By My Side

by Alice Peterson

  46

  I wake up the following morning and slide my arm across the bed but he’s not there. I frown heavily when I see that Charlie left my wheelchair at the opposite side of the room. I hear Rich crashing around next door and knock against the wall, repeatedly. Thankfully Charlie’s parents are on the other side of the house.

  Finally Rich appears, dressed in his jeans, looking hungover. ‘I feel dreadful,’ he moans.

  ‘Me too. I can’t move.’

  ‘I know. Why do we drink so much? Oh God, you really can’t move.’

  I laugh feebly, holding my head in my hands. ‘Can you bring my chair over?’

  ‘Sure.’

  When Ticket and I are apart, I realise just how much he does for me.

  *

  An hour later Rich carries me downstairs. ‘Where is everyone?’ he grumbles when we enter an empty kitchen. We look for Charlie and finally hear voices coming from the sitting room. The door is slightly ajar. Rich is about to go in, but I pull him back, certain I heard Anna say my name.

  ‘You know who I’m talking about,’ she says.

  I lean in closer.

  ‘It’s none of your business,’ Charlie replies. ‘Or yours, Mum.’

  ‘Darling, we’re concerned, that’s all.’

  ‘Are you?’ Anna presses.

  ‘Yes. Yes I am.’

  ‘Well, I wish you’d just told us,’ Mrs Bell says, ‘instead of creeping round the house like teenagers.’

  ‘I didn’t want to tell you yet because you get too involved. Look at what happened with Jo. You went out with her, Mum, not me.’

  ‘That’s a bit over the top, Charlie. I’m not trying to interfere. . .’

  I wait for the ‘but’.

  ‘. . . but have you really thought this through?’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘She’s younger than you.’

  ‘She’s twenty-five. There’s eight years between you and Dad.’

  ‘Well, yes, but …’

  ‘But what?’

  There’s a long painful silence.

  ‘I know what you’re thinking,’ he says, ‘both of you.’ I can tell Charlie is struggling to keep calm. I hear footsteps approaching the door. Rich tries to pull me away.

  Mrs Bell raises her voice. ‘Charlie! Wait! We must talk about this. Are you in love with her?’

  ‘I don’t know, Mum! Christ, what is this!’

  ‘You realise, don’t you, that you will have to look after her for the rest of your life?’

  I flinch.

  ‘What’s the prognosis?’ Mrs Bell persists.

  ‘Prognosis? What are you talking about?’

  ‘Can she have children?’ Anna asks.

  Rich is pacing behind me.

  ‘I don’t know!’ Charlie snaps. ‘We’ve only been going out for a few weeks, Mum. Funnily enough we haven’t visited the family planning clinic yet.’

  ‘Well, I think you do need to give it some thought.’

  ‘What if she can’t?’ Anna supports her mother.

  ‘Can you have children?’ he asks her.

  ‘Charlie! What kind of question is that?’ Anna laughs nervously. ‘Yes,’ she adds.

  ‘How do you know?’

  ‘You’re being ridiculous now.’

  ‘Well, you can’t take it for granted, Anna. No one knows until they try. It’s not a God-given right.’

  ‘But I’m not – you know.’

  ‘Not in a wheelchair?’ Charlie finishes off for her.

  Rich is standing over me. ‘Cass, please can we go,’ he whispers urgently.

  But I can’t move.

  ‘Charlie,’ Anna says. ‘We’re concerned because we love you.’

  ‘We’re worried that you’re being sucked in,’ Mrs Bell continues. ‘You feel sorry for her, and I do too. It’s a tragic thing to happen to anybody.’

  ‘Mum, just stop.’

  ‘And then her poor friend committing suicide, it’s awful, but you can’t always be there for her. She’s vulnerable, darling, but the girl is clearly in love with you and I don’t want you to feel trapped.’

  ‘I don’t believe this!’ Charlie shouts now. ‘Do you think it was my dream to go out with someone like Cass? Did I have posters in my bedroom of women in wheelchairs?’

  Rich puts his head into his hands. ‘Please. Let’s go.’

  ‘I know she’s vulnerable, Mum. That’s why it’s taken me this long to admit my feelings!’

  ‘But will Cass mind you doing all the things she can’t do?’ his mother carries on. ‘You haven’t even talked to her about it, have you?’

  ‘How can I? You make it sound so easy! Of course I’m worried, I’m fucking terrified, Mum.’

  A tear runs down my eye. Rich begs me to leave now.

  ‘If I could, I’d be with Jo or Libby in a second. Life would be a whole lot easier. I’d far rather go out with someone who wasn’t like Cass, Mum! I don’t want to feel like this. It would be a hell of a lot less complicated … but—’

  ‘Well, I’m not stopping you,’ I say, finally opening the door.

  Silence descends across the room.

  ‘I heard everything,’ I say, Rich standing by my side.

  ‘Cass, I was angry, I didn’t mean, well, I meant it but, oh God … See what you’ve done!’ he shouts at his mother and Anna. Neither can look at me. They stand helplessly by the fireplace, looking down at their feet.

  ‘Mrs Bell, just to put you straight, I can have children. I’ve spoken to my doctor about it.’

  ‘Oh good, good,’ she mutters with a pained smile.

  ‘The only problem I have is people assume I can’t have them.’ I clear my throat. ‘And, Anna, I’m not sure you have any right to lecture Charlie on relationships.’

  Charlie approaches, but I back away. ‘But you –’ I look at him, my voice breaking – ‘all my worst fears, everything I hate about myself, the fear I hold you back, well, now I know how you feel.’ I wheel myself out of the room as fast as I can, move down the hall, past the squatting Buddha—

  ‘Wait!’ Charlie calls out, catching up with me. ‘Where are you going? I’m so sorry, Cass. Can we talk?’

  ‘Oh God!’ I scream, looking towards the stairs.

  ‘Here. Let me help,’ Charlie says.

  ‘Just go, leave me alone!’

  ‘Cass, please …’ he begs.

  ‘Go, Charlie.’ Rich intervenes, resting a firm hand on his friend’s arm.

  He walks out of the front door, slamming it behind him.

  ‘What on earth is going on?’ asks Henry, coming inside, dressed in his gardening hat and wellington boots.

  *

  When I am packed I ask Rich if we can escape quickly, without any goodbyes. I don’t want to sign the visitors’ book. ‘No, you have to find Charlie,’ he pleads. ‘Cass, I’m not driving you home until you’ve talked to him.’

  ‘I can’t face him, not yet.’

  ‘Please. He’s my best friend.’

  *

  Rich and I find Charlie sitting by the lake, throwing a stick into the water, staring ahead. Instinctively he turns and stands up.

  Rich discreetly leaves us alone.

  ‘Cass,’ he says, trying to touch my shoulder, but I move away. ‘I’m so sorry. I feel terrible.’

  ‘You were being honest. Do you think I’ll hold you back?’

  He shakes his head.

  We are quiet, until finally he says, ‘Cass, there is this part of me that’s scared.’

  ‘Me too, Charlie.’

  ‘I’m nervous of hurting you if things don’t work.’

  ‘But I’m no different to any other girl.’

  ‘That’s not true,’ he says, and deep down I know I can’t argue with that.

  I look at Charlie, try to picture my own image in a silver frame, mounted in his parents’ sitting room, on top of the grand piano. ‘This isn’t going to work, is it?’

  ‘Don’t say that.’

&
nbsp; ‘Your family will never accept me.’

  ‘They will.’

  ‘Charlie.’ I shake my head, telling him to stop fooling himself. ‘I think we need a break.’

  ‘No.’

  ‘But those things you said, that you don’t want to be in love with me, that life would be so much easier if you were with Libby or Jo—’

  ‘Don’t,’ he cuts me off, not wanting to be reminded.

  ‘We can’t pretend, go back to how things were. Everything’s changed between us.’

  ‘But we’re letting Mum and Anna win, can’t you see that?’

  ‘It’s not about anyone winning. I love you, Charlie, and I know how much you do for me, but I’d hate it if you started to resent me. I’d never forgive myself.’

  ‘I won’t.’

  ‘I think we should have time apart,’ I say quietly again. ‘I’m going to move out, back to my parents’.’

  Charlie throws another stick into the water. ‘Time apart? For how long?’

  ‘I’ll be gone by tomorrow night.’

  47

  Ticket positions himself in front of me and I wipe the corners of his eyes with damp cotton wool pads and when I’m finished he licks my hand twice. ‘I need to give you a good brush today too, don’t I?’ I say to him. ‘Wasn’t Kim pleased with us?’ Kim from Canine Partners visited last week to check up on Ticket’s progress. She recorded his weight, tested the condition of his coat and I assured her I only shampooed him when he rolled in something unmentionable on his walks. ‘We passed with flying colours. And we’ve got such an exciting day ahead, haven’t we?’

  Today we’re taking the train to London to see all our Canine Partner friends for a reunion lunch. Softly spoken Jenny has arranged it all and we’re meeting at Westfield Shopping Centre. There’s a stretch of easy access restaurants along the Southern Terrace.

  ‘Westfield won’t know what’s hit them,’ Mum says, as she drives us to the station.

  *

  When I’m on the train I think about everything that has happened in the last two weeks, since I left Charlie. We haven’t been in touch. I shouldn’t be surprised that he hasn’t called because I said we both needed time apart, space to think. ‘You need to work out what you want, Charlie.’ Rich has been in contact and we’ve become close. He’s made it clear he supports us both, but wants to be sure I’m OK. If Anna weren’t so intent on interrogating everyone else, she’d realise that she was a fool to let him go. I wonder what Charlie is doing right now. He’ll be at work, of course, but will he be out tonight with his friends thinking that life is much easier without Cass and Ticket? Does he suspect his mother and Anna were right after all? Is this time apart a chance for him to break free from the spell I have put him under?

  ‘I’m nervous of hurting you if things don’t work.’

  I look out of the window at the world passing by. I’m not angry any more. I understand why he said the things he said. I only wish I hadn’t heard it in that way.

  Studying has been a great distraction. After careful consideration King’s has allowed me to sit my final two years, and not only that but they will help me find suitable accommodation. I hadn’t realised how much it had meant to me until Mum handed me an official-looking letter. I ripped it open, Mum hovering over me, saying repeatedly, ‘So?’ When I shrieked with joy, Ticket jumped on to my lap and Mum threw her arms around us.

  I have been reading all my old notes and textbooks, to make sure I’m up to speed to begin year four this autumn. Returning to my past will haunt me. I’ll picture the old Cass running into the auditorium, late for lectures. I’ll see the old carefree Cass with Sean.

  When I’d told Frankie I was feeling both anxious and excited about King’s, she described her first day back at school after her injury. ‘It was hard, Cass. When you’re seventeen you want to blend into the crowd, not be a spectacle. I’d look out of the window to the sports field where I used to play hockey. I remembered how I used to run down the corridors to avoid bumping into the teachers I didn’t like. But it got easier, and by the end it felt like a massive achievement. If I could survive school, I could survive anything.’

  Frankie is right. Nothing is going to stop me any more. If I can do this, I can do anything, even live without Charlie.

  A ticket conductor walks through our carriage; he slots my ticket into his machine.

  Yet, one of the first people I’d wanted to call was Charlie. It felt so strange not being in contact. I phoned Dom and Jamie. I told Guy. I talk to him at odd moments of the day and as crazy as this sounds I feel as if he can hear me. I also rang Sarah immediately and she came to stay last weekend, to celebrate. After a couple of glasses of wine we ended up talking about Charlie. ‘I miss him,’ I said. ‘Maybe I should call?’

  She was shaking her head. ‘No! Don’t you dare give in, Cass! You’ll regret it tomorrow.’

  I nodded. ‘I hate it when you’re right,’ I added, putting my telephone away.

  I tell Ticket we’re approaching Paddington. However strange it feels to be in London, and not to see Charlie, I tell myself to put him out of my mind. It’s Ticket’s special day today.

  *

  When Ticket sees Cilla he jiggles and wags his tail. Then he spots Captain, his fur so golden and wearing the smartest red-studded collar, and the three of them jiggle some more, almost as if they’re dancing and reliving their puppy days. When Pandora and Tinkerbell come along it’s all too much. Tails can’t stop wagging. It’s like the best school reunion, ever!

  Over lunch, we talk about the training course, laughing at how Alex had smuggled gin into the room that night after Edward and I had had a bad video session. We’re all sorry not to see Tom and his partner Leo. Tom was the one with cerebral palsy, studying in Leeds. Tom wasn’t well today, but Jenny tells us she’s kept in touch with him via email. ‘He’s doing a skydive for Canine Partners,’ she says, ‘so we must all sponsor him.’

  ‘Email?’ I say, finding that more surprising than Tom’s skydive, recalling how terrified Jenny had been of computers and social networking.

  She laughs. ‘I know I telephoned you all to arrange today, I’m still old-fashioned like that, but look!’ She digs into her handbag and out comes a Blackberry. ‘I’ve been on a computer course,’ she claims proudly, ‘and I can text.’

  ‘You’ll be on Twitter next,’ I say.

  We all clap and cheer when Jenny also tells us she and Captain will be torchbearers for the Olympics this summer. Out of thousands of nominations, they were selected.

  Trevor is looking healthy and fit, and often doesn’t need his wheelchair. He tells us Pandora is the best four-legged personal trainer. ‘She’s much more fun than going to the gym.’ He has begun to go to church again. Pandora sits quietly with him. ‘She did, mind you, let out one giant yawn in the middle of the sermon last week, so she’s now a real hit in the congregation!’ His eyes are alive, which reminds me of what Stuart Harris had said to me that very first day at the Canine Partner Centre. ‘When I see applicants for the first time there’s something dead in their eyes.’

  Next up is Alex. ‘I haven’t met no one, Cilla can’t work miracles, but I’m not lonely no more. She’s my life.’

  Edward goes on to tell us his news. He’s met someone. ‘She’s my physio,’ he says. ‘You see, my social life is pretty much built around the hospital.’ He also tells us that he’s beginning to give talks at schools about his experiences, along with giving a Canine Partner demonstration at Tedworth House, the Personal Recovery and Assessment Centre (PRAC) for wounded, sick and injured servicemen and women. He’s thinking about returning to college, maybe to do a business course. ‘And Tinkerbell and I are hoping to take part in the closing ceremony of the Paralympics,’ he says.

  ‘Wow, Medalman,’ says Alex. ‘I’ll be watching you on the box! Bet your mum is dead proud.’

  ‘How about you, Cass?’ Jenny asks.

  ‘Wow, I don’t know how to beat all that,’ I exclaim. For a mo
ment I think of Charlie, and wish I could tell them all about him. ‘Well, I’m still single too, Alex, but the really good news is I’ve decided to go back to medicine. I’m going back to King’s this autumn.’ I wag a finger at them all. ‘So pretty soon you’ll be calling me doctor.’

  They cheer and laugh and we all agree to make this an annual event for the dogs, and for us.

  Before we leave, Edward pulls me aside. ‘That’s great news about King’s,’ he says, ‘but what about Charlie?’

  48

  I’m mashing up some chicken meat with biscuits, Ticket sitting by the kitchen door, waiting patiently to be fed, when my mobile rings. I don’t recognise the number on the screen. I’m tempted to let it go to voicemail, but then again … ‘Hello?’

  ‘Hi, Cass. It’s Anna.’

  I wish I’d let it go to voicemail.

  ‘How are you?’ she asks.

  ‘Fine,’ I say cautiously.

  ‘I should think I’m the last person you want to speak to right now.’

  When she pauses, I don’t correct her.

  ‘I was wondering if we could meet up?’

  ‘Meet up,’ I repeat, giving myself time to think how to respond. ‘I don’t think so.’

  ‘Please, Cass.’

  ‘I’m not living in London at the moment.’

  ‘I know. Charlie told me.’

  Hearing his name feels strange.

  ‘I can drive to your parents this weekend?’

  ‘Can’t we just talk? On the phone?’

  ‘No. I need to see you. Please give me a chance to explain.’

  *

  Jamie is down for the weekend, and we’re having breakfast together. He still lives in Shepherd’s Bush but now works in a marketing company that sells sports clothes and gym equipment. He has a girlfriend called Harriet. She’s a veterinary nurse. I haven’t met her yet, but I can tell he’s happy, especially when her name is dropped into virtually every sentence. ‘I still want to travel. Harriet likes to travel too. But not at the moment, not when Harriet and I have just got together.’ He smiles, shyly. ‘You know what I mean?’