She quickly shoved her door open and bolted from the car. It was only then that I realized Katrina’s car was still in the driveway and she was climbing out of it. I got out too, just long enough to tell her I would meet her back at her place so we could talk.
There was no way I could go inside with Mia and not strangle her and scream at her some more. I knew my words were harsh, and some of them I even regretted, but I just couldn’t get through to her, and I couldn’t keep watching her do this to herself. It was tearing me to pieces as much as it was her, and I didn’t understand how she could do it. I didn’t understand how this girl and the one she’d been in Australia, the one who had fucking wormed her way inside me, were the same person.
I followed Katrina to her condo, pulling in right behind her, but the whole drive over, I’d begun to feel more uneasy and guilty for the things I’d said to Mia, and leaving her there on her own in that state. I sat in my car, debating turning around and going back to try and talk to her. I sat there too long, because Katrina came over and knocked on the window. I rolled it down.
“Aren’t you coming in?”
“I don’t think this was a good idea, Katrina. I’m sorry. I was upset and needed to get out of that situation, but I shouldn’t be here.”
“Why not? Why shouldn’t you be here Chris? You said we could talk. We need to talk. I have so much I want to tell you.”
I sighed, “I know you do, and that’s the problem. I don’t have anything to say. I know you still think we can fix this, and that whatever you say will change my mind, but it’s not going to. Me leaving Mexico was still the right thing to do. We shouldn’t be together. More importantly, I don’t want to be,” I tried to say it gently, but there really was no easy way to break it to her, and she started crying.
“But I love you!”
I grabbed the door handle, and she backed up so that I could climb out. I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her into my chest. “I’m so sorry that this is hurting you, but when it stops hurting, you’ll see that I was right, and that there’s someone better for you out there, but it’s not me. I’m sorry I couldn’t admit that sooner and that you’re hurting because I was selfish. I really wanted it to work Katrina, but you deserve more than I can offer you.”
“But I only want you,” she sobbed into my shirt and I rubbed my hand up and down her back trying to soothe her.
“I’m sorry, Katrina, but this is what’s best for both of us.”
I held her for a few more minutes until she pulled herself together enough to realize we were standing in the middle of the parking strip outside her condo. Then she quickly pulled away, wiping at her eyes, insisting that she would be fine before hurrying inside. That was twice tonight I felt like a complete asshole.
I got back in my car and drove home, hoping Mia would talk to me. I needed to apologize and find a way to help her without yelling at her. Any idiot could see how deeply that girl was hurting. She needed someone to listen and understand. Instead of giving her that, I’d reacted poorly. All I wanted was to make things alright for her. All I wanted was to strip away the hurt and protect her.
When I got back to the house and stepped inside, Ivy was there at my feet, whimpering and crying and running around agitatedly. My stomach filled with dread. I had this awful sense that something was wrong.
“What is it girl?”
She took off toward the kitchen, still whining, and I followed after her. Most of the lights were still off so it took me second to realize that the dark form on the kitchen floor was Mia slumped over, face to the tile. I quickly flipped on the light and dropped down to my knees beside her. She was bent on her side like she’d been sitting with her back to the cupboard and then passed out. There was an empty bottle of Jack Daniels spilled out beside her and a puddle of vomit in front of her face. I knew that bottle had been mostly full, and there wasn’t enough on the floor to account for it being empty now. I grabbed her shoulders and tried shaking her. Her skin felt cool and clammy to the touch and I got no response. I listened for her breathing, but it was so shallow and slow that I could barely feel the irregular puffs of air escaping her mouth on my ear.
“Mia, come on, please wake up!” I shook her some more, even slapped her cheek gently, but still she was unresponsive. Panicking, I clumsily pulled my phone out of my pocket and managed to dial my dad, pleading with him to answer. A small amount of relief washed over me when he did.
“Hey Chris, it’s pretty late, is everything –” I didn’t let him finish asking if everything was okay, because it wasn’t.
“Mia drank too much. She’s passed out. I can’t wake her up. I think she has alcohol poisoning.”
My dad immediately slipped into doctor mode. “Is she breathing?”
“Yeah, but it’s slow, and her skin is a little pale and cold.”
“Okay, then it sounds like she definitely has alcohol poisoning. How long has she been out?”
“I don’t know. I just found her, couldn’t have been more than half an hour though.”
“Okay, where are you guys?”
“At home, I mean my place, at Ace’s.”
“She needs to get to a hospital. It would take too long for me to meet you guys at my office, so you’re just going to have to call 9-1-1 or drive her to the hospital yourself.”
“I can get her there in ten minutes. I’ll drive her myself.”
“I’ll call ahead and tell them you’re coming.”
I hung up, shoving my phone in my pocket and then quickly scooped Mia off the floor, hurrying out the door. Somehow I managed to get the back door of my Cheyenne open and Mia inside without dropping her. I laid her across the back seat on her side and buckled her in the best I could and then jumped into the driver’s seat.
I drove as quickly as I could without breaking too many traffic laws. I’d overestimated myself though, and it took fifteen minutes to get her to the hospital. I thought at one point that I heard Mia come to and groan while I was driving, but when I pulled her out of the back seat, she was completely out again. Hospital staff was waiting to meet us inside the emergency room and immediately carted her off.
The panic that had been making my heart race and blood pump in my ears started to abate, but the sick feeling in my gut remained. It was out of my hands though. There was nothing left I could do for her and after the things I’d said to her, I doubted she would even want anything from me. I should have seen how fragile she was when I picked her up, how she was barely hanging on by a thread. Instead of trying to understand though, I yelled and berated her. As mad as I was at Mia for doing this to herself, I was just as mad at myself for not trying harder to reach her.
The only things left for me to do were call Sadie, which I dreaded, and then get out of here. I knew Mia wouldn’t want to see me when she woke up.
When Sadie answered, it was obvious from the grogginess in her voice that I’d woken her. Looking at the clock on my dash, I saw that it was almost two in the morning.
“Chris? What’s going on?”
“Mia’s in the hospital, Sadie. Alcohol poisoning.”
I heard her sharp gasp, “Oh God.”
“I found her passed out on the kitchen floor and got her to the hospital. She should be okay after they get an IV in her and pump her stomach, but I think it would be best if you could be here when she wakes up. I can tell you more later, but I think she’s in a real bad place right now.”
“We’re on our way. Are you at the hospital now?”
“I’m just leaving. Since I’m not family, there’s not really anything I can do here, so I’m going to go home.”
After we hung up, I gripped the steering wheel tightly and dropped my head to rest against it. What would have happened if I had gone inside Katrina’s? Or if I’d gone to Spade’s to avoid Mia like I’d considered? What if I had just stayed with her to begin with? What if I hadn’t gotten so angry at her? Mia was responsible for her choices, but I couldn’t help feeling like I’d pushed her t
o do this tonight. Like I’d failed her when she needed me.
The stench of liquor and vomit greeted me when I finally made it back home and walked in the door. It only compounded the sick feeling in my stomach. How long had Mia lain there in her own vomit? What thoughts had been running through her head in the moments before she passed out?
Those were the questions that ran through my mind as I cleaned up the mess. More than anything I just wish I knew why?
Why was she making so many bad choices?
Why did she try to drown herself in Jack?
Why was she so broken?
Why did I want to be the one to help her so badly?
Chapter 26
Mia
“Why Mia, why?”
Sadie’s question rang over and over in my head.
“Why?”
That was what she asked me when I finally woke up in the hospital this morning and saw her sitting beside my bed. Her cheeks were stained with her tears. Her eyes were red and blotchy from the crying and probably lack of sleep as well.
Seeing her had gutted me.
It was more than I could handle.
I’d completely let her down.
So I yelled at her. I told her to leave, told her I didn’t want her there. I threatened to start screaming if she didn’t go.
So she went, but not before I saw that she was crying again.
So why was I lying uncomfortably in a hospital bed with a needle shoved in my arm, and a damn catheter making everything uncomfortable?
Why had I done it?
I thought back to last night, after I’d climbed from Chris’ car, humiliated and furious from the words he’d thrown in my face. Then I saw Katrina in the driveway and overheard Chris say he would follow her to her place. It was like he’d twisted the knife in deeper. I thought they had broken up.
I’d gone in the house feeling distraught and almost manic. They way he’d looked at me, so disgusted, I couldn’t get that look out of my head. He hated me, didn’t want anything to do with me either. I couldn’t even blame him. I couldn’t blame anyone but myself, and I hated everything about myself in that moment. The gut wrenching pain I felt was almost crippling. It was too deep inside me. It felt like it was shredding me from the inside out. I stumbled my way into the kitchen, choking on the agonized sobs trying to escape my chest because I couldn’t even breathe through it.
I knew where they stored the alcohol and I went right for that cupboard, pulling out the first full bottle I saw, a large bottle of Jack Daniels. I hated that stuff, but still I twisted off the cap and took a long pull. It burned and tasted like gasoline. I coughed, and slammed the bottle down on the counter. I really hated that stuff, but at the same time I needed it. I needed the burn and the mind numbing oblivion it would bring. I took another swig from the bottle, this time without coughing, but I spilled some down my face. I wiped it with the back of my hand, still holding the bottle. I walked over to the sink, slamming the bottle down on the counter again, and then flipped on the hot water to rinse my hand off. I didn’t bother looking for a towel, and just wiped my hand on my jeans. Then I leaned forward, gripping the edge of the counter tightly with both hands, sucking in deep breaths to try and regain some control.
My eyes caught on what I saw looking back at me in the kitchen window. My grip relaxed slightly as I stared closely at the haunting image in the darkened glass. It was my reflection. There was one moment of clarity when I saw the pain and devastation on my face, and I told myself it didn’t have to be this way. I am more than this. But then all of the self doubt crept back in and the only words I could here were: Mistake. Fuck up. Reckless. Lost Cause. Worthless. Stupid. Slut . . . Alone.
I’d just wanted them to stop, so in my weakness I put that bottle of Jack to my lips, and pulled the trigger.
I don’t remember much of anything after that until waking up this morning in the hospital. It wasn’t hard to figure out that Chris must have returned and found me, probably passed out on the kitchen floor, because I vaguely remembered sliding down the cupboard to the floor when I could no longer stand.
He should have just left me there. I wasn’t his problem. He was done with me. At least if he had just left me, or never come back last night, the misery would have ended. Those words wouldn’t still be on repeat in my head. I wouldn’t have had to see them in my sister’s eyes as well. I knew she was thinking them too. How could she not be when they were all true? Still I could see that she’d wanted to find some way to understand, so she could try and save me, but I didn’t think she could. I didn’t think anyone could. The only thing I was good for was hurting and dragging the people I cared about down with me.
The nurses continued to come in and check on me, but they were cold and looked at me with disapproval. It was nothing compared to when my mother stepped foot into my room. Her eyes were ice and her face granite. She eyed me up and down, finding me entirely lacking.
“If you wanted my attention, well now you have it. The insurance company called,” she informed me. “There’s no way in hell I’m going to continue to enable this behavior. I had you removed from our plan. You can find a way to take care of your own hospital bills. I also refuse to sign another check to your school. It’s obviously a waste as you don’t appear to be learning anything. Your trust was set up by your grandparents so there’s nothing I can do about that, but don’t count on another penny coming in. If your father wants to throw his money away on you, that’s his problem, but you won’t be mine anymore.”
I just sat there listening.
“You’ve put me through enough with these little stunts. I’m tired of trying to set you straight and cover up your mistakes. I never thought I would be so ashamed of one of my daughters. You had every opportunity that Leila and Caitlyn had, you were given all the same chances and yet you continue to let your father and me down in every possible way. Even Sadie, for all of her mistakes, has managed to create a life for herself and stand on her own two feet. I suggest you figure out how to do the same, or you will continue to fall and there will be no one there to help you back up. Now, I have a flight to catch to Seattle where you can be sure I’ll discuss this with your father. You’re being discharged, so I suggest you take this as a wake-up call and pull yourself together if you can manage that.”
That was her only goodbye before she turned and walked back out of my room just as uncaringly as she had walked in. Empty silence descended on me until a little while later, the doctor returned with discharge papers and a bag containing my personal items, the clothes I’d had on last night. I didn’t relish the idea of putting them back on. I was saved from having to though.
I found that Sadie had left clean clothes for me before I’d thrown her own.
I was an awful bitch. Like mother like daughter.
I dressed and signed my papers, asking about some kind of payment plan for whatever costs I’d racked up in a night, but I was told by the lady behind the desk that my bills had been paid by my sister.
Make that, awful, heartless bitch.
There was no one waiting for me. No one to give me a ride, no one I could call for a ride. I didn’t even have my purse or my phone. They were still at Ace’s. Thankfully I found some change in the pocket of the pants I was wearing when I was admitted to the hospital. There was enough that I was able to catch the bus back to campus. It was Monday, but I’d already missed my morning class and there was no way in hell I was going to my afternoon class.
I didn’t go to any classes that week. I barely stepped foot out of my dorm.
Just about everyone was aware of my trip to the hospital. When a famous drummer drops a girl at the ER, people notice and people talk. It was all over the media. They dug up the info about my arrest earlier that night, my parents’ divorce and even the story of the New Year’s accident.
It was all there for everyone to read, how two of my friends had been killed that night. Drugs were involved. I was, apparently, a self-destructive junkie, alcoholic who
couldn’t cope. Except for the junkie part, they pretty much got everything else right. Oh, and the part where I was Christian Cross’ secret lover. That part actually made me laugh. I bet it pissed him off though. He was probably trying to figure out if he could sue anyone over that lie, or at the very least get it retracted immediately.
Sadie stopped by one day to drop off my purse and talk, but I didn’t want to talk. I had nothing to say that she would want to hear, so I shut the door in her face. She needed to distance herself from this train wreck. My dad called and left several voicemails, saying that it was very important that we talk about what was going on with me. If he really wanted to talk though, he could fly out here and scold me like my mother had. Fortunately my parents were still somewhat in the dark about just how bad my situation was. Nobody was aware that the school would be taking action against me. That, I was informed of two days after I was released from the hospital.
Kris actually had the nerve to try and stop by too. He also got a door slammed in his face.
The only person who didn’t get a door in her face when she showed up was Jillian, mostly because she shoved her way in before I could tell her to leave. She was one of the few people whose thoughts about me I just really didn’t care about, so I didn’t fight her. She wanted to talk. So we did. I told about what happened that night, leaving out what Derek and Leland had done to me. She told me about one time when she spent three days in the hospital because of an overdose. She didn’t seem to care what people on campus or the tabloids and internet were saying about me. She was maybe the only person who wasn’t judging me because of what I’d done and my past.
She also gave me good advice, at least it seemed like good advice at the time. She told me, “Fuck it, and fuck them.” Not the most original or profound bit of advice I’d ever heard, but still I took it.
If nobody and nothing else mattered, then I couldn’t let anyone down again, not even myself, so I stopped giving a shit. About everything. At least I tried.
Saving Ever After (Ever After #4) Page 24