I hear her out, and my heart fills with appreciation for all she’s tried to do for me since the moment I first held that paperback copy of Pride and Prejudice. My heart fills also with the pain of love’s loss — one she’s carried with her for far, far too long.
I love you, Jane, and I’m indebted to you, I tell her. I’m so honored to be the one you chose…I can’t tell you how much. But now you need to let me handle my own destiny. Or at least the tiny bit of it I control. I promise I’ll try to make you proud.
Chapter 18
If you will thank me…let it be
for yourself alone…your family
owe me nothing. Much as I
respect them, I believe I thought only of you.
— Pride and Prejudice
Four hours later, at the reception, the Glen Forest Four Seasons Hotel glitters with tiny white lights on the outside but, on the inside, in Di and Alex’s reception ballroom (the Manitoba Room, not the Winnebago), the color scheme sparkles with deep violets, smooth lavenders and accents in lilac.
The lovely dinner, complemented by good wine and humorous, heartfelt toasts to the couple, has ended. The photogenic cake-cutting ritual has, likewise, passed. And, at last, the dance party begins.
“Oh, my God,” Di says, pointing at Sam and the just-arriving, hunky-looking DJ, who are busy making final adjustments to the sound system. “You know who that is, don’t you?”
I study the DJ’s chiseled profile but can’t recall any similarity to anyone in our acquaintance. “No,” I say.
“It’s Wild Ted in the Morning!”
“Can’t be.”
Di grins. “Yeah, it can be. WXRJ’s Wild Ted. He always does the weekday morning show and those eighties retrospectives you love.”
“How can you be so sure that’s him?”
“Seen him on a billboard out near O’Hare, and he was a guest VJ on VH1 once.”
“Oh, wow,” I say. “I never would’ve guessed he looked like that. I mean, he sounds great on the air and everything, but DJs aren’t usually so — ”
“Scandalously gorgeous?” Di concludes for me. I nod. “Yeah,” she says. “But he’s also got one of the most famous voices in Chicago. I wonder what your Sam had to do to convince him to come here…and last minute like this.”
“He’s not my Sam,” I say, mentally adding not yet, “and I don’t know.” But Di is right to wonder. Getting Wild Ted to work a non-celebrity wedding on one of his free Saturday nights has to be an expensive venture, even if there’s some kind of favor-payback involved. “I’ll go ask Sam how much we owe him.”
Di nods, worrying her lip a bit.
I walk around the edge of the dance floor, approaching Sam and the DJ just as they flip on the microphone.
“Helllloooo, Barnett and Evans families! Let’s give a shout out to the reunited newlyweds, Di and Alex!” The DJ pauses while everyone cheers. “Congratulations, you lovebirds, and welcome to all your friends. I’m Wild Ted — ” brief pause for delighted gasps, “and I’m here to kick off this rockin’ party with the first dance. By bridal request, here’s Billy Idol’s ‘White Wedding’!”
I catch Sam’s eye as the distinctive electric-guitar opening bursts through the speakers. He winks at me, and I walk to meet him at the corner of the dance floor.
“So, is this good?” he asks.
I reach for his hands, squeeze his strong fingers, feel the current flowing between us. “This is great, but Wild Ted…how on earth did you — ” I shake my head. “This had to take more than a phone call, Sam. We’ll pay you back, of course, but — ”
“No, you won’t.” Sam brings my fingers to his lips and starts to sway as if we’re beginning to dance. “Consider it my wedding gift to your sister.”
“Quite a wedding gift.”
“Quite a wedding,” he replies, eyeing Di and Alex with a raised brow. “Besides, my motives were ultimately selfish. I really was only thinking of you, Ellie…and how much I wanted to dance with you tonight.”
“Oh,” I say, the crazy pounding in my chest becoming more frenzied at these words. “Well, of course we can — ”
“Excuse me,” Nick says behind me. I turn to look at Alex’s brother. A good-looking guy, to be sure, and a nice one, but he’s just not Sam. I’m coming to understand that nobody, no matter how smart or attractive, is Sam…except for Sam. An obvious concept for most people, but a real lightning-bolt realization for me.
“We’re going to need to join the wedding party in a sec, El,” Nick says. To Sam he explains, “The best man and maid of honor have to dance after the bride and groom.”
“That’s right,” I whisper, shooting Sam an apologetic look.
Sam nods and points to his watch. “Okay, but I demand a rain check within the hour.”
I smile at him. “You got it.”
So Nick and I dance, and it’s all very pleasant, effortless, uncomplicated…and utterly bland except for the erotic vibes I’m getting from the blue-eyed doctor across the parquet floor.
Wild Ted begins working his way through Di and Alex’s musical request list, featuring artists like Edie Brickell and the New Bohemians, Fine Young Cannibals, The Fixx and many other less-than-traditional wedding selections. When the sounds of Men Without Hats pour through the speakers, a lively cheer rises from the crowd and someone shouts, “Hey, dudes, c’mon! Let’s all do the ‘Safety Dance’!”
At that I leave Nick to his girlfriend and glance around for Sam. He’s disappeared for the time being, so I seek out Angelique and Terrie. The three of us converge near the dessert table, chatting, nibbling on apricot-filled butter cookies and watching as Di and Alex’s buddies take to the floor with spirited fortitude. It’s hilarious.
“You going to force Everett out there?” I ask Terrie.
She shakes her head solemnly. “For me, it’s Wang Chung or nothing.”
Angelique laughs. “I’m holding out for Bananarama. How about you, Ellie?”
“It’d take a pretty phenomenal song to get me to make a fool of myself like that,” I say, chuckling. “At the moment, I can’t think of one that would qualify.”
“Hi, ladies,” Sam says, appearing at my elbow from out of nowhere. “Enjoying the music?”
“Yeah,” Terrie says. She exchanges a look with Angelique and me, glances at Sam, then onto the dance floor, then back at me. It’s high school all over again. “You know this is way weird.”
“Très weird,” Angelique contributes with a grin.
I nod and Sam’s face reddens a bit.
“I know,” he admits to us. “Plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose. The more things change…” He winks at me, clears his throat and kind of laughs. “Um, Ellie?”
“Yes?”
“I came over here to tell you something.”
“What’s that?” I notice my cousin and my friend aren’t even pretending not to listen in.
He clears his throat a second time. “I just wanted you to know we’ve got Spandau Ballet coming up soon.”
I emit a sound that’s a cross between “Uh” and “Hmm” before feeling my face flush hot.
“I was hoping we could dance,” Sam says.
And then, as if on cue (which, God knows, it probably is), Wild Ted’s voice booms out to us. “Got a song my buddy Sam requested for the lovely sister of the bride. Ellie, if you’re out there listening, this one’s for you.”
“True” begins playing.
I stand in place, rooted to the floor by my deep purple pumps and the knowledge that Sam’s taken more than just tiny figurative steps today. This isn’t a mere fantasy. It’s not fading away. And neither is he.
“C’mon,” he says. “Dance with me? Please.”
So, I let him lead me to the floor and, for the first minute of the song, we’re out there alone. There are no sounds, save for the music playing and the shuffling of our feet. My family and friends are watching us, protecting me in their cocoon of affection until they realize I’m fin
e. Okay, more than fine.
Then everyone turns their attention back to their own lives, and the dance floor fills with other couples.
Sam finally speaks. “Thank you,” he says.
“For what?”
“For being you. For being a part of my life for ages. For forgiving me…” He eyes me as if this last part is still open to debate.
I grin at him. Truth is, I forgave Sam for everything so long ago it seems like ancient history. But I guess I’d needed the time to forgive myself — for squandering all those years thinking I could replace him with someone else, someone I considered less challenging.
“Boy, I’ll bet Stacy Daschell would like to dance again to this song,” I say, teasing him now because I know I can. “She’s been married and divorced a few times already, but she’s single these days. You might want to look her up.”
He leans in and whispers in my ear, “You know damn well I was only trying to make you jealous that night. You drove me freakin’ insane dancing with Jason. I chose Stacy because I was sure that’d get to you and because she was too drunk to remember much of anything. But it was you all along, Ellie. And you, my sweet, sexy little brainiac — ” He glances down at my formfitting dress. “You always knew that, didn’t you?”
Ah, well. Being honest with yourself is the last frontier, isn’t it?
I nod, finally giving myself permission to trust my instincts. Sam draws me nearer. The song’s chorus plays again, and I relax into his embrace.
Jane makes a last-ditch effort to test my resolve by applying her nearly unerring sense of logic. Are you certain you wish to go down this path? she asks, her voice worried. Do you not remember your own emotions at witnessing his behaviour? Do you not recall with clarity his treatment of you? From the very first this man has abused your kindness. Long ago you called him a coward and an idiot. You said you were glad to be rid of him. Are you quite sure you can think otherwise now?
I silently assess the messages Sam sent me this week. Three days ago he made an oral declaration of love. He spent today in action, solving our family’s wedding crisis. He not only telegraphed romantic interest verbally and nonverbally in private, he had it announced by microphone tonight. At an event with two hundred people. Many of whom would dismember him if he hurt me.
Sam Blaine always had smarts. Now he’s gained courage, too.
Have I?
Think, Ellie! You even made a wordplay on his initials once, Jane reminds me. It was, as he richly deserved, a less-than-flattering association.
I laugh at this. That’s right. S.O.B. Sam “the Obnoxious” Blaine. But, Jane —
Precisely. You deduced the weakness of his character at a remarkably young age.
But that was the problem. I was a teen then, not much older than a child. And so was he. Don’t you think I could’ve misinterpreted his behavior, or that maybe he changed?
No. I do not believe — Jane begins.
“Hey, Sam,” I say aloud. “What’s your middle name?”
He squints at me. “Uh, Randolph.” He looks supremely embarrassed by this admission. “Why?”
“Randolph,” I repeat out loud, emphasizing it for Jane’s benefit. “Wouldn’t have guessed that one.” Then, to Jane, And neither did you. We, neither of us, were completely fair. We didn’t try to discover anything new about him. We stayed stuck in the past and —
Oh, dear child, after he used you so ill, I could have dubbed him with a far more fitting middle name, Jane says hotly, clearly still wounded on my behalf and exhibiting her loyalty to the end. Fiend, Devil, Brute. Any of these would suffice.
“What did you think it was?” Sam asks me.
I shrug. “No idea, Sam. It just goes to show how many little details I still have to learn about you.” To Jane, And that’s merely the tiniest of examples. He’s matured. We must look at him as he is NOW.
I dislike immensely what I see, Jane says stubbornly. Your heart is in grave danger, and I believe you are blinded to it.
Am I, Jane? Or, perhaps, are you the blind one this time? Tell me, have you any objection to the grown-up Sam Blaine other than your belief of my continued emotional peril when in his presence?
I confess I do worry for you, she says, though she avoids answering my question. I suspect him to be a proud, unpleasant man, interested in no one but himself.
I don’t buy that, I tell her. And I’m betting he’d be fascinated by YOU if I ever told him about our relationship.
She sighs. Again, my concern is on your behalf. I fear Mr. Blaine has never been, and is not now, worthy of you or your affection.
Maybe. Maybe not. The point is, Jane, I don’t know. And I WON’T know unless I give him a chance, as an adult.
I could not stand to witness your hurt at his hands the first time, Ellie. My months away from you then were not solely in anger. I, too, felt your injury and required some distance. So I am cautious, my friend, and I wonder how you can be certain he will not destroy your heart a second time.
I can’t, I admit. But it’s a risk I’m willing to take and, for once, I’m not being childish about this, Jane. I’m not going against your wisdom out of fear, arrogance or immaturity. You’re the one who’s always talking about Lessons and Reasons and Purposes that must be revealed in time…Well, I’m convinced Sam’s path and mine are meant to intersect somehow. That everything in my life has led to this moment and —
“Ellie, where the hell are you?” Sam says.
“What?” I realize I stopped dancing and he caught me staring into space during my debate with Jane. “Oh, sorry, just thinking.”
Sam shakes his head. “No. It’s more than that. I swear to God, half the time I tried talking with you in high school, and even afterward, it was like you were listening to voices or something. I could never get your full attention.”
He scores his fingers through his hair and scowls at me, his forehead creased, his eyes pained. “What’s the deal with that? I can fight against a real opponent, and I will if you want me to, but I can’t battle your memory of someone more important. Are you sure there isn’t somebody else, Ellie?”
I gape at him, half impressed, half stunned. No one has ever called me on this before. No one. See, Jane, I say, triumphant. In his own way, he’s known about you all along. He’s the only person who’s paid close enough attention.
She sighs loudly, but I can tell she’s wavering a bit.
“Sam,” I say to him, “I can assure you there is no other man in my life. You’re the one I want. The one I’ve always wanted. And, yeah, there are raging arguments in my head sometimes, and there probably always will be. But I love you, Sam Blaine.” I look deep into his blue eyes, his pupils so dilated that, if I didn’t know better, I’d assume he was drunk on wedding champagne. “And I have since…oh, the very beginning.”
He exhales a long breath and bends his head to kiss me.
I pull back. “Mind you, I don’t know if I’ll want to marry you or anything. A night of wild sex every fifteen years or so is one thing — but a lifetime commitment? We’ll have to wait and see on that.”
Sam smiles down at me. “If you don’t want to talk about marriage or kids tonight, I’m fine with it, even though that’s where I’m headed.” He pauses. “That was the real problem during high school, you know. Bad timing. I knew you’d make a lousy girlfriend, but I — ”
“A lousy girlfriend!” I swat his chest with the back of my palm. “How dare you, Sam! Did you think I was that boring? That ugly? That inexperi — ”
He laughs. “Shhh, let me finish. I didn’t want you as some short-term fling, Ellie. I was certain you’d be the perfect wife for me someday, if you didn’t kill me first, but I figured I’d better wait it out until we were both ready. Until I was a better man for you.” He pauses again. “Sorry it took me so long.”
Well, I could hardly rage at him after that. So, instead, I say, “You thought about us, about marriage…that early?”
“Yes. Ask me why?”
“Because I’ve always loved you, and now I want to be with you once and for all. Please, can we just see how things go between us?” He waits for me to respond, which I do with a nod. “If it doesn’t work out, then I want a damn good reason why not. And, if it does, we’ll cross that bridge when you’re ready. You’ve never not been the one for me, Ellie Barnett, and I’ll do what it takes to prove that to you.”
Despite Sam’s special ability to use confusing double negatives, I understand the sincerity of his declaration.
I grin at him. He grins back. Then he kisses my lips softly and, even with so light a touch, I can feel the electricity between us sparking. We return to dancing — our slow, body-hugging sway — despite the fact that the music has changed and Wild Ted has put on some upbeat Modern English for the newlyweds.
Jane, I say to the wise lady inhabiting my mind, he HAS changed. Love changed him. It’s true and you know it. Sam IS my Mr. Darcy.
She gives a short, ironic snort, but the conviction with which she’d protested earlier diminished greatly after Sam’s last speech. And, hey, how could she not recognize love’s power to transform?
It seems even the brilliant Jane Austen might yet have a thing or two to learn about the strength of passion through the decades…
Very well, she says. You have stated your case effectively and, if you insist on trying this, I suppose I cannot stop you. Mr. Blaine may, with much good luck, turn out somewhat better than I dare hope.
This, I know, is the closest I’ll get to a concession tonight.
Thanks, Jane, I say. I realize, though, that I don’t need her approval, much as I wholly respect her advice. I’ve finally heard the voice of my heart, and it knows when something is right.
According to Jane Page 27