I felt like with the email and the tape I was at least on the brink of figuring something out. I didn’t want to just sit back and waste even more time. I wasn’t looking forward to talking to him. I knew that he was going to deny everything and it was going to be a big fight because I wasn’t prepared to let it go.
I showered and dressed and stopped in the kitchen to hug my mom and tell her how much I loved her. I couldn’t get that image of her on that tape with her heart breaking out of my head. I finally started to understand and appreciate all she must have gone through to protect me my entire life.
Smiling, she said, “What was that for?”
“Just because I love you and I don’t tell you often enough. I also don’t tell you enough how much I appreciate that you’ve always been there for me, every step of the way. You never give up on me. You’re amazing and I couldn’t have special ordered a better mother.”
Tears welled in her eyes. Damn women, you can’t tell them anything without making them cry. I wiped the water out of my own eyes. My dad must have been smoking in there. My eyes were burning.
“I love you too Dax and you are a great son. I’m lucky to have you. I won’t ever give up on you, no matter what.”
As I went out the door I said, “I’m going to do my best to make sure that you have something to be proud of again someday. Hopefully, soon.”
I drove to Terrance’s apartment hoping that Olivia would be at work. I didn’t want to confront him in front of her because I was sure it was going to get ugly. I wasn’t going to hit him, as much as he probably deserved it, but I wasn’t going to hold back when it came to telling him how I felt about him and everything he had done either.
I parked the bike and knocked on the door. I waited for what seemed like a really long time and was about to knock again when he finally pulled open the door. I suspected that he looked out and saw me and was hoping I would think he wasn’t there and go away.
“Hey Dax! It’s good to see you,” he said. I could tell by the look on his face that he was lying already.
“This isn’t a social call,” I said. “We have a lot to talk about.”
He didn’t look like he was going to invite me in, but one of his neighbors, a middle aged business man walked by. I smiled and said hello. Terrance gave me a look like he was afraid I would sully his good reputation in the neighborhood and he stepped back and let me in. I looked around and saw plenty traces of Olivia there. She should have never been with him. I should have never been away from her in the first place.
“You want a beer or something?” he said. I looked at the open beer can on the coffee table and then I looked at the clock. It was nine forty-five.
Shaking my head I said, “No thanks, you’re taking this motorcycle club thing pretty seriously though, I see.”
“I haven’t even been to bed yet,” he said. “I just got in from a parts run up to Modesto.”
I smirked. “A parts run, huh? That’s what they call them these days?”
“That’s what they are.” He was getting annoyed with me. “What do you want, Dax? Or did you just come here to insult me?”
I sat down on his couch, not waiting for him to offer me a seat.
“Let’s see, what do I want? How about a little bit of the truth, Terrance.”
“Truth about what?” he said, taking a seat himself.
I rolled my eyes and said, “You know what exactly. I want to know what you did, what my old man did and why. Why would two people who were supposed to care about me do something like that? What the hell did I ever do to you Terrance besides be your friend?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said.
“Oh Jesus, Terrance. You so fucking know what I’m talking about. I watched a security tape a few days ago starring my father and my mother. It was a dramatic scene where she confronts him about setting up his son. That would be me. He doesn’t quite admit it, but when he tells her that none of us would have anything if it weren’t for the club it’s obvious where his loyalties lay.”
“So there you go. Bull set you up. Why do you want to bring me in on it?”
“What about the email?” I asked.
“What email?”
His answer pissed me off. I slammed my hand down on the coffee table and stood up. I had too much energy inside of me to stay sitting.
“You know what fucking email, Terrance. Even if you had forgotten it, I know that Olivia confronted you about it already.”
The look on his face when he realized that Olivia and I had talked about it was classic. He wasn’t ready to give it up yet.
He puffed his chest out and said, “So you found some old email I sent to Bull. I work for him. Why wouldn’t it stand to reason that I’d send him an email from time to time? Did it say, “Hey Bull, I set up Dax? Love, Terrance?”
His sarcasm was a defense mechanism and I knew him well enough to know it. “It said enough for me to know the two of you were up to something. Since it was the day before I got busted, I have to believe that something had to do with setting me up.”
“Maybe you’re paranoid,” he said.
I took two giant steps and put my face right down in front of his and I said, “And maybe you’re a fucking pussy liar. Why the fuck would you cover for him? Why turn your back on the only real friend you ever had for that fucking old man?”
“Me turn my back on you?” he questioned me, standing up. We were toe to toe, but he was a good half a foot taller than I was. I took a step back so I didn’t have to look up at him. “You left me, Dax. You went off to your fancy college and got yourself a fancy girlfriend and suddenly you were too good to hang out with me no matter how much I asked you to. You left me here with them and okay…you win…I did what Bull fucking wanted me to do because I had no choice.”
I was surprised about the college stuff. I never knew any of that bothered him. He never acted like it did back then. But did that qualify me for two years in prison? I didn’t think so.
“You had no choice? You’re a big boy, Terrance. You could have walked away or at least came to me and let me know what was going on.”
“God damnit, Dax! You lived with these people your whole life. The way that I did. You know that you don’t walk away from them without consequences. I did what I was told to do to keep them from doing it me. Maybe this was your punishment for walking away.”
I stared at him for the longest time. I couldn’t believe he was rationalizing it that way. He helped ruin my life, but it was okay because he had a feeble excuse. Bullshit.
“Fuck you, Terrance!” It was the only statement that made sense. I started to walk out. I couldn’t look at him much longer without punching him in the mouth. I thought about Olivia and turned around.
Before I could say anything he said, “Listen to me for a minute, Dax. I got those emails from Bull and I did what he told me to do. I want you to know that I felt like shit about it ever since, especially since I’ve been dating Olivia. The other guys and even my dad….I don’t think they knew. No one ever mentioned anything about it.”
“Wow, you regretted it, huh? I’m sorry about that buddy. That had to be tough.”
“Dax, please man.”
“No, shut the fuck up. Now it’s your turn to listen to me. You need to tell Olivia everything you just told me. Throw in the part about the regret. That should really get to her.”
“Dax, man…she’ll hate me. She’ll leave me. She doesn’t have to know. You two are over, right? Don’t you want her to be happy?”
I laughed. “Happy? You think you can make her happy? Happy the way your father being in the club made your mom happy or happy the way my mother is happy? You fucking tell her, Terrance, or I will.”
“Fuck! Okay, I’ll tell her. But let me do it, please.”
“Oh I will, because you deserve to have to tell her that you’ve been lying to her about all this time in order to get into her pants. You and I both know Olivia well enough to know how that�
��s going to go over. Have a great day, Terrance…and make sure you tell her today because I’ll be checking in with her tomorrow.”
I walked out of there shaking. It wasn’t because I was sad or sorry, but because I was still so pissed off. I couldn’t even wrap my head around how a best friend and a father could get together one day and decide to set up their best friend and their son. How they could look at themselves in the mirror every day for nearly three years after that, knowing that mine wasn’t the only life they had screwed up. My dad was watching my mother’s heart break and Terrance Olivia’s. Yet, they both just went on like they had not regrets. Terrance said he did, but even now all he was worried about was himself. Fuck that, he was dead to me.
CHAPTER EIGHT
OLIVIA
When I got home from work and saw Terrance’s bike out front I was surprised. He was usually never home in the middle of the day. Bull and his father usually had him running here and there delivering or picking up parts.
I opened the apartment door and was even more surprised to see him sitting on the couch looking like he was waiting for me.
“Hey, what’s up?” I asked him as I dropped my purse and keys on the table by the door. He looked upset and I was afraid something else bad happened.
“Hey, can we talk?” he asked.
He didn’t look like he wanted to talk. He actually looked like he wanted to throw up. My stomach had huge butterflies in it when I sat down in the chair across from him. I was already afraid I knew what he was going to say.
“Okay, what’s going on?”
“I did send that email to Bull after I put the heroin in Dax’s saddlebags,” he blurted, like he had to force himself to say it fast or he wasn’t going to say it at all.
I felt like I needed to push my mouth shut. I knew it was hanging open. I had kind of accepted that he had done it already, but the reality had not sunken in. I still held out hopes that it was all a terrible mistake.
“Why, Terrance? What would possibly have possessed you to do this?”
“I was told to by Bull. It was all by email. He never talked to me about it in person, but that’s the way Bull does things. The emails are short and blunt and practically in code so it would be hard to use them against anyone. But those were the orders and I followed them. I don’t know how I would explain it in order for you to understand it. This club, it’s been my whole life. I don’t know anything else. Could you imagine me out in the real world with a real job? I would never make it. I don’t have a mother like Dax does. One who is willing to send me to college or stand by me no matter what. I have a father who expects me to someday take his place as VP of this club. It’s all I’ve ever been groomed for. I’ve been told my whole life that the club always comes first. Club, God, Family.”
“Seriously? I’m sitting here wondering who you are.”
“You know who I am, Olivia. I’m the same man I was before Dax got out of prison.”
“You’re saying that the club comes before anything or anyone? That means that you would do anything Bull told you to do, to anyone? You didn’t even consider your friendship with Dax or consider what this would do to me at all?”
“No, I’m not saying that’s the way it should be. I’m saying that’s the way the club sees it and because I’ve got nothing else. I go along with it. I don’t know how to function without it, Olivia. But I’m not heartless. I’m not irredeemable as a human being. I don’t expect you to believe this, but I really did hope that Bull was going to change his mind. Right up until the last second, I didn’t really believe that Bull was going to let his own kid go to prison. At the very least, I thought he would stop it for Dax’s mom because it was going to kill her. I love Dax like a brother but Liv you have to understand that if I said no, I was going to lose everything I knew, maybe more.”
“And me? You didn’t care what this was doing to me at all? I am the biggest fool in the world…first I turn my back on Dax and then I spent a year with a man that I trusted and one that I thought had a lot more heart and integrity than this.”
“No, Olivia…please don’t say that. Liv, I love you. God, I love you. Us dating, I didn’t plan that. You and Dax were away at college and he rarely brought you around to club things. I didn’t really know you that well before. After this happened, I felt so bad that I wanted to do whatever I could for you. I was hoping that just being there would help. I fell in love with you. I didn’t mean to, but I did. I still am. This whole year that we’ve been together has been both heaven and hell. Every time you got upset over something that had to do with Dax, I felt so bad. I never wanted to hurt you.”
“Shut up, Terrance, please. Just shut up.”
I couldn’t stand to hear him say it one more time. He had no idea what love was and as much as I knew that it was almost assuredly because of the way he grew up. It wasn’t entirely his fault. However, he was a grown man and capable of making his own decisions and making up his own mind. I wasn’t going to be able to forgive him. He took away three years of Dax’s life, he did the same to me and Dax’s mom. The list just kept on going and the only thing he was actually sorry about was that we had found out.
“I can’t be with someone who would do something like that to his best friend. I can’t love someone like that.”
“Olivia…”
“No, Terrance. Whatever you’re going to say, keep it to yourself. What if Bull suddenly gets upset with me or angry with me or just tired of me? What if he wants rid of me someday and he tells you that you have to do something like this to me…or he’ll kick you out of your precious club?”
“I wouldn’t do that, Olivia. Never…”
“Bullshit, Terrance. You would have said the same to Dax before all of this happened. Hell, you would have said it to him yesterday before he knew the truth. I’m leaving and I don’t want to see you ever again.”
I could hear him yelling my name all the way to the parking lot. I didn’t look back. I just kept walking. I got in the car and without even thinking about it, I drove to Dax’s parent’s house. I had to see him, I had so much to make up for…if he was even willing to let me try. If he wasn’t, I wouldn’t even blame him.
I knocked on the door and after a few seconds, Gail pulled it open. “Olivia! Hi sweetie, what brings you by?”
“Hi, I was looking for Dax,” I told her.
She smiled. Something about that made her happy. I had always worried that she thought I was some kind of slut for being with Terrance, but I guess she didn’t completely hate me.
“I’m sorry, honey. He’s not here. He’s been staying at the club, in the bedroom in back.”
“Okay, thanks,” I told her, “I’ll go see him there.”
“Alright, be safe,” she said. She was always such a mother.
“I will be. Thank you.”
I drove to the bar next. I was trying to figure out in my head what I would say when I got there. What the hell do I say to someone I loved so much, but I completely turned my back on? I’m sorry didn’t seem like it would even begin to cover it.
I tried not to speed, but I felt a sudden overwhelming urge to see him, to touch him…to tell him that I never stopped loving him. I was shaking when I walked into the bar. Bull and the guys were sitting at the bar shooting the shit as usual.
I looked at Bull and said, “Is Dax here?”
“Yeah, his bike's still here anyways. He’s been sleeping in the back bedroom. Go on back.”
I did and when I got to the door I stood there for a minute, trying to stop shaking. It was pointless so I just went ahead and knocked.
“Yeah?” I heard him call from inside.
“It’s Olivia, can I come in?”
I heard the lock turn in the door. I still didn’t know what I was going to say. When he opened the door and I saw him standing shirtless and in his jeans I lost my head completely. I put my hand up on the back of his neck and pulled him down into a kiss. It wasn’t like the other night either. This one was a full mouth
-tongues-dancing-God-help-me-I-can’t-breathe kind of kiss. It was fucking fantastic.
CHAPTER NINE
DAX
One minute I’m pulling my pants on and the next Olivia’s at my door, kissing me hard. What the hell? I went with it for a few minutes. When I finally had to breathe, I pulled back and looked at her face,
“What’s going on?”
She couldn’t seem to get her breath, but when she finally did she said, “Don’t worry about it.”
If I hadn’t wanted to revisit the kiss so badly I may have laughed. It was no time for laughing though. I grabbed her up, kicked the door closed and re-locked it. I carried her over by the bed.
My fingers were shaking as I stroked a strand of her long hair away from her face. Our faces were so close that I could feel her warm breath, but our lips weren’t touching. It was erotic standing there like that with our bodies pressed against each other, her hard nipples pressing so urgently against the inside of her bra and her shirt that I could feel them against my chest. We had our fingers interlocked and our lips were so close that although they weren’t touching, I could still feel the sizzle.
She looked at me with her deep brown eyes and she smiled. It was like someone pulled the trigger. My mouth came back down on hers. I was rough and demanding but she was just as demanding right back. I moved my hands from hers and slid them up her arms, squeezing them and pulling her in even closer.
My instantly hard cock was pushing against her belly and as soon as she felt it she shuddered. It had been so long since I had been with a woman. The first and the last time were with her. They were all with her and I couldn’t even begin to imagine that it could be any better than what we had when we were together. The fact that we had been apart so long would undoubtedly make it better if I could make it last…
I used my tongue to probe the far corners of her warm, wet mouth and as I did, hers met mine. Little moans rose up in my throat. I could hear her breaths hissing in and out and feel her breasts heaving up and down against me.
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