eyes. Sarah colored slightly, stepping aside and letting him in, closing and bolting the door again. She met his eyes boldly. He towered over her, feeling like an evil monster for having hit her. She looked so small and frail now. He knew he hadn’t used anything near his strength earlier. If he had …
Pain seared through his chest. Caleb reached out, taking Sarah’s chin in his hand and studying the bruise on the side of her face. His eyes filled with tears.
“If some other man did that to you, I’d kill him,” he whispered gruffly. “I’d kill him without an ounce of regret!” Tears slipped down his cheeks, a rare sight on Caleb Sax. “As God is my witness, I’ll never hurt you again, Sarah Sax. I don’t know what happened to—”
She reached up and touched the tears, forcing back her own urge to cry. “It’s over. This is me, remember? Sarah. Does anyone know better man I how much you love me?” She shook her head. “You are a lonely man, Caleb Sax. You always have been. All the love I can give you won’t take away the loneliness you feel inside, not just from all your losses, but from what you are—a man torn between two worlds.” Her voice broke slightly. “I understand the last two years have been pure hell, not just for you but for all of us. We just have to remember what’s important, Caleb. We could lose this place tomorrow, but we still have each other. And the children we have left can’t be made to feel guilty for those who have died.”
He swallowed, and she saw his struggle to keep from breaking down completely. He reached out and pulled her close, crooking his arm around her neck, then moving his other arm around her, kissing her hair. “I want to make love to you, Sarah,” he groaned, rubbing his hand over her back. “Let me make love to you. Let me make it all up to you. Forgive me and let me be the old Caleb for you.”
She turned her face so that their lips met in a hot, fiery kiss that told her the real Caleb Sax had come home, not the stranger she had been living with for so long. Their kiss lingered as he pressed her tightly against him, and she could taste the salt of his tears. Finally he left her mouth, kissing her bruised cheek, her eyes, her hair. “Jess said we could use their cabin tonight,” he whispered. “Come over there with, me, Sarah. Jess will stay here.”
She felt hot with the need of him. It had been so long, and this was a Caleb she had not known for a long time. “I’ve got to check on Lynda again first.”
He sighed deeply, releasing her slightly. “I’m so sorry about Lynda. It’s my fault. She has been working too hard. A woman can’t go out tearing around on a horse every day and expect to carry a baby. I had no idea—”
“Caleb, you aren’t to blame for everything. It’s the war, our grief. It has taken a long time to heal, that’s all. What Lynda did was a form of venting her own grief.”
“But she did it for me. She has been trying to replace Tom.”
Their eyes held. “At least you can talk about him now.”
He studied her lovingly. “Is she awake?”
“I’ll go see.”
“If she is, I want to talk to her. Then we’ll go over to their cabin.”
She felt herself blushing like a schoolgirl. The old Caleb had come home. How she loved him! She grasped his wrists and nodded, then left him to go into the bedroom, and a shaggy little dog came trotting out from under the cot where the boys slept together in the main room. It trotted up to Caleb, wagging its tail wildly and biting at his moccasins.
“What the hell is this?” he asked. He felt lighter, happier, suddenly relieved.
Sarah stopped, smiled at the sight. “That is Pepper. He came straggling in earlier today from out of nowhere. James latched on to him and that was that. He was going to ask when you came back if he could keep him, but he’s afraid you’ll yell at him and won’t let him.”
Caleb looked over at his sleeping son. “What a fool I am,” he murmured. He looked at Sarah. “I’ll make it up to him, Sarah.”
“I know you will. He loves you so, Caleb. He even said he would ride that pony for you tomorrow. I hope you recognize the courage that will take. For some reason he’s afraid of the horses. Be patient with him, Caleb. He’ll be a fine son.”
She went into the bedroom and Caleb bent down to pick up the puppy, holding it out and studying it. “I guess you’re a Sax now, pup,” he told the dog. He set it back down when Sarah came out of the bedroom.
“She’s awake,” she told him.
Caleb walked past her in his familiar long stride, going through the curtained doorway to his daughter, who lay on her back, looking too pale even for her dusky complexion. Her eyes had dark circles under them, and it hit Caleb that he had hardly noti
ced her looks for a long time. He had paid no attention to all the danger signs. Nothing was worth losing this precious daughter.
Lynda opened her eyes and looked up at him. “Are you all right now, Father?” she asked weakly.
He shook his head in wonder. “Am I all right? My God, Lynda, what a question to ask.” He came to the bed and leaned over her. “Lynda, I’m sorry. I’m so damned sorry. I never should have let you work so hard.”
Her eyes teared. “I wanted to. I wanted to help. You didn’t have Tom anymore, and—”
“You aren’t Tom, Lynda. You’re my daughter. And you are Jess Purnell’s wife. Jess wants a child, and you’re going to give him one. You’re not helping with the ranching anymore—not for a good long time. You’re going to take it very easy, and you’re going to enjoy making love with your husband and you’re going to get pregnant again. Those are my orders.”
The words brought some color to her face and she smiled and looked away. “Now you’re embarrassing me.”
“I’m telling you the way it’s going to be. You’ve been trying to make up for Tom, maybe somehow trying to be Tom. But you aren’t my son, Lynda. You’re my daughter, my very beautiful, strong, loyal daughter, maybe too loyal.”
She met his eyes again. “Do you love me as much as you loved Tom?”
His eyes saddened. “That’s a foolish question. If you ever doubted my love, you were very wrong. My grief over Tom has just distorted things, that’s all. I love all my children equally, but each one in his or her own special way.” He leaned down and kissed her forehead. “You are special because you are the product of the love I shared with your mother when we were young, the proof that no matter how hard someone tries to destroy that kind of love, it can’t be done. Of course I love you, Lynda. You’re very, very special.” He touched her hair, smoothing it back from her face. “Somehow I’ll make this up to all of you—Sarah, James, you. I’ve been a bastard to live with. I know that. It won’t be that way anymore.”
Frontier Fires Page 37