by Blythe Stone
Olivia rolled over on the couch and faced her, her head in my lap, eyes searching.
“Of course it's okay,” she said.
“You’re always welcome and we also wanted to see if you would stay for Christmas tomorrow. OH! You could come to dinner tonight even. My dad would love it. He’s a big fan,” I said.
It would take some of the focus off of me and I didn’t feel a little selfish about that. If she was lonely though maybe it would help.
“I don't want to hijack your plans,” Nat said solidly. “I'd be fine just here, really.”
“Please?” Olivia asked, worried but keeping it inside.
Natalie's lips tightened and her face changed sadly. “Why are you mad at me?” She asked about ready to cry.
Olivia breathed in and turned onto her back so she wouldn't have to see her. “Avery told me you kissed,” Olivia said.
“Wait, you’re actually mad at her? You weren’t mad at me. That doesn’t make any sense,” I babbled.
“Well thanks,” Olivia said, getting up and walking away. “I'm gonna get ready,” Olivia said, leaving us.
“I- probably should've guessed that one,” Natalie exhaled and looked over at me once Olivia has gone. “I am stupid. She's probably mad I didn't tell her. Which makes sense.”
Nat looked a little better now but there was more to her pensive state. Oddly enough, nothing between us was uncomfortable. It was all just like before.
She got up and sat next to me, hugging into my side and leaning her head against my shoulder. “Is something wrong with me?” She asked, snuggled up and overcome with melancholy.
“Like what?” I asked.
“She didn't even kiss me,” Nat said.
“Oh!” I put my arm around her and shook my head. “Not everyone kisses on the first date. Maybe she just wanted to get to know you. Did she act interested?” I asked.
“Sort of,” Nat shrugged. “But she was so pretty I kept losing track of what I was saying. I probably sounded like such an idiot. This stuff isn't usually hard for me.”
“Maybe that’s a good sign. You definitely wouldn’t get bored with her. She seems kind of mysterious. Has she texted you or called?”
“Nope,” she said, popping her lips. “But I do not have a problem with things being calm. I'd actually appreciate that. The last thing I need is another Olivia. She drives me insane.”
“No matter what happens you need to know that there’s nothing wrong with you. You’re fucking amazing. I’d have kissed you…. I did kiss you. She probably just wants to take things slow. She could still get in contact,” I reassured her.
“Ya know… I actually thought things were good with Viv…” Nat confessed. “I thought about Christmas with her, how nice that would be…”
“And?” I prodded.
“And…” she sighed, exhausted. She pushed off my body and sat up, her fingers playing with each other as she stared down at them in her lap. “No one wants to keep me, Avery. I'm a good kiss,” she said. Looking over and swallowing with her chin up. “A good fuck,” she shrugged, offended.
“You’re way more than that. Tell me what happened,” I said.
“What always happens?” She said, bothered that I'd ask, that I wouldn't just leave it or guess. “I don't even know what happened with Vivi,” Nat said. “I wish I did but I don't. I just know that she wanted a break. Which is enough to know that we'll probably never be real again.”
“You don’t know that and you don’t know what Layla was thinking last night. I just know that you can’t give up forever. You deserve to be happy and you could miss it if you’re too down on yourself to see the person who wants to keep you,” I tried.
I sucked at this kind of thing. Advice wasn’t my thing. It was Olivia’s job to be giving Nat advice but I had to try something. They weren’t going to be talking right now so it was up to me.
“I'm not giving up, I'm just… Getting sick of what keeps happening to me,” Nat said.
“I don’t blame you. It’s not fair.” I pulled her into my body with the arm I had around her and squeezed. “That’s why you’re coming with us to eat amazing food and listen to my dad murder some Christmas carols.”
“Oh God. Your family sings?” Nat asked, amused.
“Badly,” I complained. “I try to drown him out but there’s only so much I can do. I know he’s going to ask me to play. If we had a piano he would ask Olivia. Don’t worry,” I said, taking her hand. “I’ll protect you… With wine.”
“Oh good,” she laughed gratefully.
“Yeah, when I said wine I meant sparkling grape juice because we don't drink around my mom anymore,” I admitted.
Mom was close to a year sober. That whole journey had taken place when I was also dealing with the insanity of Ben and the trial.
I hadn't been there a lot but it wasn't a horrible thing mom and dad reconnected and now they were better than they were even when Adam was alive.
Mom doesn't sneak alcohol and dad doesn't yell at her. I'm happy for them but I'm not done processing how it felt after our family fell apart. Olivia was my family now.
“Oh, right,” Nat said, sobering.
“Or you could stay here if you really don't want to come with us,” I said.
Obligation felt so heavy when you just wanted to bake in your misery for a while. I didn't want her to feel like she had to tag along.
“It'd be nice to be somewhere, “ Nat said. “With living breathing people who aren't going to be rueful or expecting something... Or indifferent that I exist,” she added on. “That one's kind of important.”
“True. I do expect you to be on my team for Pictionary,” I explained.
My mom had already warned me that Dad was going all out this year. I wasn't the only one hankering for Christmas past.
“Avery, you never told me your family was like all those 1950s white families on tv,” Nat beamed.
“Well, they're just trying to make up for ignoring me for years,” I said.
“Yes but, it sounds like you've played Pictionary before, Little Knight.”
Nat pushed her fingers into my hair and stared at me lovingly.
“Yes, when I was little and sucked really badly at drawing. Not that I’m any better now,” I added.
Nat touched my shoulder and pushed me a little to cheer me up.
“Hey, I just hope you like yams because mom will push them on you,” I laughed.
I turned and rose up a little, jumping at her and tackling her to the cushions and hugging her body. Nothing could be awkward with Nat for long.
“You know we’re going to be friends forever, right?” I asked.
“Um. I'll chase you down if you try to leave me,” she threatened.
“I believe you,” I said.
I smoothed her hair back from her face.
“You’re the most loyal person I’ve ever met,” I said.
“Just don't give me a reason not to be,” she smiled gratefully.
“I don’t think there’s any way I’d ever betray you,” I said.
“There shouldn't ever be a reason to,” Nat said.
“So, can I ask you something?” I sat back up and drew in a deep breath. “It’s a stupid question. I just try to wrap my head around things and fail.”
I looked down at her.
“How do you feel about me? It’s obvious that it’s more than friends both ways and I know we don’t need a definition. I just want to know,” I said.
“Uh,” she started to laugh and blush a little. “I dunno Avery, how do you think I feel?”
It amused her that I was thinking about this.
“I don’t know,” I scoffed and then shrugged. “Like you love me as a friend but you want to kiss me too?”
“Nothing's ever simple is it,” she said. “I love you. That's simple. At least, I think it is. But I get it if it's not like that for you. You spent so long hanging out, taking pictures, and sleeping with my ex in her bed before the wedding, does i
t even surprise you at all that I would fantasize? That this whole thing became a huge part of me?”
“Knowing you better now, how generous your heart is, it makes more sense that you would make me a part of you and include me in your life. I’ll never get what it was about me that captured Olivia but I don’t have to know. I spend a lot of time ignoring my feelings and emotions and now I’m trying to sort them out before I get too confused to recognize what’s going on with me.”
“I didn't mean to confuse you,” she said honestly. “I just thought it wouldn't hurt since we were both feeling it and Olivia knows how we feel about each other and her.”
“I’m easily confused,” I laughed.
“I would never do that if I thought it would really fuck you guys up,” Nat admitted. The way she said it I could tell she already thought I knew. “Even drunk, I don't think I could ever be that far removed from the consequences.”
“I know.” I took her hand and tugged at her. “I feel like in parallel universes we would always be connected in some way. You with Olivia, me with you, or maybe all three of us together, as crazy as that might sound to some people.”
“You and your parallel universes,” Nat laughed, playing with my hair lovingly.
“You have to admit that it’s fun to think about. How we would all be in different circumstances,” I said.
Then I swallowed and shook my head.
“Except if they were bad,” I admitted.
“If Olivia stayed with me we would've fought too much and really broke apart. I'm lucky you came when you did,” Nat explained. “Who knows where I'd be now if that other universe was the real one… Where any of us would be. It actually hurts me to think about that. I don't want anything bad to happen to us. Well, anything worse,” she stressed.
“I hope it won’t. We’ve had enough happen to us. Sometimes I get so scared that some random thing will happen to Olivia and she’ll be gone. If I think about it for more than a second I start to panic,” I said.
I moved on in my mind, thinking of puppies instead of letting that horrible thought live in my consciousness.
I heard a small noise and noticed the door opening as Olivia came back out to be with the living. She’d showered and styled her hair, put a nice expensive dress on and gotten herself ready to go out for the night.
When she reentered the room she kept her eyes down and I watched her go into the kitchen, get a bottle of water out of the fridge and start to drink some with her back turned away.
I got up and bounded into the kitchen, catching her up in my arms and making her spill a little water on me.
“Baby! You look beautiful as usual,” I said.
“Okay,” she laughed nervously. “Is this too dressy?” She asked.
“Nope. Perfect. You’re perfect,” I said.
I spun her around and pushed her against the fridge, kissing her. I brought my hands to her cheeks and slowed the kiss so I could really explore her for a second before I ended it.
“Mmm, perfect, yes,” I murmured.
Her eyes slowly opened again and her smile grew as her cheeks flushed. “Right,” she said breathlessly, always looking at me a bit skeptical.
“I'll just change into something normal,” Nat said, disappearing off into our now darkened room.
“Hey, you don’t mind if I’m on a Pictionary team with Nat, do you? I sort of told her that she had to be my partner.”
“You think I'm bad at Pictionary?” Olivia pouted.
“You’re too good. I have to give someone else a chance to win. You know I can’t draw anyway. I just drag you down,” I said, frowning and feigning depression.
“It's fine. I'll just sit back and watch,” Olivia decided.
“Nope, you’re going to be with Dad. I have it all plotted out. Mom won’t want to play. She would rather go back and forth between the kitchen and the living room. She told me on the phone when she warned me about Dad and his plans,” I said.
I took the bottle of water from her and took a drink. She was too cute like this, all loving and melted to me. I leaned on her, the front of our bodies making contact.
“I’m so bossy today. I’m not even sorry,” I teased.
“You have been pretty bossy,” she said, staring straight at my lips.
“Mmm, yes, now kiss me again. You’re staring and there are better ways to occupy our time until Nat comes back,” I said.
“Mm. I don't take orders well,” Olivia teased.
Her hands both touched up onto my sides.
“Careful. I don’t have enough time to show you how,” I smiled.
She lazily dropped her hands down and let out a sigh.
“Well now, that's too bad,” she said honestly.
“I know, it sucks. I might feel inclined to give you a tutorial later tonight,” I said and leaned in close to her ear. “We haven’t played with the toy box much lately. I might like to take some things out when we get home,” I whispered.
I could hear her sharply inhale. Not extremely, just in a noticeable way. I bent my head a little, brushing my nose against her cheek slightly.
Her hands returned to my waist and she pulled me into her closer. “Well, you let me know when you've decided what you want,” Olivia whispered carefully. When she held her cravings inside it was so fucking sexy.
Natalie came out of our room in one of Olivia's stretchier dresses. It was actually unfair how easy it was for her to look like a million dollars. “I'm stealing your heels,” she said, pushing some earrings into her ears as she came all the way out.
“You look great,” I said, giving her a once over.
“Thanks,” she said, eyes noticing the particular position I had Olivia in.
I cleared my throat and took my hands away from Olivia, straightening and letting her free.
Olivia ducked her head and snuck out from me, opening the fridge door and grabbing another bottle of water. “I’ll start putting the presents in the car,” she said, tapping on my waist and smiling up at me all flushed.
Nat walked up to the counter and watched us. As Olivia passed Nat, Nat tugged a hand on Olivia’s side and pulled her in for a semi-forced hug. “I’m sorry for not telling you,” Nat whispered.
“It’s fine,” Olivia said, hugging her back loosely.
They stayed like that for a little bit. Nat looked up at me mid-hug.
I smiled and shrugged, enjoying them being close. They rarely got very upset at each other and it was disconcerting when it did happen.
Olivia slipped away to the tree Brian and Jacob helped us get and decorate. In the not so lit room it looked amazing with all its sparkling lights. Our presents for my parents were under there and ready to go. Nat helped Olivia to pick a few of the gifts up.
I'd gotten Dad a model battleship that he could build and paint and for mom Olivia helped me pick a spa certificate because she never did things like that for herself. We got two certificates so I could go with her.
“I guess we should go load all this stuff up,” I suggested.
“That's the idea,” Nat said.
I hadn’t seen my parents since Thanksgiving. That wasn’t long really but enough that it felt weird. Before we were even married I had moved in with Olivia and that’s when my parents had chosen to get their shit together. I didn’t regret not living with them. It wouldn’t have worked. There was too much baggage and I was about to be eighteen anyway. Moving in with Olivia had been the right thing for me.
They understood that but I knew it probably hurt them on some level. I couldn’t worry about that because I had been hurt too and they were a part of that.
I helped Nat and Olivia with the presents. We filed out to the car, putting them on one side of the backseat before getting in. I let Nat have shotgun and I climbed in with the presents. It wasn’t far. I could run there and I did sometimes just to visit during school breaks.
Olivia pulled up outside the house and turned off the car. I waited a second before getting out. Nat was a
lready pulling presents out of the back seat beside me and I ran around to help her. We all approached the door and before I could knock, Mom opened it and motioned us inside.
“Too many presents,” she said. Helping us to put them down.
I could tell she was just happy to have us. She hugged me and I let myself feel her joy for a moment before letting her do the same to Olivia.
“You look thin, Olivia.” Mom turned to me. “Avery, she looks thin. Is she eating?” She turned back to Olivia. “Are you not eating enough?”