“Don’t I need some kind of credentials for that?” he asked.
“It’s all public record,” Julie said. “Anybody can look it up.”
“Okay,” he said. “Thanks, Julie. Love you.”
“Love you too,” she said. “I don’t know why, but I do.”
Colin chuckled and ended the call. Off to the parish courthouse.
Thirty minutes after he arrived, he had all the information he needed. He was very surprised to learn Jacey had bought a house right outside Baton Rouge in a town called Prairieville. It was actually a house and a few acres of land. Had she and Georgia bought it together? Why else would she need such a big place unless they were both living there? But that seemed unlikely to him. He had heard both of them talking about buying their own separate places after their friend got married. They thought it was time to get out on their own. But Jacey had gone in a surprising direction when she bought this house.
Colin put the address in his GPS and began driving toward Prairieville. He decided not to call her and tell her he was coming. Maybe catching her off guard was the best way to handle this. If he called her, she’d have too much time to prepare for him. He would be able to tell by the look on her face if coming to see her was a mistake or not.
He was nervous. He had to admit it. One way or the other, he was driving into his future. The rest of his life would depend on what she said to him today . . . but he had to find out, he had to know. He wanted her. Only her. That was the only sure thing.
He knew the first order of business was to apologize for his erratic behavior. Surely she would forgive him after he told her the whole story, which was what he should’ve done in the first place. Jacey was compassionate, so she would understand. And deep in his soul, he knew she loved him. He’d always known it, even though he’d let the doubt creep into his mind time and time again. That’s all it was: doubt. The closer he got to her house, the more his confidence grew.
He pulled into the driveway and killed the engine. This house was even bigger than he imagined. Her car was parked in the garage. He took a deep breath and got out. Then he walked up to the front door and knocked. In a few seconds, the door opened.
Jacey couldn’t believe her eyes. “Colin,” she said, just above a whisper. “What are you doing here?”
“I came to see you,” he said, smiling. “You were hard to find.”
“I just bought this place.” She stood in the doorway, her heart pounding, frantically trying to mask her emotions.
“Can I come in?” he asked.
She looked behind her at the toys strewn on the floor and the boys’ laundry waiting to be folded. She didn’t want him to see any of it. Not because the house wasn’t spotless, but because it was none of his business.
“I’ll come out,” she said and shut the door behind her.
“Oh, okay,” he said.
“Let’s sit on the porch,” she offered.
They sat down in the rockers, each waiting for the other to speak first. “How have you been?” he finally asked.
“Fine,” she said, “I’m fine. How are you?”
“Good,” he said.
Jacey couldn’t hold his gaze for too long, so she looked away. She wanted to throw herself into his arms and tell him that she loved him, even though she knew he loved someone else. Her feelings seemed so desperate and pathetic.
“Jacey, I need to apologize to you,” he said.
She stiffened in the chair. “No, you don’t.”
“I do,” he insisted. “I need to tell you everything. If you would’ve just returned my call. I wanted to . . .”
Suddenly she was furious. He needed. He wanted. What about what she needed and wanted? She wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of cleansing his guilt. What did he want from her? Was he going to tell her how sorry he was for loving another woman, even though he’d told her he was falling for her? Then what? Was she supposed to demand some sort of consequence so he could serve his time and feel better about himself?
No. Not just no, but no way. She couldn’t listen to it and didn’t want him to barge in. Not into her lovely new home, where there were only happy memories to be made. She didn’t want the shadow of this . . . toxic thing to be a part of the legacy of this house. Maybe it was childish, or maybe it was the most mature thing she’d done in her life. Whichever it was, she didn’t care. But he had to go. Now.
“You need to leave, Colin,” Jacey said quietly but firmly.
“But, Jacey, I came to tell you—”
“I don’t care why,” she interrupted. “Don’t you get that? It’s done. It’s over. It doesn’t matter anymore.”
“It wasn’t just because of the flood, Jacey.” Colin attempted to explain even though she didn’t want to hear it. “It was more than that, we shared—”
“Nothing!” Jacey almost shouted. “We shared nothing. It was a freak flood, and we just happened to be two of the people affected by it. We weren’t the only ones it touched, Colin. We knew each other for a brief period of time on a shoddy roof over a muddy sea. That’s it. Let’s not make it more than it was.”
“I’m sorry you feel that way, but I’d still like to explain,” he said. “Why won’t you just let me tell you?”
“Because none of it matters,” she said. “It’s done. I’m okay. In fact, I’m more than okay. I’m seeing somebody, and it’s getting kind of serious.” Why she said it, she didn’t know. Maybe to save face, maybe to buffer the rejection she still felt, maybe to hurt him if she still had the power to. For whatever reason, she said it.
Colin looked surprised. “I didn’t know,” he said.
“Well, now you do,” Jacey said. “And actually, I’m expecting him anytime now, so I’m glad you came by. I appreciate the sentiment, but really, we don’t have to do this.”
He stood up slowly. “It was good to see you, Jacey,” he said. “And congratulations. I hope it works out.”
“It will,” she said. “And good luck to you.” Please get out of here, she thought. Please, before I lose it, just get out of here.
He began walking toward his truck but turned back to her.
“I’m sorry if I hurt you. It wasn’t intentional. That’s what I came here to say. That and—”
She put up her hand to stop him. “Water under the bridge,” she said. “No apology necessary.”
He stood there another second without speaking, then asked, “Did you find the boys?”
Dear Lord, how many times was she going to lie today? “No, I was never able to. I had to give up. I’m sure they are doing okay.”
“I really wish you would’ve returned that call.” He opened his truck door just as it began to rain. “Good-bye, Jacey.”
She watched him back out of the driveway and whispered, “Good-bye, Colin.”
She went back into the house, locked the door, and sobbed.
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
There was a reason they called it heartache. He could’ve sworn there was a knife sticking six inches into his chest. It was actual, literal pain.
So she was seeing someone else. The thought of her with another man was infuriating. His jaw clenched. He rolled the window down and briefly stuck his head out into the rain. He didn’t know why . . . maybe trying to wash his sins away. The sin of omission, his Catholic friends called it. He was too late. He’d lost her because he wouldn’t open his mouth, and there was no one to blame but himself. For the first time in years, he was sorry he had quit drinking.
He called Joshua’s cell to tell him he was going to stay at his house. He knew Joshua was at a coaching conference this week, so he left a voice message. “I need to crash at your house for a day or two. Thanks, buddy.” He needed to be by himself for a few nights.
He steered the truck toward I-10 and punched it. Back to Biloxi.
Jacey cried until there was nothing left to cry, mad at herself the entire time. Her heart was betraying her head. Ever since Georgia told her about the scene in the ho
spital, Jacey had assured herself she didn’t need Colin, didn’t want him. And most of the time she believed it. But today, when she found him standing at her door . . .
Why had he come here? Why hadn’t he just left it alone? She was getting better every day . . . until he showed up. And why did he have to look so good? He was thinner and looked a little tired, but he was still as attractive as he’d ever been, maybe even more so now. Was it because she loved him? Still? It wouldn’t have mattered if he’d only had three teeth and no hair. She loved him, and that made all the difference in the world.
Why couldn’t she just stop loving him? She vaguely remembered asking Georgia that very question about Buck on one of Georgia’s particularly bad nights. “Why can’t you just stop loving him?” She now understood just how ridiculous that question was.
She dialed Georgia.
“Hello?”
“Did I wake you up?” Jacey sniffled.
“Yes, but what’s wrong?” Georgia asked.
“Colin was here,” Jacey said. “He just left.”
“I’ll be there in ten minutes.”
What did he feel like he needed to explain? He kept asking her to let him explain. Why would she want to listen to him talk about another woman? And what would he say anyway? You see, Jacey, there’s this other woman, and I know I told you I was falling for you, but I was actually in love with her. So anyway, I came to explain it all to you so we could still be friends and maybe we could paint rainbows later and watch the unicorn races. Or maybe we’ll go digging for a pot of gold and build a big ole house and we’ll all live in it together . . . Exactly what part of that needed an explanation? He had chosen someone else. Did he really need to drive to Louisiana after four months to tell her that? The time span and his deafening silence had spoken volumes. No further clarification needed.
She went to the porch to wait for Georgia and watch the rain. Maybe if she stood in it, it would wash away the pain. She stepped into the yard. Nope. No dice. Why did every terrible day in her life have to be accompanied by rain? She used to love rain. Now it just reminded her of pain and sorrow and struggle. Maybe they could all move to the desert where it never rained.
Georgia drove up and jumped out of her car.
“What are you doing?” she asked. “Get out of the rain. Are you crazy?” Georgia grabbed her arm and dragged her back into the house.
“Maybe,” Jacey said. “Maybe I am crazy. Or just pathetic because I still want a man who no longer wants me.”
“Jacey . . . It’s okay. You’re going to be okay. Let me go get you a towel.”
“He said he wanted to explain it all to me,” said Jacey loudly so that Georgia could hear her from the linen closet. “I don’t know what he wanted to explain or even how you are supposed to explain something like that. And he kept asking me why I didn’t return his call.”
Georgia slowly walked back into the den. “He said what?”
“He asked me why I didn’t return his call,” Jacey repeated. “Um, maybe because he never called? Could that be it?”
Georgia handed her the towel and sat down on the sofa.
“Anyway, why couldn’t he have texted me the explanation?” Jacey rubbed the towel over he hair. “He felt quite comfortable rejecting me in a text message, so telling me about lover-girl could’ve been done with similar ease.”
Georgia was silent. And guilty.
“I was getting so much better, Georgie,” Jacey said. “I was beginning to accept that it wasn’t meant to be. I mean, I have the boys. I have this new house. We’re doing great, you know? Then he had to show up. Here. I didn’t even think to ask him how he found me. Wait . . . you didn’t . . .”
Georgia put up her hand. “Not me. I haven’t seen him or talked to him. I promise. I’ve been at my new place for two weeks, you know that. I have no idea how he found you.”
“Thank you,” Jacey said. “If you had told him how to find me, that would’ve been a total betrayal.”
Georgia felt sick to her stomach. She had to tell her about the phone call. She had to.
“You know what really bothers me most of all?” Jacey asked. “I think he thought I was going to fall into his arms and forgive him for everything and ride off into the sunset. I think I really shocked him.”
“I need to tell you—” Georgia began.
“But I got him, and I got him good.”
“Why?” Georgia asked. “What did you say?”
“I’m not entirely sure where this came from,” Jacey said, “but I told him I was seeing someone else and that it was serious.”
“You did what? Why would you do that?”
“Frankly, Georgie, I’m surprised you aren’t roaring with laughter. It sounds exactly like something you would say.”
“You never lie to anybody,” Georgia said.
“Whose side are you on?” Jacey asked. “Because it feels a little bit like you are taking up for him. And I’m not sure I like it.”
“Of course I’m not taking up for him,” Georgia said. “It’s just . . . it’s just that maybe you should have let him talk.”
Jacey put her hands on her hips, then threw them in the air. She began pacing angrily around the kitchen. “Why would I have let him talk? To hear him lie to me again? Or tell me all about his girlfriend? She may be his wife now, for all I know. Maybe he came to tell me they got married, or maybe they’re having a baby, or maybe he thought I should—”
“Stop,” Georgia said. “Stop it and listen to me. He did call you.”
Jacey stopped in her tracks. “What?”
“He called you the night before we went to visit the boys at the park,” Georgia said. “You were in the shower at the hotel. He called you three times.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Jacey demanded.
“That’s not all,” Georgia said. “He left . . . a voicemail. And I listened to it. Jacey, I’m so sorry. I was trying to protect you . . .”
“What did he say?” Jacey asked quietly.
“I swear I was only trying to—”
“What did he say?”
“He said he loved you, he was sure of it, and he apologized for the text message he’d sent.” Georgia’s eyes filled with tears. “He asked you to call him back. I’m so sorry . . . I thought I was helping. I’m—”
“No,” Jacey said, tears springing to her eyes. “You don’t get to be sorry. You don’t get to apologize. Why would you keep that from me? It was calculating and just . . . wrong. I’m not a child, Georgie. I am a grown woman.”
“You don’t know what it’s like to hurt so much you want to—”
Jacey cut her off again. “I don’t know what it’s like to hurt? Are you kidding me? I was in a constant state of turmoil for a year. My whole life was pain, physical and mental. I had crippling panic attacks, and you thought I couldn’t handle emotional trauma? This is my life!”
“I’m so sorry. I was trying—”
“Trying to help, I know,” Jacey said. “You’re always just trying to help. Do me a favor and stop helping me, Georgia.”
“I didn’t want him to use you,” Georgia said, the tears falling down her cheeks. “You don’t know how it feels to be betrayed by someone who is supposed to love you.”
“I think I just found out,” Jacey shouted back at her.
Georgia began to cry in earnest.
Jacey knew she had just delivered a terrible blow. “I’m so mad at you. So mad. Please just leave me alone. Just stay in here and leave me alone for a few minutes.”
Jacey went back to the front porch and slammed the door behind her. She was furious with Georgia. Absolutely furious. Even in her anger she knew Georgia was only trying to protect her, but it was still deceptive and manipulative. She never would have done anything like that to Georgia. She always told her when Buck called or left messages or sent flowers. Even when she knew Georgia would throw the vase out the back door. Georgia should’ve told her . . . She should have gotten her out of the shower
and told her he called.
Jacey knew her friend was still smarting from a breakup that had happened nearly two years ago, but now it was spilling over onto everyone else. It was as though Georgia were still stuck right in the middle of it. Her intentions had been good, but her methods were maddening.
Jacey sat down in the rocker. Had Colin’s voice message really said he loved her and that he was sure of it? He’d said today that he could explain . . . But she had been terribly mean to him and then lied to him. She was ashamed of herself for that, and that she’d done it for no other reason except to hurt him the only way she knew how. She’d lied about having a boyfriend and lied about the boys. So who was manipulative and deceiving now? It was all a matter of perspective, and hers was nothing to brag about right now.
Jacey went back inside and saw Georgia standing at the kitchen window. She turned around when the door opened.
“Jacey . . . ,”
“Stop,” Jacey told her. “I’m still mad at you . . . but I know why you did it. I know it came from a place inside you that loves me and doesn’t want to see me hurt. You have loved me and cared for me as much as any blood member of my family would. So I apologize to you for what I said about betraying me. That was wrong and hateful and I’m sorry. Okay?”
Georgia nodded her head.
“But I want you to find some way to let go of what happened between you and Buck,” Jacey said. “The way you cling to the pain and misery like a shield from the rest of the world isn’t healthy. You should be better by now, but you aren’t. If you need to go to therapy, I’ll go with you. I’ll take you. I’ll hold your hand. But you have to find a way to fix it.”
Georgia began to cry again. “I loved him so much,” she said. “I loved him for nearly my whole life. Since I was twelve years old.”
Jacey went to her and put her arms around her. “I know,” she said, smoothing the back of Georgia’s hair. “You got a raw deal, honey, and you didn’t deserve it. But you have to let go. You just have to.”
Georgia pushed away from her. “I would never, never hurt you on purpose,” she said. “I promise you I thought I was doing the right thing.”
The Sweet Smell of Magnolias and Memories Page 21