“I thought you were beautiful. Your eyes are like caramel wrapped in chocolate.” He smiled, playing with wisps of my hair. “And your hair is a shade of blond I’ve never seen. It’s a sexy combination.”
I gently eased him out of me and rolled onto my back, cradling his ass in my hands.
“I’m a ‘Star Wars’ fan, too; what are the odds?”
Maverick chuckled, nuzzling his nose against mine.
“That is definitely a plus. You remind me of Roo.”
“Who?”
“Roo, you know? The kangaroo in ‘Winnie the Pooh’?”
I cocked an eyebrow at him. “Why?”
“You’re very enthusiastic,” he laughed. “I bet you get into your share of trouble, too, seeing as you can’t control what comes out of your mouth.”
“I can control what goes in it, though.” I narrowed my eyes at him.
“Nope, too late. You are Roo.”
“You’re not like normal football players, are you?”
“Define normal.”
“You know the kind: Me make meat on grill! Fuck women! Drink beer!”
Maverick laughed at my impression of a caveman. I thought it was pretty good.
“Funny, you are.”
It was my turn to laugh at Maverick’s Yoda impression.
“Will you talk like that all the time? I love the backwards Yoda talk.”
Maverick leaned in, kissing me softly. “For you, anything.”
~*~
Happy memory interrupted, I sighed in frustration as yet one more sad face said how sorry they were for my loss. What good does that do? I get it, really I do. But it’s not their fault Maverick was driving home late from his shift, and none of them were drunk behind the wheel. He was gone before I even made it to the hospital. I didn’t even get to say goodbye.
The sad part was I knew something was wrong. I felt it. My watch had stopped at ten fifty eight. The exact time Maverick took his last breath at the accident scene. In that moment, I lost everything. I’d never love anyone again, not like I loved Mav.
Once the house cleared, I said goodbye to my mom and Mav’s and headed upstairs to my room. Mav’s father had taken my dad out somewhere. My father was never good with the touchy-feely stuff. He patted my back, gave me a quick hug and tried to smile. I sank onto the bed and grabbed Mav’s pillow, inhaling deeply. I didn’t want to let him go, I couldn’t let him go. We were fated to be roommates, fall in love, and get married. Both of us wanted that.
Now I lay on an empty bed that I may never change the sheets on thinking about the one man I’d spent years with. I didn’t know what to do, where to go and most of all, how to live without Mav by my side.
~*MAVERICK*~
I always knew I belonged with Ronin Eastland. Somehow, I just knew. The day he walked into my dorm room was the day I lost my heart to him. We were inseparable from the beginning. I came out because of him, to my parents, the team…everyone. He never pushed me to do it, never threatened to leave, he just…waited.
We had finally gotten our own place to live and I watched him unpacking boxes; his tight ass bent over made my dick hard. I was at Tucson General and he was at the high school nearby working as an English teacher. Our college days behind us, we were quite the domestic couple.
It had been an exercise in hilarity watching us both try to deal with the others’ bad habits. Ronin and his caramel latte with a shot of whipped cream, me and my obsessive need to have the toothpaste pushed from the end, not the middle. I picked up his clothes, and he put them back on the floor. We had our fights, just as all couples do, but at the end of the day I knew there’d never be anyone else for me.
“Roo,” I cooed. I knew he hated the nickname and I only used it in bed. Except for right now. I smiled as the love of my life turned to face me with his hands firmly planted on his hips.
“In bed, Mav, not out of it.”
I smiled and beckoned him over with my finger. His anger dissipated and he slumped his shoulders and walked over to me. I enveloped him in my arms and took in his scent. He smelled like fresh soap. I loved the smell of Ronin.
“Babe, take a break so we can get freaky.”
“I haven’t found the box with your special undies.”
I laughed at the innocent look Ronin gave me. He was the devil himself in bed, pounding me until my knuckles turned white and I thought I’d break in half. We also had those nights where Ronin would make love to me, hold me and kiss me like we had all the time in the world. I had the best of both worlds, a naughty demon in bed and an angel who loved me like no other.
“I can go commando this time,” I waggled my eyebrows and Ronin grinned at me.
“Let me just find the lube and I’ll meet you in the bedroom.”
“Oh, did you—”
“I got your chamomile and honey out first thing, babe,” Ronin said, looking over his shoulder with a look that would surely make the devil blush.
I watched that tight ass walking away from me until it disappeared into thin air. What the fuck? I looked around the house and it was gone.
I was in a white room. I closed my eyes again.
When I opened them again, a blond-haired twink was looking at me. What the hell? Where the fuck was I? I sat up a bit, looking around and taking in my surroundings. White walls, sheets and curtains were everywhere. Someone needed decorating tips. DIY came to mind. The blond twinkie’s brows furrowed and I sat up a bit more, craning my neck to see if there was more white beyond where I was.
“Stop calling me that,” Twinkie said.
“What?” I asked a bit perplexed at how Twinkie knew what I was calling him.
“That - Twinkie, twink, I’m neither.”
I looked right at Twink - the guy - and looked him over. Blond curls cascaded and golden eyes looked me over. A white robe covered up most of him, but he was beautiful.
“Thanks.”
I started and my eyes widened as he smiled at me.
“What’s your name?” I asked.
“Gabriel. And you are Maverick Holliday.”
“Am I…?” God, I didn’t know how to ask the question.
“Dead?” Gabriel asked. “Yep, stone cold.”
My stomach churned and I felt the urge to puke rising. Oh God - Ronin…
“He’s not doing well,” Gabriel said. “He’s taking your death very hard.”
I swallowed hard and took a deep breath. “How long have I been dead?”
Gabriel looked at his nails and chewed the end of one. “A year.”
“A year?”
“Yep, he’s not getting any better. In fact, I’d say he’s contemplating joining you up here, and we can’t have that. You weren’t supposed to die, Dr. Holliday. You weren’t even supposed to be at work that night. Someone fell asleep on your watch and now we have to fix this situation.”
“What do you mean, fix it? I’ve been dead for a year!”
“You’ll be sent back down and placed in another man’s body.” Gabriel snapped his fingers and a notepad appeared in his hands. “Okay, so, let’s stick with the doctor theme, because you know medicine,” Gabriel clucked his tongue and looked over the note pad.
I don’t know why, but I just sat there. I couldn’t find anything to say. Was I really dead? Was I dreaming? Had I drank Ronin’s caramel latte? Sugar always did fuck me up.
“Nope, you’re not dreaming.” Gabriel flipped the page of his notebook. “Let’s try to keep your name almost the same, makes it easier.”
“Wait a minute.” I threw my legs over the side of the bed and stood up. The room tipped sideways and I hung on to the bed as a wave of nausea hit me.
“Calm down there, sport,” Gabriel said. “Don’t get your thong in a twist.”
I looked up quickly at that statement. The little shit had a gleam in his eye.
“Yes, I know Ronin made you wear thongs during your…” Gabriel tapped at his chin. “Fun time? I’d watch your language, too.” Gabriel pointed up
with his pen. “He hears all.”
“I just got here,” I said. “How can it have already been a year?”
“Time moves differently up here, besides, I didn’t want to interrupt your trip down memory lane,” Gabriel said, a blush dusting his cheeks.
I avoided his gaze as if he were Medusa and asked the one question I probably shouldn’t have.
“Will I be me? I mean, will I remember what Ronin and I had?” I looked up.
Gabriel shifted uncomfortably and avoided my gaze.
“Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me! You guys screw up and I’m supposed to find the love of my life without knowing him?” I almost shouted.
Gabriel pointed at me. “You did it the first time.”
“Fine. How does this work?” I sat down on the edge of the bed and folded my arms across my chest.
“I’ll send you back down. You will be placed into another man’s body as his soul is leaving. I’ll put you as close as I can to Ronin but the rest is up to you.”
I sighed in frustration and pushed my hair back from my forehead. “Okay, what’s my name?”
Gabriel grinned.
“Oh come on, don’t keep me in suspense.”
“You are Maverick Cruise.”
I snorted. “Seriously?”
“Hey!” Gabriel stood up. “I got as close as I could! You’re lucky this woman had a thing for ‘Top Gun’!”
I rubbed my face with my hands. “So then what? I find him and fall in love with him all over again. Will I ever remember who I was?” I looked up to see Gabriel avoiding my gaze yet again. “Please tell me somehow I get to remember.”
“I’ve never seen it happen,” he whispered.
“Well it will with me and Ronin!” I shouted. “I’ve loved him from the moment I set eyes on him!”
“Good,” Gabriel looked me square in the eye. “You’ve got fire. Now get back down there and get your man!”
“Fine!” I shouted and stalked past him out the door. I hit a hallway and looked in both directions. White as far as the eye could see. Music floated around me and I sighed loudly.
“Which way do I go?”
“Good luck.”
I turned around to see Gabriel floating in midair. “Are you…?”
“Goodbye, Maverick.”
~*RONIN*~
I knew I looked like death warmed over. I didn’t much care either. I forced myself up every morning, came to work and plastered a smile on my face for the kids. They weren’t dumb, however. Most of my students were in their teens, some of them even gay. I’d gotten little bags of snacks from them over the last year. Small subtle hints that I needed to eat. I had no appetite; I had no will to go on. My life was one day to the next, barely scraping by and trying to hold on until death came to take my emaciated body. Oh, and did I mention Christmas was right around the corner? If one more person said ‘happy holidays’ I was going to shove a Christmas tree up their ass. Decorated.
I missed Maverick. The house was too quiet but I couldn’t sell it. I couldn’t bear to sleep without Maverick’s pillow. His scent still lingered on the fabric. Pictures of the two of us still graced the walls. I couldn’t take them down. Everywhere I looked I was reminded of the loss of the one man I’d never get over. The papers on my desk were becoming blurry and I’d forgotten what I was doing. Tests, that’s right. I was grading tests. The classroom was eerily quiet and I looked up to see all the kids staring at me.
“What?” I asked, looking around the room.
“Um, your nose is bleeding, Mr. Eastland,” one of them said.
“It is?” I wiped at my nose and pulled my hand away. A red streak ran across the top of my hand. Just looking at the red smear made my stomach turn and I felt queasy. The room spun and I stood up. One of the kids was running over to me and then the room went black.
When I opened my eyes again, I was in a bed with an IV drip. A slow beep indicated I was hooked up to a heart monitor. I tried to focus on something in the room and couldn’t. A short cough alerted me to someone else in the room. I narrowed my eyes and blinked a few times.
A man stood a few feet from the bed. A white coat and a stethoscope stood out first, and then his face came into view. I blinked rapidly a few times and tried to focus. The face slowly became clearer and I saw pale grey eyes smiling at me. I squinted, hoping it would help.
Oh God, was I dead finally? I swear I was looking at Maverick. Did they have doctors in heaven? Wasn’t that redundant?
“Maverick?” I whispered.
“Do we know each other, Mr. Eastland?”
I sat up a bit at that. The voice was so familiar. I tried to focus again and felt another wave of nausea hit.
“Hey, take it easy. You’re in the hospital,” he said.
“Why?” I asked, like an idiot. I knew why. I’d starved myself to the point of passing out. I weighed twenty pounds less than I had when Mav was alive.
The doctor pulled up a chair and leaned forward. I still couldn’t get a focused look at him, but he looked so much like Mav. I wanted to reach out and touch him just to make sure.
“You’re severely dehydrated Mr. Eastland—”
“It’s Ronin; please, call me Ronin.”
“All right, Ronin.”
My heart beat faster as my name left his lips. I swear he sounded just like Mav. Maybe I was dead? Maybe I’m dreaming. If I am I want it to last forever. I tried to sit up again and a warm hand covered mine. A tingle flew up my spine and I opened my eyes wide, trying to see the man next to me. Black hair and grey eyes looked at me with worry.
“Mav?” I whispered, leaning over to get a closer look.
“How do you know my name?”
“Your name is Maverick?” I sat back on the bed, willing myself not to scream.
“Yes, Maverick Cruise.”
I snorted. Don’t ask me why, it was just too convenient for me. He laughed and the sound reverberated around my tiny room.
“I know, I know, the whole ‘Top Gun’ thing. I guess my mom had a thing for Tom Cruise.”
“Why is my eyesight blurry?”
“You need fluids, and a hell of a lot of bed rest, Ronin. You’ve starved yourself.”
“When can I go home?” I have no idea why I asked that question. I didn’t want to go home. I knew I’d crawl into bed and lay there until an angel or the devil came to get me.
“Not for a while. I want to make sure you put some weight on.”
The doctor pulled a notepad out of his pocket and tilted his head at me.
“What kind of food do you like?” he asked.
I sat back in astonishment. “I can have regular food?”
He nodded and a slow lopsided grin spread across his face. “Not a feast, but yeah. Regular food.”
I almost cried.
“Burgers.”
Maverick – Dr. Cruise - scribbled on his notepad. “Any specific kind?”
“Just a plain cheeseburger will do. Extra pickles.” Yeah, I threw that in. Dr. Cruise’s nose twitched in disgust. I cocked my head, looking at him. “You don’t like pickles?”
“No, but I swear every time I order a burger they put extra on them.”
“Hmm.”
“What?”
“Nothing.” I wasn’t going to push it. I don’t think I could have taken it if I asked about his method of disposing them and he answered it the way I wanted, or didn’t. The doctor stood up and stepped away from my bed.
“Well, I’ll get right on this Ronin. You’ve got quite a few people out in the hall waiting to see you. Try to get some rest, all right?”
“Will…will I see you again?” My voice sounded garbled; I realized I’d started crying again. Dr. Cruise came back to my bedside and sat on the edge.
“I’ve heard about your loss. I know there’s nothing I could possibly say to make it better, but I am here to lend you an ear.”
“Thank you,” I whispered. “You have no idea how many ‘sorrys’ I’ve heard in the last ye
ar.”
“I’m your doctor, so if you need anything, just let me know, okay?”
I nodded and he smiled, squeezing my hand. It was the best feeling I’d had in a long time. I leaned back and closed my eyes.
My mom came to see me again the following day. I’d had just about enough visitors in the last twenty-four hours to last me a lifetime. My kids from class even came to visit. My mom sat in the chair next to the bed and tried to smile at me. God knows I scared her to death. I knew I was hurting her by not taking care of myself, I just didn’t know how to make myself hungry, to stop feeling the pain of losing Mav. My father stood by the door to the room and looked around nervously.
“I’m not going to explode, Dad.” I pushed the mashed potatoes around on my plate. There was something that looked like Salisbury steak on the plate along with the ugliest green beans I’d ever seen. The sauce - if that’s what you’d call it - congealed on the piece of meat. I was waiting for the steak to get up and walk away, maybe even eye me as it slithered off, appalled at my refusal to eat its awesomeness.
“I’m not sure about that, Ronin.” my dad said, raising a brow.
“Ronin, darling,” my mom started.
“Which one, Mom?” I asked with what I could only imagine looked like a grimace. I was going for a smile. My dad was Ronin Senior, which made me Junior. My father and I had fun with that one when I was younger.
“Jules,” my father held his hand up. “I’m done keeping quiet.”
“Really,Dad? But you’ve been so good at it all this time,” I snorted.
“I realize I haven’t been the best at accepting your sexuality, but I’ve never loved you less for it. I loved Maverick, too. He was like my own son.”
My head shot up at that. I’ve never heard my dad say anything like that about Maverick. I opened my mouth and my father raised his hand again.
“Let me get this out. Was I happy when you told us you were gay? Not really, but I got over it. You’re still my son and it’s killing me to watch you waste away. Maverick was a good man, and he would not want you slowly killing yourself. Dammit, Ronin! You are a strong man!”
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