Carryn shook her head. “I’ll hold on to Dain’s for him.”
Drake hesitated then. “I mentioned this idea to Xavier, and while he doesn’t agree with me, I want you to consider it.”
Carryn listened while Drake explained what he had in mind, and she was inclined to agree with Xavier. Sending Dynan to an outer planet was not only dangerous, because of the vast distance he’d have to travel, it was strictly forbidden by the non-interference laws that ruled the Brittallia Systems. Drake’s point that the Systems hadn’t been paying much attention to those laws of late didn’t convince her. Alexia and Creal would certainly view such an act as illegal. Should they decide to assist him, they would have something against Dynan that they could use to gain a better agreement for themselves. Dynan couldn’t take the chance right now, with their assistance so uncertain.
“Not now, Drake. I don’t think it’s necessary. If it ever becomes necessary I’d still have to think a long time on it before I’d take such drastic action.”
“Just don’t preclude the possibility. Knowing how illegal it is, I doubt anyone would think to look for him on an outer planet, not even Maralt. He would know that taking such a course of action would jeopardize Dynan’s chance to re-take the Throne.”
“And it would if it ever became known.”
“Which is why no one would expect him to do it. Dynan needs a safe place, far more than he needs a remodeled Star Cruiser. Think about it.”
“I will.”
Carryn walked him out to the landing bay where his transport stood waiting. When she returned to the Royal Quarters, Dynan wasn’t in his rooms, and it took Carryn some time to find him.
When she finally did, relieved because she was starting to worry, he was huddled by the window wall, mostly hidden by a leg of the huge curtains. His head rested against the composite acrylon that kept the void of space safely outside the ship, and it took Carryn a moment to realize he was asleep. She sat down next to him, and waited.
~*~
Chapter 28
Dynan stood at the window wall looking down as Trea spun below. Carryn waited for him. She was about to perpetrate a necessary lie, believing that if Dynan discovered that his brother’s body remained lost, he would sink back into a depression he wouldn’t recover from. What he faced was already hard enough.
They’d all agreed to it, some more reluctantly than others. Geneal feared what would happen should Dynan ever discover the deception. Carryn already knew what she would say in such an event, hoping that time would be given to her before that circumstance ever arose. She didn’t think Dynan would survive without some sort of closure to Dain’s death.
That he had asked at all was a tremendous step forward for him. Carryn silently thanked the Gods that she’d been prepared when the question was posed, and now she waited to take him to Dain’s grave.
Dynan turned from the window wall, moving to the Arbor door with visible reluctance. He never looked up anymore, his eyes constantly on the floor. It seemed the more time that passed, the more withdrawn he became, and Carryn didn’t know what to do to stop it. On most days, he sat in his rooms, staring out through a view screen provided to make his quarters seem less confining. On too many occasions, Carryn felt him concentrating, calling for his brother.
He stood at the Arbor door, staring at cold, grey metal. Carryn moved to join him. Dynan nodded finally and they went in. The air seemed purer than the last time, fragrant with the scent of plants. Dynan didn’t seem to notice. Since Drake’s unannounced visit, he hadn’t been in the Arbor.
Along the back wall, a line of flowering bushes had been planted, separating the area from the rest of the garden. The small space was awash in light. Carryn led the way down the stone path to a break in the hedge. Behind it, a marble slab lay embedded in the ground, inscribed with Dain’s name. They didn’t know the exact date he had died, Dynan hadn’t yet been able to tell them, and so only listed his age. That number seemed such an injustice, just twenty-two. Too young.
Beneath the headstone, a crypt had been buried. Carryn pushed that thought from her mind, glancing at Dynan as he stared down at his brother’s grave.
His face didn’t change. There wasn’t any reaction at all. The next moment, he turned from it and walked away.
***
He met Geneal coming in as he was leaving, and she stopped abruptly, quickly lowering her eyes. No one could look at him anymore. She didn’t know what to say either, having not expected him in the Arbor. She held in her hands a bouquet of blue roses and silver tips, and Dynan knew where she meant to put them.
“Do you think he would like it?” she asked finally.
He wanted to say no because he hated it, but he knew that Geneal had put a lot of effort into making the grave as nice as possible. And Dain would have liked it. When they’d taken their father to the tombs, Dynan remembered his brother asking to be buried somewhere else, anywhere else but in the dark catacombs that housed their royal ancestors. He would have appreciated being laid to rest onboard a spaceship just for the novelty of it.
Dynan could only nod, leaving off the explanation. Geneal turned from him abruptly, but he saw the sudden tears she meant to hide. He backed out the door, but heard her crying before it closed again.
He turned for his rooms, then changed his mind. He was tired of being confined inside them, not really comfortable with the lavish setting. He wasn’t used to that sort of finery anymore. He wandered from floor to floor, not paying attention to where he was, and ended up going through a door that led him into the ship proper. The door closed behind him, and when he turned to go back, he was prompted to enter an access code that he didn’t have.
He leaned against the sealed door, and weariness suddenly swept through him. He used the wall to steady himself, waiting for the darkness to lift. When it did, he thought to find someplace more familiar. He found the Medic Center and from there, made his way to the landing bay where the XR-30 stood.
There were men working at their stations and they all stopped to look at him. Suddenly Dynan felt like running, shrinking away from the stares that greeted him. He realized then that everyone had only come to attention.
The ramp of the ship stood open and he moved to it without acknowledging the salutes directed at him. A ringing whine rose, and he made it onboard before he had to sit down. When he opened his eyes again, he was huddled on the floor, just inside the ramp, and he heard voices overhead.
“Did you see this?” Trevan asked. “I can’t believe him sometimes. He did this in flight.”
“Must not have had a choice,” Lycon said. “It’s amazing they didn’t blow up.”
“He was always lucky with things like that.”
“He was.”
Dynan heard the change in their voices and didn’t stay to listen to more. He meant to go to his room, but found Dain’s door open when he hadn’t expected it to be. There were crates and empty storage containers set on the floor and bed. A chill raced through him as he realized they were putting Dain’s things away. Anger followed that they would think they had any right to do this and he went in to confirm it. The containers were filled with clothes, and someone had started going through the desk.
Dynan went to Dain’s dresser, yanked open the drawers, and started putting it all back where it belonged. With each container emptied, he tossed it out the door. By the time he finished, his breath was stuttering through his teeth and he felt something starting that if he let it, wouldn’t ever stop.
The chair at the desk caught him when he stumbled. He sat for a long time, waiting, hands pressed to his head, trying not to think at all.
The crate next to him held his brother’s papers and a few odds taken from the desk. Slowly this time, Dynan started putting things back, trying to remember how it had all been arranged. That process grew difficult the more he focused on what he held in his hand.
This was all he had left. Pieces of paper, notes Dain had written, the things he had owned and used. The
re was a crystal paperweight that Dynan had given to him years ago on their birthday, and from another birthday, a set of writing pens. Then he found Dain’s journal.
Dain was always writing, and he liked to do it in long hand instead of using the comterm or comboards. He probably had fifty of these books around. Most of them would be back on Cobalt. A piece of folded paper slipped out when Dynan picked the journal up and he froze, staring at it. His name was written on it and Dain had used his seal.
“I better be dead if you’re reading this, otherwise, I want to know what you’re doing going through my things.”
He could hear his voice so clearly, Dynan almost expected him to come through the door, demanding to know what he was doing. Then he didn’t want to read anymore.
“We’ve been running for so long, you know, I can’t seem to remember our lives being any different. All along, I wondered if I’d make it, more as the years have gone by and we haven’t gotten home. Lately, with Maralt out here, I’ve begun to doubt it.
“I know that you’ll be all right without me, Dynan. Does that make you feel better? It won’t be easy at first, but you have to believe that someday, it’ll be all right. When Father died, I kept thinking how much I wished it weren’t true, until I realized what a huge waste of time it was to want something that couldn’t be changed. I don’t want you to waste your time grieving for me. You have to move on, and keep moving. You can’t let them win.
“Are you crying yet? That’s all you’re allowed; one bout of hysterics and that’s enough. Will you live for me, Dynan? You might as well, you know, because you don’t have a choice. You never have, so now isn’t going to be any different.
“I’m sorry. I’d do anything to keep you from having to go through this. You’ll manage all right. You always do. I know I couldn’t, so I’m glad it’s me instead of you. I couldn’t take it. You are stronger than you know. Stronger than just about everyone is willing to give you credit for. They’ll all be in pretty bad shape too. Ralion and Sheed will blame themselves. So will Carryn and they shouldn’t. You have to help Geneal. She’s just a girl, you know, and they don’t handle these things the same way. You were right about her. She’s the best thing that ever happened to me, and I want her to know that.
“I want you to keep this with you, so you’ll have it when you think you can’t stand it anymore. I won’t say goodbye. I’m a part of you that death can’t take away. I’ll always be with you, Dynan. Always. I love you, my brother.”
***
Ralion stopped in the corridor, frowning down at the crates that were tossed out the door of Dain’s room. Sheed bumped into him because he wasn’t paying attention, then he too frowned at the boxes. He was about to say something about them, when they heard him. Neither of them knew what to do.
Trevan and Lycon startled them when they appeared from the engine hatch overhead. “Is that—”
Ralion nodded and stopped Trevan from going on with a raised hand.
“Maybe we should call Carryn,” Sheed said quietly, then moved into Dynan’s room to do that.
“I wonder how long he’s been in there,” Trevan said in a whisper. “We’ve been up working on the engines all this time and talking about Dain. I mean, what if he heard us and this is—”
Ralion shook his head. “There’s no telling what caused this. We were packing up the room, and I don’t think he likes that idea. It could be anything. Carryn will come down and take care of him.”
Sheed came out of Dynan’s room, shaking his head. “No she won’t. When I told her he was crying, she thanked the Gods for it, and said to leave him alone.”
The four of them stopped at that, uncomfortable with the idea, but Trevan nodded. “I guess that’s what we should do then.”
Lycon mumbled under his breath and left the ship. Trevan hesitated a moment longer, then followed. Sheed looked at Ralion and Ralion shook his head, thinking that Carryn was wrong. They were Dynan’s guards. Leaving him alone wasn’t in their nature. He went to the door.
Dynan was huddled on the floor beside the desk, curled up in a ball, shaking while he wept, one hand over his head while the other held a sheet of parchment. Ralion recognized Dain’s handwriting. A chill shook him, thinking he didn’t want to read what it said. He glanced at Sheed and saw that he was on the verge of tears himself just listening to Dynan.
“Go sit down,” Ralion said, then moved to Dynan’s side. He stopped breathing when he realized he wasn’t alone, but Ralion bent over him. “Come over here. Come on, Dynan.”
He picked him up easily enough and helped him to the couch beside Sheed, then sat down with them. He curled right back up, and looked like he wanted to get away at the same time, but Ralion put an arm around him and held on.
“I can’t...I can’t,” he said, making just enough sense to be understood before he was stopped by choked sobs.
Ralion nodded. “I know. Some days I don’t think I can live with it either. We all feel just about the same.” Ralion gently took the paper from him. He still didn’t want to read the letter, but knew he had to. “So what does Dain have to say about all this?”
It took a long time to get through it, and Ralion didn’t find it at all surprising that Dain had known. His instincts had rarely ever been wrong. Ralion felt like crumpling that truth in his fists, but handed the letter to Sheed instead. “Why didn’t he say something to us?” he asked, knowing there wasn’t an answer. “He knew before we left the Base for Cobalt. I saw him write this.”
The night before they’d left, Ralion had been doing the rounds, shutting down the house lights, the usual security regime, and gone by Dain’s room. The door was open a hand span and he looked in. Dain was at his desk, writing. He’d also been dressed, and it wasn’t until then that Ralion remembered that Dain hadn’t been writing in his journal. Now, he understood.
“Why didn’t he say anything?” he asked again after he’d finished telling them. “He knew.”
Sheed didn’t answer him, trying hard not to break down again. He didn’t make it through the letter. Dynan was rocking himself back and forth, shaking his head. He had that look, the one that said plainly enough that he wasn’t there, but back in the clearing.
“No, Dynan,” Ralion said softly. “Don’t go back there. We’ve all been back there enough. He’s right, as usual. And here he is, still telling us what to do about it. If he were standing here, he’d have that self-satisfied smirk on his face too. We can’t let them win. We have to keep moving. One day, the men responsible for this will die for it. It’s time we stopped running and went after them.”
Ralion stood, leaning to pick him up. “Come on, let’s get you into bed. Best thing for you. Like a bad hangover, the only cure is sleep. I’m sorry about moving his things. We were only thinking to put it all away so it would be safe. We’ll put it back.”
He set him down on the bed, kneeling to take off his boots. Dynan bent over his knees, and kept his head covered. He whispered something, and then Ralion realized he was talking.
“...I never should have let him leave the ship.”
That was all that came out, filled with overwhelming guilt, placing the blame on himself when Ralion felt just as responsible. “He never would have listened to you, or anyone else. Maybe he thought he could catch Maralt. Finally got himself into something he couldn’t get out of. Pushed his usual luck beyond the limit. Sheed and I never should have left you. We all did things we shouldn’t have. All of us, including Dain. You’re not alone.”
Dynan shook his head, but Ralion wasn’t sure at what, other than the relentless fact of Dain’s death. It didn’t matter how it had happened, just that it had. They couldn’t change it, and that was the hardest reality to bear.
Sheed got himself together enough to come help, bringing a damp cloth for Dynan, which he accepted. He was still shaking, crying one moment and not the next. They finally got him to lie down, made him comfortable with a big, thick blanket, then turned to the business of unpacking the
crates.
Ralion kept up a steady stream of commentary on the things he found and Dynan listened, watching through half-closed eyes. Occasionally he corrected them when something was set back in the wrong place and that got him to talk about where some of it had come from. Mostly, Ralion knew already, but didn’t say so. Dynan still spoke in a barely audible whisper, but it was the most either of them had heard him say since they’d gotten him back.
A drawing caught Ralion’s eye that he hadn’t noticed going into the container. When he pulled it out for a closer look, he laughed at a rather graphic depiction of a man and woman. The drawing wasn’t half-bad, just explicit. He held it down for Dynan to look at, smiling when his eyes widened. “He must have done this one when we were on Orgrel.”
Sheed’s reaction mirrored Dynan’s and he took the drawing. “Even looks like Geneal. This isn’t bad.”
“Looks like him too.” Ralion took the picture, admiring it again before setting it in the desk drawer.
“She was crying today.”
Ralion looked at Dynan. “Geneal?”
“We were in the Arbor. She asked me about...about whether Dain would...if he would like...” He stopped because he didn’t want to say it.
Ralion glanced at Sheed in time to see him shake his head and turn back to the crate he was unpacking. That was a thing they couldn’t risk him finding out about. Dynan didn’t seem to notice their sudden apprehension. “She goes there a lot.”
“I told her that he would have, and she started crying. I didn’t mean to make her cry.”
“You didn’t. Your brother is right again. She’s just a girl.”
Sheed nodded. “She’s been trying not to fall apart around you. She didn’t want to burden you, but we all told her that it would happen, and it did. Won’t likely be the last time.”
“Why?”
“Because,” Carryn answered from the door, “she sees what this has done to you. And she sees Dain when she looks at you. So do I sometimes.” She looked around the room at what they were doing. “I take it that you don’t want his things moved then.”
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