“No wonder your mum hates me!” he eventually says, releasing his hold on me slightly.
I pull back to look at him. I’m still sat straddling his lap where he put me a while ago, and I see some of the stress and anger leave his features. I don’t want this to weigh him down, either. I want us to move forward together.
“She can’t hate you, Jax; she doesn’t know you. But she’ll come around eventually, and she will love you because you are the kindest, sweetest, gentlest and most loving person I have ever met, and you make me so happy, Jackson Parker. Happier than I ever thought possible. Promise me you won’t let this affect us or bring you down. It’s so in the past, and I want it left there, please.”
“I’m probably going to be angry for a while, but I promise to let it go. I need to worry about you right now, and focus on the future. You’re right - the past is the past, and there is nothing we can do to change it or the decisions we, or others, made.”
I feel like I’ve lost him in some other world as he says the last bit. Something inside me says it’s going to lead on to the reason for his panic attacks.
Jax lays us down but keeps me on top of him. His hands continue caressing my back almost as if he’s in some kind of trance. He stays quiet for long minutes, and I start to think he isn’t going to say anything, but eventually I feel him suck in a deep breath before he begins to tell me his story.
“My family’s always had money. The restaurants that have been passed down make sure of that. My sister and I have never wanted for anything; we had a private education, had all the brands, gadgets and latest fashion crazes. She loved it - she used to flounce around school like she owned the place with all the other rich girls that had Daddy wrapped around their little finger. I, on the other hand, hated it with a passion. I hated all the stuck up little twats I had to go to school with. Everything was about money. If there was a disagreement or a fight, you could guarantee that the cause of it was money in some way. Needless to say, I didn’t really have any friends at school. Thank fuck Mum and Dad didn’t make us board; if they had, I’m pretty sure I’d have found myself expelled just so I could get out of there. Luckily, as you know, my parents are amazing. They just wanted us to have the best education possible. They weren’t like the parents of some of the other kids at school, who would swan off on their exotic holidays while they left their kids behind with a stash of money to do with as they pleased. I used to count down the hours before I could get home and just be me.
“Suzi and I were never really that close with her being a few years older and…well, generally acting like the kids at school that I hated. I used to spend all my time with my cousin, who lived in the housing estate behind our house. We were the same age and were practically like brothers. My aunt and uncle, my mum’s brother, were lovely and always welcomed me in their home in the same way Ben was at ours. I idolised my uncle; he was an artist, the same as my auntie, and at one point he had artwork all around the city. It was insane how good he was. People commissioned him to do all sorts. One of my favourite things to do as a kid was to just sit and watch him work. His skill amazed me.” I understand that, because I do that exact thing to him. I keep still where I am on top of Jax and just listen to him, occasionally placing a soft kiss to his neck where my head is nestled.
“They never had money like we did, though, with them both being self-employed, so Ben went to the local secondary school where I dreamed of going with the normal kids. He was also really talented, and he wanted to be an illustrator. My life outside of school was great; we used to have great times as a family. My mum and aunt were really close friends, so we were all together often, had some holidays together and that sort of stuff.” Jax clears his throat and I take the opportunity to sit up so I can see him and offer my support for what is going to come next. I place my hands on his cheeks to force his eyes to mine. I mouth ‘I love you’ at him and his lips twitch slightly at the corners, but he is obviously too lost in his memories to properly focus on me. He takes my hands in his and looks at something over my shoulder before continuing.
“It all started going south when my nan and gramp, my mum and uncle’s parents, died in quick succession of each other. My uncle took it really badly; he started locking himself in his studio for hours. He wouldn’t see or talk to anyone. He wasn’t working, so my auntie started struggling to support the family with just her money coming in. We didn’t know this at the time - they were both proud people and would never admit they were having money problems. If only they had asked for help. Well, this went on for a while, and he got worse and worse. It was obvious he was depressed, but he wasn’t surfacing for long enough or was sober enough to talk to anyone about it. He must have known about the money situation, which probably made it worse.
“Anyway, it was my mum and dad’s wedding anniversary and we were all having a meal at our house to celebrate. Everyone was there apart from my uncle. I said I’d go and find him while Mum dished up, so I jogged to their house. It was deserted, so I guessed he was in his studio, which was basically a posh shed in the garden. The door wasn’t locked, so I let myself in and found…” I watch as a single tear escapes and runs down his temple. My heart breaks for my man as I see the pain and heartbreak take over all his features. I squeeze his hands in mine for encouragement, knowing that it gets easier once it’s out. “He was hanging from the rafters,” he whispers in a wobbly voice.
“Oh, Jax,” I say, before I lay back down on top of him to comfort him as he starts to cry.
Eventually, his sobs subside and I roll on to my side next to him. I place my hand on his cheek so I can turn his head and place my lips to his. He returns my kiss, but only briefly, because he is soon lying on his back and carrying on from where he left off.
“It was fucking awful. Everyone was a mess, but Ben took it the worst. He just couldn’t understand why his dad would leave him and his mum like that. He went completely off the rails, and as I started sixth form, he dropped out and spent his days bumming around. It was like a switch had flipped in him; one day he was his usual self, then the next he was this manic-depressive who hated the world. My aunt couldn’t deal with him. She was beside herself. We all tried, we did everything we could think of, but at the end of the day it wasn’t enough. When she found him, he was surrounded by packets of pills and a note saying he wanted to be with his dad.”
“Holy shit, Jax. I’m so sorry.” As I hold him tight to me, I can tell he is trying to keep control of his breathing.
“That’s when the panic attacks started,” he says quietly, “Having both of them kill themselves just freaked me out, and I was petrified that everyone else I loved was going to do it as well. I knew at the time it was irrational, but I couldn’t help it. So when Ryan told me they found you and there was loads of blood, I just flipped. The thought of losing you, Abbi…well, I can’t even…”
“Hey, Jax, it’s okay. Don’t go there. I’m fine; everything is fine. I’m not going anywhere.” I lean towards him and give him a kiss that I hope tells him everything I feel for him. I feel his hand come to the back of my head, and we stay like that on the bed for what feels like hours, just kissing and supporting each other after the pain of revealing our pasts.
We had a pretty quiet night after that. We spent ages lying in bed holding each other, but eventually we both got up once my stomach started growling. Jax tried to insist that he bring food to me, but I was more than ready to start getting back to normal life, so instead we had a little picnic of anything we could find in his kitchen on the sofa. Neither of us went to put the TV or any music on. We were both so lost in our own thoughts and happy for it to be quiet around us. Jax did confess to me that he is worried that he might have the depressive gene in him that both his uncle and cousin had, and that he is petrified to be like that. I tried to reassure him that with everything he has been through, it would have showed itself by now if it was there. He seemed happy with my answer, but I could still see the worry in his eyes and I wished more tha
n anything that I could take that and all his pain away. When I started yawning again, Jax pulled me down to his bedroom and we fell fast asleep in each other’s arms.
Chapter Six
Jax
To describe the last few days as emotional would be putting it lightly. I’m still reeling from Abbi’s confession about her past, and can’t believe how something so horrifying hasn’t stopped her from being…well…amazing. I’m in awe of her strength and her ability to bounce back from something like that. I can still feel my own anxiety just bubbling under the surface from telling her about my uncle and cousin. I never talk about what happened, even with my family. It is just too hard to think about, and I don’t want to have to deal with any more panic attacks than necessary. After it all happened, they used to be a daily thing, but as time went on and I managed to cope with it all better, they started getting more irregular. It wasn’t until I met Abbi that they practically disappeared; so did the nightmares. My sleeping hours had been taken over by dreams about her, not the horror of my past, and I welcomed that with open arms. She mentioned earlier about her own nightmares, but with all the nights I have been with her, I have never had any clue she was having any. I wonder if I stopped hers as well. I really hope so.
She’s been asleep in my arms for hours, but I just can’t shut my brain off. Too many thoughts are running rampant.
Today has been amazing. I’d been anxious all morning, knowing Abbi was coming this evening so she could spend the weekend here for Ryan’s birthday surprise, but having her surprise me early at the office wearing the sexiest outfit I think I have ever seen was like all my dreams had come true. I’m sure Molly would kill me though, if she ever found out we had sex over the desk! Oh well! Needs must and all that!
We’ve had a great night at Ryan’s. The look on his face when he came home slightly worse for wear and found everyone here was brilliant. I can’t believe everyone managed to actually keep it all a secret from him. Tomorrow, Molly has arranged for his parents to come, which everyone is shocked about because Ryan’s mum hates Molly. I’m really looking forward to meeting the woman. From the little I have heard about her she sounds…um…interesting! Abbi met my parents a few weeks ago for my birthday. They loved her from the second she walked through the door. Now, every time my mum rings, she seems more interested about Abbi than she is me - not that I care, because it shows they love her as much as I do.
“So, what’s the plan for tomorrow, baby?” I ask Abbi as I look down at her. We’ve just attempted to have quiet sex due to the fact her little sister is asleep on the other side of the wall, and her protective big brother, who still doesn’t really like me, is just down the hall, but I’m not entirely sure how successful we were. I tend to lose all control when we are together, and I know for a fact that Abbi does as well. I love watching her come apart under my hands.
“I don’t know, we’ll probably just do boring family stuff. I wouldn’t want to force it on you. You go and do whatever you need to do, meet some friends or something. I’ll try to sneak off at some point to spend some time with you,” she says, looking a little nervous.
“Oh. Time with you is never boring, Abbi. Whatever your family decide to do will be fine. The only plans I’ve got this weekend are to spend as much time with you as possible, so whatever you are doing, I’ll be doing it too.”
“No, really, it’ll be boring. You go, and I’ll just see you in the afternoon.”
“Do you not want me meeting your family or something, Abbi?” I have had my concerns about this for a few weeks, but I kept pushing it away. Then, a couple of weekends ago, we went to Liverpool so Abbi could show me where she grew up. We were walking down the high street when all of a sudden she dragged me into a shop in a panic. When I asked her what the problem was, she said she’d seen one of her mum’s friends and that she really wasn’t in the mood to get stuck talking to her for ages, so she hid. I’m starting to think that maybe I was the reason - that she didn’t want me meeting her mum’s friend.
“No, it’s not that, it’s just…” she trails off, looking unsure of herself.
“Just what, Abbi? Because from where I’m sitting, it sure looks that way. You’ve gone out of your way to stop me meeting your parents,” I say, remembering how that same weekend I suggested we go out for a meal with her parents so I could meet them, but she came up with some excuse about them having friends round for dinner and that they’d be busy, even on the Sunday morning.
“No, they just…wouldn’t understand. Mum wouldn’t understand.”
“Understand what, Abbi?” I’m starting to get really pissed off now. I’m really not into this cryptic shit - just tell me how it is. `don’t fluff around the subject.
“She wouldn’t understand us…you,” she says in a quiet voice.
“WHAT?” Now I really am pissed. “She wouldn’t understand me?” I shout at her as I jump out of bed and make a grab for my clothes.
“No, you’re just not what she will want.” She can’t even look at me now.
“I’m not what your mother wants. Well, fucking great. I thought I was with you, not your mother.” With that, I pull my top over my head and storm towards the door.
“Jax, no, please don’t go.”
“Why not, Abbi? Come on, tell me I’m wrong. TELL ME!” I shout starting to lose control of my anger. The woman I love more than anything is basically telling me I’m not good enough. That what we have isn’t good enough to introduce me to her bloody mother.
I storm down the stairs with her hot on my tail. I need to get away from her and calm down before I say something I really don’t mean.
“Jax, that isn’t what I meant…” Abbi screams from behind me as my feet hit the hallway floor.
I head towards the front door as I say, “Yes, it fucking was. You’re ashamed of me. I’ve been trying to tell myself for weeks now that it’s all in my head, but you just confirmed all my fears. You don’t think I’m good enough for you and your family.” My voice sounds menacing, even to my own ears.
“No…Jax, please,” she begs as she starts to cry.
“No, I’m done with this bullshit. I thought we had something good here, but clearly only one of us thinks that. Was I just an easy fuck for you? Was that it?” I snap back as I hear Molly’s bedroom door open, but I don’t look back.
“We do have something good here. Jax, please don’t do this.”
“You should have thought about that before you said what you did upstairs. Goodbye.” I say, before I pull the door open and storm out of the house as I listen to Abbi shout at me to come back through her sobs.
Fuck, what have I done?
Something brings me from my sleep. My heart is racing and I am sweating slightly. Thinking it must just be the panic caused from dreaming about the night I left Abbi stirred up, I try to fight it and get back to sleep. I sat in my car hour hours after I left the house that night. I had one hell of a panic attack as what I had just done settled in. I’d left her, the love of my life. What the fuck was I thinking? Why should I care what her mother thinks? I knew I was too drunk to drive home, so I just sat there with my car running with the heater on full blast while I tried to calm down and think about what to do.
“Nooo,” being screamed from my left scares the shit out of me. “Nooo please, no,” she screams again and begins sobbing.
Shit, it must have been Abbi that woke me up. I turn to look at her to see her thrashing around with tears running down her face. “Baby, it’s okay,” I say gently, trying to wake her, but it does nothing. I grab her shoulders and shake her gently. “Abbi, baby…wake up, you’re having a nightmare.”
Suddenly, her eyes pop open and she looks scared shitless. I pull her sweaty body to mine and hold her tight, while whispering in her ear that everything is okay and that I love her.
“I’m sorry, I haven’t had a nightmare like that in years. Talking about it must have dragged it up.”
“It’s okay, baby.” I lie us both back down an
d hold her until we both doze off again.
When I wake up the next morning, the bed is cold and she isn’t there. I instantly feel the panic I felt when I woke up in the night resurface as I try to get my sleep-addled brain to function.
Abbi
I managed to sleep for a few more hours after my nightmare, but eventually I got fed up and pulled myself away from Jax, who was still fast asleep, trying desperately not to wake him.
I sit myself at his breakfast bar with a coffee and my phone. I heard it go off when we were talking yesterday, but I completely forgot. I’ve got messages from Liv and Caleb asking if I’m okay. Caleb is also apologising for causing any issues with Jax. I reply to both and reassure Caleb that it’s all fine, but have to apologise myself for telling Jax his secret.
When I feel like it’s late enough, I find my tutor’s number and hit the call button.
Once I have all the information I need, I make myself another cup of coffee before ringing Ryan to find out if he’ll be at the office with Molly later, because I need his help.
“Hey, baby, I missed waking up next to you,” Jax says as he wraps his arms around my shoulders and kisses my head.
“Sorry, I couldn’t sleep any longer. I think I’ve had my fill over the last few days.”
“What have you been doing? I heard you talking.”
“I rang my tutor to try to sort everything out with me being off.”
“Will it all be okay?”
“Yeah, it’ll be fine.” I don’t go into detail because I don’t know if what I’m planning will be a possibility yet, and I don’t want to get his hopes up. “Don’t forget, I’ve got an appointment before your meeting with Molly later.”
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