by Allison Rios
“This is worse than the constant words being hurled at me in middle school,” she thought out loud.
She ran her fingers through Rose’s hair over and over again, as she did when she was nervous. The familiarity of the movement became calming to her over the years. She felt the connection with her beautiful child, a perfect mixture of Addie and Robert with an innocence and sweetness all her own. She’d finally found unconditional love even though it hadn’t been the way she’d thought. She hadn’t even considered a child’s unconditional devotion back when love was her main priority. Her entire focus had been on finding Prince Charming but as always, she thought, her prayers were answered in a different and better way.
Rose shifted, arms and legs moving and readjusting, the same way she had done since she was a baby. The little girl could always take up ninety percent of the queen bed, even back at a foot and a half tall. Her leg draped over Addie’s and Addie looked closely at it.
That scar! What on earth had made that scar, she wondered?
It was huge – definitely well over six inches. She traced her trembling fingers over the raised, pink skin on Rose’s leg. She didn’t recall Rose ever experiencing anything that would make a scar that large. She would certainly remember that, right? She tried to convince herself of it though the belief was fleeting.
Her somnolent mind went into overdrive, searching through memory after memory, behind thoughts she had long tucked into the back of her psyche. It was all there, right up until the accident. Or whatever the hell had happened that no one was telling her the truth about. Did the scar come after?
She immediately dumped the thought, knowing full well that a scar that large would not have healed in three months’ time to the extent it had. It would still be purple and new looking and this appeared as though it were years old.
Rose stirred at her mother’s touch, the thin slits of her eyes opening wider to take in Addie’s face. A delicate smile ascended on Rose’s lips and she tucked her hand under her cheek like a pillow.
“Hi Mommy,” she whispered, her eyes lighting up even brighter than her smile.
“Hi baby,” Addie responded, dropping a kiss onto Rose’s forehead. She loved kissing the spot right between Rose’s eyebrows as it was so soft. “How are you feeling?”
“Tired.”
“I bet. It’s been a long couple days. Or months.”
“Can I watch cartoons?”
Addie laughed. Leave it to the innocence of the young to let go of the bad things – like last night – and move right onto what makes them happy. It was a lesson she wished she herself could put into action.
“Sure,” Addie smiled.
She adjusted Rose off of her body and let her re-settle on the couch. Despite the warmth in the air, Addie tucked a light blanket over the little girl and patted her legs, the image of the scar popping back into her mind after the momentary lapse in memory.
“Rose?” She couldn’t stop herself from asking the question. “Can I ask you something?”
“Okay.”
Addie slipped the blanket down a little to reveal Rose’s legs. “Do you remember how you got this?” Addie traced the scar again with her finger, top to bottom, and Rose sat up a little to look.
Her little face studied it before turning to Addie, her head crooked to the side.
“Do you remember?”
“I’m not sure, sweetie. That’s why I’m asking you.”
“But I’m asking you,” Rose replied.
Realizing she was only going to get more questions from the girl who obviously didn’t remember, Addie sighed and saved the conversation for another day. Rose’s stubbornness was a spitting image of Addie. Rose’s tiny eyebrows dipped in deep thought before she had yet another question for her mom.
“Mommy, do you remember what happened to make you lose your memory?”
“Gram says we fell, you and I. A perfect pair of klutzes,” Addie said lightly, tickling Rose on her sides.
The little girl squealed in delight, reveling in the closeness of her and her mother. Addie had always been determined to make sure they had a good, safe relationship after all she’d gone through with her own mom.
“We bumped our heads I guess and so here we are! A duo of forgetfulness!”
“Did you get a bump or a scar? Like the one on my leg?”
Addie reached for the back of her head. She hadn’t thought about it but Rose was right. If the accident had been only days ago, there would definitely be remnants like a bruise, a headache, a cut. Nothing – not one centimeter of her own skull felt sore or out of place. She tilted Rose’s head, scouring every inch of her little skull for evidence of a fall.
“This doesn’t make sense…” she whispered. What the hell had happened to them?
“Do you think you’ll ever remember? Do you want to know the stuff you think you’re forgetting?”
“Oh sweetie, let me worry about that stuff,” she said, wrapping Rose in a big bear hug. “Let’s watch some cartoons. What do you want to watch?”
“Cartoons!”
“Cartoons it is,” Addie laughed.
As she rose to pick up the remote off the television top, she caught sight out the window of the fields surrounding the house. Blackened, charred, and barely any life left in them. Their remains almost seemed to be a reminder of the wickedness that had plagued the town that year. It was going to be a buttered noodles type of year, she sighed. They’d made it through worse and they would be able to do this, she reassured herself.
Tucked in together on the couch, Rose’s head in Addie’s lap, Addie began to wonder what might have happened to them as she stroked her little one’s hair.
Maybe, she thought, she had finally gone crazy like her mother. Maybe the genes were taking hold and now they were going to start showing. It wouldn’t be long then before she needed to go and get away from her daughter to spare her from the pain. That scenario is viable, she thought, considering everyone is so tight lipped and a man she had given her most precious possession to no longer wanted to talk to her in the same manner they apparently used to.
She looked down at Rose. How long would it be, she wondered, until the hallucinations and anger set in and she was forced into some institution? Would the kids at school tease Rose relentlessly? Or would they do worse because now Rose descended from a long line of unstable family members? She shuddered at the thought.
Then a fleeting idea flashed through her mind – had her own mother been trying to spare her?
It was like a voice whispered the idea in her ear. She’d never considered that possibility before, until that very moment while staring at her own flesh and blood. The child she would do anything for and give anything to protect.
Maybe, just maybe, her mom had felt the same way about her and went away in an attempt to shield her.
14 RETURNING
The truck rattled down a vaguely familiar road, heading into a town long abandoned by the scruffy driver. The air smelled the same as the green archway welcomed him home. At least the trees wouldn’t rebuke him, he thought. The people, well, he figured they’d be an entirely different story. After all, when he’d left, he hadn’t been the most loved person in town. He’d been able to return for a while, but for some reason, it was this particular day that he felt driven to return.
Rocks kicked out from the tires until he lowered the speed, subconsciously attempting to sneak into town undetected. The invisibility would surely be short lived, as news of such an arrival would spread like wildfire through a town like Lee.
He wasn’t completely sure what he was returning for. Well, that wasn’t true. He was back for that dark haired beauty who’d stolen his heart years before. He hadn’t treated her well and he never had the courage to apologize. He was willing to put his ego on the line, throw himself on the ground, and beg for forgiveness if that’s what it took, he thought.
The sputtering of the engine drew little attention since most vehicles in town had more than their fai
r share of years and miles on them. People here had always used their belongings until they simply rotted away. There was no money wasted here; people worked hard for what they owned and took care of it until it just couldn’t be fixed any longer.
He took in the sights that had become just a memory to him over time and marveled at the sameness of it all. The same colors, cracks, dents, and antiqued looks donned the homes and businesses he’d grown up with. The familiarity hit home and his heart skipped a few beats hoping that her arms would feel as safe as the rest of this did.
That is, if he could get close enough to her arms. There was no way a girl like Addie Jenko stayed the same as her surroundings. Surely she stood out from the monotony of Lee.
He paused about fifty feet from her home, letting the engine idle as he took in the sight. The house had been her mother’s first but he knew she’d still be there. Despite her hatred for all the shit she had to deal with in her younger years, she was a homebody; she needed things recognizable to her in order to survive. It’s how she’d always been. She craved the history behind things, the safety of knowing her loved ones had built or held something before her. She once said it gave her strength, although he knew that her curvy body held all the strength a person might need. It had to, to survive first her mother and then what he’d done to her.
She came into his line of vision, her cutoff shorts and white tank top catching his eye. She’d been a simple dresser for a long time. She’d spent time trying to impress boys for a while back in the day, but something seemed to make her give that up. She just sort of started blending into the background and that’s when he knew he had his chance. After all, he remembered, he’d never been anything extraordinary either.
She picked up a heavy bag of something, tossing it in the back of the truck with ease. She was strong physically, much more so than when he’d left. Perhaps, he thought to himself, he’d have a reckoning coming when she saw him and it wouldn’t merely be of an emotional nature. It was then that he noticed what he’d missed upon his foyer into town – the blackness of the surrounding fields. It was so late in the season and his curiosity piqued as he wondered what had happened. He realized that the town was definitely going to suffer this season for their crop loss.
He watched her pause in her work, wiping her hand across a tanned forehead and resting against the truck. She was still curvy; still beautiful. She had never been petite and while she often had a discouraging word to say about her body and its round points, he’d never noticed. She was stunning to him; a radiant beauty both inside and out. One look from her eyes to his would stop his heart from beating momentarily. It had always been that way. No matter how angry they could get with one another, those soulful eyes of hers would stop him dead in his tracks.
He wondered if they still looked the same or if what he’d done to her had left a permanent scar cast upon them.
She stood up straight and arched her back, her body undulating with laughter – he could tell by the smile that had washed over her face. The same animated smile he’d been able to stir from her a thousand times in the past. It was the defining characteristic she wore when she was truly happy in a moment. Those times were so fleeting that he’d come to memorize the exact lines of her face in those sweet situations well. While he couldn’t make out detailed features from this distance, he was sure by the clean movements of her body that she was indeed happy.
Then he saw him; a giant of a man, well over six feet he was sure, judging by the man’s height in front of Addie. The guy’s arms were cut, the sweat creating an even sturdier appearance of the lines of muscles that extended from the broad shoulders down to the hands. Shirtless and wearing just a pair of cargo shorts slung a bit too low for his liking to have been an original member of the town, this giant man sent a chill down his spine.
It was easy to see that this man cared for Addie. As he watched, he noted that the two didn’t touch, never getting close enough. Their ravished body language told the story of two people dying to be in the other’s embrace, however. He should know – he’d been living it himself. Had she moved on? The last he’d heard, she’d been the same stubborn bull she’d always been, alone and raising her daughter to be the same strong hearted girl Addie was.
Their daughter, he reminded himself. Not that he held any claim to her after all this time.
Robert put the truck in gear to ride up on the scene and break the joyful moment between the two when he saw her.
Rose.
The beautiful, dark haired baby he’d walked away from so many years before. It had to be. She was a spitting image of her mother.
She bounced in the way all children do, the skip in her step representative of the immense joy she carried in her heart. She was all Addie except for the curls. Those were his. She was such a peanut. He’d somehow imagined she’d be larger than life, misjudging the size he thought she’d be. Maybe she wouldn’t fit the clothes he bought her, he worried. The panic rose in his throat as he wondered if she’d even like the toys he’d brought; maybe she was too big for them.
He paused, considering the possibility that their lives were just fine without him and perhaps he should just turn around and leave the way he came. They’d never understand his distance over the past years. And he wouldn’t blame them if they couldn’t forgive him for it. Maybe coming back would bring too much sorrow to them.
Before he could turn the battered truck around he threw it into drive. He had to know.
Lifting his foot off the brake pedal he eased the vehicle over to the trio, the truck rattling to a stop right in front of the house.
AJ felt a seething sentiment wash over him as he saw the vehicle approach, rotating on one foot to stand front-facing to the sound of the engine, his fists clenching at his sides. He didn’t like the feeling he suddenly had and his protective instincts kicked into gear. He shifted his gaze quickly back to Addie as if to judge her level of fear.
It was apparent immediately that Addie knew the truck’s occupant. Her hands fell, her arms immediately drooping weakly at her sides. Her muscular legs wobbled beneath her, sending a shiver up through her entire body. It was as if the world had shifted and created a crack in the continuum of time. Suddenly she was a teenager again, as new to the idea of boys as one can be.
AJ watched her face as it first donned sheer terror, then surprise, then happiness. The happiness was fleeting, quickly replaced with a look of hurt AJ knew all too well. She’d aimed those lips at him ten times in the past few months to portray the same emotion. As much as he hated seeing any glimpse of hurt traced on her face, he was even more uncomfortable with it now being directed at another person.
Robert stepped down from the truck’s cab, his black leather boots with the tan markings kicking up dust from the dry ground. His jeans were neat and a bit baggier than he normally wore, his shirt unbuttoned down more than halfway and the light dusting of hair across his chest clearly visible. Rolled up sleeves allowed more comfort in the southern summers, but it was merely show – Robert had always been used to the heat.
He smiled a nervous smile, working furiously to assess the situation. Was she happy? Angry? Sad? All of it?
Addie took a step forward and AJ moved to stop her, realizing he couldn’t do that. She wasn’t his to protect, at least not against this stranger. AJ tried to shake the bad feeling, unsure as to whether the chill that shot like lightening up his spine was from danger or anger – or even more likely, jealousy.
AJ eased back as Rose stopped next to him and wrapped her hands around his arm. The tension eased a bit and he smiled down at the little girl he’d grown to care about.
Addie took another step and another and another, her feet picking up momentum and churning into a furious pace towards the man. As she came within inches of him she stopped abruptly, leaving them nearly nose to nose.
She wanted to punch him, AJ could sense that much. Although he also sensed her urgent need to kiss him. It wasn’t until Rose’s voice registered on his
ears that he pulled the missing link from the thousands of thoughts swirling in his mind.
“Daddy?”
It was the high-pitched and hopeful voice of a child, the unmistakable sound of blind love.
“Daddy?” she said again, the doll falling from her trembling hands as she started in a run.
AJ’s heart hurt even though he knew it shouldn’t, but he simply couldn’t help it. Only days ago, he’d imagined what it would have been like to be a father to the girl, to wrap her mother in his arms and give them both a sense of security. He was willing to give it up to save their lives. But to see it fall to another man – even the biologically right man – stung.
“Daddy!” she screamed again.
The tears were now decipherable in her voice, the sadness and joy both overrunning her at the same time. She screamed again and again, rushing as fast as her tiny legs would carry her. Only she didn’t stop like her mother did; instead, she jumped into the man’s awaiting arms, putting him in a chokehold of sorts that she never wanted to let him out of. He wrapped his strapping arms around her in the same desperate manner and Addie’s hands rose to cover her mouth as the waterworks began flowing from her flabbergasted eyes.
The man rocked Rose back and forth, his own eyes flooding with tears for all that he had missed in her life.
“Robert?” Addie managed to get out, her hands moving in complete uncertainty as she struggled with where to put them.
She covered her mouth with the back of one to muffle the sob that wanted to escape. All the emotions wrapped up around her, strangling her like a python’s prey. She wanted to hit him, to scream at him for the past years since Rose’s birth. She wanted to tell him to leave and to push him away as he once did to her. She also wanted to hug him. She couldn’t help the urge. Her entire life, all she’d wanted was Robert and their daughter and despite the way he’d hurt her, he was home, standing there in front of her and hopefully looking for another chance. She reverted right back to the girl she’d been in high school searching for someone to love her.