“What do you think, Tom?”
“I’m surprised, I guess. You’ve never mentioned wanting to get into sales.”
“I think I’d be good at it. House sales, at least.”
He nodded and even managed a chuckle. “Better houses than used cars.”
She gave him a ghost of a smile for his effort at levity.
“I’ll only sell part time,” she said, “so it won’t interfere with our weekends. I hope.”
“I’m sure we can work around whatever hours you need to put in.”
“Thanks for being so supportive.”
Had he detected a hint of sarcasm there? Great going, Tom, now she thinks you’re happy that she’ll be busy so you can have more time to fool around. Well, all right. He’d destroyed her trust, but she would see that from now on he would be home every minute that he wasn’t at work and she would trust him again—in time.
As they finished dinner, Julie told him more about the new office plans, and he listened, but a part of his mind was trying, again, to figure out the best way to tell Annie he would not be seeing or calling her again.
Depending on how he looked at it, Julie announcing after dinner that she was going to Patricia’s for a few hours was either convenient or his bad luck. Tom hooked a leash on Max. As they walked through the neighborhood, he worked on a plan to end his affair.
His indecision was not so much over what he would say but whether he should say it in person. Whether he could say it in person. It would be easier for him over the phone because if he was physically near her, this afternoon’s experience told him he wouldn’t go through with it. By the time he got back to the house, he’d decided. After refilling Max’s water bowl, he went upstairs to Lindsay’s room. She hadn’t come down to join them for dessert after all.
Her door was open. She was listening to her iPod, and he stood there undetected, watching her as she lay on her bed reading. It wasn’t for her that he was breaking it off with Annie. Lindsay would be moving out of his life at a rapid pace now—and that’s the way it should be. He was ending it because he refused to go middle-aged crazy and abandon Julie for a younger woman. A woman he knew, in his rational mind, could never equal Julie.
“There’s peach pie on the counter,” he shouted.
She pulled out one earbud. “Thanks Dad, I’ll probably eat a piece later.”
“Okay. Listen, you’ll be here alone for a while. Mom’s at Patricia’s, and I’ve got to go out, but I’ll be back soon. In case you want to talk or something.”
“It’s okay, Dad, I didn’t mean you had to be here for me all the time. Um … you seem kinda down. Is there something wrong?”
Boy, oh boy, is there something wrong.
“No. Well, yes. It’s something at work. A budget problem.”
(You’re getting too good at this lying thing.)
“Oh Dad, don’t let it get to you. I know you. You’re doing the best you can.”
“Yeah, I guess.” Her genuine look of concern mocked him. It got right in his face and thrust its middle finger at him—and he deserved it. That was the hell of it.
“Anyway,” she said, “I won’t be alone. I’m having some friends over. I hope that’s all right. They’ll be here any minute.”
“I don’t mind at all. But hey, if you decide to go out before I get back, leave me a note. Okay?”
“You’re so old school, Dad. Can’t I just text you?”
“Whatever.”
Lindsay gave him a thousand-watt smile, and Tom felt like he’d been absolved from all his sins—except the really big one, the really bad one. The one he hadn’t confessed.
*
Annie saw Tom coming before he pulled in the driveway. She felt as if she were smiling with her whole body. As he walked toward the steps she opened the door, gesturing for him to come in.
“My crystal ball predicted a handsome man would come to me this evening,” she said in her best gypsy voice. When Tom didn’t return her smile, dread formed a tiny black bud inside her.
He nodded toward the truck. “Could we talk?”
“I’m not dressed to go out, wait a—”
“We’re not going anywhere.” He took a step back toward the driveway.
Tom hadn’t even bothered to fake a smile, and his deep, sonorous voice that made her heart soar had gone toneless. As they climbed into the truck, the interior light revealed his face was as colorless as his voice. Something had gone terribly wrong since he left her this afternoon. That black bud inside her swelled.
He stared straight ahead, holding on to the steering wheel with both hands, looking as if the whole world might fly apart if he let go. His jaw worked, but he made no sound. Then he inhaled deeply, letting his words rush out on the exhale. “I can’t see you after tonight, Annie.”
The world did not fly apart. It just stopped turning. Last stop. Get off, please.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
That dark bud blossomed fully and became a clown’s fake flower spurting ice water directly into her veins. She clenched her fists, digging her nails into her palms, trying in desperation to hold back the tears. A part of her had been expecting this scene from the beginning, but that did nothing to lessen the pain of it now.
Unaware she’d been holding her breath, she exhaled, and her breath felt cold in her throat. January had kidnapped June. All the normal summer evening sounds were muffled to her ears, and Tom’s next words seemed to come to her from a distance.
“I think my wife knows about us.”
Oh dear God, why does he feel compelled to explain why he’s killing me? If she sat very still, would he stop talking? Would he quit saying these horrible words so her heart could stop its frantic pounding? No. He spoke again and she wanted to escape, to run and run and never stop.
“I just … I just …” He sighed. “It’s not that I don’t care about you. Maybe if things were different …” He shook his head. “I love my wife and daughter. I can’t do this. Do you see?”
From the corner of her eye she saw him turn to her, begging her to understand. She kept her eyes on her hands clenched in her lap. “Yes, I see.” No I don’t. Her unshed tears were acid in her eyes. One tiny sob escaped her throat. Words wisped from her lips like smoke. “Please … please don’t do this. I love you, Tom. I love you. Please.”
“Don’t. Oh God. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
He turned the keys in the ignition, signaling his desire to leave, but Annie made no move to get out. She ached to touch him. But if she reached for his hand now, she feared he would—would what? That he would push her away? No. She feared he wouldn’t be there at all. That he wasn’t real. That the man of her dreams was really the man of her nightmares. If she turned her head to the left—don’t do it—would she see Gary? Let me wake up. Please, God, let me wake up to the dream.
“Let me go, Annie.”
His voice was choked with emotion, but definitely it was Tom’s voice she heard. Tom’s voice ripping out her heart. She stumbled getting out of the truck. Her icy body struggled to obey orders. He jammed the truck in reverse, and was tearing down the street before she made it back inside her house.
Feeling hollow and fragile as the wings on a dead butterfly, she collapsed into the nearest chair. As the purple shadows of twilight deepened to the blackness of night, she neither moved nor cried.
Kate came home an hour later. She flipped the light switch and cried out in surprise when she saw Annie sitting motionless in the chair. “What are you doing sit—” The rest of the words died in her throat as intuition changed her expression to a mixture of disappointment and anger. “Oh no. No! Goddammit, he can’t do this to you!”
*
Tom had the oddest sensation his mind had detached from his body. His body belonged to someone else. It was someone else who drove away from Annie’s house. Someone else sat through a green light, bought the wrong brand of cigarettes at the Super 7, and missed the turn into his own driveway. Definitely it was so
meone else who joked with Lindsay and her friends who were sitting in the family room. But halfway up the stairs to his bedroom, someone else disappeared, leaving him alone to sit on the edge of the bed with elbows on knees, head cradled in hands, shaking violently.
He wanted desperately to be someone else because this person he’d become repulsed him. He despised himself for what he’d done these past two weeks, and he didn’t question that Annie felt the same way about him. How could she not?
He dropped his clothes in a heap on the floor, collapsed onto the bed, and grabbed the remote. He had no interest in watching anything on TV, but he hoped it would drown out his own inner voice. Though awake when Julie came home after eleven, he lay in the dark, still as death. It was sometime after two before he escaped the cage of consciousness.
18
June 18
When the alarm woke him, Tom shot a hand out to silence it but made no further move. This is my first day back in reality. He lay on his side counting the green LED segments of the clock numerals. One, two, three, four … five segments in the number five—amazing but true. Julie nudged him to make sure he was awake. At her prompt, he forced himself to get out of bed and plod to the bathroom.
Twenty-minutes later, as he drew water to make coffee, he looked out the kitchen window. The day was as gloomy as his thoughts. He set the coffee brewing and tuned the TV to the weather channel. When the local forecast predicted waves of thunderstorms throughout the day, Tom knew he’d have to cancel the day’s exterior construction. Still, one of the crews would be doing interior work, and he had never-ending paperwork to do. Stacks of it. Mounds even. Today, he was grateful for it all to keep his mind busy.
Though the alarm had gone off thirty minutes ago, Julie still lay in bed. She hated alarms. She liked to wake up slowly. Although she was ashamed to admit it, she’d hated mornings when Lindsay, as a toddler, stood at the side of her bed holding out her empty pink butterfly bowl asking for “foo woops.” Having to jump out of bed and start full-blast into the day was hell. But lately she’d noticed that she was wide-awake before she drank half her first cup of coffee. Of course, then she struggled to stay awake the rest of the day. One of the benefits of aging, she supposed.
In two months she would be forty-three. Forty-three. Middle age had sneaked up on velvet cat paws, but some days, like today, it tangled itself in her hair and wouldn’t let go. It wasn’t so much what she saw when she looked in her mirror. The liquor store clerk was never going to card her again, but she was still a far cry from being given an automatic senior citizen’s discount. But exactly what did others see when they looked at her? What did Tom see?
Forty-three.
Suddenly, she remembered the only bit of advice Tom’s mother had ever given her. Ruth had said, “Take care of your looks, Julie. If you find yourself all alone at forty-two, your looks might be all you have left.” She knew that Ruth referred to her own widowhood, but the warning seemed so bizarre Julie never mentioned it to Tom. Now, she was forty-two, but she wasn’t alone. Not yet, anyway. Her fear of Tom leaving her was another contributing factor to her newfound insecurity. This loss of confidence was the reason she found it unbearable to be alone for more than ten minutes.
Too much solitude turned her thoughts to the subject of death and how close she might be to that.
The ringing of her phone temporarily swept the last thought from her mind. She let it go three times before she gave in and answered.
“Good morning,” Eddie chirped. “I do hope you’re ready for a surprise.”
“I hope it’s a good one.”
“How about a week in sunny southern California? Is that a good one?”
“And why would I be spending a week in California?”
“Because you’re worth it, my dear. It’s my little treat to you.”
“That’s very generous, but—”
“Now, don’t disappoint me. I have it all planned. You’ve been studying so intently, and you’re going to be working long hours at the office soon. You—”
“But I can’t just—”
“Julie. Don’t speak. Just listen to Dr. Eddie for a moment. Listen. All right?”
She sighed. “Yes.”
“Good. That’s very good. We talked last night about the stress you’ve been under with Lindsay going off to school and your … uh … situation with Tom. And I say, time out. You need to get away for a little while. Gain a new perspective on things. Mellow out. This is something you’ve wanted to do for a long time. Now, relax. Take a deep breath. Blow it out slowly.”
Eddie paused, and though she didn’t know why, she obeyed his instruction.
“Now, Julie, listen to my voice. Clear your mind. Let all that tension drain away. Everything will be fine if you go back to sleep. Sleep. Sleeep …”
*
God, what a morning he’d had. At least the weather cooperated for the first few hours. But before noon, the relentless rain turned the construction site into a swamp, and Tom sent the crew home. By two o’clock, paperwork finished, he sat at his desk in the office trailer, staring at the rain drops running down the windows. From habit, he wondered what Annie was doing at that moment. Even knowing he could never dial her number again, he glanced at the phone.
Seconds later, lightning struck a nearby transformer, plunging the office into an early dusk. Bonnie left for home, but Tom sat still. He had no reason to stay there, but he had no desire to go home. Maybe the gloom and definitely the hypnotic sound of rain drumming on the metal roof of the trailer made Tom drowsy. He closed his eyes and rested his head on the desk.
“You had no right,” Jacob said, “she was promised to me!”
“I had every right,” the old man stormed back. “Maggie is my daughter. I did my duty to see she was well married.”
“Well married,” Jacob scoffed. “By God, are you denying what you know about the man? If ever a man was born without a heart, it was Elihu Bennett. You’ve sent your daughter into a life of misery. Tell me, did she fetch you a good price?”
The old man stiffened. “Elihu is a respectable man, and worth far more than a half-breed fur trader like you will ever be. You’ve come too late. Now, go. Get off my property.”
“I’ll go because I’m off to Indiana to find her. You’re right; I was too late. Too late to save Maggie from your selfish greed, but I swear I will save her from her fate with Bennett.”
Tom jerked upright, and like Annie had done at the river, he tried to convince himself he’d fallen asleep and dreamed. But while Jacob’s anger still raged through his body, it was impossible to deny he’d had another vision.
Considering the conversation he’d just witnessed, he understood Jacob’s hatred of Bennett a little better now. Maggie had been stolen from him. This wasn’t the first time Tom had felt Jacob’s hatred second hand. When Jacob turned to face Maggie’s husband, he’d been consumed with it. Understandable. But Tom was unaccustomed to feeling hatred like that, and it sickened him.
What worried him was the thought that a man who was that strongly filled with hate might not rest easy in his grave. Annie believed this thing they were experiencing was a case of reincarnation, but now he considered it could be something else. It might actually be a haunting. In spite of his unease, he had to smile at that. Two weeks ago he would have said he didn’t believe in either.
Sighing deeply, Tom rose from his desk. Jacob and Maggie’s was a tragic story, but whatever had happened almost two centuries ago no longer concerned him. Jacob and Maggie were long dead, killed by their love for each other.
And Annie and I—as lovers—are just as dead.
“Get the hell out of my life, Jacob. Don’t bother me again.” To prevent damage from a surge when the power came back up, Tom switched off the main power to the computers. After locking the door, he made a dash through the rain for his truck. Despite its reminding him of Annie or maybe to punish himself for that, he set off for the Coach House.
*
Tom
was surprised to find the pub packed in the middle of the day. He glanced at his watch. It was just after four o’clock. Happy hour. And it’s Friday. Arriving customers jostled him as they passed, and Tom stepped out of the way, scanning the place. There were no free tables or booths. He headed toward one of the vacant bar stools.
He was lost in thought, drinking his second beer, when someone slapped him on the back.
“Hey there, buddy.”
He cringed, recognizing the voice. Dear Old Eddie took the stool next to his.
“How’s it going, Eddie?”
“It’s going great, Tom. You know about the new business?”
“Yeah, Julie told me. Congratulations,” he said with little enthusiasm. “Good luck doing business with your girlfriend, though.”
Eddie looked momentarily puzzled, and then he shook his head, chuckling. “Patricia’s just a friend, an old friend.”
“I guess I misunderstood, then.” Tom drained the last of his beer and stood up. “I should get home.”
“You know,” Eddie said, “I saw you here with her … the woman from the Cineplex.” He smiled and gave Tom a knowing wink. “She’s a beautiful one.”
For a moment, Tom clenched his fists, itching for the satisfaction of punching that smug grin right off Eddie’s face. Then fear slammed his heart. Eddie was in position to greatly complicate his life with this knowledge.
Shit. Eddie had seen him with Annie that day—here in the Coach House of all places. He could only have seen them talking, but Tom had no doubt Eddie would insinuate it was more if he told Julie. Tom’s knees gave out, and he collapsed onto the barstool again. “It’s not what you think.”
Eddie laughed heartily. “Sure it is. But hey, your secret is safe with me.” He gave Tom another conspiratorial wink and slap on the back. “We all have our secrets, Tom.”
Tom’s skin crawled under Eddie’s touch, but he didn’t allow his disgust to show on his face. As much as it killed him to admit it, he couldn’t afford to offend Eddie now.
Forever Page 17