“It’s okay, I’ve got you.” He continued to pull my dress up over my head. My mind was still heavy and I felt it trying to pull me back under.
“Why is she waking up?” I thought I heard another voice, but I knew that couldn’t be right.
There was more whispering, “I don’t think she drank it all.”
I heard the words, but they jumbled in my mind. Nothing was registering. It was hard just to focus on the voice, or voices, let alone understand what they were saying. It was like everything was a dream, real, but not real, and nothing was making sense.
Then cool plastic met my lips and my head was being tipped back. “Drink this, it will make everything feel better.” A tiny part of my brain protested and said I shouldn’t be letting him do this, but then cool water trickled down my throat, and then more.
When the cup was gone, warm hands slid down my bare arms, and it felt so nice. I sighed and then leaned back, letting him lower me until my head hit a pillow. The smell and feel of my sheets struck me. Something was off. They smelled like a boy. Before I could process what that meant, my mind quickly started drifting off again, despite the hands that still traveled over my body. I fought to hold on, to try and clear my mind so I could figure out why something inside of me felt so wrong, but the fog in my mind was too thick.
I felt a hard, warm body slide into the bed next to me. That wasn’t right, there shouldn’t be anyone else in my bed. I tried to sit up, but my limbs were so heavy and my head started spinning. Then large hands pressed me back down onto the mattress and began caressing up and down my chest and stomach. It felt like there were so many of them, but I couldn’t focus on a single touch. It was all a blur of sensation. The touches were so gentle, and I didn’t seem to be able to voice the protests that were trying to form somewhere in the back of my groggy mind.
“You’re so beautiful,” a deep voice whispered, before a hot mouth descended on me. For a brief moment, my entire body felt lit up, and tingled, but then slowly everything started slipping away again.
No matter how hard I tried, my mind couldn’t hang on to the present. For what seemed like forever, but could have been just a few minutes, I kept drifting in and out, aware that I wasn’t alone each time that I came to, but each time it became harder and harder to fight my way out of the fog, until there was no more struggling. No more thought. No more feeling. That was the last time I came to until morning.
When I did finally wake fully, I almost wished I hadn’t. My head was pounding so hard and my stomach rolled. I tried to figure out how I got in this state, but everything about the night before was muddy. I sucked in a few deep breaths and pried my eyes open, but still I couldn’t draw up any memories of last night after arriving at the house party. None. The whole night after that was missing.
The only things that I knew for sure were that the bed I was currently in was not my bed, I was not alone, and my clothes were missing. That was enough for the beginnings of panic to take over.
Then I rolled over and saw a naked Leland asleep beside me. A part of me was relieved that it was him. It would have been so much worse to wake to a stranger. Another part of me felt nothing but bitter disappointment and my stomach heaved.
My mind tried to put together the vague bits and pieces that I could recall, but the picture I was getting, wasn’t a pretty one. The bed smelled of sweat, alcohol and sex and a tear slipped down my cheek as I registered the slight soreness between my legs. There was no doubt about what had happened after we got back to Leland’s room, and although it wasn’t my first time, hot shame coursed through me at my actions.
Had I thrown myself at him? Was it his idea or mine to come back to his room? Did he enjoy it? Did I? The fact that I couldn’t answer any of those questions only increased the despair I felt crashing over me. I wasn’t a virgin, but I wasn’t a slut either. I avoided casual and meaningless hook-ups. I’d learned my lesson at my sweet sixteen.
My mother had thrown me the party of my dreams, spared no expense. Things weren’t great between us back then, but they weren’t like they were now. Everyone in my high school was invited to my Carnaval themed party. Garrett Michaels was a senior boy I’d been crushing on since the first day I saw him in the halls my freshman year. He was that guy, the one who walked through the high school like he owned the place, and in a way he did. Girls wanted him, guys either loved him or hated him, but they all wanted to be him. Teachers couldn’t keep him in line, but he worked them with his pretty boy, dimpled grin and charm.
All I’d wanted was for him to notice me.
Well, he did.
He showed up to my party, and his birthday gift consisted of pulling me into one of the guest bathrooms, taking my virginity right there on the bathroom floor, and then right as I thought I was getting what I’d wished for, him, he whispered “Happy birthday” in my ear and then left my party with his on again off again girlfriend Gigi.
I cried, and then my mom called me a spoiled, unappreciative brat for not enjoying the party she’d thrown for me. She never bothered to ask what it was that made me cry on my birthday. After that awful experience, I’d had one serious boyfriend in high school right up until he dumped me when things got bad after the wreck. Until last night, he was the only other guy I’d ever been with.
Another shameful tear slid down my cheek and I brushed it aside, sitting and pulling the sheet up to cover my body while I searched the room for my clothes.
The sick, disgusted feelings swimming around inside me only multiplied when I realized that the second bed in the room was not empty. Derek lay sleeping in his bed on the other side of the room. When had he come home last night? Had he seen me in Leland’s bed? He had to have, which meant he had to know what we’d been up to last night. I thought I might be sick if I laid there naked another second.
My eyes frantically began to search out my clothes and I dropped my legs over the side of the bed, still holding the sheet to my body.
The movement caused Leland to stir and slowly open his eyes. “Good morning,” he gave me a lazy smile and then his arms reached out, pulling me back down so that he could roll my body under him. He tugged the sheet down, revealing my body to him and placed light kisses along my collarbone and up my neck to my ear. “You look good in my bed and in my sheets.”
At the tenderness of his kisses and the sound of his soft voice whispering sweet words in my ear, some of the panic and despair I’d been feeling moments earlier, started to dissipate. Maybe it wasn’t as bad as I thought.
He continued kissing up and down my body, and I tried to shut down my mind, to lose myself in the feeling. I just couldn’t make myself relax or shut up the voice inside me that insisted it felt wrong. That it wasn’t what I wanted. That all the sweet words and kisses in the world couldn’t make Leland the guy I wanted. That part of me still couldn’t understand why I ever would have gone home with him last night. I’d never once before, in all my drunken nights, and there were more of them than I cared to admit, hooked up with a guy.
Until last night.
I hated that I couldn’t remember what I’d been thinking, and worried that I’d acted foolishly because of Chris. I regretted that I’d done that to myself and to Leland. It was obvious he felt more than I did. Guilt assailed me.
I was all too relieved when his phone vibrated on the bedside table and he caught a glimpse of the time. “Shit,” he muttered and sat up quickly. “I didn’t realize it was so late. I’ve got five minutes to get to my game.” He jumped up from the bed, leaving me lying there. I watched him hurry through his room, throwing on a pair of basketball shorts and a red t-shirt with some team name on it.
“Game?” I asked curiously, leaning up on my elbows.
“I play on one of the intramural teams here. I thought I set an alarm, but I must not have. I’m really fucking late. You can let yourself out. I gotta go,” he said as he hurriedly laced up his shoes and rushed out the door.
“Mornin’ Mia.”
I start
led. I hadn’t even noticed that with all of Leland’s activity, Derek had woken and was now sitting up in his bed in nothing but a pair of boxers. I quickly grabbed the sheet, covering my nakedness, feeling exposed and vulnerable and completely mortified that Derek might have seen me. It still bothered me that he was here, that Leland obviously didn’t think his presence was awkward or would make me uncomfortable.
“Morning,” I mumbled through my embarrassment, carefully maneuvering into a sitting position and trying once again to locate my clothes and my purse. I didn’t even know if it had made it back with us or where I’d left it. My dress was strewn on the floor beside the bed. I snatched it up and searched for my bra and panties, feeling Derek’s eyes on me the whole time.
“You might want to check under the bed.”
My eyes met his, and I detected the barest hint of a grin on his face before he wiped it away and stood, turning his back to me. I dropped down to the floor, still wrapped in the sheet, and sure enough, my bra, underwear and my purse were all shoved under there. I reached for them, only to find that my lacy underwear had been torn. A lump formed in my throat, but I gathered everything in my lap and then tried to figure out how I was going to dress with Derek in here. He saved me the trouble by gathering his own clothes and a towel and leaving me alone in the room without another word. I pulled on the bra and slid the dress over my head, and then, tightly clutching my ripped underwear, let myself out.
Chapter 8
Mia
I didn’t bump into anyone I knew on the trip down one floor to my room, and for that I was thankful. I was barely holding myself together, and as soon as I was behind my closed door, all the shame and ugly thoughts I’d been trying to keep at bay, flooded me and I sank down on my bed. Tears fell one by one, until they were pouring from my eyes, but I didn’t make a sound. I just sat there and cried silently. How did, what was supposed to be, such a good day, end with so much regret?
It was bad enough that I’d let myself get drunk enough not to remember the experience or any of the whys, but what made it worse was the absolute conviction I held inside of me that I had not wanted it, had not wanted him. Yet, I’d done it anyway. I felt sick and disgusting, inside and outside. How could I be so weak, and desperate and pathetic?
I pushed myself up, hiccupping on the soft cries still leaving my body. I couldn’t get out of my dress fast enough, throwing it to the floor, along with my bra. Yesterday those things had made feel so good, so beautiful, and now I was disgusted by them. I left them on the floor and headed for my shower, avoiding the bathroom mirror. I couldn’t look at myself right now.
Under the hot stream of water, more tears fell, until I had cried them all out, and my skin was heated a dark pink. I shut off the water and then dropped my head forward against the shower wall. I drew in a couple heavy breaths, trying to gain control over the barrage of emotions assaulting me. I had to face my decisions and accept that there was nothing I could do to change last night. No matter how much I wished I could. I had to figure out how to move on from it.
At some point that would mean talking to Leland, but right now I just needed to take my mind off last night.
I dried and dressed in my comfiest pajamas and located the text book I was supposed to be reading for my lit class, on my desk. I hoped that analyzing the thematic elements and cultural context of narratives from the eighteenth century would provide enough distraction for my brain, but just as I’d curled myself onto the sofa, I heard my phone ding inside my purse. I retrieved it and checked the six unread text messages.
Three from Jill. Two of those from last night, her checking on me when she realized I’d left the party, and one from this morning after Leland or someone had informed her that he’d gotten me home. She wanted to know how I was feeling.
I couldn’t touch that right now, so I didn’t reply.
Two of the messages were from Sadie, also checking on me. She wanted me to call her.
The last one was from Leila.
Real classy Mia. Way to hold up the family name last night. Guess it wouldn’t really be a party though, if you weren’t doing something to embarrass the rest of us and make everything about you. I’m sure it was a night Sadie won’t forget.
I hadn’t thought it was possible to feel any worse. I was wrong. Even though I was afraid to face Sadie, I owed her a serious apology and my guilt wouldn’t allow me to put it off.
She answered her phone after the first ring.
“Hey, Mia.” I didn’t detect any of the anger or snippiness I’d expected to hear. She sounded normal, not at all pissed at me.
“Hey,” I said sheepishly.
“How are you feeling?”
“Really embarrassed and sorry. I know there’s no excuse for how I acted at your party, but I swear I didn’t mean to get so out of hand. I really am sorry.”
“I know you are,” she sighed. “Do you want to talk about whatever was going on with you yesterday?”
Not really.
“I don’t know, I just . . . I was so excited for you, and I wanted one night to feel good and celebrate without thinking about classes, or studying, or Mom and Dad. I was having so much fun with Bree, that I didn’t realize how carried away I was getting.” It was only part of the truth, but I’d already let her down enough. I couldn’t bring myself to admit the overwhelming jealousy Chris’ girlfriend ignited in me and how I’d felt like I didn’t belong at her party.
“I understand, Mia, and I’m not mad, but you need to be more responsible. I know partying is pretty typical for college kids, but with your history, you’ve got to be careful.”
“I know, I promise I will be. It was just one night, and it won’t happen again,” I was adamant. “Is Ace really upset with me?”
“No, he isn’t. He cares about you too. We were all just worried and wanted to make sure you’re okay.”
I wondered if I told her about what I’d done last night, if she would think I was okay. Something told me she wouldn’t, which is why I couldn’t bring myself to confide in her, even though I really wished I had someone I could talk to about it. I needed to show Sadie that I had my shit together, and admitting to last night’s mistake wasn’t going to convince her of that.
“I promise I’m okay. I have a bit of a headache and I feel a little queasy still, but with some rest and food, I’ll feel fine. I need to do some reading though for one of my classes, so I better go.”
“Okay, feel better. I love you and I’m here for you any time you want to talk about stuff.”
“I know. Thank you. I love you too.”
I ended the call and then settled in with the large volume on my lap. Any other day, I required quiet to really focus, but today the quiet was not my friend, and no matter how many times I read and re-read paragraphs, my concentration slipped and my thoughts constantly returned to last night and how I’d woken up this morning.
I kept coming back to the same thoughts. I didn’t understand how I’d gotten so drunk. I’d had fuzzy nights before, lost details here and there and done some stupid shit, but I’d never blacked out an entire night. And having sex with a guy I hadn’t even been able talk myself into liking in that way, despite how much he flirted, definitely topped my list of stupid shit.
Weak. Pathetic.
That was how I felt for giving in.
He was my friend though. He was fun and sweet and more than attractive. It wasn’t his fault I was hung up on Chris. Maybe my drunk self had seen in Leland what I couldn’t when I was obsessing over Chris. It could have been my subconscious giving me the push I needed to move past Chris, and if I did have to move past Chris, I could do so much worse than Leland.
It was going to be alright, I told myself.
Leland was a good guy. He deserved a chance.
I just needed more time to develop feelings for him and get over the ones I had for Chris. Things had moved so fast, but I could ask him if we could slow down, take the time to go on a couple dates. I convinced myself that i
f I just gave him a real chance without comparing him to Chris, it wouldn’t be so bad. With that decision, came the barest hint of peace. The only bit I got all day.
I didn’t hear from Leland. Eventually, I tried to text him, knowing I needed to face last night. Two hours later I was still in that spot, pretending I was actually accomplishing something because I had books opened around me, and he still hadn’t replied. It was hard to know whether I was relieved or disappointed. I think I was equally torn between the two, but I texted him again. The first time I’d just asked how his game went. This time I asked him if he wanted to go grab coffee later so we could talk. When another hour passed, still without a response, a whole new set of worries took root inside of me.
I’d felt guilty for thinking I’d used Leland to escape last night. It never occurred to me that he’d just been using me to get what he wanted.
Was he done with me now?
Had this been his intention from the beginning?
Was I really that naïve? Again.
Or had last night just been so terrible that he was going to avoid me now?
The last thing I could handle was feeling more insecure, but I couldn’t ignore the voice in my head that was berating me for being so reckless and stupid and not seeing this coming. I couldn’t take anymore, so I slammed my book closed and, just for the heck of it, dialed my father.
“Hello,” he answered brusquely.
“Hey Daddy, it’s Mia.”
“Oh, Mia,” his voice softened. “What do you need sweetheart?”
“Nothing, I just wanted to call and check in. I haven’t talked to you in a little while, and I just wanted to make sure you’re still coming to Parents’ weekend.”
“Okay, let me check my calendar again.” He was quiet for a moment “Oh, that’s next weekend.”
“Yeah.”
“I’m afraid something’s come up at work. I have to fly out to Germany on Thursday to take care of a problem with one of our manufacturers there. I won’t be able to make it back until Monday.”
Saving Ever After (Ever After #4) Page 7