“I like you too, but I already told you that.”
“No Eric, that’s not what I meant.”
I’m confusing him, I can tell. His head is level with me now even though his eyes are still level with the table, his head dipped to the side, almost like he’s trying to make sense of what I just said.
Trying to make sense of something that didn’t make any. I don’t see that working out well.
I need to just spit this out. Do exactly what Dr. Thompson told me earlier and tell him the truth, no matter how he takes it. I need to take control of my life and what I want from it.
“Eric, I really like you.”
“I really like you too, Amelia.”
He still doesn’t get it. I can tell. I’m in the freaking friend zone over here and there’s no way out. He’s looking at me now, but it’s not a look that someone who really likes another person wears. It’s just a normal, friendly one.
“What am I missing here?” he asks before leaning across the table toward me, lowering his voice. “You’re frowning.”
“You’re not missing anything,” I say quickly, wanting this awkward moment to be over and desperate now to get up from the table and just head to the movie like we planned on. He doesn’t get it or he doesn’t feel the same and it’s too much. I was right. Putting myself out there wasn’t the right thing. It was all wrong. “Come on, let’s go to the theatre so we can get decent seats and not get stuck at the front.”
I push back on the chair but before I can stand, he reaches out, putting his hand on top of mine and I’m pretty sure the minute it makes contact my heart stops beating.
“You don’t get to deflect. Tell me why you’re upset.”
“It’s nothing.”
“I call bullshit.”
“Well that’s horseshit.”
His lips part and lift into a smile and despite the overwhelming urge I have to kick myself for opening my mouth at all, I smile back. It’s impossible not to do it when I see it because it’s not something that happens all that often. At least it didn’t until a few days ago.
“Well, now that we’ve got the shit talking out of the way, tell me what you’re trying to say but I’m not getting.”
Eric, he’s admitted to me that social situations aren’t easy for him. Maybe that’s the reason he’s not understanding what I’m trying to say. If I focus on everything he told me about himself and also what I’ve been reading about every night before bed, learning as much as I can about what he has to live with, then there’s only one way I can say this that I can be sure he’ll understand.
It’s just going to make me sound like a seven year old when I do.
“Eric, I really like you. As in like-like you. A whole lot of like actually.”
His eyes go wide, but his hand doesn’t move off of mine. If it’s possible I think the way he’s resting it, it’s heavier. Maybe saying it the way I did, no matter how weird it sounded was the right thing after all.
“R—really?”
“Really, Really.”
“Nice one Shrek.”
“That’ll do, Donkey. That’ll do.”
For the first time in weeks, he breaks out into the loudest burst of laughter I’ve ever heard him do and it stuns me into silence. Doing this, the same way we did with Curious George the first time, it’s just so unbelievably easy, natural and I never want it to end. I want to hear him laughing like this all the time. It’s perfect.
“Amelia, I really like-like you too.”
No stammer, stutter or anything else. Just him clearly admitting that the way I feel about him, it’s not just me. It’s mutual.
Holy shit.
Eric Carmen likes me.
Eric
What could have easily been a problem, worked itself out nicely.
It made no sense, her telling me that she liked me. She told me that before and it made no sense why she felt the need to repeat it. I mean, I liked hearing her tell me that she liked me because I feel the same way about her, we are friends, but it just didn’t make sense.
Going a step further and telling me she really liked me, well it was sweet but I still didn’t get it. I don’t get a lot of things when we’re together. I just usually fly by the seat of my pants and hope I don’t make an ass out of myself. With the way she pulled back though, her shoulders dropping, the frown coming across her face even though I’m not sure she realized she did it, I knew I was missing something.
Her attempt at deflecting, blowing it off like nothing, I wasn’t gonna let her do that. I need to understand things. It’s the same thing as my drawing for me. I can’t walk away until I finish it completely and when I don’t get something, I can’t walk away until I get it. So when she tries to stand, I have to stop her.
This is what I warned her about. Not understanding normal communication. I almost hurt her because she thought that the way she was feeling, I didn’t feel the same when the complete opposite is true.
I’ve known how I felt about her for a few days now. It just gets progressively worse with each passing day. Well, not worse exactly, but more pronounced. I find more things about her that I like and want to get to know and when we’re together, I don’t like when we’ve got to separate.
All of this is new to me. I mean, I’ve only had feelings for one girl before and they weren’t anything like this. I think with Cadence, it’s what Thompson would call a crush, but with Amy, it’s something bigger. I really do like her. Every single thing she has buried behind closed doors for everyone else, I know about and like.
She’s one of the strongest people I know and not in the physical way. She’s strong inside, it’s just not something she sees, but the more time we spend together, the more I want to show her. She might have asked me to teach her how to be a friend but from where I’m sitting, she already knows.
Amelia is the one teaching me.
It’s subtle and something I never would have expected from her in a million years, at least not the version of her I knew before, but there’s no denying it. She knows how to be a friend because she’s learned acceptance and understanding and without even knowing it, she’s teaching me at the same time.
I’ve wanted those things for so long, desperate for someone to understand and accept me the way I am, but I never gave a whole lot of thought to giving it back in return. I was tolerant of people, respectful, but I judged people too, Amy and her friends most and worst of all.
We’re learning a different way to be. Together.
“Do you mean that?”
“Mean what?”
“What you just said.”
I know what she’s getting at but for some reason, I want to play with her some more. The Shrek joke, even though it was probably the worst time in the world to say it, she just got and added to. I want to continue being playful with her because I like the way it feels.
Even if this time it’s at her expense.
“I said a few things.”
“Really Eric?”
Her lips pucker and pout and I can’t help but laugh. I might be inept socially but I can tell what she’s trying to do. She’s going to pout at me because I’m picking on her. It’s just another thing about her that I like.
She has no filter either. She doesn’t care what she does, she just does it.
“Yes, Amelia. I meant what I said. I like you, like really really, really like you.”
She blushes and I grin. I never thought I would enjoy this kind of thing, making someone react this way, but I do. It makes me feel really good knowing that I can make her do this. Be a way that she’s never been.
You wanna go to that movie now?”
“Sure.”
“I’ve got a favor to ask first though.” I ask as she stands up from her chair and makes her way out around the table.
“Alright. What’s the favor?”
“Will you…”
“Will I what?” she asks the minute I cut off, second guessing what I’m about to ask her to do.
I know what we just admitted, but is it too soon to want to take things a step further?
“Never mind.”
“Oh no you don’t! You made me tell you what I was thinking when I did that. There’s no way I’m letting you get away with it!” she laughs as I finally get to my feet and find myself standing beside her, our hands dangling at our sides, so close, but still not close enough.
Not as close as I want them to be.
“Um…Will you—hold my hand?”
She smiles and my heart, I’m pretty sure it expands so far in my chest that she’s gonna be able to see it through my clothes. The nervousness I feel, the stutter, the whole moment as awkward as it gets, there’s no reason for any of it. Her smile proves it.
“I’ll do you one better.” She whispers, her body turning until her face is directly in front of mine.
“How so?”
I barely get the words out before she lifts her feet off the ground and leans her body into me, sighing lightly before pressing her lips gently to mine.
Reacting to her move, I back up, breaking the connection, my heart beating so fast it’s physically starting to hurt. It’s only when I gather up the nerve to look at her, forgoing the pain it causes me making eye contact this way that I see what I’ve done.
What she did might be new for me, might even be causing me physical pain but what I did backing away from her, it’s ten times worse. I just did the one thing that would hurt her most, especially with the way she thinks of herself.
It looks like I just broke her heart.
“Amelia—”
“It’s okay. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.” She says, the words coming faster and faster the more she says.
Damnit. I need to fix this.
“I’ve never kissed anyone before. I don’t know how. I didn’t expect it and I didn’t want to suck.”
How pathetic am I right now? Admitting that kissing me was my first time. I’m gonna suck without kissing even playing a part in it. She’s gonna realize just how much of a waste of time I am and bail on me. There’s no way she won’t.
“It’s impossible for you to suck.”
What? Did I just hear her right?
“Do you want to kiss me?” she mumbles, her hands now picking at her sweater the way they did the first day I talked to her, obviously a lot more affected by what I did then I thought. She hasn’t done this for a while, so going back to it now, it’s reminding her somehow of everything that she’s been through, which is the last thing I want.
“More than anything.”
“You mean that?”
“More than anything, Amelia. Will you kiss me again?”
Where I’m expecting her to respond, either tell me no, that I ruined the whole moment and it was over now, or say yes so I could prepare myself mentally for when she would do it again, she does neither. Instead of using words the way I expect, she moves closer to me again and this time, seeing her coming, I do my best to prepare for what’s gonna happen the minute her lips come into contact with mine.
The shock that I’m going to feel the minute we touch, the one that’s gonna linger on my lips before travelling straight through my body. The shock that pulled me away from her the first time because of how surprising it was.
I need to do it first. Now that she’s about to put her lips to mine again, even though I don’t have the first clue what I’m doing or even if I’m gonna do it right, this time it’s gotta me that does it first.
Reaching out to her, bridging the gap between us, I pull her into me and press my lips to hers, harder than before, but not so hard that it feels wrong or that I’m hurting her. I feel the shock again the minute I do it and this time, instead of being freaked by it, I just accept it for what it is.
A connection. Another lifeline. One that I never want to break.
Chapter Seventeen
Amelia
“I’m going to teach you something today, my sweet Amelia. Sadly, your mother never learned it, but I’m gonna make sure you do.”
He’s always teaching me things that he wants me to be better than Mom at. One time he even said that teaching me all of this was gonna make my future husband a very happy man. I’m twelve. The last thing I care about is a husband.
Boys are as gross as he is.
Sliding my shirt off before making quick work of the buttons of my jeans, laying me back on the bed and sliding them off, he motions to the floor.
“Get on your knees, baby girl and do exactly as I say.”
Seeing the look of steel in his eyes, cold, ready to lash out at any moment, I do as he says and slide from the bed until I’m exactly as he wants me. Knees on the floor, my body in direct proportion to the crotch of his pants.
“Undo my belt.” He mutters, his voice husky, obviously turned on already. I’m ready to be sick all over the floor in front of me and he’s enjoying himself. This is all wrong. I need to stop this, it’s not the way things are supposed to be.
“Amelia, focus baby. Undo my belt.”
My hands shaky, I lift them until they’re wrapped around the loops in his jeans and I’m doing as he said, backing up once the belt has been undone. Reaching down, undoing his zipper, sliding his pants down, until they’re hanging around his knees, he follows it up by pulling down his boxers, motioning toward me when he’s done.
“Come closer.”
Sliding my knees across the floor, the shaking now a full tremble through my entire body, I stop the minute his hand comes out, holding my head in place.
“Now wrap your mouth around me. Start by taking a little, but then take more. Take all of me.”
No.
I can’t do this. I know what he wants me to do, we learned about it in school. I can’t do it. This is supposed to mean something, a private moment between two people that love each other. My teacher told me so. It’s not supposed to be like this.
There’s nothing romantic or sweet about this.
“Amelia, do as I say. Put your mouth on me now.”
His voice is angry even though the desire, the husky sound is still there. It’s only after a few minutes of me making no movement toward him that he changes it. Bringing his hands out until they’re both hard on the back of my head, he pushes me forward.
Shoving my mouth on him, pushing until all of his is in my throat, choking me, I scream. It’s muffled but I keep going until he backs away and pushes me away from him.
“You stupid bitch. You’re gonna pay for that.”
Before he can reach out to hit me, it happens, stopping time completely.
I throw up all over him.
~*~*~
Of course this is happening now.
A dark theatre, my body pressed into Eric’s, his arm around me, his head resting comfortably on top of mine. Of course this is going to happen when I’m at peace for the first time in years.
“Are you alright?” I hear him whisper and I shake my head. I’m not going to lie to him, not about this.
“Is this too much for you? Us being this close?”
We’ve been like this for the last thirty minutes so if it was the closeness, I would have been bothered long before now, so again I shake my head. It’s not him at all. It’s me. It’s always me.
It’s made even worse because the stupid flashback, it’s not only in my head. My body reacted too. I’ve never been so disgusted with myself. I’m ruining it already, exactly the way I told Dr. Thompson I would.
“What is it?”
“Memory.”
He removes his arm from around me, bringing it all the way around and back down into his lap and despite knowing that it’s probably not personal, it still hurts anyway. I’m never going to be normal and this kind of thing is going to keep on happening. What Eric deserves, I can’t give him. I’m too defective.
“We’re leaving.”
“Why?”
“You just told me you’re having flashbacks to something that happened with your dad. I think being here is
causing it. We need to go.”
“No.”
‘No?”
“It’s not the place. It’s not you or anything you were doing. It’s just me. This happens a lot. I could be doing absolutely nothing and it can happen. I don’t wanna leave. Please don’t make me leave.”
I’m crying now. I can feel the wetness on my cheeks and I’ve never been so thankful for the lighting than I am right now. He can’t see it, which means at least for a little bit I can keep it from him. I don’t want to make him pity me even more. It’s already hard enough as it is.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
His arm comes back up and before I know it, I’m being pulled back into him, but not as close as before. This time his face is resting against mine and as he turns, I realize why he did it this way. His lips, they graze softly against my cheek. It’s the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me and it feels so good that the tears fall even more until I can’t keep it a secret anymore.
“Amelia…”
My name, it’s like music every time he says it. Right now it’s quiet because he’s whispering it, keeping everything private because he’s as aware as I am of all the people around us, but it doesn’t change anything. I like when he calls me Amelia. The more he says it, the more he erases the memory of the last person to call me it.
“I want to make it stop.”
“What?”
“The flashbacks. I want to take it all away.”
I’m not going to admit it because I think it’s putting too much pressure on him, but I want him to take it all away too. If there’s anyone that could do it, I know it’s him. He might not think he’s capable of much because he’s not like every other guy on the planet, but he’s wrong. It’s because he’s different that I know if anyone could take the pain away, he could.
“Me too.”
“Wolverine or Gambit?”
“What?”
“You like X-Men right? So if you could choose only one, who would you choose?”
“Are those my only choices?” I play along, picking up on what he’s trying to do and liking him even more for it. “Neither?”
Take Me With You Page 16