by Roddy Doyle
–Darren, said Jimmy Sr.—We live in a mental home.
Darren laughed.
–Sorry, Sharon, said Veronica.—Go on, love. Sharon grinned at Veronica. She looked at the twins when she spoke.—I’m goin’ to be havin’ a baby.
* * *
Jimmy Sr and Veronica were alone in the kitchen. Jimmy Sr was having the cup of tea he always had before he went out.
–These yokes aren’t as nice as they used to be, said Jimmy Sr.—Sure they’re not?
He put the rest of the Jaffa Cake on the table.
–That doesn’t stop you eating them.
–I didn’t say they weren’t nice, Veronica. Wha’ I said was—
–Right. Right. I agree with you.
–Are yeh tired, Veronica?
–Mm, said Veronica.
–Will yeh go on up to the bed?
–Mm.
–That’s the place to be.—It went well, didn’t it?
–I suppose it did, said Veronica.
–They took it very well, I thought.
–Ah Jimmy, for Christ’s sake. What did you expect? Did you think the girls would be outraged or something?
–No.
He grinned at her.
–I didn’t think they’d go tha’ wild. Poor Sharon won’t have any peace now. Inside—
He nodded at the door.
–watchin’ the telly there, Sharon yawned an’ Tracy asked her was she havin’ the baby.—Tha’ Jimmy fella’s a righ’ pup though. He said somethin’ to Sharon, yeh know, cos I saw her hittin’ him. She gave him a righ’ wallop.
–They get on very well, those two.
–I don’t know, said Jimmy Sr.
He sighed.
–You were exactly like him, said Veronica.
–Veronica, please. It’s been a rough day. Now, lay off.
–Remember that Crombie you had?
–No.
–You do so. You used to keep it spotless. Except for your dandruff.
–I didn’t have dandruff!
–Excuse me, you did so. My Uncle Bob used to say that we needed a Saint Bernard dog to find everyone after you’d been in the house.
Jimmy Sr laughed.
–He was an oul’ bollix, tha’ fella. A right oul’ bollix. I bought tha’ fucker a brandy at the weddin’, I did.
–Annyway, we didn’t have those special shampoos.
Timotei. So mild you can wash your hair as often as yeh like! As if yeh didn’t have better things to be doin’ than washin’ your fuckin’ hair all day. As often as yeh like!
–What happened that coat?
–I don’t know! I threw it ou’.
–You did not. After you bought it you stopped trying to get me to go into the fields with you. It was the best contraceptive ever invented, that coat.
–Veronica!
–That’s what they should give every young lad these days. A nice new coat.
Jimmy Sr laughed.
They said nothing for a while. Then Veronica spoke.
–Jimmy.
–Yes, Veronica?
–Do you not think—?—You’ll probably shout at me for saying it.—I think we should tell the twins that what Sharon did was wrong.
–Wha’?
–No, listen. I don’t want to turn them against her or anything—
–An’ the baby, remember.
–Yes, I know that. But—
–Wha’?
–I think we should tell them. Without, you know. We should tell them that they should only have babies when they’re married.
–They wouldn’t understand wha’ you were on abou’.
–Oh they would, you know.
–Maybe they would.—It’s a bit young but, isn’t it?
Wha’ were yeh thinkin’ o’ tellin’ them?
He was flicking fluff and specks off his jumper. That meant he was on his way out.
–Do you not think we should? Veronica asked him.
–Well, whatever you think yourself, Veronica, said Jimmy Sr.—They’d only laugh at me. I’m only their da. Anyway, it’d sound better comin’ from a woman, wouldn’t it?—Maybe leave it till they’re a bit older.
–But by then—
She couldn’t finish. There was no tidy way of saying what she thought. She gave up. Maybe she’d talk to Sharon about it.
Jimmy Sr was standing up, ready to go. But he didn’t want to leave Veronica unhappy.
–Times’ve changed, Veronica, he said.
–I suppose so, said Veronica.—But do we have to keep up with them?
Jimmy Sr didn’t like questions like that.
–D’yeh want to come? he asked Veronica.
–Ah no.
–Up to the bed?
–Mm; yeah.
–That’s the place. See yeh later.
–Bring your Crombie. It might rain.—Ha fuckin’ ha.
* * *
–How much did it cost yeh, Jackie? Yvonne asked.
She dipped two wetted fingers into her crisp bag and dredged it for crumbs.
–Fifteen pound, ninety-nine, said Jackie.
–Really? said Yvonne.—That’s brilliant, isn’t it?
–Is it hand wash, Jackie? said Mary.
–Yeah, it is.
–It’s very nice now.
–Thanks.
Yvonne wiped her fingers on the stool beside her.
Sharon saw this as she walked over to join them so she parked herself on the stool opposite Yvonne.
–Hiyis, she said.
–Hiyeh, Sharon.
–Ah howyeh, Sharon.
–Hiyis, said Sharon.
–Are they new, Sharon?
–No, not really.
A lounge boy was passing. Sharon stopped him.
–A vodka an’ a Coke, please, she said.
–Don’t bother abou’ the Coke, Sharon, said Jackie.—I’ve loads here, look it.
–Okay. Thanks, Jackie. A vodka just, she told the lounge boy.
–Anyway, Jackie, said Mary.
The real business of the night was starting.
–Will yeh be seein’ Greg again?
–Tha’ prick! said Jackie.
They laughed.
Jackie had given Greg the shove the Saturday before
–or so she said anyway—in one of those cafe places in the ILAC Centre, after he’d accused her of robbing the cream out of his chocolate eclair.—An’ I paid for the fuckin’ thing! she’d told them the night before.
She was in good form tonight as well. She tapped the table with her glass.
–If he was the last man on earth I wouldn’t go with him.
She took a fair sip from the glass.
–I’d shag the Elephant Man before I’d let him go near me again, the prick.
They roared.
–Yis should’ve seen him with that fuckin’ eclair. I was so embarrassed, I was scarleh, I’m not jokin’ yis, I was burnin’. In his leather jacket an’ his fuckin’ keys hangin’ off his belt, yeh know, givin’ the goo goo eyes to a fuckin’ eclair. It was pat’etic, it was.
–Were yeh goin’ to break it off annyway? Sharon asked her.
–Yeah, said Jackie.—I was thinkin’ about it alrigh’. I was givin’ the matter, eh, my serious consideration.
They laughed.
–Then when I saw him sulkin’; Jesus!
–He was very good lookin’ though, wasn’t he? said Yvonne.—Very handsome.
–Not really, said Jackie.—Not when yeh got up close to him. D’yeh know what I mean?
–Beauty is only skin deep, said Mary.
–It wasn’t even tha’ deep, Mary, Jackie told her.—He had loads o’ little spots on his chin. Tiny little ones now. Millions o’ them. You only noticed them when you were right up against him, an’ then you’d want to throw up.
–There was nothin’ under the leather jacket really.
That’s all he was now that I think of it.
Jackie sighed and took a slug
from her glass.
–A leather jacket.—He was thick as well.
–Come here, Jackie, said Mary.—Was he passionate?
–No, said Jackie.—But he thought he was. Yeh know? He was just a big thick monkey.
–Lookin’ for somewhere to stick his banana, wha’, said Yvonne.
They screamed.
–Yvonne Burgess!
Sharon wiped her eyes.
–He stuck his tongue in me ear once, Jackie told them when they’d settled down again.—An’, I’m not jokin’ yis, I think he was tryin’ to get it out the other one. I don’t know what he fuckin’ thought I had in there.
She laughed with them.
–He licked half me brains ou’. Like a big dog, yeh know.
They roared.
Jackie waited.
–His sense o’ direction wasn’t the best either, d’yis know what I mean?
They roared again.
–Jesus!
–Jackie O’Keefe! You’re fuckin’ disgustin’!
–Wha’?
More vodkas and Cokes and a gin and a tonic were ordered. And crisps.
Then Sharon told them her bit of news.
–I’m pregnant, did I tell yis?
Mary laughed, but the others didn’t. Then Mary stopped.
–Yeah, well, said Sharon.—I am.
–She’s fuckin’ serious, said Yvonne.
No one said anything for a bit. Sharon couldn’t look anywhere. The others looked at one another, their faces held blank. Sharon picked up her glass but she was afraid to put it to her mouth.
Then Jackie spoke.
–Well done, Sharon, she said.
–Thanks, Jackie.
She put the glass down. She was starting to shake. Suddenly she couldn’t breathe in enough air to keep her going.
–Yeah, Sharon. Congrats, said Mary.
–Thanks, Mary.
–Well done, Sharon, said Yvonne.—Yeh thick bitch yeh.
Then they all started laughing. They looked at one another and kept laughing. Sharon was delighted. They were all blushing and laughing. The tears were running out of her and the snot would be as well in a minute. She took up her bag from the floor to look for a hankie.
The laughing died down and became fits of the giggles. They all blew their noses and wiped their eyes.
–Jesus though, Sharon, said Jackie, but she was grinning.
Sharon reddened again.
–I know, she said.—It’s terrible really.
Some questions had to be asked.
First an easy one.
–How long are yeh gone, Sharon? Yvonne asked her.
–Fourteen weeks.
They converted that into months.
–Jesus! Tha’ long? said Mary.
They looked at Sharon.
–You don’t look it, said Yvonne.
–I do, said Sharon.
–I won’t argue with you, said Yvonne.—You’re the expert.
They screamed.
–I’m only messin’, said Yvonne.
Sharon wiped her eyes.
–I know tha’.
–You look the same, said Mary.
–I’ll start gettin’ bigger in a few weeks.
–Well, said Jackie,—you can start hangin’ round with someone else when tha’ happens. No fellas’ll come near us if one of us is pregnant.
They laughed.
–Sharon, said Yvonne.—Who’re yeh havin’ it for?
Your fat da, thought Sharon.
–I can’t tell, she said.—Sorry.
She looked at her drink. She could feel herself going red again.
–Ah, Sharon!
She grinned and shook her head.
–Meany, said Jackie.
Sharon grinned.
–Give us a hint.
–No.
–Just a little one.
Nothing.
–Do we know him?
–No, said Sharon.
–Ah Sharon, go on. Tell us.
–No.
–We won’t tell annyone,
–Leave Sharon alone, said Jackie.—It’s none o’ your fuckin’ business. Is he married, Sharon?
–Oh Jesus! said Mary.
–No, said Sharon.
She laughed.
–You’re scarleh. He must be.
–He’s not. I swear. He’s not—
–Are yeh gettin’ married? Mary asked.
–No. I mean—I mean I don’t want to marry him.
–Are yeh sure we don’t know him?
–Yeah.
–Is he in here?
–Jesus, said Jackie.—If we don’t know him he isn’t here. An’ anyway, would you do it with annyone here?
–I was only fuckin’ askin’, said Yvonne.
She looked around. The lounge was fairly full.
–You’re righ’ though, she said.—It was a stupid question. Sorry for insultin’ yeh, Sharon.
–That’s okay.
–Serious though, Sharon, said Mary.—Do we really not know him?
–No. I swear to God.
–I believe yeh, thousands wouldn’t, said Yvonne.
–Where did yeh meet him?
–Ah look, said Sharon.—I don’t want to talk about it annymore; righ’?
–Let’s get pissed, will we? said Jackie.
–Ah yeah, said Sharon.
–Hey! Jackie roared at the lounge boy.—Get your body over here.
They laughed.
The lounge boy was sixteen and looked younger.
–Three vodkas an’ two Cokes an’ a gin an’ tonic, said Jackie.—Got tha’?
–Yeah, said the lounge boy.
–An’ a package o’ crisps, said Yvonne.
–Ah yeah, said Sharon.—Two packs.
–Do yeh have anny nuts? Mary asked him.
–Jesus, Mary, yeh dirty bitch yeh!
They screamed.
–I didn’t mean it tha’ way, said Mary.
The very red lounge boy backed off and headed for the bar.
Yvonne shouted after him.
–Come back soon, chicken.
–Leave him alone or he’ll never come back, said Jackie.
–Who’s goin’ to sub me till Thursday? said Yvonne.
–Me, said Sharon.—I will. A tenner?
–Lovely.
–He’ll be nice when he’s older, won’t he? said Mary.
–Who? The lounge boy?
Jackie looked over at him.
–He’s a bit miserable lookin’.
–He’s a nice little arse on him all the same, said Yvonne.
–Pity there’s a dickie bow under it, said Jackie.
They stopped looking at the lounge boy.
–Annyway, Sharon, said Jackie.—What’s it like? Are yeh pukin’ up in the mornin’s?
–No, said Sharon.—Well, yeah. Only a couple o’ times. It’s not tha’ bad.
–I’d hate tha’.
–Yeah. It’s bad enough havin’ to get up without knowin’ you’re goin’ to be vomitin’ your guts up as well.
–It’s not tha’ bad, said Sharon.
–Are you goin’ to give up work? Mary asked her.
–I don’t know, said Sharon.—I haven’t thought about it really. I might.
–It’s nice for some, said Yvonne.—Havin’ a job to think abou’ givin’ it up.
–Ah, stop whingin’, said Jackie.
–I wasn’t whingin’.
–Would you really like to be doin’ wha’ Sharon does, would yeh? Stackin’ shelves an’ tha’?
–No.
–Then fuck off an’ leave her alone.
–Are you havin’ your periods or somethin’?
–Yeah, I am actually. Wha’ about it?
–You’re stainin’ the carpet.
The row was over. They nearly got sick laughing. The lounge boy was coming back.
–Here’s your bit o’ fluff, Mary, said Sharon.
–Ah stop.<
br />
–Howyeh, Gorgeous, said Jackie.—Did yeh make your holy communion yet?
The lounge boy tried to get everything off the tray all at once so he could get the fuck out of that corner.
He said nothing.
–Wha’ size do yeh take? Yvonne asked him.
The lounge boy legged it. He left too much change on the table and a puddle where he’d spilt the Coke. Mary threw a beer-mat on top of it.
–Jesus, Sharon, said Jackie.—I thought you were goin’ to have a miscarriage there you were laughin’ so much.
–I couldn’t help it.—Wha’ size d’yeh take.
They started again.
–I meant his shirt, said Yvonne.
They giggled, and wiped their eyes and noses and poured the Coke and tonic on top of the vodka and gin.
–Are yeh eatin’ annythin’ weirdy? Mary asked Sharon.
–No, said Sharon.
–Debbie ate coal, Jackie told them.
–Jesus!
–I wouldn’t eat fuckin’ coal, said Sharon.
–How d’you eat coal? Mary asked.
–I don’t know! said Jackie.—The dust, I suppose.
–My cousin, Miriam. Yeh know her, with the roundy glasses? She ate sardines an’ Mars Bars all squashed together.
–Yeuhh! Jesus!
–Jesus!
–That’s disgustin’.
–Was she pregnant? said Jackie.
–Of course she—Fuck off, you.
They all attacked their drinks.
–He won’t come back, said Jackie.—We’ll have to go up ourselves.
–Come here, Sharon, said Yvonne.—Was it Dessie Delaney?
–No!
–I was on’y askin’.
–Well, don’t, said Sharon.—I’m not tellin’, so fuck off.
–Was it Billy Delaney then?
Sharon grinned, and they laughed.
Sharon put her bag under her arm.
–Are yeh comin’, Jackie?
–The tylet?
–Yeah.
–Okay.
Jackie got her bag from under the table. They stood up. Sharon looked down at Yvonne and Mary.
–Me uterus is pressin’ into me bladder, she told them.
–Oh Jesus!
They roared.
* * *
–Annyway, said Bimbo.—I gave him his fiver an’ I said, Now shag off an’ leave me alone.
–A fiver! said Paddy.—I know wha’ I’d’ve given the cunt.
–I owed him it but.
–So wha’? said Paddy.—Tha’ doesn’t mean he can come up to yeh outside o’ mass when you’re with your mot an’ your kids an’ ask yeh for it.
–The kids weren’t with us. Just Maggie an’ her mother.