"Please don't talk this way," Joanna said, her voice quavering. She knew Stefan could love deeply and passionately, that he could make her life whole. But she didn't want to know these things. She didn't want to love him... or lose him.
He curved his finger under her chin and lifted her face, forcing her to look at him. "Just give me a chance to teach you about the cats."
"Teach me what? What is there to teach? They're wild animals that you coerce into doing tricks for you. But no matter how much you work with them, and get them to sit in a row, or crouch at your feet, or roll over on command, they are never really tame. And they are always potentially deadly. What happened in Vicksburg is a good example."
"And I got them under control and performing for me," he said. "But what happened that night rarely happens."
"But it did happen," Joanna stated, "and you were expecting it."
"And I broke it up," he countered. "In spite of what you saw, the cats are predictable. They quit the fight and took their seats."
"But they could have all turned on you instead!"
"I was ready for that with ammonia water. I also had pedestals and a whip. The cats are intimidated by them all. And, if necessary, Tony would have fired shots." He bent and kissed her gently on the lips. "Sweetheart, believe me, you won't see it happen again. I want to be with you tonight. I want to hold you in my arms and love you and take all that pent up anxiety and worry from you. And I want you to fall asleep with your head on my shoulder, and my arms around you, and your hand over my heart."
Joanna saw the longing in his eyes. She placed her hands on his chest and felt the beat of his heart against her palm. "It's what I want too, Stefan. I need you so badly—" He stifled her words with a kiss, his lips hungrily possessing hers. When she could finally catch her breath, she pressed her hands against his chest and broke the kiss. "You didn't let me finish what I was trying to say. I need you badly, but I can't let you love me, not in the physical way. You are clearly capable of fathering a child, and I will not raise a child while moving from show to show. But more important, I will not raise a fatherless child, and with you, the threat would be there every day of my life, and our child's."
"Honey, if you were to have a child from our union, I would quit the show, sell the cats, and find work somewhere. You would not raise a fatherless child."
"I couldn't let you do that. If you sold your cats and took an ordinary job in order to provide for me and our child, you would soon resent me. And I'd know that every day you went to that ordinary job, you'd be trapped into doing something you hated. If you ever give up your cats, it will have to be because you want to, not because you're trapped into doing it."
"Then let my hold you flesh to flesh. We can pleasure each other in ways that would not create a child." Stefan moved to sit on the bed and pulled Joanna down beside him. "I know you think that everything is happening too fast, but I also know it's right. I feel like we've known each other before... loved each other before." He smiled at the dubious look in her eyes, and added, "Gypsies are hopeless romantics."
Joanna slid her hands up Stefan's chest. "The strange thing is, I understand what you're saying. I feel it too." She ran her palm over the scars on his shoulder. "You have a beautiful body," she said, moving her hand down to trail a finger along the scar crossing his ribs, "but you're so cruel to it."
"Those are old scars," he said, "I'm much more cat-wise now."
She lightly stroked the scar low on his belly. "When Rafat did this to you," she said, moving her finger back and forth over the scar, "it must have been very painful. From what I saw it looked like you had many stitches."
He smiled. "It wasn't one of my better days.
"Did you wonder if you would be able father a child?"
"That was never an issue," he said. "In fact, my ability to father a child created problems when the doctor was trying to stitch me up. Though I don't know why. The nurse assisting the doctor had a face that could stop a clock. But fathering a child was also not an issue at the time because my wife had already left me."
Joanna nudged his drawers down, and with her finger, traced the path of the scar, stopping where it ended. "This may come as a surprise to you," she said, "but I would rather have you stripped of your masculinity, knowing you would never enter the cage with your cats again, than intact, with the threat of your going into the cage always there." She rested her hand on his belly. "Can you possibly understand that?"
"No." He took her palm and kissed it. "And I would rather be dead, than be a half a man." He unfastened the ties on her night cap. "But I'm not half a man, and right now the scar tissue down there is being stretched to the limit." He slipped the cap from her head, allowing her hair to tumble about her shoulders. Tangling his fingers into her silky tresses, he pulled her head back, lifting her mouth to meet his. As their lips came together, he released the silk ribbons on her gown and pushed it from her shoulders.
"You have no idea how I've waited for this moment," he said planting kisses where the gown parted. He slipped the gown over her head. When she was naked and laying on the bed, he brushed her hair aside so he could see her breasts. "Did you know that the gypsy woman bares her breasts for all to see, but only her husband can touch them. The Rom don't believe it's shameful for a woman to show herself in this way."
Joanna saw appreciation in Stefan's eyes. "What do you believe? Would you mind if your wife went around... like this?"
"As my wife, I'd be proud for every man to see how beautiful you were," he said, then pleasured her with his lips in ways she had only dreamed. When she was certain she could stand it no longer, Stefan moved up to kiss her on the lips, then looked into her eyes and said, "As beautiful as you are, if you were gypsy, you'd command a high bride price. I'd guess as much as a thousand dollars."
"Gypsies are still doing that?" Joanna said, wide-eyed.
Stefan laughed at her surprise. "Many do. Part of the bride price goes for the wedding and gifts, part for the feast. It's a big social occasion, sometimes lasting days."
Joanna was fascinated by this strange world into which she'd wandered. But she was more intrigued by the tingles rippling from the feel of Stefan's palm roaming leisurely over her body, his fingers doing wondrous things. So new. So intimate. So forbidden.
Stefan kissed her lightly, then stood to slip off his drawers. Her eyes wandered down the corded veins of his muscular arms and large hands, her heart racing, her loins aching with the unmistakable urging of her body as Stefan stood before her, eyes shining with anticipation. She stared at his muscular body. His hips were narrower than she'd expected, his thighs more powerful, his male part larger than even that brief glimpse she'd had. The burning low and deep inside her grew, until it became exquisite torture.
Her lips parted, her nostrils flared with her short rapid breaths, and her gaze boldly fixed where Stefan wanted it. His heart hammered. Perspiration beaded on his forehead. She was passionately aroused and wasn't trying to hide it from him. Stretching beside her, he pulled her on top of him and tangled his hands in her hair as he pressed his lips to hers. Shivers radiated from the juncture of his thighs, and sharp pangs shot through his loins.
Holding her in his arms, he heard the heavy thudding of his own heart and felt the urgency of his need, a molten probe moving against her thighs. He'd never wanted a woman as much as he wanted her. Nor had he ever had such a strong desire to give the greatest sensual pleasure he could give, solely for another's satisfaction. For her satisfaction. There was a lifetime before them for her to satisfy him. But this night was hers. Everything he would do would be for her pleasure and satisfaction.
He rolled her off him and onto her back. As he caressed with his hands and teased with his tongue, her soft sighs stirred him and delighted him. His palm followed the curves of her body, his fingers gently exploring forbidden places. Her body responded like quicksilver. Her lips moved in breathless pleas. The ache inside him was so intense, he wanted to claim her at once. Instead, h
e kissed the hollow of her neck, the swell of her breasts, then pressed his mouth to hers, until their breaths merged and became one.
Joanna writhed against him, moaning her pleasure, until she was forced to snatch her breath from his. He was giving of himself so unselfishly she felt that her satisfaction was all Stefan was demanding. But it wasn't enough. She wanted to give him pleasure too. She wanted to give him everything she could, and she wanted all that he was offering. And she wanted him now. Tugging on his arm, she pulled him over her. His arms braced on either side of her, he said in a raspy voice, "Are you sure?"
She looked into his eyes and said with certainty, "Very sure."
His movement was slow at first, tentative. Then she let out a little sigh, followed by a long, low moan of satisfaction as he slowly joined his body with hers. And as she felt the pulsating rhythm of his life-force spilling into her, she dug her fingers into the muscles of his back and clung to him, matching the rhythm of his body with hers until she was aware of nothing but wave upon wave of erotic sensation spiraling through her.
After a while, Stefan rolled onto his side and cradled her against him. His breath caressed her ear, as he whispered, "I didn't intend to do that. Will you forgive me?"
"There's nothing to forgive," she said, "because it was what I wanted. And thank you. Everything you told me about it is true. I do feel like some enormous tension has been released. But everything I said is also true. It was only a temporary diversion. And it will not only be impractical, but it will be very embarrassing for me to expect you to make love to me every time I am tense about you going into the big cage. But I do want it to happen again. Your lovemaking is beyond divine." Her face sobered. "But I'm afraid."
He stroked her cheek and gazed into her eyes. "Of what?"
"Loving you." She snuggled against him. "I don't know whether I can live with this fear. As long as I'm with you it will be there. Away from you... well, in my heart there would always be a certain amount of anxiety, but it would not be a part of my everyday life. But after tonight, I will always be restless for the selfless love you gave me. And I know there will never be a man who could possibly take your place. But then, I'd rather die alone, with you in my heart, than with someone I could never love. Does that make sense?"
He tightened his arms around her, holding her flesh to flesh, but it was different than it was during the height of their passion. "Don't leave me, Joanna," he said. "Love me and trust me and stay with me. But don't leave me." When she said noting, he pushed the hair from her face and said, "I've worked with cats since I was a child and I'm still here."
"I think we've come full circle now," Joanna said. She moved out of the circle of his arms and shoved him back flat against the bed. Sitting beside him, she pointed to the scar on his ribs. "How did you get this one?"
Stefan looked down. "From a tiger. But it was because I made the mistake of working in a wet arena and lost my footing. I've learned my lesson and it won't happen again."
Joanna noted that he'd made the statement in that quiet, infuriatingly confident tone he used when explaining away his accidents. She pursed her lips and glared at his shoulder. "What about these?" she clipped, angry at the sight of the ugly scars in his smooth flesh.
He shrugged. "A lioness jumped me from a high pedestal. But if I had been more experienced and paying attention, I would have known she was primed for a leap. Another lesson I've learned well."
"Umm," Joanna hummed in irony. She ran her finger over a jagged scar that started at his groin and moved down his inner thigh. She had not noticed it before. "And this was another male lion vying for dominance, I suppose," she clipped, feeling a strong sense of possession for that part of him, another reminder of how vulnerable he was.
Stefan looked down at the scar and sighed. "An undisciplined, half-grown tiger cub got me with his rear claws when I was trying to medicate him. It was during the night, and I only had my drawers on. It was also the reason my wife left me."
Joanna stared at him, wide-eyed. "Your wife left you because of a cub?"
"Because the strike was too close for her comfort. She thought I was being careless by not protecting myself with padding, even while handling a cub, and she was convinced I'd eventually end up like Klaus Haufchild."
Joanna looked at him, puzzled. "I thought he lost an arm."
"He did," Stefan said, "but he almost lost a leg, and...well, let's just say, he is no longer capable of performing in the bedroom."
Joanna's eyes fixed on the two scars and their implications. All she could bring herself to say was, "I see."
Stefan laughed it off. "Another foolish mistake that won't happen again," he said, with confidence. "I've learned from my mistakes, and for tonight we will put it all behind. " He pulled her toward him and Joanna didn't resist.
Cuddled against him, she said, "Did you love your wife?"
He kissed her on the temple. "Yes."
"But, not enough to give up your cats?"
He sighed. "She wasn't willing to compromise. I suggested she stay away when I worked with the cats, but she said she couldn't not watch. Then, I told her I'd get rid of the troublemakers. But she wanted me to give it all up... work only with her horses."
"What's wrong with that? You'd still be working with animals," Joanna clipped.
"Horses don't offer the challenge cats do. Each cat has a distinct personality, each requires a different method of handling and training. And when fourteen lions and tigers are performing and it comes together, it's all worthwhile."
Joanna felt a gut-wrenching knot coiling in the pit of her stomach. "Fourteen?" she said in a tight voice. "You're planning on adding more?"
"Possibly."
"And when it doesn't come together. What then?"
Stefan released a long burdensome sigh. "That doesn't happen very often."
Joanna looked at him dubiously. "Then what I saw in Vicksburg was an illusion?"
Stefan's jaws tightened. "I'm not saying the cats don't fight, and occasionally attack. But in Vicksburg... well, Rafat was behind that."
"Then why don't you get rid of him?" Joanna hissed.
Stefan shrugged. "Because with patience and work he'll be a good performer. There's a majestic quality about him, exceptional facial characteristics, and he's intelligent and alert. I'll be working him on a harness tomorrow. I want you to watch."
Joanna felt as if she were teetering on the edge of an abyss. "It terrifies me to see you in that cage," she said in a hopeless voice she almost didn't recognize. "But staying away doesn't resolve anything either. I'd just be wondering if the animals were restless or irritable, or if Rafat would cause trouble."
"Then you'll come watch?"
"I don't know."
"Trust me, sweetheart. Nothing will happen."
Joanna's pulse drummed as the bitter taste of fear rose in her throat. "I wish I could truly believe nothing will happen, but I can't." She moved out of the circle of his arms and stood.
He looked at her puzzled. "Where are you going?"
"No further than the wash basin." She filled the basin, dipped a washcloth into the water and started passing it over her body.
Stefan moved to stand beside her and took the cloth from her hands. "This is my job." As he wiped off her sweat-dampened body, he said, "For now, don't try to work everything out. There's time for that." He dipped the cloth in the water, wrung it out and concentrated on the areas of their lovemaking. "Just let me love you and be a part of you."
"That's what terrifies me," Joanna said. "You are a part of me now. I feel like you're my whole life, even though our lives together have barely begun." She took the cloth from him and dipped it in the water. "I wish things were not so complicated," she said, wringing out the cloth. "I don't know why it has to be this way. Matthew's life is so simple." She guided the cloth over Stefan's chest and down his belly. "Matthew has a wife, a son, a job—" she dipped the cloth again and wrung it out "—he lives in one place. Is happy." She paused as she co
ncentrated on his male part, which was beginning to take form again.
"You'd better stop there," Stefan said. He took the cloth from her and pulled her up to stand in front of him. "For tonight, put your fears aside and sleep cradled in my arms." He took her hand and stepped over to the bed, then pulled her down to lay beside him.
She cuddled against him. "I'll try," she said. "I do want this night with you."
He kissed her on the forehead, and said, "I love you, sweetheart."
She started to tell him that she loved him too, but the words seemed untimely, though she knew she did love him. She knew it because she would willingly give her life for him. And their lovemaking had been wondrous, unlike anything she could possibly have imagined.
She rested her head against the hollow of his shoulder and placed her hand over his heart and stared at the changing patterns on the wall. She wanted to go on loving him throughout eternity, but tomorrow he'd be back in the cage with his cats, and as long as she stayed with him, the terrible fear would haunt her day and night, until his cats would finally get him.
She wasn't sure she could live with that fear.
CHAPTER SIX
Stefan gazed at Joanna sleeping beside him. Soft morning light touched her serene face and caressed her breasts where the bed linens fell away. He reached out and opened the latticed shutters and peered out the window. They had arrived in Baton Rouge, and a heavy, dapple-gray sky hung over the city. Shiny puddles gathered on the promenade deck and droplets of water clung to the railing and balusters.
Joanna moved restlessly, then her eyes drifted open. "What do you see?" she asked.
"A cool, rain-soaked morning." Stefan closed the shutters and stretched out beside her. He kissed her long and lingeringly and nuzzled the hollow behind her ear. A delicate fragrance suggesting fresh cut flowers tickled his nostrils. "I forgot to mention last night, but some gypsy couples elope—no bride price, no ceremony. The parents come after them, but if they have consummated their love, they are considered married."
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