“Why didn’t you ever tell me this?” Colin asked.
Ava sighed and leaned back into her pillow. “When you were young, it wasn’t appropriate. And when you were older, I tried to tell you,” she said. “Many, many times. Once when you were sixteen, you screamed back at me, ‘I don’t want to hear your excuses.’ But with much more colorful language. Do you remember?”
He did. It was the night he ran away down the beach and ended up at Joshua’s house. Colin felt sick to his stomach. He’d spent most of his life hating this man, or at least trying to. To find out now that Jasper was actually trying to somehow protect him . . . It was a hard pill to swallow.
“But what about the drinking? The women?” Colin asked, then regretted it. “I don’t mean to upset you. Just forget the question. I shouldn’t have asked you that.”
“No,” Ava said, “I’m not upset at all. I have longed for the day you would listen to me, ask questions, try to understand. There are many more things you need to know.”
“Are you sure you’re up to this?” he asked. “We don’t have to talk about it anymore.”
“I want to get it all out in the open,” she said. “Your father never understood, even though I have told him again and again that the truth would, indeed, set us free.”
“Okay,” Colin said. “But the second you feel sick or strange or anything else, you stop talking and I’ll get a nurse or a doctor. Deal?”
Ava smiled. “Deal. You’re a good son, Colin.”
Colin shook his head. “No, I’m not.”
“Yes you are,” she said. “Now just listen. Your father did begin to drink when you were a very young boy. I found that odd since he was always so opposed to alcohol, didn’t even like for me to have a glass of wine with a meal. I now know it’s because his father and grandfather were raging alcoholics. Do you drink?”
“No,” he said. “Not anymore. For the same reason.”
“A good choice,” Ava said. “Jasper’s drinking stepped up when he went to work full-time for your grandfather. I tried to talk to him about it, of course, but he always said it was the stress from the job, from working for his father . . . any excuse he could come up with. What could I do except make his home life as pleasant as I possibly could? Even that didn’t help too much. He constantly offered me a divorce, saying he understood if I wanted to take you and leave him, that he didn’t expect me to stay under these circumstances. But the truth was, I loved your father. I always have. He is a good and decent man who got dealt a terrible hand. He didn’t know how to love anybody because he never saw how it was done. And, by the way, he hasn’t had a drop of alcohol in five years.”
There was a piece of good news. “But the women,” Colin said. “What about the women?”
“That . . .” Colin saw the hurt on her face, “That is something I cannot defend. But what I can tell you is that those days are over and have been over for a while. I have forgiven him. You need to do the same.”
“But he hurt you, he disrespected you,” Colin said. “How can I pretend that didn’t happen?”
“It wasn’t your pain. It was mine,” Ava said. “I appreciate you trying to champion the cause, but it isn’t your battle to fight. What happened was between two married people. Between your father and me. Not between your father, me, and you. I know you see me as the victim, but there are things that go on between married people that other people never see, not even the children. I will not defend his actions, but I will not say I was without blame.”
“Mama,” Colin said, “he cheated on you. How can you assume any responsibility for that? You are defending him, whether you realize it or not.”
Ava stared at him for a moment before she answered. “Maybe I am defending him, and maybe it’s because he wasn’t the only person in this marriage who once made a bad decision. I’m sure you understand that sentence and all that it means.”
Colin stared at her blankly. He didn’t comprehend the words at first. Then the full weight of her statement hit him. His mother had just confessed an infidelity of her own. He looked away from her quickly, shocked by this new knowledge.
“I know this is a lot to take in, son,” Ava said. “But you needed to finally know the truth. Sometimes what you see or hear doesn’t tell the whole story. We’ve all made mistakes . . . terrible, life-altering choices that have driven wedges between us. Your father and I mended our fences years ago. You and your father need to find a way to mend yours.”
Colin couldn’t answer her. There were too many emotions inside him, and he couldn’t find his voice. He clenched his jaw and stared out the window into the darkness outside.
“I’m sorry if I disappointed you, Colin,” Ava said, putting her hand on top of his. “No one wants to hear . . . intimate secrets from their mother. But you needed to know everything, and I simply could not allow you to continue to blame your father for all the ills of this marriage. My . . . indiscretion . . . occurred before his. I hurt him very badly, and frankly, I am surprised he stayed with me afterward.”
Colin was terribly uncomfortable. Ava was right when she said your mother’s intimate secrets were difficult to hear. He could think of a dozen different places he’d rather be than sitting in this hospital hearing this confession tonight. Still, he was curious, no . . . he needed to know who this man was who made his proper and gentle mother stray from the confines of her marriage. Did he know the man? Did Jasper know the man?
“I know you must have questions,” Ava said quietly. “I will do my best to answer them.”
Colin looked at her for the first time since she shared her secret. Her face looked sheepish and guilty.
“I’m so sorry, son,” she said. “I can’t imagine what it must feel like to hear these things about your parents. I know you are mad and you have every right—”
Colin stopped her. “No,” he said. “I’m not mad at you. Of course not. This happened between you and Dad. I can’t judge you for your choices. I don’t know what went on between you and Dad, or what made you . . . do what you did. I just . . . it’s, well . . . hard for a son to see his mother as anything except . . . a mother.”
“An astute observation,” Ava said. “But I am also a woman who once felt very lonely and underappreciated . . .” Her voice trailed off for a moment. “I’m not trying to make excuses because there are none. I fell into an age-old trap of presuming the grass was greener on the other side.”
Colin felt an unexpected swell of compassion for his mother. She had screwed up. So had Jasper. So had he. In fact, the entire family could’ve rented a space on the psych ward of this very hospital and kept the doctors in business for years to come. It was a sobering thought to grasp just how dysfunctional your own family was. Even more sobering to know every single member of the family had contributed to the mix. No, it didn’t magically fix the rift that had run so deep and long between Colin and his father, but for the first time in years, he didn’t feel hopeless. Maybe there was some way to salvage this family. At least no one was keeping secrets anymore.
He bent over his mother and hugged her gently amid the IV and monitor cords. “I love you, Mama,” he said. “Rest. Just rest now.”
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Jacey woke up early from a fitful sleep, if she could even call it sleep. Her first thought was about Colin and the terrible text message. Sounded a little like a children’s book, she thought. A very bad children’s book.
The same empty feeling she had in the pit of her stomach last night had returned with a vengeance as soon as she opened her eyes. She glanced over to see if Georgia was still asleep before slipping out of the French doors to the balcony. She sat on the chaise and leaned forward, looking down at the house where she’d seen Colin. Part of her wanted to see if he was there, part of her dreaded knowing, and all of her hated the way this entire thing made her feel. Such animosity for a woman she’d never even met and a raging desire to slap Colin’s face or burst into tears at the thought of him were new and unwelcomed
feelings. Maybe there was something to be said for living a vanilla life, after all. It had managed to keep these kinds of emotions off the table. She continued to stare at the beach house below. There was no sign of life on the deck or anywhere else. She turned back and looked at the Gulf.
Something must have made Colin change his mind about her, and she’d lain awake most of the night trying to figure out what it could have been. She’d replayed every possible scenario over and over in her mind and come up with exactly nothing. It made no sense at all. Apparently he had just changed his mind. Was that routine amid the peaks and valleys of the world of romance? Was it normal for a man to almost tell you he was in love with you, then, “Oops, never mind”? And people said women were fickle. She realized she had very little experience with affairs of the heart, but even a girl without a lover’s scar could tell this wasn’t routine.
One thing was for sure: The euphoric feelings she’d had the past few days were gone, replaced by this awful, gnawing awareness that something wasn’t right in the world. If this was what it was like to have a broken heart, then this would be her first and her last. No wonder Georgie was against dating again. Nobody wanted to feel like this. This heartache, coupled with the recent news of Lillian and Demarcus, had Jacey feeling down.
Jacey’s friends were always amazed because she’d gone through high school and college unscathed by a bad breakup or unrequited love. The truth was, it surprised her too. She didn’t think it was because she didn’t want to fall in love. She just never met anybody who gave her the double whammy. She was either attracted to someone physically and not emotionally, or she was attracted to him emotionally but without a spark. Neither combination seemed to work. That wisdom was probably a bit beyond her years, but it had protected her when she watched her high school friends sob over breakups and check out of their lives for weeks, if not months, at a time. It was enough to make her wary of risking the same fate.
But when she saw Colin Jennings standing on the roof of a flooded house in tattered jeans and a white T-shirt, she was impressed. When she got to know him, the attraction, both physical and emotional, was so strong it frightened her. As she sat on the balcony trying to analyze herself, she thought it was probably why she had dated every man in the greater Baton Rouge area this past year. She’d been frantically searching for someone who made her feel the same way, but nobody had. Maybe nobody else ever would.
She forced herself to stop thinking about it. “No use in crying over spilled milk,” her Granny always said. “Mop it up and move on.” Now, if only she could put that plan into action.
Georgia slid the glass door open and joined her. “Good morning, my friend,” she said, making a terribly loud moaning sound as she stretched and yawned.
“Why are you so chipper?” Jacey asked. “Didn’t you get the memo? Your bestie has a broken heart.”
“Oh, I remember,” Georgia said. “But I’m not going to let it define her today. We’re going to the pool in our cutest bikinis, and we’re going to stretch out on our chairs and let people bring us things. All day.”
“Can’t I just sit here and nurse my wounds?” Jacey asked only half-jokingly.
“Do you want to end up the hot mess I was last year?” Georgia asked. “I didn’t bathe for a week, remember? By the end of that week I smelled like vinegar, for some reason.” Georgia shuddered at the memory. “There were food wrappers in my bed. I ate hummingbird cake and tuna sandwiches. I hate hummingbird cake. And tuna sandwiches. It took hours to get all the tangles out of my hair after I finally came out of my stupor. And the film on my teeth . . . It was like they were all wearing little sweaters. Do you really want to suffer the same fate?”
As sad as Jacey was, Georgia’s words made her smile. “You really did smell bad,” she said. “Maybe you’re right. We should go out to the pool. Besides, I just shaved my legs. It would be a shame to waste it.”
“There’s the spirit,” Georgia said. “Call room service and have them bring us bacon and eggs. I’ll grab a quick shower.”
“I think that is a superb idea,” Jacey said, then went inside to order breakfast.
An hour and a half later they were lounging poolside.
“Just look at that blue sky,” Georgia said. “What could possibly be wrong on a day like today?”
“Um, excuse me?” Jacey said. “Would you like me to give you a list?”
Georgia laughed. “Oops,” she said. “I didn’t mean to be insensitive.”
Jacey smiled. “Yes, you did,” she said. “But that’s okay. I wouldn’t have a clue how to act if you weren’t saying something completely inappropriate.”
“See?” Georgia said. “You understand me. Not everyone does.”
“That’s actually a little scary to think about,” Jacey said.
Georgia laughed. “Oh, but you love me.”
“I do. I don’t know why, but I do.”
“I still think we should go sniff around next door,” Georgia said. “At least let me go. I can be subtle.”
“Subtle? Like a bull in a china shop,” Jacey said. “And no, absolutely not. Anyway, I thought we were moving on from that subject.”
“So did I, but you keep checking your phone every thirty seconds,” Georgia said. “I assume you are waiting for Colin to retract.”
“I am not. I am checking to see if the sheriff has texted me or left a message.”
“Okay, fine. I stand corrected,” Georgia said. “Did you turn the ringer off? Is that why you need to actually look at the phone?”
Jacey made a face at her. “Shut up, Georgie.”
“Fine, I’ll just stay over here in my own little world and watch the seagulls while you reign as Queen of Denial. And I ain’t talking ’bout a river in Spain.”
“Egypt and other countries,” Jacey said. “But nowhere near Spain.”
“Whatever,” Georgia said. “I’m a nurse, not a geographer. Is geographer a word?”
Jacey snickered. “Yes.”
“I knew that.”
“Right,” Jacey said.
The easy and familiar comfort of banter with Georgia did seem to take the sting away from this morning. Jacey rested her head on the wicker lounge chair, and soon the warmth of the sun made her drowsy. That, and being tired from tossing and turning most of the night. Before long, she was sound asleep.
She dreamed of the boys, all four of them, and Lillian too. But it wasn’t a scary dream or one that made her sad. Lillian was talking to her on the roof of the house, but they were surrounded by flowers and grass instead of water. It was a beautiful spring day, the sky a bright and dazzling blue, and there wasn’t a cloud in sight. She and Lillian were both wearing sundresses and pretty hats, having sweet tea and cookies. The boys played baseball in the yard, squealing with laughter and youth. Lillian was telling her how much the boys loved Star Wars, how they loved to read and play sports, and she hoped Jacey would remember that. Jacey was writing it all down in a pink notebook.
“Wake up, Jacey, wake up.”
The voice sounded so far away . . . She asked Lillian if she had heard it.
“Wake up! Your phone is ringing.”
She opened her eyes and realized she was dreaming. Georgia was handing her the phone.
“Answer your phone,” Georgia urged.
Fully awake now, Jacey swiped the phone and answered. “Hello?”
“Jacey?”
“Yes?”
“It’s Roger Jefferson,” he said. “How’s it going today?”
“I’m fine,” she said. “Do you have any news? I’m sorry . . . just anxious to see them.”
“I do have news, and I’m glad you’re anxious to hear it. Looks like you can visit tomorrow evening at the park down on Hiller Drive. Four o’clock,” the sheriff said.
“Are you serious?” Jacey was so excited she was tapping her chest with her hand.
“I’m serious,” he said. “It may have been because I strongly suggested they let you visit.” He lau
ghed.
“Thank you, Sheriff,” Jacey said. “Thank you so much. I don’t know how I can ever repay you.”
“No need for all that,” the sheriff said. “You just follow your heart, you hear?”
“Yes, sir,” Jacey said. “I sure will. Thank you again.”
She hung up and turned to Georgia. “We can go to the park tomorrow at four to meet them.”
Georgia smiled. “That is good news,” she said. “See? The world is still okay, right?”
“It sure is,” Jacey said, grinning broadly.
“How long can we visit? Did he say?” Georgia asked.
“No, and I didn’t think to ask,” Jacey said. “I guess until the foster parents get ready to leave. Surely it will be more than a few minutes.”
“Should we take them something?” Georgia asked. “Toys or . . . ?”
“That’s a great idea,” Jacey said. “Let’s go shopping!”
Georgia began gathering her things. “You know you don’t have to tell me twice to go shopping.”
Jacey suddenly remembered the dream she was having when the phone rang. She stopped packing her things and smiled at Georgia.
“Books,” she said. “Let’s be sure and bring them some books too.”
Three hours later they were armed with books, puzzles, baseball gloves, Star Wars figurines, marbles, and a vast array of other things the clerk at the toy store said no boy should ever be without. Jacey had never felt such joy buying gifts.
“What was that?” Georgia said when they got to the car. “It normally takes you thirty minutes to pick out a T-shirt to buy, and even then you insist you’ve spent too much money on it. You blew through that store like a house on fire.”
“That was maybe the most fun I’ve ever had,” Jacey said breathlessly. “Do you think they will like it all? Are you sure I got enough? Do you think I got too much?”
The Sweet Smell of Magnolias and Memories Page 15