Preparing myself to ride it out with open eyes, I laid my hands on his chest, bracing myself as my breathing became more erratic. Though our eye contact didn’t break, I noticed him unzipping and pulling his cock free from the jeans. He unleashed something inside of me that I’d never known existed. For the first time in my life, I felt like my own sexual being. I wanted him. I wanted sex.
When he used his thumb to press his cock toward me, my body clenched and I spread my legs a little wider. Desire swam in his eyes.
As the tip of his cock parted me open for the second time that night, his hands held snuggly to my ass, keeping me in place.
“You’re a resilient little sucker,” I whispered as my eyes rolled back when he entered me completely.
“Mmm. You have no idea,” he groaned. “I could never get enough of you.”
He stayed deep for a few seconds watching my face, then pulled out far enough to slide back into place.
“Ah,” I moaned. It had been so long.
“Wrap your legs around me,” he ordered, lifting me off the counter. “Beck doesn’t need to see this. Pull the door shut as we go by.”
I did. Closing the door behind us. I called bullshit on his words earlier about him not being a good man to be around Beck. He was perfect.
The way in which he laid me on the bed…it was if I was the rarest of stones that he didn’t want to break. He pushed my hands above my head.
“Hold on to the bars.”
I grabbed the cold iron bars on the headboard, nervous that he might hurt me unintentionally—bracing myself for him to enter me again. But when he reached up, clicking something around my wrist then grabbing the other wrist and doing the same, I wasn’t nervous any more. I was furious. The cold handcuffs wrapped both my wrists with them locked behind the bars.
“Jackson, unlock me.”
“No way,” he said in a voice so low, my entire groin pinched.
“Jackson.” I said his name in a threatening tone.
“Mela,” he mimicked me with a cockeyed grin. “Remember keeping me locked up…and touching me while you thought I was asleep?”
There was no blood to rush to my face…it was being held against its will below my waist.
“Please. Please,” I begged.
“No need to beg. I’m going to please you.”
When he wedged himself between my legs again, his face rested for a moment against my inner thigh while he stared at me.
“I’m going to leave in exactly two days, Mela. I have things I need to take care of back home. But I want to come back. I’ve got to figure out how to make this work.”
His tongue licked slowly up my center until it found my clit. I yanked on the cuffs as if they’d break with sheer will.
“This isn’t fair,” I huffed.
For a moment, he stopped his tormenting assault and said, “And just think, you don’t even have a gun pointed at you.” Immediately, his tongue, all warm and velvety, began circling and flicking and sucking and doing everything I needed it to do…so perfectly. My hips arched up to meet his mouth, and I was scared to come again. Everything felt so out of my control. I liked control.
“Let it go, Mela.”
How did he know me so well…already?
“And tell me. Say it out loud. I want to hear that you’re gonna come for me.”
God, his words. His mouth. “I’m going to come for you…” I panted as the feeling I’d only felt twice in my life surfaced again. The feeling I’d wanted to experience for so long but for whatever reason was unable to…it was here again, and I never wanted to be without it.
“God, Jackson,” I gasped as my abdomen fired off sending a swell of tingling sensations radiating out over my body.
“I want to devour this pussy,” he growled as I rode out the feeling, then slowly recovered from the rush. He grabbed my ankles and held onto them. From his knees, he gently pushed into me once again.
I wanted him to devour me. I’d never been devoured before. I’d never allowed myself to be devoured.
“Mela. You want to be fucked, baby. I’m going to fuck you so good that you won’t remember your own name. But I guarantee you…you will never forget mine.”
“Oh…God,” I sighed. I thought being talked to like that would make me feel disrespected…but it only powered my new addiction.
Fifteen minutes ago, I’d wanted to kick him out of my house. Now, he was balls deep inside of me with desire burning in his eyes. My hands were bound so I couldn’t control his depth. I couldn’t stop him. He settled into a rhythm…a pace that stimulated my clit. Jesus, I had tried to get myself off a hundred times and my mind, my will, nothing ever allowed me to get there. Add a sexual god into the mix and bam. Orgasm. Plural.
I needed my hands to hold onto his hips. To pace him. To prevent him from ripping me apart. From destroying my uterus. I fought to push my legs together, to help brace for impact. Yet, every time I tried to drive my knees together, he’d part them, forcing my knees to my chest.
He was right. For the life of me, I couldn’t remember my name, but his was like a mantra in my head. My brain chanted his name repeatedly over the next thirty minutes that he pounded into me—sometimes slowly and deliberately, then sometimes quick and intense.
It wasn’t until a deep moan scraped up his throat that I knew he was going to come again. His impatient thrusts grew deeper just before he pulled out once again. This time, he came all over my pussy. Hot spurts of his come drenching me—mingling with my own juices.
Even through the darkness, I could see a look of satiation on his face. There was nothing about this that felt dirty; I simply felt wonderful that I pleased him too.
Finally, he lay next to me; he unlocked my wrists and gently massaged my aching shoulders. His hands so powerful as he rubbed, yet so gentle earlier. As he dropped kisses over my wrists, he paid special attention…tribute to the scars on my wrists. Kissing them.
He didn’t go to the bathroom. He didn’t go to the kitchen. He cuddled up next to my body surprising me. I was spent. I had nothing to give. Maybe still reeling from being sick…I wasn’t sure, but exhaustion settled into my bones and I slept.
When I woke a few hours later, I panicked. Beck! I sat straight up and Jackson grabbed me.
“I gave him some medicine,” he whispered.
“Did he see us? Together?”
“No. You fell asleep and I went and checked on him. He was hot. So I woke him and gave him some medicine. He’s resting again.”
My heart swelled so much it hurt. “Thank you.” My voice broke.
He extended my arm and at first I thought his tongue was stroking where the handcuffs had been. It wasn’t until he asked that I realized.
“Tell me about these.” His tongue traced delicately over the scars. It’s odd how he made me forget just a little about all my scars.
My body seemed to sink into the mattress.
“Please,” he asked as his fingers skated up my arm.
Only two other men knew this story. Rock and…Ian.
“I’d like to check on Beck then I’ll tell you, ok?”
He pulled the covers back, allowing me to get up.
I hadn’t stood naked in front of a man for so long, but there was something freeing about letting Jackson stare at me as I slid a t-shirt over my head and a pair of sweats on. His eyes penetrated me in a completely different way.
In the other room, I took a minute to breathe. To take in the past few days…the past few hours. It really had been a cat and mouse game with this man. We’d each taken our turns at being juvenile and petty. Both allowed our insecurities to get the best of us. I’d physically prepared over the past four years for anything that might come our way. Yet emotionally, the desire to be wanted and loved was simply dormant. I had a story to tell. It wasn’t a pretty one, but it was still mine. The possibility of rejection was paralyzing. But it hit me while I stood there feeling the aftershocks of him quaking my world, that rejection didn’t nec
essarily mean that I wasn’t not good enough, it just meant that maybe he wouldn’t see what I was worth. And in the end, that was ok. When it came time for him to leave us…I knew that we would be ok.
Chapter 15
JACKSON
I never expected to get this attached…
“He doin’ ok?” I asked as she walked back into the bedroom.
Her lithe shoulders jetted up and back down. “His fever seems to be down. He’s sleeping.”
As she started to get into bed, I whistled quietly. “Lose the shirt.”
Her teeth came down on her bottom lip. “I’d like to keep my shirt on, you know, just in case.”
“OK, I understand.” I didn’t want her shirt between us. I liked the feel of her skin against mine, but I did understand.
I’d propped myself up with pillows piled behind me and I lifted my arm for her—an invitation to cuddle up beneath it. She did. As if reading my mind, she nestled into the crook, and I secured her next to me. I knew this would be hard for her—she’d clearly tried to hurt herself, so I dropped a kiss on the top of her head.
“Talk to me,” I whispered.
After a deep breath, it was obviously go time.
“I have a sister. She’s…a porn actress.” The minute the words were out, she sighed. “I…have always struggled with that. Maybe just her in general…I don’t know. Trust me, I feel awful saying that out loud. Have you ever had anyone in your life that has done something that embarrassed you? Or that impacted you? Changed your life?”
I hid the sardonic chuckle… if she only knew. I’d never been more embarrassed or impacted in my entire life than the past year because of my father. Though through it all, I’d never wanted to hurt myself—him, yes, but not myself. Anyone bringing her pain angered me.
“She’s my twin.” Her voice was so quiet, I could barely hear her. This was information that I wasn’t aware of.
“You’re a twin?”
She nodded.
“So because of that and because of her lifestyle, sometimes people confused me for her.”
Ouch. That made sense though. I intertwined my fingers with hers, trying to give her a boost to get through the story.
“We were at the same college. I left to get my masters at a different college to run away from her reputation. I had to get away because people recognized me there. I got a job—a dream job for me. I was a music therapist at ranch for troubled kids.”
I smiled inside and out. She would be perfect for that. “I could see you on a ranch. Why did you leave?”
Her entire body stiffened next to me.
“I ran from there too.”
My mind went several directions at once. I wondered what could have happened on the teen ranch to make her leave, and no explanation was good.
“Wanna tell me?”
“Not really.”
“Maybe I can help.”
“It was six years ago. Nothing can change it. There were four guys and…” She paused, but my entire body braced for impact.
“Ok.” That was the only two letters that broke free from my clenched jaw.
“Some of the employees from the ranch went out one evening. I had a drink or two. We were having fun. Noticed these guys looking at their phones then up at me with that familiar expression on their faces. I figured they were watching my sister do her “thing” on the screen thinking it was me.” She exhaled. “After my friends dropped me off, there was a knock at the door a minute or two later. They’d barely had time to leave. But I still opened the door without looking.”
As she shook her head, my fist she wasn’t holding clenched. I’d learned over the course of the past few years of litigation that controlling your anger was crucial. Though my heart thudded in my chest, I fought to control my reaction.
“I was already this…this…sexual cripple. I’d never been with anyone. Watching her. Seeing what she had become and the things she did—I’d become this sexual mute.”
Jesus. Why couldn’t I have been there? My breathing escalated as hard as I battled for it not to. Is this why she stayed isolated? I’d kill them for her. I would never let anyone near her or Beck.
“Are you awake?” she asked.
Was she fucking kidding me? “Yes. I’m awake. What happened?” I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to sleep again. The need to protect her had become my priority. The two guns in this house were no longer enough. I would get more.
“They pushed their way in. They said awful things. Did awful things.”
Her chest heaved in and out as the words came.
“One of the guys held me down while the other yanked my panties down. It wasn’t difficult, I was wearing a dress.”
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
“I was really lucky. They didn’t rape me. They spread my legs. Made horrible comments about how bad my…my pussy had been beat up. One guy videoed all of it.”
She used air quotes when she said pussy.
“I’d never been with anyone,” she gritted.
“What did he video?”
She shook her head again. “One of them fingered me while the other got off all over me.”
“You told no one?” I asked, incredulously. There was no longer a chance of keeping my emotions under control. I bolted upright, raking my fingers through my hair.
“No,” she said sitting upright as well.
“You were lucky? Lucky, Mela? That is rape!”
Immediately, she shook away my words. “No. No.”
Dragging my fingers through my beard, I stared at her. Fear settled in her eyes. I had to maintain my composure. After sliding on my jeans, I knelt on the bed, quickly taking her hands in mine.
“I want to find them. I’m a prosecutor. I want them to pay.”
“Those boys? No. I just want them to stay away. They have a video and…”
“Even the more reason. I will kill them, Mela. Dead. Fuck the justice system.” I blocked thoughts of what I would do to them. “I never want to see you hurt. Is that why you have the guns?”
She swallowed hard, closing her eyes. I wasn’t sure what that meant.
“Come back to the city. Come with me. I’ll protect you and Beck. Somehow.”
Still in bed, she wrapped the sheet around her like armor. “Jackson. I can’t. Listen to me. When I moved out here, I was weak and afraid. I learned to shoot. And through some of the best friends I’ve ever met, I grew physically and emotionally stronger. They are on the other side of that mountain. I still need them.”
“How do I leave you out here? Leave Beck?”
“I can’t answer that. You just…go.”
The words seemed to taste terrible coming out of her mouth because her entire face grimaced.
I sat silent for a few minutes before the words managed to find their way out, “I have to go. And I will…in about 36 hours. But, I promise you, I will be back.”
She nodded silently and simply held her hand out in a plea that almost broke my heart. I gently clasped her shaking hand in mine and crawled in next to her, pulling her close against my chest. She buried her head in my shoulder, and the warmth of her hot tears burned into my soul.
When I woke up that next morning, I heard someone singing. The space next to me was empty, which meant Mela must have gotten up, hopefully before Beck saw us.
Jesus loves me…this I know.
For the Bible tells me so.
My heart plummeted to the pit of my chest as I listened to her sing. The angelic tone in her voice touching a place deep in my soul—a place that no greater being had ever touched.
Little ones can do no wrong.
They are weak but he is strong.
Yes, Jesus loves me.
Yes, Jesus loves me.
Yes, Jesus loves me.
For the Bible tells me so.
“Again, Mommy.”
Beck’s voice was soft, weak.
My body seemed frozen in time as her voice continued to resonate in my head. As if her attentive
ness, tenderness and affection weren’t enough…the woman was beautiful and warm and innocent in so many ways. But she also had the voice of an angel. My angel.
“You need to say your prayers, Beck. Talk to God about the things you are thankful for. Ask for forgiveness if there is something you’ve done that you shouldn’t.”
I scratched my head, suddenly ashamed of some of the things I’d done. Guilt pulsed through my veins. I needed to do the same. Forgiveness was waiting, right?
“God bless Mommy and Daddy in heaven. Bless Aunt Ari and Rock. God bless Layne and Molly and Grace and Syd and Bella and Kimber. And God Bless Jackson. Please God, let him stay. And please let me feel better today, God. Aman.”
His words about me caught me off guard.
“It’s Amen, buddy.”
“Amen,” Beck repeated.
“And Beck, we talked about Jackson. He has to leave.”
“Why can’t we keep him, Mommy?”
“He’s not ours to keep, buddy.”
An unfamiliar pang ricocheted through my body, leaving a lump in my throat. I was totally unprepared for them to round the corner. I licked over my dry lips, trying to force a smile. I could tell by her face, she knew I’d heard.
“Good morning,” she said, forcing a smile of her own.
“Jackson!”
Beck’s little arms were wrapped around me before I realized. Even as I picked him up giving him a squeeze, my eyes never left her rounded ones—full of questions. Beck smelled soapy and was still feverish. When his head rested on my shoulder, his fiery skin burned through the shirt.
“Has he had meds?” I asked.
“I was just coming in to get some.”
“I want to lay in Mommy’s bed,” he whispered.
There was something sacred about that bed to me after last night. That was our bed now. Mela’s and mine. Beck was an extension of her so—it was his bed too. I could share with him. Only him.
After Mela gave him medicine, he settled in to watch a movie on a tablet. She and I sat in the kitchen where I drank coffee and she started to peel potatoes for dinner.
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