by J. M. Lamp
“That’s good,” I say.
“I’m so tired,” she says. “He doesn’t cry a whole lot, but when he does cry it’s at night and I don’t get to sleep and then I wake up and have Abbey and it’s just a constant cycle.”
“Well, Elliot is leaving for the weekend. I can come stay if you want. I’ll take care of them while you sleep. That or I can take Abbey for the weekend.”
“That would be great, baby brother.”
I look out the kitchen window and rest my chin on my hand as I watch Lydia’s neighbors across the street play with their kids. I let out a deep breath and zone back in to Lydia who’s standing by the entrance to the kitchen with her arms crossed.
“What’s up?” she asks me.
“Nothing,” I say. “Just ever since you had him, I’ve been thinking a lot about me and Elliot and if we’ll ever have all this.”
“Why wouldn’t you?”
“I don’t know,” I say. “Last time I was close to having it all, it was taken away from me in an instant.”
“You’re overthinking, like usual.”
“I know.”
“Where’s he going anyway?”
“Pittsburgh with his friend for something for her work.”
“And then you guys are leaving the week after, right?”
“Yeah,” I say. “Are you sure it’s OK if I go? If you need me here then I won’t.”
“William,” she says, “I’m fine. I’ve done this before. And my husband has finally grown a set and is gonna step up and do his job so it will all be fine.”
“Okay.”
“You need to perk up,” she says. “You’re going to London in a week to spend the summer with a guy who is madly in love with you. What’s wrong?”
“Just feeling kind of blah today I guess.”
“Are you guys doing anything special before he leaves?”
“Dinner,” I say.
I hear a faint cry a few rooms over and I see Lydia roll her eyes as she turns to the wall and mimics slamming her head into it.
“Let me go get him,” I say, laughing.
I make my way down the hallway into the baby’s room and make my way to the crib. I look over the side of the crib and see the baby’s beautiful blue eyes looking up at me as he slowly squirms back and forth with his hands in front of his face.
A small smile flashes across his face as he makes eye contact with me, and a warmth runs through my body like no other. I hear Lydia walk in the room as the door creaks open slowly, but my eyes don’t move from the baby’s face.
“He really is beautiful,” I say.
“He is,” she says, coming up behind me and rubbing my shoulder.
“Abbey was beautiful when she was born too, but this is different.”
“You didn’t want one of your own when Abbey was born is why.”
I look over to her and nod my head.
“I didn’t realize it until the other night at the hospital,” I say. “We got back in the car and it just hit me that this is what I wanted. I want a family and a house and all the things that make life worth living. I’m finally at a good place emotionally and I have a job I love more than anything and I have Elliot which has changed me in only good ways.”
“Maybe you should look into making it all a reality then, Will.”
“I still can’t believe you named him Evan,” I say, laughing. “It makes him even more beautiful.”
“As soon as I found out I was pregnant,” she says, “I knew I wanted a part of him to stay with me in a way, too. Evan meant a lot to me, too. He treated you the way you deserved to be treated and I loved him for that. Growing up, I never thought you’d let someone in the way you did him. Dad leaving us had a bigger effect on you than it did me and I’m just glad it didn’t ruin your trust in people completely.”
“He wasn’t worth giving up anything for,” I say. “I realized that in college when I met Evan.”
“I like Elliot, too,” she says. “I’m sure he is thinking about the same things you are right now. Probably not as much because of all the other stuff he has going on, but I’m sure spending his life with you is a top priority.”
***
“How’s the baby?” Elliot asks me as we make our way back home from dinner.
“Adorable,” I say. “He smiled at me today. It was cute.”
“And Lydia’s doing good?”
“Yeah. She’s really tired. I told her I’d help her out this weekend while you were gone.”
“Good,” he says.
Silence fills the car as we get closer and closer to Elliot’s apartment. Dinner was fine and we mainly talked about London and this weekend, but there was a hint of tension the whole time and it’s because of me.
“You excited to get to spend some time with Hadley before you go?”
“Yeah,” he says. “I haven’t seen her since our dinner. She’s been busy with work and I’ve been busy trying to get everything figured out before we leave. It’ll be nice to have some fun with her.”
“She has never been there either, has she?”
“No,” he says. “She doesn’t travel much in general. She’s only going this weekend because it involves work, and even this she wasn’t thrilled about.”
We pull up to his apartment and I find a spot to park in a few cars up.
“You OK?” he says, unbuckling his seatbelt.
“No,” I say.
He turns to his side and rests his hand on the back of my neck and says, “What is it?”
“I’ve just been thinking a lot lately about random shit.”
“Like what?”
“Like babies,” I say. “Babies and marriage and a dog and a family.”
“Okay?”
“Ever since Lydia had the baby, everything has just been nonstop in my brain and I don’t know what to do.”
“Why are you freaking out about it?”
“I don’t know,” I say, letting out a deep breath.
“Do you not think I want those things too or—“
“I don’t know that either. I hope you do.”
“I do,” he says, laughing.
“Okay,” I say.
“Jesus,” he says, “is this why you’ve been weird all night? I knew something was up when you kept staring at me without saying anything every time I looked up.”
“I’m sorry,” I say.
“It’s OK,” he says. “Let’s go upstairs and have an actual conversation, yeah?”
We make our way upstairs and I walk directly to the bathroom and take a very long, held-in-all-day piss. I hear the TV turn on as I go to flush and I make my way back out to the living room. Elliot is sitting with his phone in his hand on the side of the couch and he looks up as I make my way to the couch beside him.
“Get it all out?”
“Yeah,” I say, laughing.
I lay my head into his shoulder and he runs his fingers through my hair, waiting for me to say something.
“I don’t want you to think I’m going crazy or something,” I say. “These thoughts aren’t bad ones. I mean, they are just overwhelming me. The thought of marriage again scares me.”
“Why?”
“Because the last time I was close to being married, it was all taken away from me.”
He stops rubbing my head for a second, but continues and says, “What else is scaring you?”
“I wouldn’t even say it’s scaring me,” I say. “I just am overwhelmed with all these thoughts and I didn’t realize how bad I wanted certain things.”
“And you want those with me?”
“Of course,” I say.
“Then why are you stressing out over all this for?”
“Because I’m not sure you want them, too,” I say. “Well, I wasn’t sure.”
“Do I want kids right now?” he says. “No I don’t. Do I want a house right now? Not right this minute. Do I want a dog right now? Yeah, but I can’t get one.”
I don’t say anything an
d focus in on the TV waiting for him to continue.
“But do I want all of those things eventually?” he asks me. “Hell yes I do.”
I laugh and lean off of him. I grab his mouth with my hand and plant my tongue firmly in his mouth. I swing my hips around and plant myself directly in front of him over his lap.
“I love you, Will,” he says. “If you don’t know that by now then I don’t now what to tell you.”
“I know,” I say.
“When London’s done,” he says, “we’ll talk more. Okay?”
“Okay.”
“Can we go in the bedroom so I can have a reason to want to rush back here once the weekend is over?”
“Hell yes we can,” I say, smiling.
Chapter Nineteen
Elliot
“W HERE’S THE HOTEL at again?” I ask Hadley as we make our way out of the airport and into the first taxi we see.
“Close to the university,” she says.
We keep our bags with us as we get in the backseat and Hadley tells the driver the address of the hotel. The airport is a good ways away from the city itself, so I take in everything around us as we make our way there. There’s road construction everywhere I look as we make our way down the interstate and through each individual suburb.
“The city is a lot nicer,” she says, looking over at me.
“I hope,” I say, laughing.
“So,” she says, looking out the window.
“So what?”
“So what’s new with you? I haven’t talked to you about anything for awhile.”
“You shouldn’t have slept on the plaaaaane.”
“I know,” she says, “I’m sorry. I left straight from work last night to your apartment.”
“You couldn’t take one night off, Had?”
“We’ve been busy,” she says. “Plus I’ve been nervous for days about speaking, so it was just better that I keep myself busy.”
“I forgot you don’t like public speaking.”
“Not in situations like this,” she says. “I can handle talking to the people I work with, but talking to a room full of randoms just freaks me out. I’m really not looking forward to tomorrow.”
“You’ll be fine,” I say, rubbing her shoulder.
“I know,” she says. “I’m just so tired. I’m overworking myself and I know it has to stop.”
“Maybe you should take a desk job,” I say.
“Fuck that,” she says.
“Well, what else are you going to do?”
“I don’t know,” she says. “Quit.”
I laugh and look over at her. Her face is serious as she continues looking out the window.
“Wait,” I say, “are you serious?”
“It’s getting bad, El,” she says. “I’m starting to wonder if it’s all worth it. A guy in my unit, a really amazing guy with a wife and daughter, was shot a couple days ago en route to chase down this sick fucker we’ve been trying to catch for months. He’s paralyzed, El. Got shot in the neck.”
“You love what you do, though.”
“I know,” she says. “I just don’t think I love it enough anymore to risk my life. I want other things and I’ll never feel safe having those things as long as I’m doing this.”
“Like what?”
“Like a husband and kids,” she says.
“So doesn’t Will.”
She turns her attention toward me finally and smiles.
“Oh?” she says.
“His sister just had her baby boy and ever since then, he’s just been weird and we finally talked about it last night. He wants kids and marriage and a dog and yeah.”
“And you don’t?”
“I do,” I say. “Honestly, if he proposed to me right now I’d say yes in a heartbeat. I don’t want kids right now. Not with us going to London.”
“Well,” she says, “it’s not like they’d just be delivered to your door once you decide.”
“I know that,” I say, laughing. “He’s just overwhelmed with all these thoughts and I’m not I guess and I wonder why.”
“I mean, you’ve never really wanted those things really bad. You’ve never met someone that gave you reasons to want those things I mean.”
“Yeah,” I say, “and I do want those things with him, I really do. I just didn’t really start thinking about it in a serious way until he brought it up.”
“I wouldn’t worry about it,” she says. “I don’t know why he is either. You love each other and both want those things so don’t rush that shit. Just let it play it self out. Enjoy London first.”
We eventually get to the hotel and as soon as we walk in the door, Hadley walks straight to the bed closest to the window and plops down onto the pillow.
“Just a quick nap,” she says.
I laugh and realize that we’ll be here the rest of the afternoon and night, but that’s OK. I’m tired too and I’d rather just video chat with Will then go out.
I connect my phone to the hotel’s wifi and make my way to the bathroom. I Facetime Will and look at my teeth in the mirror as it rings into him.
“You must not be doing anything exciting if you’re already calling me,” he says.
I laugh and look from the mirror back down to my phone.
“What are you doing?”
“Getting ready to take a shower,” he says.
“Oh?”
“What?”
“Can I watch?”
He smiles at me and positions his phone against the mirror by the sink. The phone gives a perfect view of the shower and I realize that he’s actually going to let me watch him take one.
“I wasn’t serious,” I say, laughing.
He comes back into view and I see that he is now in just his underwear and a plain white t-shirt.
“Where’s Hadley?” he says.
“Sleeping,” I say. “She didn’t sleep last night so she’ll be out for awhile.”
“Good,” he says.
He opens the shower curtain and turns on the water. He feels it and adjusts the temperature of the water until he is satisfied and makes his way back towards me.
“Do you remember when we went to the beach and how I had taken a shower before I came out to the balcony?”
“Yeah,” I say.
“I never told you why I was in there for so long.”
I feel my pants tighten in the crotch and I unzip them as I say, “Were you thinking about me?”
He shoves his hand down his underwear, grabs his cock and says, “Yeah.”
I bite my bottom lip and sit down on the side of the bathtub. He slowly takes his hand out of his underwear and touches his stomach as he takes his shirt off. I imagine myself on my knees in front of him, licking down his stomach, as my tongue makes its way over every ridge of his abs.
He moves back closer to the shower and slowly scoots his underwear down his thighs until they drop to the floor. His cock springs to life once he un-cages it and it swings from side to side quickly before he grabs hold of it with his right hand.
He moves his left hand up and down his stomach as he makes his way to his nipples and pulls at them slowly. He jerks himself back and forth as he opens the shower curtain and steps inside. He leans back against the shower wall as I take off my pants and kick them to the side of the bathroom.
“How was your flight?” he says as he squirts some body wash into his loofa.
“What?” I say.
“Your flight,” he says. “I know you hate flying.”
“Please continue touching yourself and we can discuss this after.”
He laughs and moves the loofa up and down his stomach until he circles it around to his ass. He runs it between his cheeks and my thoughts instantly imagine my cock between his cheeks as he moans and takes me deeper and deeper.
I look down and realize that I’ve been jerking off since I took off my pants and haven’t realized it. I look back to my phone and see Will hanging up the loofa and massaging his bod
y with his hands now.
He moans as he jerks himself back and forth and I close my eyes as I imagine myself there, in the shower with him, and softly moan myself. I open my eyes back up and see him coming out of the shower. He gets to the edge of the sink and pulls his cock back as he lets out a loud moan and comes all over his stomach. He takes his finger and moves it over his tip and then plants the hand back on his stomach as he rubs everything in.
I get off the side of the bathtub and get to the mirror just as I shoot and just miss the faucet and handles of the sink. I hear Will laughing as I turn and look back towards my phone and see him making his way back into the shower.
“I miss you,” he says.
“I miss you more.”
I grab my phone and put it back by the mirror as I wet a washcloth and clean up my mess.
“What time is your guys’ thing tomorrow?”
“Early,” I say. “I’m not going, though. She’s nervous about it and she’s leaving as soon as she speaks.”
“Why is she nervous?”
“She’s hated public speaking since college.”
“It can be exhausting,” he says.
“She also told me she is thinking about quitting law enforcement. Doesn’t want to risk her life anymore. That and she wants a family she thinks.”
“She needs a boyfriend first,” he says, laughing.
“I know,” I say. “She was serious, though, so I’d say she’s looking.”
“Well,” he says, “good for her. She deserves to be happy. We all do.”
“I feel like everybody is going through all these changes just as we are leaving for London.”
“Like what?”
“Hadley wanting a family. Ethan actually dating instead of just fucking random guys.”
“Me wanting a family, too,” he says.
“Yeah,” I say.
“I mean, at least it’s good changes and not bad ones. We could all be turning to drugs or something.”
“That we could,” I say. “I’m gonna get off here. I’m starving so I’m going to try and find something within walking distance.”
“Well,” he says, “at least you’re in the city I guess. Plenty of options.”
“I love you.”
“Love you, El.”
***