by Hiromi Goto
“Jesus,” Cracker muttered.
The girl’s edges slowly began to fade, her solidity growing transparent. The leeches faded from sight, one after the other.
The child suddenly opened her eyes. Gee’s heart plugged his throat.
White Cat hissed.
Sherylyne eyed her new environment eagerly. “Where is this place?” she asked. “I’ve never come so far before. We’re not allowed to leave.” The girl’s voice was hoarse. “We’re trapped in the Archives. We’re murdered every day.”
Cracker gasped. Gee glanced up at his friend.
Her face was contorted with awful realization.
The little girl’s voice was growing thinner. “We heard that a long time ago, someone called Melanie had come to set everyone free. But not us. We weren’t set free. So we began to eat. Little things. The rats and mice. The spiders and things. And it helps us. It does. We can stretch out time before she kills us again. But all the little things aren’t enough. We needed to eat something bigger.”
Gee grasped the child’s arms, but his fingers passed through her flesh as if she were made of mist. She was growing fainter and fainter.
“You should have let us eat you.” The child was barely audible.
And then she was gone.
“Fool child,” White Cat muttered, his voice full of censure.
Gee stared at the ground where the girl had lain. His empty hands slowly curled into fists. “She’s just a little kid. She’s murdered every day! If eating makes things better for them what’s the harm in it? Everyone’s dead, anyway. What difference does it make?” He was standing now, looming over the cat.
White Cat’s eyes narrowed into thin slits. “Can you not see? They’ve discovered that if they eat other Half World creatures, they gain more energy. It delays their being yanked back to their worst suffering. But they’re just prolonging their time in Half World. However awful the trauma, they need to work through it in order to pass into Spirit. They need to suffer and suffer and finally surpass the suffering. Only then are they free.”
“It’s not fair!” Cracker’s eyes shone like topaz. “They were abused and killed, and they end up here to suffer more? It’s not their fault! The victims have to suffer with their murderers? That’s just sick!”
White Cat padded circles around the outraged girl, his tail twitching. “Your value-based thinking is well-intentioned, but naive. The universe does not place value upon the workings of individual components. The universe only seeks balance.”
“Then what’s the point,” Gee whispered. “If everyone ends up here anyway, what’s the point in trying to be good when we’re alive?”
White Cat stopped. “That is a very good question. And all individuals come up with their own answer.” The cat’s thick white tail flicked from side to side. “What is yours?”
Gee didn’t have an answer. He felt so tired. So awfully hungry…. What was the point of anything if you ended up a demented monster in Half World? Who cared, anyway?
Popo did, he thought wearily. Popo cares.
Cracker tucked her arm through the crook of Gee’s elbow. “Why are you doing this?” she asked the cat. “It’s hard enough without your making it worse. Why can’t you help us instead of confusing us with questions we have no answers for?”
“Just because you haven’t thought of the questions doesn’t mean they don’t concern you,” White Cat stated. He stared at them accusingly. Then he sighed, half-closed his eyelids and turned his back. His tail lashed from side to side. “They’re scarcely more than large children themselves,” he muttered beneath his breath. “Fool.”
Gee wasn’t certain who the cat was calling a fool. Maybe they were all fools.
“Yet it remains,” White Cat shrugged, “for everyone, no matter their age.” He extended his two front paws and stretched dramatically, exposing and retracting each individual claw, one by one, as he arched his back to a series of alarming cracks. “Yowch!” the cat exclaimed.
“Are you okay?” Gee asked begrudgingly. He looked at the cat more carefully. The snarky beast’s whiskers were drooping and his fluffy white fur was duller than before. Alarm fluttered inside Gee’s chest. White Cat wasn’t vulnerable somehow, was he?
“Don’t mind me,” White Cat sighed dramatically. “I’ll be fine. As long as you two are still alive, that’s all that really matters. What’s the life of one cat? I’ve lived a long time already anyway. Don’t worry about me. As long as you’re well and happy my life will not have been in vain.”
“You’re awful,” Cracker breathed. “Is your popo like this?” she asked Gee. “Is that why the cat’s like this?”
Gee scowled at White Cat. “Popo is nothing like him!”
White Cat clutched his fat furry middle with his two front paws and tipped backward, rolling a little from side to side. His laughter sounded like an attack of hairball and an ill-played bagpipe combined.
A laughing cat, Gee thought, was a very strange thing to behold. “Just ignore him,” he said. They turned their backs to the snickering cat.
Cracker looked worse than White Cat. She’d lost Gee’s jacket somewhere in the Archives and the application and removal of the tape from her stockings had left them completely ripped. They sagged around the tops of her black boots like elasticless socks, exposing her bare white legs. Her face was ashy with exhaustion. She looked as if she’d aged ten years since her arrival in Half World.
Gee wondered if he looked as bad. His hunger had turned into a persistent ache, like a rotten tooth. It wore at him, draining his strength. Weakening his resolve.
“You look like shit,” Cracker muttered.
“You look worse than shit,” Gee retorted.
Cracker’s grin was as warm as summer honey. It faded quickly. “What’s worse than shit?” she asked.
“Diarrhea,” Gee decided.
“Ha, ha,” Cracker said. “Yuck.”
Gee sighed. He gazed at Lilla ringed around his wrist. Even the eel was growing more listless. He gently unwound her from his arm and slung her about his ankle instead.
Cracker’s lips pursed with disapproval, but she kept her thoughts to herself.
Maybe she was too tired to argue about the eel any longer, Gee thought. He bit his lip. His hunger kept on growing, and Cracker was getting weaker. At what point would they run out of the energy, the will, to make the long journey home?
“I wonder….” Gee’s voice was small. “Maybe we can just go b-back….”
“What!” White Cat cried.
Cracker remained silent.
“I-I don’t need to see my parents. There’s nothing good in Half World—I’ve seen more than enough of it. If my birth parents are still here, it can only be bad, anyway. I….” Gee could scarcely speak. “I don’t even know them. I never did. I just want to go back.”
“You still think you can deny your past? You still think you can outrun it?” White Cat’s voice was cold.
“Why not?” Gee begged. “Lots of people do! Tons of people are adopted as babies and never find out who their parents were. They turn out okay. Why can’t it be the same for me? It’s not fair! I didn’t ask for this! I don’t want it!” He realized how he sounded. But he couldn’t stop himself. If he were capable of it, he would have wept.
White Cat’s tail was fluffed enormous. He minced up and down, his nose up in the air. “Ooooh, it’s not faaaiiir!” he mimicked. “He didn’t ask for this. He doesn’t want it!”
Anger flared inside of Gee, but it guttered quickly. Too hungry. It was making him weak and pathetic. He could feel Cracker’s eyes staring. “Don’t you think?” Gee pleaded. “Let’s go back now. Before it’s too late….”
Cracker’s eyes were troubled. She slowly shook her head. “I can’t, Gee. I’ll keep going by myself if I have to. But I can’t go home before I’ve seen my sister. What if she’s stuck, suffering, like those awful little girls? I have to help her if she is. I couldn’t help her before. I have a second chance now, and I won’t g
ive it up!”
“Don’t you get it?” Gee cried. “There are no second chances here! It’s just a loop of suffering until you turn to Spirit. Half World is the state of suffering. Until you become Spirit. It can take years. Some of the sufferers turn into monsters because they can’t bear suffering anymore. Just as those little girls did.
“And what if I turn into a monster!” Gee shouted. He’d said it. He felt as though he’d vomited a tumour. It was a relief. To have it out. To have voiced it aloud.
But Gee could feel a new little tumour of fear starting to grow. Malignant.
You’ll always feel fear until you accept the monster! his dark voice snarled.
Gee winced as if he’d been slapped.
Cracker placed her thin arm around Gee’s vulnerable back. “You won’t turn into a monster,” she scoffed. “Why would you? You’re not like them. We’re human beings. We’ll do what we have to and go back to our lives where we belong. I promise.” She spoke as if she believed the things she said. She still met his eyes, without looking away.
Gee shook his head. Didn’t Cracker understand? All the Half World monsters they’d encountered had started out as humans….
Chapter Nineteen
Cracker suddenly swung away. Half-crouching, she tottered several steps off as a thin stream of vomit gushed from her mouth.
White Cat, fur standing upright, bounded in the opposite direction. He shook his front paw as if flicking off water. “Disgusting,” he shuddered. “I can’t bear vomit! It’s not personal,” he added pompously.
Cracker retched again. Gee hurried over to her and rubbed her back. “What’s wrong?”
Cracker began to shiver. She spat, and spat, before slowly standing. Her cheeks were paler than Gee’s own, and her eyes were sunken. “Ever since we came down through the clouds,” she said, “I haven’t felt right. But it’s getting worse.”
Gee stared intently at his friend. Her golden eyes were dim, and long creases were forming in the hollows of her cheeks. As if she were growing old….
“Come over here, away from that mess,” White Cat ordered.
Gee curled his arm around Cracker’s back to support her.
“Don’t get any ideas about me.” Her voice was hoarse, her breath reeking of bile.
Gee almost smiled. “I know. You’re into girls.” He led her toward the cat.
White Cat clicked his tongue. A large white blur … then a heavy weight thudded against Gee’s chest and he staggered. Immediately the weight began sliding downward. Instinctively, Gee cupped his arms around the cat’s furry mass. “Why can’t you just ask me to pick you up?” he asked.
“Raise me to her face,” White Cat demanded.
Gee held the cat up, grunting slightly with the effort.
The cat placed one paw upon Cracker’s collarbone and sniffed at her cheeks, peered into her eyes. Cracker tried to smile, but her lips twisted.
White Cat opened his mouth, his tongue protruding a few millimetres as he crinkled his nose with a cat’s grimace. His ears lay flat. “Her Life is beginning to diminish,” he said. “You’re right about one thing. She must return as soon as possible. Half World is no place for the living.”
“What about me?” Gee whispered.
“Half World is leaching her very Life. There’s no saying how long she can stay here before she’s lost so much she won’t be able to return to the Realm of Flesh.”
“What about me?” Gee repeated.
“What!” White Cat snapped.
“What about my life?” Gee was almost certain that his voice hadn’t wobbled.
White Cat looked away. He ruffled his fur before it settled once more. “Put me down,” he said. Gee began gently lowering him to the ground. The cat leapt out of his arms as if he were in a hurry to escape Gee’s hold. He stood with his tail held vertically, except for the tip that flopped to one side. “You were born of Half World,” White Cat said. “You are not the same as Cracker.”
Gee was frozen.
He’d read that in The Book of the Realms; it shouldn’t have been a surprise. But it hadn’t seemed real in Popo’s home. Now the cat’s words were like a punch to the gut.
A small hand slipped into his icy palm. Cracker gave a little squeeze. “You’re wrong,” she told the cat. “Anyway, I don’t care if I can’t go back. It’s already like Half World there for me since my sister died.” Her voice was soft. Fierce. “And Gee is just like me. We’re both human. Not like you, I’d like to point out. And I’m not going back until I’ve saved Klara.”
The feel of Cracker’s hand meant more to Gee than he could ever say. His eyes burned. To have someone to believe in him….
“Do what you like!” White Cat snapped, his tail twitching angrily. “I don’t care what happens to you anyway. You weren’t part of the plan. For that matter, I couldn’t care less what happens to you!” he scoffed at Gee. “I only came to offer my unappreciated advice, because I care the tiniest bit about that stupid woman, Ming Wei, who sent me on this pathetic journey! Do what you please,” White Cat seethed. “But don’t you dare forget that if you return to the Realm of Flesh without having resolved your past, you’ll always lead Half Worlders back to the ones you love. You will bring evil after you and danger to Popo!” The cat pounced, clamping his paws around Gee’s knees, his claws digging into his calf. White Cat chomped through the thick jeans, piercing the meat of his thigh.
Gee kicked and kicked, trying to shake the animal off his leg, but the cat clung like a burr.
“Stop it!” Cracker cried.
“Ming Wei!” White Cat yowled. “The things I do for you!” He flared, a white incandescence, before the rays of light contracted, solid, to drop onto the carpet. Ill temper seemed to seep out of the small cat figurine.
“Are you all right?” Cracker rasped. Though weak from vomiting, she slowly began to crouch down to check Gee’s leg.
He grabbed her elbow. “It’s okay,” he said. He didn’t want her to see; there wouldn’t be any blood. Just like his little finger when he’d bitten it off for the toll. For all his denial, he could not explain his inhuman body.
Cracker, straightening up, didn’t argue. Suddenly, she grabbed his T-shirt, right below his neckline, and yanked his face down to her height.
“Wh—” Gee staggered.
Cracker kissed him on the cheek.
Her Life…. Life wasn’t only the golden light in her eyes. It was also an intoxicating perfume that seeped from her scalp. Her pores. Her breath. She smelled sweet with it. Why had he not noticed it before?
She smelled so very delicious….
“Ugh!” Gee cried with revulsion. No! No! He hadn’t thought of her as food! He hadn’t!
Cracker crinkled her nose. “I told you, I’m into girls!” she said indignantly. “I’m not hitting on you. You just looked like you needed a kiss. But it wasn’t a kiss kiss, stupid.”
“It’s not that,” Gee said weakly. “I’m sorry.” He turned his head away. He couldn’t tell her about the unbearable hunger. He bent down to pick up the little stone cat, and, after a moment’s hesitation, slipped it into his jeans pocket. “It’s something else.” He couldn’t tell Cracker about the dark voice inside him that told him to do heinous things. If she stopped believing in him, how much easier it would be to slide toward evil….
You know you want it, the nasty voice inside him purred. Be true to yourself. Imagine your relief in letting go of all those pathetic inhibitions. Such glorious, delicious freedom….
Behind Gee’s long hank of hair his eyes were wide with fear. His fingers trembled. If they hurried, maybe he could make it. Please! he begged. Before it all fell apart. Because there was no way he could convince Cracker to turn back before seeing her sister. And, despite the awful fear, Gee would not knowingly lead harm back to Popo.
For Popo, for her safety….
He would walk farther into darkness. He would try to be brave.
THEY LEFT THE HOTEL through the deliveries ac
cess next to the kitchen. From the laneway behind the hotel, they scurried to a nearby plaza.
The people and creatures who wandered about were ghost inhabitants. They didn’t see Gee and Cracker, and went about their ghost business unaware of their presence, just as the archivist had. Gee sighed with a small measure of relief.
They sat on the edge of the large stone fountain, naked stone statues set throughout the pool. Water flowed with a low roar. Gee’s stomach writhed. He clamped his arm over his middle and gazed up at the high-rise hotel. The top of the building was obscured by a low sheet of grey clouds. The mountain’s still there, he told himself. It has to be.
“I’m drinking that water,” Cracker rasped. She stared at the water flowing from an urn, poured perpetually by a naked woman hewn out of stone.
Gee looked dubious. “How can we tell if it’s safe?”
“There’s nothing floating in it.” Cracker’s voice was a dry whisper. “It smells like chlorine. That would have killed germs.”
The hairs on the back of Gee’s neck prickled. He froze. Slowly, casually, he looked around the plaza as if he were admiring its design.
There were too many dark passageways between the walls of the buildings. Shivers rippled down Gee’s spine. He whipped his head around. From the corner of his eye he saw a shadow dissolve into a narrow space between a domed church and a concrete wall.
Lilla, still wrapped around his ankle, hissed softly. She was looking in the same direction.
Gee’s heart thudded. “Is it Ilanna?” he asked the eel in a whisper. So stupid! He should have had hotel security hold her in the hotel. Asked police to charge her with trespassing. So she could be taken away. Now she could be anywhere, plotting her revenge. And Karu— Karu was still out there….
The sound of slurping. Gulping. Cracker was kneeling by the side of the fountain. She sucked water from the cup of her hand, her eyes blissfully closed.
“Wait!” Gee cried, belatedly.
“It tastes fine.” Cracker continued gulping.
Something was wrong. Gee could feel it, heavy, in the air. “Let’s go,” he said urgently. “This area is too open. I have a bad feel—”